“I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.” The truth and nothing but the truth aren’t so hard. It’s the whole truth that chokes us a bit as it tries to climb around our tongues. Fortunately, most of us are not under oath.
Writing about the last baby aspect of our story has been nearly impossible for me and that block has definitely affected my writing as a whole. I told myself it was because I haven’t wanted to let it define me, but that might not be the whole truth either. It might be more true to say that I haven’t wanted to give you a way to define me.
Owing the present in writing is hard. I’m better in retrospect. Distance is a gift.
December 2009.
I shift backward toward the center of the bed, tuck my body into his and pull the satin duvet up to my ear. It is late. Exhausted kids snore in the next room.
“Merry Christmas.”
“I think it’s over.”
I glance at the clock. “It is. Happy boxing day.”
“What is it?” He knows me well. I snuggle when I want to talk. It took about ten years for him to learn that it doesn’t mean that I want sex and so avoid an enormous fight.
“I think I want to wean Nate.”
“Already?”
He is only six months old.
“I’m guessing you’re not planning on birth control?”
“No?”
“Okay,” he whispers into my ear.
That’s how it began. It happens to us all, this submersion in happy arrogance. It is in the nature of our lives, our accident of birth in the educated 1% of the wealthiest country in the world – sadly or perhaps happily, depending on your perspective – to expect to get what we want. Maybe it is human nature to be optimistic and to expect the best to happen unless proven wrong, but I don’t think so. I have met children who expect the very worst, who sabotage everything that ever happens to them just to keep from hoping that the worst won’t strike this time.
We are unique in our security and trust. In that naive arrogance lies the fear of telling the truth. I won’t tell you what I want and then you won’t know that I failed and you can’t pity or judge or empathize or reach out. It’s easier to reject it all.
That’s not the whole story. Of course it’s not. The whole is impossible to tell. How can I relate this part of our life without leaving out the rest. The joy and contentment. The silly day to day that has filled the last two years.
February 2011.
“Everything’s clear. The scarring is separated. He says the surgery was a success.”
“But?”
I shrug.
“Stacey?”
“I lost a very important year.” I mimic the specialist, feeling sarcasm wrinkles form around my mouth. “The misdiagnosis. The run around at our old OB’s office. It all took time. He thinks that I shouldn’t wait if I – we – really want this. There are …” I air quote aggressively as if the doctor’s words have caused my difficulties. “Very good drugs.”
We contemplate this bizarre development in silence.
“Or there’s always therapy,” I add.
“Also an option.”
June 2011.
“Just do it,” I beg him, my eyes tightly shut to avoid seeing the needle that hovers above a pinch of the fat on my side.
“I have. It’s in.”
“Just do it, just do it, please, oh my god, I give up, I choose therapy.”
“It’s done. Look.”
I shudder with my eyes still closed so I won’t see the syringe in his hand. I can’t do this again. I’m not doing this again. Please let this work.
It doesn’t.
As it turns out, two years and a lot of tests and needles and fainting and a fair amount of heartbreak later, the damage from the procedure after Nate’s birth is too severe and we are done – like it or not – with pregnancy and childbirth. <airquote> Very good drugs </airquote>, notwithstanding.
December 2011.
“Why do you want another baby so badly?” He holds me tightly, back in our own bed after our Thanksgiving trip.
I don’t know. Because there is such happiness in this life, such fulfillment. Because I love them so much? Because I love Matt so much? Because I am good at it now? I’m practiced and they all came so quickly. I want to slow down. Because it’s fun? Because I am unable to overcome basic biological urges? I don’t know.
Truthfully, it fades a little more every month until the basic phrase changes finally in my head from I want to I wanted. I wanted this two years ago, but now I am older, higher risk, less immersed in the baby of it all. They are bigger. I am stronger. It is this odd thing – chemical pregnancy – they call it. This odd twist of fate’s knife. Despite all of my letting go I am too in tune with the rhythm of myself, too aware to miss a few days give or take.
I let the tears fall into his shirt this last time for lost possibilities.
From one perspective, life is all lost possibilities. How can we live without piling them up? The job not taken. The relationship broken. The move not made. The house not bought or sold. The call not made. The children not born. They spread out beneath us, brittle and bone-like, and start to push us higher and higher until we can stand on a grassy burial mound of our own making. The graveyard of roads not taken.
From the vantage I can see all that we have gained. The view is stunning, the landscape varied, the twinkling lights bright.
This cycle ended Christmas day 2011, two years to the day since our blindly optimistic decision.
It’s settling into the past. A part of my history instead of my now. If the worst thing life denies me is a fifth baby, I will be a lucky, lucky woman. I already am. I read the thoughts of other mothers greedily, trying to find what I lack. The certainty that I am Done and Doner. Full. That this is over and I can pat it on the butt and leave it behind. But that’s not me. I am wistful and slow to let go and reluctant to transition by nature and fate has played directly into my greatest weaknesses.
