“The thing to fear,” my mother told me once, because we have similar dark souls, comforted by futility, “is not the thing that worries you in the middle of the night. It’s not which college you choose or final exams or whether he’ll call. No. The thing to fear is the one you never see coming. The thing that blindsides you at 60 mph at 3:00 p.m. on a sunny afternoon.”
As a parent, though I worry plenty, I know this truth to a multiple of thousands. It’s not which Kindergarten I choose or how much TV they watch or whether they eat enough vegetables. It’s not BPA or swine flu. I’m weird, but I find this strangely comforting. The odd gift of life is that we don’t know, so we celebrate, we dance and sing and sleep and cry and eat and laugh and love right up until the moment of impact. It’s better that way.
“I’m afraid,” she whispers. I don’t know her well. We happen to have adjoining swings at the park on a rare sunny day. The cold hurts my hands and paints our exhales smokey white. She can barely push her toddler’s swing around her huge baby bulge. I huddle in my coat, scanning the playground to bark admonishments at my crew. The setting sun hits our backs, painfully bright, but without warmth.
My simple question about her baby’s imminent birth hits hard and sparks something deep. “What is it like with four? Do you ever feel like you can give them enough of you? I’m afraid that I won’t love this baby as much. I’m afraid that I’ll resent her and how she affects Emma’s life. How can I possibly love another baby this much?” Her hand pushes the swing holding her blond daughter, a caress.
I smile. “That’s so normal. It’s such a huge change. It’s hard at first because you’re exhausted and your focus is split and there’s guilt, but I promise you that in six months you will look back and you won’t be able to remember how you felt in this moment. You won’t be able to remember not loving them both beyond reason. I promise.”
I bite my tongue so that I won’t yell the truth at a mom so close to the beginning of the road and turn my face to the sun to hide my real answer written in my sharp, hot tears. No, no, no. That’s not the thing to fear. The true terror is not that you won’t love enough; it is that you will love them both exactly this much and more. The true terror is that you can love anything this much, let alone two little beings in your care. You jumped in. You ate the forbidden fruit. You love something mortal beyond reason. You will get down on your knees and cower under the stars, praying to the cosmos, “leave them alone, don’t notice them ever; they are mine” and in the next moment you will stand on the tallest mountain screaming at the heavens with burning incense in your hand, “favor them; look at them, look how beautiful they are.”
That’s the thing to fear. But life with nothing to fear is nothing at all.
I don’t have to tell her just like I don’t have to tell you. It blindsides us all one night at 3:00 a.m. We stand beside their beds, watching them sleep and suddenly it hits at 60 mph. Out of nowhere.
Or posts like this. Hit you out of nowhere at 60 mph and midnight. The forbidden fruit of love that expands to swallow me whole. Gorgeous.
Kim Van Brunt recently posted..To my brightly burning gift, at five and a half
Oh, exactly.
Marinka recently posted..I’m Right, You’re Wrong: Going To Extremes
Thank you, Marinka, for tweeting this and introducing me to AnyMommy. I see why you love her. This is a truly moving post. I,too, have known The Fear.
Oh wow. I have heard a variation of this message a few times in the last few days and each time it scares me. Because it is so true. Thank you for your honest and powerful words. Much love.
I needed this tonight. Thank you. 3:00am has had me worrying for those other, less truly impactful reasons lately and reading this brought me back to where I want to be.
When our oldest was a mere 4 or 5 weeks old I sobbed along with my crying son. My husband came over to the chair I was rocking in and wrapped his arm around my heaving shoulders and asked “what’s wrong?”
I cried “Why would anyone do this again?”
I cried out of frustration and exhaustion. And went on to do it again. Twice more to fruition. Gladly. With purpose.
As I tried to explain to someone once…having another child doesn’t mean you cut the pie shaped wedge in your heart into another piece. Miraculously, the heart grows bigger to hold another piece that it knew was missing.
You had one of those moments that you really can’t explain to someone. They have to live it. How do you explain the unexplainable? That not only is there some miracle that a child ever comes out of someone’s body, but while you were incubating another body, you were also incubating your new heart.
I love this notion. Beautifully put.
Mel recently posted.."Bad" Words
This is one of those multiple message posts that you are so good at. I’ll go back later and find the other (real) messages it had, but the first one that struck me was 3am. I worry all the time about every little thing. The one night I did not worry is when my son reassured me he was staying put at 10:30pm and at 1:20-something am I got the call that he had crashed a motorcycle without a helmet drunk and had a head injury. That whole medi-vac flight to a neurosurgeon I kept wondering why I didn’t know he was lying to me. I AM HIS MOTHER!! I should have known, picked him up and saved him and my family from this last 8 months of hell.
The middle of night hits you hard.
Gayle recently posted..Valentine Love
Gayle,
It’s not even close to what you went through, but I’ll never forget the morning when one of my young adult stepson’s friends called and said, “I hear DSS was in a car accident!?” “Oh no,” I said blythely. “No, no, he and lots of their mutual friends were all camping out at Other Friend’s after the midsummer night’s party [that everyone including we parents had been at] last night.”
