Crazy train

I’m so behind.  I’m going to write about a bunch of crazy shit (at times literally) that’s happened around here because otherwise it’ll be lost forever, which would not be a great loss to humanity, but would be a loss to me.

1)  Freaking moose sighting! If you follow me on Facebook, you already know this, but I’m going to tell you again.  I finally saw a moose!  Eight freaking freezing cold years in this arctic backwoods and today I finally saw my first moose.  She happened to be galloping the wrong way in my lane directly toward my 55 mph traveling minivan, but hey, moose wants to drive the British way, moose gets to drive the British way.  I’m not going to argue.  She was HUGE.  I handled the situation incredibly appropriately (recall the deer incident on the way back from Phoenix) by screaming MOOSE!  OMG MOOSE! and terrifying Nate and Quinn in the back seat.  However, I kept my eyes open the entire time. Praise me.  Matt.  Then, I slammed on the breaks and pulled into the drainage ditch because, as I mentioned, if the moose that is considerably taller than my minivan wants to drive on the left, I yield. She detoured into the woods and, yes, that was the most exciting event of my week.  What?

2)  Matt’s schedule changed significantly when he took a new job a few weeks ago.  For three years, he had a “seven-on-seven-off” schedule. He worked an 80-hour week and then had an entire week off.  We really liked it and it gave him a lot of freedom for projects and spending time with the kids, but we could really feel the shift as Saige and Garrett started public school.  Activities started to occur in the evenings and on weekends around a normal work week and he’d been considering a change.  So he’s a regular 7:30 to 4:30 Monday through Friday guy now.  Which means he’s home just in time for dinner.  You knew we’d get to the part where I BITCH, right?  I hate cooking dinner.  When Matt worked his 80s, we ate cereal and fruit and yogurt and grilled cheese.  Now he’s all, I’m hungry, what’s for dinner? and I’m all mmffeegg (swallow) I’m having mini-cookies?  NO.  Well yes, for me, but not for the kids.  I’ve been trying and today I experimented and it sucked because I suck at cooking and therefore cooking without specific instructions and a road map is not a good idea.  The dog was SUPER excited about all the left overs and he kept stepping on me as I walked to the trash can. Matt called from the dinner table, poor Hampton, he’s the only one that likes mommy’s cooking and he doesn’t get any.

And then Matt died.

3)  Our insurance changed because of the new job and we can’t go to our fabulous, communist-style HMO pediatricians any more.  We’ve been with them for four years.  (RANTING. SHRIEKING. RENDING OF GARMENTS.)  Do you have any idea?  You probably do. You probably have an idea how hard it is to get all the records and the shot records and then track down the old shot records from before this insurance because otherwise they’ll want to give Saige and Garrett 8000 shots that they actually had in Haiti and Saipan respectively and then they’ll most likely get autism or cancer because that is what that stupid, celebrity woman tells me and GAH.  BORING.  Boring, okay?  I’m bored now.  I was bored after the first form and I had to fill out four.  And then.  Then.  I called the pediatric office that everyone loves and they were all, “uh, sha, riiiight.  You are number 219 (!!!!) on our waiting list.  Next caller, please.”  Holy. shit. balls.  I called Matt and cried.  “WAH. I want our communist insurance back.  We are the proletariat, Matt, we can’t even get on the short list to see these fancy ass doctors.  You have to know someone.  I’m pretty sure it’s Stalin.  Possibly Obama. Aren’t they the same person or something?”  I got another recommendation and called and they took all my information and said that the doctors would “review” our family and they’d call us back, but that four kids was hard to fit in.  Total breeder discrimination.  And what are they reviewing for?  Too sick? Not sick enough?  Vaccinations?  SHIT. WE HAD THOSE IN HAITI AND SAIPAN.  Stress.  I’m not cut out for this free market bullshit.

4)  Quinn jammed two Legos up his nostril and then cried for approximately 9000 excruciating hours about the extraction process and the resulting nosebleed.  Why are kids so damn dumb?  What, exactly, was he thinking after he jammed the first Lego into an orifice unsettling close to his brain?  That hurts.  How about another?  YEP, STILL HURTS.  I seriously considered letting Darwinian theory take its course, but he’s my disgrace to the gene pool, so I fished the bloody Legos out of his nose.  Yes, that is just as disgusting as it sounds.

5)  I got a speeding ticket on Monday, which sucks for so many reasons, the main one being that I was in a secret school zone (Three blocks over from the HIGH SCHOOL.  I fully support school zones, but Jesus, I had no idea there was one there.)  I thought I was being pulled over for talking on my cell phone, which is also illegal in Washington and a very, very bad example for my children.  Bad me.

Cop:  Did you know you were speeding?

Me:  (Trying to be helpful?  I think?  Or just stupid, let’s go with stupid.) No. I wasn’t, I was talking on my cell phone.

DOH.

Cop:  No, you were speeding.  It’s a school zone.  I didn’t see the cell phone.

Me:  I um am um going to stop talking now, officer.  Possibly forever.

6)  We were at a play date this afternoon (which was lovely) and the family has a snake (a very pretty corn snake) that my friend brought out and let the kids hold and love (which they ADORED) and then the snake worked himself up like a constipated toddler and laid the grossest crap I have ever seen on her rug, which makes me think of this:

Which makes me laugh.

I’m writing about the strange things afoot in the world of celebrities at Mamapop.  What strange things are afoot in your world?  Happy Memorial Day weekend.  xo.