Well played, gods.
Knowing one’s own nature is a gift of another sort. So, I guess, my final thought is this: if this subplot is hidden in your bigger, happier story. If you struggled to let go and you think you are alone, if you think that everyone else just knows and wraps it up with a smile and a bow and no longing and no sadness.
You’re not. We are very much alike. And that’s the truth.
(Well, there now. That wasn’t so hard. Knock down all those cobwebs and move into 2012 with a clear mind. I thought I might close comments, but I love your wisdom. Lay it on me. Tell me about your struggle to let go or tell me that I’m crazy or that you know this feeling or that you don’t. But we can’t start the new year moping, so you are not to tell me you’re sorry. I’m not. xo.)
You leave me with a lot to think about tonight. Three miscarriages and two babies later I find myself “trying” again and oh how I hate that word. I’m not sure if I will be pleased when that positive sign comes or just scared. I’m afraid I’ll just be scared.
Sometimes it seems like my mound of lost possibilities, to steal your term, has pushed me just plain too high, out of our atmosphere and into someplace I can no longer breath.
It helps though, to not be alone. Thanks for that.
It’s hard when the fear outweighs the hope, but it will balance out again. I wish you a quick positive, an easy, healthy nine-months and a beautiful third baby. (I hate that word too.)
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I wish you all the best though this, its a scary time I know but when you get through it then you will know it was worth it!
Krissy recently posted..New Driver Insurance
I so badly want another baby that just typing that gets the tears flowing. I try not to let on to anyone because then they won’t how devastated I am that it hasn’t happened since my only child turned six months. 3 and 1/2 years and 1 miscarriage later and my heart breaks every time I get my period. Now it seems my body is conspiring against me so I may have to be okay with this thing that I am so not okay with. I am so grateful that I have one child to love, but I still feel like a part of our family is missing. Thanks for helping me feel less alone.
I know that heartbreak. I’m glad you feel less alone. I wish I could grant wishes via my fingertips.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I’m not sorry. Never never. I am doing my best to hope though.
I really needed this tonight.
I know we’re in different places, but I’ve loved following your story and your strength.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
This post…and the comments…I feel tremendous guilt. I could always get pregnant when I decided to. I’ve had five babies and decided to have my tubes tied. I felt I was too old to have anymore. I would have another five if I were younger. I wish I would have had another five. I always wanted to have a baby for a woman who couldn’t…
I feel horrible for the women who cannot have children as easily as I can….but I must remind myself that I, too, have pain…it just comes in a different form.
I am so sorry. Life changes are so much easier when we make the decision ourselves and it isn’t made for us.
It’s very true, being bossed around, even by fate, is the hardest thing of all. xo.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I’ve lived the yeas of heartbreak of not being able to have a child. I’m not sure what could ever make that feeling less painful or how to let it go completely. I honestly, truly do not.
I am so sorry.
Sending you hugs and love and strength right now.
It’s amazing how many women have at least a little of this pain in some part of their story. Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
You. So full of love and giving. So ready to wrap everyone into your arms. I am glad you have made peace with this. I am, however, sorry (I know I’m not supposed to say that), that these things don’t come in the neat packages we wish they would. Myself, I hear nothing but clocks ticking; I am bearing down on 40 and want one (maybe two?) more. But there are issues to resolve before even reaching that point. So, instead of lamenting periods that come, I pray for more and more, that time doesn’t take this thing from me. That I get to open the package, already wrinkled and half-torn, one more time.
Mel recently posted..Down The Rabbit Hole
I will hope for the same for you. It’s amazing how much time you think you have at 27, isn’t it?
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Whew…this post. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I can say “I’m done”. Funny because I totally am. Had two of my own, two for someone else. I had my tubes tied after the last pregnancy because such damage was done to my insides that getting pregnant again would be very dangerous. I could be 90 years old and still feel an ache in my heart when this subject comes up. All that being said, we are very happy with the (albeit small) size of our family and probably wouldn’t havehad more anyway. Just don’t like that someone else made that decision for me.
I think I am exactly the same, although I hope at 90 that a house in the tropics where my kids visit me will ease the ache somewhat. Maybe life will grant me that ;-)
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
We made the decision not to have any more kids while awaiting an emergency c-section for our fourth baby, who was premature. Then it seemed like the wisest, most rational thing to do. We’d discussed it a lot and agreed that having a surprise fourth baby clarified that we didn’t want to have any more.
But now? Three years later? I’m wishing I could have another. I find myself not reading certain blogs because the writers post pictures of their newborns, which makes me cry.