Fortunately this group was was all OK (as were the others involved in the accident thank goodness), or close enough as made no difference, but in fact a group of the young men my stepson included had been taking a load of post-party trash to the dump when the truck they were driving got T-boned. And in their infinite wisdom (and, OK, panicked dismay) rather than using their cell phones to call, say, their parents, they started calling their friends.
It’s been more than a decade and I still haven’t forgotten the sight of the split-open trashbags’ contents (picture animal remains … drumsticks, say) scattered across the road where the boys and their friends and the car that had t-boned them (which was NOT at fault) were hanging out giving statements and … talking with their friends on their cellphones.
So, yeah. I get that Stacey’s post isn’t strictly literal, but I know, too, what you mean about failing to worry in the one moment when …
Oh, you ladies that are further along the road than I am are killing me. On one (brutal, dark) level, this is exactly what I meant. This phone call. This moment that you never could see coming. And for the record, though I know you both know this, you can never know everything that your teenage children are doing and you are both excellent mothers.
anymommy recently posted..Moment of impact
In the “things I regret to let you know” category, there’s also the moment when your encolleged (not a word, but it should be) stepdaughter tells you (as you are packing your bag Thursday night to head for the conference at which you are presenting a not-yet-prepared talk) that oh-by-the-way she needs to be in court in South Carolina (not our, or her, state of residence) next Tuesday because she was caught going 90 in 65. Hey, I’m the picture of efficiency: I found her a good traffic lawyer, she didn’t have to appear in person, and the charge was reduced enough that its implications were significantly less than they might have been.
On a lighter note, although I know you are anti-craft, you can save yourself some later stress if you go out now and buy some wire, string, and a bunch of styrofoam balls of different sizes and stash them in a safe but findable spot. It will greatly simplify matters when one of your eighth graders says at 9:30 on a Sunday, “Oh, I’m supposed to take a model of the solar system to science class tomorrow.”
Oh, God, so true. So very, very true.
Mel recently posted.."Bad" Words
This is truth.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..Nerdmonster
Yes.
Your writing absolutely blows me away.
I never thought of it exactly this way, but it’s so true. You can do everything absolutely perfectly and it doesn’t mean a damn thing. The rug can still be snatched out from under you at any moment.
It sort of takes the pressure off a little….
dysfunctional mom recently posted..A Moving Post
Oh, yes. My terror of this second baby growing so quickly towards us isn’t that I won’t have enough love for them both – I wouldn’t get off so easily. My fear is that the doubling of this almost unbearable love might actually kill me.
Oh, my.
That was breathtakingly good.
TwoBusy recently posted..Solstice
Love this post. Dead on. Oh the conlflicted pangs of being a mom. This post – kind of exquisite. One of your best, perhaps.
Coffeemom recently posted..Little Love Languages
I love when you put into words what I’m not capable of doing.
Issa recently posted..Just some words about love
How do you do it? You hit the nail on the head…yes, yes, yes – dead on!
Wow. Beautiful. And perfect. Tears here.
Barb recently posted..Call Me Nutty
wow – that hits hone
you amaze me – often
That slayed me.
When a friend’s child was sick (thankfully of something that was not as bad as it first appeared), our eyes spoke what our words could not of this kind of love. We cower and plead and adore. The heart swells, and it is awe inspiring and terrible at once.
Kate recently posted..A little fantasy.
So beautiful and so true. My mind goes to places I can’t even imagine sometimes. The loosening of a grip on a mittened hand on a busy street, an inattentive driver. If I could wrap them in bubble wrap and hold them close to me always I would.
But Why Mommy recently posted..A Moment
yeah… thanks… I needed to cry for apparently no reason… again.
At 60MPH.
May that 3am never come.
Joy recently posted..Real Women and Real writing.
Ahh.. yes,
Candice@NotesFromABroad recently posted..The Skies
xoxoxo beautiful!
Your words are magic.
Deb recently posted..Welcome to the Handbasket
Holy fricking crap. I am in the process of having wills drawn up from myself and my husband. My job is a bit dangerous at times, and there are wonderful lawyers who will do this for free for us. I cancelled my first appointment because I was too overcome by fear, a crushing all encompassing fear for these babies. Fear on both sides of this fence of life, how can my children be left parentless, how can I live if something happens to them. Crud. But your words convey this feeling so beautifully.
Sharon recently posted..In Alex Words
How do you write posts that are from the depths of my soul? It gave me chills! Thank you.
Kendra recently posted..Growing Up
“But life with nothing to fear is nothing at all.” Amen. :)
Colleen recently posted..“The soul is healed by being with children.”
All the time. But never as beautiful as this.
Amelia recently posted..“It was a dark and stormy night.”
Beautiful!! 38 years ago I asked my doctor the same question as your friend asked you. How can I possibly love another as much? It appears that you may understand how your mother and i feel. We have adult children (yes children) and our love knows no bounds.
Love you.