I know that not having a fifth is the “right” thing to do. But I’m still sad that my baby days are over.
hokgardner recently posted..Welcome 2012
Although I don’t want anyone and especially not you to feel sad, it is comforting to know that I am not actually insane and that other women feel this way.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Great post, as always…I’ve never been a able to have a child biologically, but I’m so conflcted about whether or not to adopt a second child…
Hugs!
Anne
http://www.allaboutelizabeth-anne.blogspot.com
I hope you find the right answer for you. These are hard decisions no matter what.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
S: I didn’t know you were going through this. I guess I didn’t read between the lines. I’m so sorry you have had to manage this sadness. I don’t have anything articulate I can write here to make it any better. I do suspect that time will help. In my experience, it generally does. What I can say is that, as your children become older and your life settles into the rhythm of a family of 6, you will have so much joy (not to overwhelm sadness, but to stand beside it as the other side of the coin). xo
K-Line recently posted..In the Navy
And probably I’ll realize that sometimes not getting your wish is a gift. Or at least, our college savings account will realize that.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
As always… you write with truth, and power, and elegance.. Your words leave me speechless.
“From one perspective, life is all lost possibilities. How can we live without piling them up?” <— this paragraph in particular hit me. So so true…
Even if you can see the joy and the opportunities and in the path handed to you… the wanting is so very natural and powerful. Kudos to you for seeing all your joy, but please please give yourself the space to experience the changing gears. Two years of hopes in one direction, that is a lot of momentum to deal with. It doesn't have to hold you back, it can catapult you forward or be released off your back or a lot of different things. But it is a lot of momentum and weight… at least that is my view from here:) Happy happy new year. Thanks for sharing your amazing life with us, the light, the heavy, and everything in between!
Claire recently posted..Kick Off 2012 with Project 365
Very, very wise words. I’ve read your comment several times. Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
i’m with you. i don’t know if we’ll have another, but i can’t shake that unfinished feeling. sending you love and peace in your heart. xo
MommyNamedApril recently posted..My New Years Resolution is to Not Look Four Months Pregnant By This Time Next Year. Well, Unless I Actually Am. In Which Case, Yay For Me!
Sigh. Right back to you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
love you my dear. 4 kids and a great dane, 5 kids and a poodle, love love love you.
Completely and utterly mutual.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I really paused to comment because I know that right now, I wouldn’t feel this way. BUT I do know how painful unfulfilled expectations can be, and your post speaks to that part of me that feels my own disappointments…
Sometimes, I find my unfulfilled expectations more painful when I hold them too close and too tight. Here’s to hoping that you are the same, and the loss you feel fades more quickly now that you’ve started to let go.
Ann Wyse recently posted..Sliding into the New Year
There’s few things as hard as knowing when to let go and move on. I doubt I’ll get it right, but at least we keep learning.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
It is funny in a heartbreaking way how no matter how old a woman is, if she wants to have a baby, then she really wants to have a baby.
Reason, age and all those irritating sensible answers mean nothing … you just want a soft, warm, boneless little bundle to inhale and stare at for hours until they wave goodbye to you on the way to camp/college/honeymoon.
I lost 2 babies.
I was sad but not overwhelmed, they were both surprises.. but now, I wish they had lived, I wish the noise, clutter, mayhem had continued a bit longer.
I am sitting here weeping as I type, for the lost babies, for the lost baby substitutes, for the lost dreams we all have ..
One of the good reasons why we lose our memories when we get really old :)
Who wants to remember all that ?!
love you.
Candice@NotesFromABroad recently posted..2011 In Pictures
There really isn’t any life without loss is there? Trite but true. Thank you. Having you here reading and sharing with me is priceless.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
While our two reasons for grief are different, I suspect they work in a similar fashion. I lost both of my parents to cancer when I was in high school, which was ten years ago now. Time & distance really are friends, but I think its interesting how sometimes grief never really goes away like we hope but instead develops with you. In American culture especially we’re expected to have about two weeks of grief and then after the initial shock to dust ourselves off and be “normal” again. But really the shock doesn’t wear off until months later and you’re left feeling dazed & confused about why you’re not “over it” yet. I don’t think we talk about it enough, so the honesty in posts like this really thrill me. I think if we talked about it more with each other we’d all feel a lot less alone in it.
I’m a single silly twenty-something with no kids so our situations are very different but I absolutely love your blog. I gain so much from your wisdom, and again, your honesty. Thank you for posting.
Sherri: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents when you were so young. I mean, the loss of a parent is always inexpressibly sad, but to lose both during adolescence is just cruel. I hope that you have many other family members and friends to support and love you.
K-Line recently posted..Slip Half Full
Sherri, as K-line already said so gracefully, that is heartbreaking and cruel. I’m so sorry. You are kind to be open to my talk of grief and loss when our reasons are so very different. I agree with you 100%. Our culture wants grief and pain brushed away, we have no process and few rituals for acknowledging when people hurt and for how long the pain can go on. We don’t want to let people talk or have their grief recognized. I think it can take years, which doesn’t mean that you can’t live, but just that it’s still there, a part of you.
I very seriously doubt that you are silly, but I do hope that you are happy and that you are enjoying your twenties and that you have people in your life to support you when your feel your parents’ loss sharply.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
You said not to say I’m sorry, so I won’t, but I understand. I almost died giving birth to our third baby. A placenta accreta. After four hours of emergency surgery, I survived, but with a complete hysterectomy. Never again will I be able to have a baby. And at 32 that is a daunting thought. I have three beautiful children, and we are a full family, yet I still feel the loss of that decision being gone. I’m not sorry for myself either. I am oh so very grateful to be here to raise my kids and love my husband. But still…I understand that feeling, thu pull. And that’s okay. Happy 2012
That’s exactly it and it is okay. Happy new year to you too.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I’m in the same boat sweetie. I never thought I’d be the mother to an only child. But I am. And most of the time, that’s okay. But there is a void that won’t ever be filled and an ache that will only be dulled with time’s passage.
You’re not alone either.
Lyndsay recently posted..The Advent(ure) Concludes
And that is why I love this “little” world we have in cyberspace. Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Ah, I love your writing, and the little glimpses you give into your innermost self. They do indeed make me feel less alone, even when I am too shy or too reserved or too crappy of a writer to express myself so eloquently.
I had my babies at 33 and 35. My second pregnancy was hard, physically; and both births could have ended very differently if it weren’t for modern medicine. Every doctor visit began with “well, at your age, the risks…” After being blessed with two healthy babies, I didn’t want to push my luck. If I had started younger, we would have had 3 or 4 kids, but alas, I wasted my twenties avoiding the subject out of fear I’d turn out to be my mother. While I don’t actively ache to have any more babies, and while I supported my hubby’s desire to get a vasectomy….I still wonder if our family is complete. There is a part of me that is waiting for that third baby to show up, needing a family. Even as I enjoy my freedom from diaper bags and strollers, I have no certainty that we are done. I don’t know that I ever will.
Deb recently posted..Less Melancholy
So many women have these stories and we never talk about it, we all pretend that these baby bearing years go exactly as we want them to go. I don’t know if I would have ever felt certain either.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Your writing is so beautiful, touching and poignant. Although I have not been in this particular situation, I have had my heartaches, my disappointments.
“The graveyard of roads not taken.” I’ve never visualized it like this before, but this was such a powerful image. One that will stay with me.
Happy New Year Stacey. May 2012 be good to you and your family.
Pseudo recently posted..Yea 2012!
I think we all have them. I’d guess there’s some life quote about how the road to happiness is paved with disappointments or something, but they still SUCK. That wasn’t beautiful or eloquent. Happy new year to you as well.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I’m 48, with 6 children and 2 miscarriages. The last miscarriage (at age 44) pretty much threw me into perimenopause. It’s over. I cannot tell you how incredibly difficult it has been for me to live without a 2-year-old or a baby. To live without someone in the crook of my arm or on my hip…to go through each day without being able to share in the natural wonder of a toddler… I am, quite simply, bereft.
Crazy, I know. Ungrateful, even. Lord knows, I’ve been abundantly blessed with children. Lord knows that the physical demands of a baby would pretty much kill me at this point in my life. But learning to live without centering my life around a needy, innocent young one (after 15 years!) has been disorienting, to say the least. I’m still trying to figure it all out. For the time being, I still feel as if I have been exiled from paradise.
I told you – crazy.
suburbancorrespondent recently posted..Love And Marriage
I love your crazy. I mean, not that you experienced loss, but that even with six children it is hard to move on. It makes me feel very supported in my own crazy. Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Your writing always takes my breath away. Thinking of you, my friend. XOXO
The fact that you find any time to read takes my breath away, truly. Thank you so much. Love, hugs and kisses and happy new year. I can’t wait to buy your baby when it comes out!
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Oh your story strikes my very core. It’s not dissimilar from mine 20 years ago without the medical intervention. I have twins 27 and a 22 year old, and I am blessed. When my baby was 2 I lost our last child. I was riddled with guilt over having a singleton after having twins. My youngest would never experience that bond that the twins had, she would always be the odd one out. We were in a time of transition … my husband had been home for 2 weeks over Christmas (when we conceived) and he was back at the other side of the country working when we lost our last child 8 weeks later. It was heartbreaking, and in fact 20 years later, still haunts me if I allow the wound to open. I recently sought out a spiritualist (for other reasons) who told me, among other things, to name my youngest child. And, so I have … Sarah. I am a woman of faith, I do believe that God has a plan for us and while I don’t know what that is, I trust in his wisdom for me. Peace be with you.