Years ago, before I had children, I heard two people speak about what the process was like for them. One was the poet Philip Lopate who said something like “one day when your kid jumps off your lap, you realize that they’re never coming back” and that “parents are in love with their children”. And the other was Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe! from Friends!) and she said that having a child was like having your heart walk outside your body.
I remember thinking “Wow, how melodramatic!” about both of them, but it stuck with me, because, omg, it’s so true. So true and so terrifying and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Marinka recently posted..Have a Nice Day
This is perfect. Exactly how it is.
Pgoodness recently posted..sometimes you just feel tired
Oh this, yes.
(Ouch.)
I’m glad that you didn’t tell her, she’ll understand.
(Beautifully written)
Galit Breen recently posted..Memories Captured February Linky!
This really resonates. I’m afraid of everything. And nothing – because acknowledging the fear freezes me in place. I’ve been thinking a lot about this…what a nice surprise to have someone else describe it so well – so clearly.
It’s so true.
In fact, this is crazy, but one of the things KEEPING me from having a fourth baby is because I feel I’ve already pushed my luck with three healthy beautiful kids…why would I add a fourth that will ultimately increase the fear factor by 1000%?
I had NOOOO idea kids would do this to me.
Oh and my favorite part, “You will get down on your knees and cower under the stars, praying to the cosmos, “leave them alone, don’t notice them ever; they are mine””
Spot on.
Kat recently posted..First Breathe
Amazing post. Every single bit of it. Thanks for this.
Natalie@FourJedis recently posted..Spring Fashion Wish-list
So beautiful. I remember having that fear, thinking I couldn’t love another child as much I loved my first, and then my second… but we do. We love them so much.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: When Sorry Isn’t Enough
Being 19 weeks pregnant and a mom of an almost 3 year old, this COMPLETELY hits home! I really needed this because I’ve been worried I’ll favor the new baby and not give enough to my son. Thank you for posting this!
That’s it exactly. That’s what I fear. That he’ll get taken away, how could I continue after having had this magical, beautiful, amazing child in my life? My prayer for him at night is, “Let him be okay. Let him be happy, and let him be okay.”
Thank you again for your eloquence.
Your words ring so true. Especially the 3.00am hit.
Mama, Hear Me Roar recently posted..Stay-home, homeschooling mother (a day in a life)
Goosebumps Stacey.
Wow.
Lyndsay recently posted..Oh hi!
I remember this feeling well.I felt so much so that I was betraying my first with the birth of my second that I didn’t even stay in the hospital the entire 24 hours after delivery. I couldn’t bare the confusion in her face. I wrote about this and how my heart grew and grows still every single day that I am privileged enough to love these little girls. You are so right, with great love comes great responsibility and the risk of great loss. I hate that part. BUt I love that I am so blessed to have these girls to love. Thank you for verbalizing what so many of us have felt.
yep, could not have said it better myself! Love for our kids is reckless and insane.
Andie recently posted..You know it is Valentine’s day when…
You can express yourself so good. I’ve had this feeling also. Hopefully I can express my emotions like this also someday.
Dennise Glueckert recently posted..Artikkeli
Beautiful. And totally true.
The Beaver Bunch recently posted..Floppy, Well Worn, Stretched
Wow.
Just wow.
And you just do NOT know until you experience it yourself. You’re so eloquent and well, right.
mwah!
Elaine recently posted..Date Night & Miss Elaine-ous Monday
You are so right. I never worried about this one, for some reason. There’s plenty of other stuff out there to focus on. I do remember LOVING Little Miss, but at the same time not thinking that her spit bubbles were so cute at 2 weeks old. Mister Man was 2 and had so much personality, I just wanted her to DO something ;) Sily me.
Michelle recently posted..You Are What You Eat
You are so right. I never worried about this one, for some reason. There’s plenty of other stuff out there to focus on. I do remember LOVING Little Miss, but at the same time not thinking that her spit bubbles were so cute at 2 weeks old. Mister Man was 2 and had so much personality, I just wanted her to DO something ;) Silly me.
Michelle recently posted..You Are What You Eat
You put so many shivers down my spine, so beautifully written. I have this theory that if I can imagine it, it won’t happen. It’s when you least expect it, it’s when you would never consider that you could be victim to any of life’s tragedies. So I imagine it. Morbid I know. But it gives me that momentary feeling that perhaps this little superstition prevented my greatest fears.
Marta recently posted..When Will It Be Enough?
Oh that mountain and the favours for while standing upon it. Thank you, thank you for putting words to thoughts.
Louise recently posted..carpal tunnel and tiny kitchens
Oh that mountain and the favours we ask for while standing upon it. Thank you, thank you for putting words to thoughts.
Louise recently posted..carpal tunnel and tiny kitchens
So perfectly true…
Alyssa Troyan recently posted..Today is THE DAY!!!!!
So very true…
Alyssa Troyan recently posted..Today is THE DAY!!!!!
Truth.
Nichole recently posted..A Beautiful View From my Window Would be…