Thank you for sharing this and I am so sorry for your loss. Sarah is one of my favorite names.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I have 3 sons. They are wonderful and the light of my life. My youngest, now 2, has severe developmental delays from epilepsy. When he began having seizures at 7 months, that pretty much sealed my fate as a mom to 3 boys. He will most likely live with us forever and requires too much care for it to be “fair” to him, the older 2, or a newborn to further spread myself around. Plus I’m not sure I can physically do the things I need with him being 9 months pregnant. I haven’t made any permanent decisions, but I feel like the choice has been made for me. Sometimes I wish to get accidentally pregnant, so I would have to deal with it and the decision would be made. I just can’t feel “done” and happy to move on. It seems nice to know I don’t have to deal with pregnancy and baby stuff, but I did love most if it. And I don’t think I’ll ever get over not having a daughter. Not to take away from my sons, but I had such a good relationship with my deceased grandmother and my mom thta I miss having that opportunity. I am blessed with other opportunities, but I will always mourn that one. it’s nice to hear that other people struggle with being done, if only to let me know I’m not alone, and my feelings, however non-rational, may be normal. I love your blog by the way, read your novel all the way through, and love your writing.
All of the stories shared in these comments have done the same for me. Thank you so much and I understand your grief for lost possibilities.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I do know this. And I wasn’t feeling very excited about this new year until I got in it.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..I take the back roads
I sense every time I visit your blog that we are kindred spirits. Happy new year.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Without a doubt,I will never be past the baby longing. In fact, on Christmas Eve and morning, I took pregnancy test. I cried when I thought I WAS pregnant (because OH SHIT) and then I cried when I found out I wasn’t pregnant (because… oh. I already had the rooms rearranged and planned the birth date and everything…)
Saying goodbye to babies is also saying goodbye to a stage in our lives. I loved that stage. I really didn’t want it to be over so quickly…
I feel your pain, Stacey. I understand. It’s not easy to move on, no matter how much “easier” it is without the baby paraphernalia.
Not to mention the closet space. Thank you for understanding and oh how I know that planning and rearranging.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I am not going to tell you to be happy for what you have, because that’s utter bullshit. That’s like telling someone who’s lost a loved one “They are in a better place” I want to shove my fist down their throats, because well, I am a scrapper like that.
What I want to do is reach through this post and comment, hand you a glass of wine and hug you. I want to tell you that I am so sorry you have had to experience this kind of pain.
The reality is regardless Stacey whether you have zero children, one child like myself, or four, or six the pain is all the same when the choice to have a child is taken from you.
In my case I began attempting to have children at the tender age of 21. I continued to miscarry 9 differnt times over the next 16 years and was finally told in 1999 that I would never bear a child with my genetics because my eggs were bad. So swallowed that pill and moved on to donor egg where I had my amazing son. Unfortunately my pregnancy was hard and the delivery harder and they told me after my son was born no more babies for you.
I didn’t swallow that pill very well, I cried, stomped, grieved, and was pretty angry for a really long time. I refused to accept or understand why my body was being picked on when crack whores from all over the world were getting pregnant every time they spread their legs. And these are women who don’t want children. It made no sense to me. None whatsoever.
So in closing what I want to say to you, is I get you. I understand the place from where you are coming. It doesn’t matter how many children we have, until we are done, and we say we are done we are not done. No one but us should make a decision like that for our bodies.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I really am.
Part of me wants to do my life over and have six children in my twenties and then carry children for women who can’t until I can’t any more and part of me knows that I am very, very happy with what I have. I know that it’s a lot. I get you too and I wish I could take all of those miscarriages away, they are hell.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
No saying sorry. Just passing along love and support. From one who understands the path you have so boldly taken. And for that which may never be.
Your new chapter is being re-written now … and I for one look forward to reading it.
xx
I am so grateful to have you as a friend.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I just wanted you to know that I read your words, your truth.
xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Softly Focused
Thank you, Galit, I am beyond grateful to know you and have you read my words.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Part of me is glad I’m done having babies and part of me will always be sad I didn’t have one more. The kids we have are so amazing how could I not be curious about who else we could make?
I hope you hurt less over time. Thank you for writing this post so honestly and well.
That is so true, being curious about who else we could make. Thank you for reading.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I won’t say I’m sorry. But I would gladly grow one for you.
Wouldn’t that be fun? xo.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I’m glad you didn’t close comments just so I could let you know that I was there with you, absorbing every word, understanding you completely.
No wisdom to add, of course (sigh).
I wish you didn’t understand quite so well, I wish I had the power to change things.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Here’s my strange truth. After my first baby, I just knew that I wanted to have baby after baby after baby. Give me a million of ‘em–I was made for this. For our second, we adopted. And it has been SO.DAMN.HARD. Excruciating. Two years in, life is only beginning to settle down. And I know that I simply cannot handle any more children. The thought of more (bio or adopted) makes me nauseous. But I grieve the lost dream of wanting more. The happy, confident, capable me who was gonna have a ton of babies. That’s what I grieve.
Happy new year, Stacey!
That is a lot to grieve. I think you know that I have been in that place as well. I wonder if you won’t get your baby groove back, but whatever happens, I’m here to listen.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I won’t say I’m sorry.
But I would grow you a little one if you want.
I won’t say I’m sorry.
But I will grow you a little one if you want.
Am bawling for you as I read this. Possibly because I know it all so well. You know my truth and I’m glad you finally shared yours. A zillion hugs to you my friend.
Truth is so hard, isn’t it? Love to you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
My husband had an appointment this fall, to seal the deal, to end the conversation. I fell apart in my most true to self way the night before. The appointment was cancelled. I felt better knowing the end wasn’t here with such finality. The last year was so hard, I didn’t want the past to dictate my future. One terrible year to end the possibility for more babes, more kicking feet in my womb.
But now, I think, maybe it would have been okay to just have had him go the appointment. Knowing myself I know I will most likely always fall apart the night before because letting ‘go’ is so hard and saying you are ‘done’ is so hard because it is life. Life is complicated and being a mother is complicated and I just want to have the feeling of a complete family but I don’t think everyone gets that feeling.
So, I really liked this post. Thank you for sharing.
I don’t think that would be easy for me either, if things had ended differently. Life is complicated and knowing your heart is impossible sometimes.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I have 5 kids. I see pregnant woman and find myself so jealous of them. I was always told that I would “know” when I was done. Honestly, I don’t think the feeling will ever go away. I am 45 years old now and know that time has decided for me. It makes me so sad. Believe me when I say, I feel your pain!
This will sound weird, but I find this comforting. That maybe it’s just normal to grieve the end.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
When I was 31 years old, after a year of “trying” I went to the doctor and was told I had a 5% chance of getting pregnant. Too few eggs, despite my relatively young age. One year later I got incredibly lucky and got pregnant with my son. He’s 5 now. And I’m 39 years old. To my eternal sorrow, I will likely never be able to give him a sibling.
I hope someday I can get over it.
Still, I know how lucky I am. What if I had waited another couple of years to “try”? Every single day I am thankful, even when I am sad.
I think the two things are separate and I hate it when people combine them. Of course, we are grateful for what we have and we know how lucky we are and how differently the story could have gone … but the sadness is separate from that entirely. I’m so glad you have your son, but I completely understand your sorrow.
The most truth I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for sharing!
Sadie
It’s hard to do, thank you for reading.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I still want another baby. I have two children 13 and 9. I don’t believe the longing will ever go away. My husband decided years ago that he did not want more. He had a vasectomy and told me I would get over it. I never have. I know I never will. Where does that leave any of us?
Grieving. It’s been very enlightening for me to realize that so many women experience this grief for a million different reasons. I wish we talked about it more.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I won’t say that I know how you feel but I hear your pain, loss and acceptance. So I’m sending hugs and best wishes. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I have no wisdom, but (((hugs))). I’m sorry for the loss of your dream.
Hugs back. I’m sorry too, but I have other dreams.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
My story started this way, with the arrogance of thinking I could have what I wanted when I wanted it, and the crushing reality that so many others could and I couldn’t. And so when it happened, and then again, I fell back into the arrogance of thinking a third time would be easy. And physically it may have been. But I’m having to face yet another crushing reality that my marriage may not be able to cope with the third and fourth babies my heart was set on. This has led to more heartbreak than my miscarriage did, and more anger and more denial and more bargaining. But I haven’t yet reached acceptance. So I won’t say I’m sorry. Instead I’m in awe of you, because you are getting to the place where I hope to reach someday.
Jessica@Team Rasler recently posted..One little resolution
Again, I am surprised and awed by how many women experience this kind of pain. I had this idea that I was weird in some way. I think you’ll get there; but I hope you won’t give up before you talk it all out.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Oh, I hear you. I was stupid, see? If I’d paid more attention, maybe I’d have been pregnant at 35 instead of waiting until – duh! – I’m about to be 41 and maybe there’s a problem? So, first baby born shortly before I turned 43, and yes, she’s it. Oh, she’s wonderful, and it’s cheaper having only one, and and and I can rationalize ’til the cows come home, but lord, I would have liked to have had two.
magpie recently posted..2011: A Year In Books
Yes, I hear this in my soul. Not stupid, we’re just naively optimistic.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Sending love and support.
Nancy [Spinning My Plates] recently posted..The wheels are off.
I’m done too, after three miscarriages one after the other until I couldn’t bear to lose another poor little soul. It took a long time to let go, and the tears came straight up as I read your words today. No, you’re really not alone. Love {}
Miscarriage is heartbreaking and hidden and I’m so sorry that you have been through it. Thank you for telling me that I’m not alone.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
Hang in there, girl. I’ll be there for the long (and short) haul.
XO
I have a constant pain with letting it be done. It has been 5years since my last baby, and new years eve was 1 year since my miscarriage. I still feel like I can’t let it go completely, I don’t really know how. 40 years old makes it so much more complicated. On a side note, I feel somewhat guilty. I don’t know if you remember but I shared with you about my miscarriage last year, in the midst of all your struggles, it seems very self absorbed and I am so sorry if it caused you any further pains of the heart. I truly appreciated the support you so willingly gave.
None at all. I hate to see you deal with this pain and grieving, but I know how talking about loss eases the pain a little and I want to support you the way I’ve been supported.
Anymommy recently posted..Truth
I had two miscarriages first, then two beautiful children 18 months apart. And then my husband Knew He Was Done. I wanted more, longed for an “accident”, but no matter how much I wanted another, I think when it comes to being a parent, Not Wanting has to trump Wanting, you know? A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. So, after a long road, I got to acceptance. I grew to appreciate my family of four, the things we had by virtue of not having another baby.
Then, late last summer I discovered that sometimes accidents really *do* happen, and I, finally truly content and happy with only two, was, irony of ironies, growing a third. It’s been a roller coaster of a road, and I still wake up nights worrying whether we can cobble things together as Five.
I guess life is nothing if not unpredictable, and seems to take particular pleasure in denying us what we think we want. I try to believe that’s for the best, but sometimes in the thick of it, it’s hard to see how it could be.
This seems disjointed and not at all a useful or appropriate comment, except to say that I understand the wanting when you can’t have. But it seemed somehow incomplete to not also tell about how equally unsettling and terrifying the getting what you didn’t want can be as well.
I always love your words. You tell your truth in a powerful way. Thank you.
I can feel this happening, how in a year from now we will be so far past all of the babyness and our lives will be so different that a pregnancy might be something to adjust to rather than something longed for. Congratulations, I have a feeling five will be wonderful.
Anymommy recently posted..Wanted: Cat, Turtle, Bunny, Puppy, Crabs
Your writing is, as always, well beyond lovely.
TwoBusy recently posted..Can’t Get There From Here
I love this post. I’ve always wondered when we got to that point if I would just know or if it would be a decision I was “forced” into instead of one I wanted.
Two weeks ago when those two lines popped up, after five months of heartbreak, I think I knew. Maybe I will feel differently in two or three years, but right now, I kind of feel like if God gives me a second, healthy child that will be good enough for me.
Hopefully 2012 will give you some happiness and enjoyment of what you have and a lot less of longing for what you don’t.
Heather recently posted..Where do I start?
Congratulations, I wish for the feeling of completeness to continue for you.
Anymommy recently posted..Wanted: Cat, Turtle, Bunny, Puppy, Crabs
Oh wow. I knew, and was so sure as I cried for 2 weeks after discovering I was pregnant with child #3 when child #2 was 6 months old. My husband had a vasectomy. I made it. I survived. I learned so much. And, now I long to hold a teeny, tiny warm bundle and hear the soft noises. But we made the decisions. Sometimes I don’t know how I can be SO SURE, and not sure in the same instant.
Sharon recently posted..My wishes
It’s just hard to let go. Thank you.
Anymommy recently posted..Wanted: Cat, Turtle, Bunny, Puppy, Crabs
I mourned and mourned and mourned the third I so badly wanted but my husband so vehemently did not. I was sloppy with the birth control on purpose. But I was also older. And perhaps there was something or someone looking out for the fact that a couple ought to agree on this one… In any case, there was one month where I am sure I was briefly pregnant. Eight days late was never EVER me. And then I mourned some more when I was “just” late instead of “accidentally” pregnant. At that point my daughter was about 2 1/2. It took me until she was 4 to come to accept that perhaps we would never have a third, and to grow to the point where I was ready NOT to. It was long, slow, painful. And lonely. Even more so because I was mourning the very thing that my husband was celebrating.
It would have helped then to know I was not alone. I hope all these comments, all these hearts out here holding yours, help you to feel less alone now.
MommyTime recently posted..Fun and Games, 2011 Version
I never talk about my desire for a third child, which explains why I have started and failed to complete this comment maybe 4 or 5 times since you wrote this amazingly honest post. My two children are 26 months apart. I know, in hindsight, I pushed my husband into having both of them – especially the second one, my daughter. When she was 4 months old I had the copper IUD inserted, thinking I would buy us some time for the kids to grow a a bit and then I would convince him that another baby would be great.
Ha, who knew I’d get pregnant WITH the IUD in place? Who does that?? What a horrid month that was as I went for blood draws and ultrasounds trying to figure out if the pregnancy had implanted itself in the right spot. I so wanted that baby, even more so knowing that this was the only way I’d get my third.
Ectopic. Lost the baby. Lost the tube. Lost the possibility of more.
I am 37 now, the kids are both in school, and I have (finally) lost the baby weight. I’d be fat all over again if I could have another + sign, feel those kicks, and hold that baby that I never did get to meet.
But I don’t talk about it. I love my husband, and he does not want any more babies, so I am trying to let it go. It’s hard.
Jennifer recently posted..In One Year…
I had this longing so badly after my second and my husband resisted a 3rd but something, someone, somewhere had other plans and she’s here. In other words, I know what you feel in some way and I thank you for sharing this with us. Many hugs, my friend.
Elaine recently posted..Newborns are From Heaven (but a tad hard to photograph)
You are right, from one perspective, life IS all lost possibilities, but, it’s made up of all the roads we DID take, too. And they were good roads. They were good.
Cheney recently posted..Black Star
I had two boys. I wasn’t looking for a third at the time when I got pregnant. I found out I miscarried after 10 weeks, a partial molar pregnancy, which meant no trying for at least a year. I was devastated and really blamed myself, because I wasn’t immediately overjoyed with the thought of having 3 kids under 3. I became determined to have a third, despite my husband’s objections. Thankfully, I had a third ,and my husband is just as thankful for her as I am. After three trying pregnancies, and happy with another healthy child, my husband with my full support had a vasectomy. What a mistake (though he doesn’t think so or else I might push for a reversal). I am so sorry we made that decision so soon after I had my third. I was exhausted and still recovering, not a good time to make life changing decisions. I, too, wish that by some miracle that I will still get pregnant, but in reality, I know, it’s over. I think I’m slowly coming to peace with that decision, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? What’s done is done.
Even though we have been done for years now, there will always be that frisson of doubt and regret. Probably because our daughter so desperately wanted and wants a sibling. It hurts way down deep in a place I don’t often access.
Love you.
mosey (kim) recently posted..blue ribbons for jack
Love your phrase, if the worst life has to offer is not letting me have [another] baby, I am blessed. 4 miscarriages later, I (we) have had to acknowledge that we are blessed with our two daughters and that always-expected third child is not coming. It’s heartbreaking and yet I am so blessed. Beautiful post.
I justed wanted to thank you for your post. I had a miscarriage in October (I am the mother of an incredible 2 yr old girl and am trying for a second) and have been feeling very alone. Irrational or not, I have not told anyone (immediate family excluded). As you so aptly put it, I think I am afraid of how it will change how others define me. I found this post on a day when I was feeling particularly lonely. Your words and all of the comments brought me much comfort. So…Thank you.
I tried to leave you a comment the day this went up and couldn’t. I kept meaning to come back to it and couldn’t seem to make myself, I guess it was dredging up too many of my own unwanted issues. We never really intended to stop at two but circumstances dictated that we would, or perhaps we (I) intended to all along but couldn’t bring myself to so I let the excuses carry me… Were the issues we faced really that insurmountable? Who knows. They certainly felt so at the time, but as with all things time has a way of softening the rough edges and leaving a gentler, hazier blur on things. It took me years, but I’m finally in a place where I can find peace in being done and just snuggle the babies I work with (I’m a lactation consultant in my non-photography life) and take comfort in helping them and their mothers to get off to the very best start they can. Was it an optimal journey? God no, it was excruciating, but the other parts of it were so massive that they dwarfed the baby-making (or not) concerns, and here I am at 42 knowing it’s time to be done.
I wish you peace, and that in time you will come to know that oh so elusive done and doner feeling and can instead move on to all the joys that are the raising of older children.
xox
Robin from Israel recently posted..Jerusalem Courtyard
What a community of fabulous ladies, and support. I’m sorrry for all you’ve gone through. However, you are SO truly blessed. I know you know this.
I haven’t had struggles like this, but I do often think about having another baby… will I ever be certain I don’t want another child? How quickly time passes, though… and soon will it be too late? Also, children grow so fast… this often keeps me awake at night, just gasping, because it all goes by quickly, and am I present enough, in the now, with my children? So much to think about… and worry… and wish for. xox
Loukia recently posted..A new year… a new me!
As always, your writing slays me. This…wow. I wish I could reach the point where I felt done. I lost a baby between my boys and now I’m staring down the fact that my last will soon be 10. I’ve tried to reach the thought that this is it, but the feeling that there’s someone missing in my heart is forever there. So is my ability to babble. I just wanted to say I loved this.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) recently posted..if you’re happy and you know it, make a list (1)
Oh Stacey – I can so relate to this post. My husband and I struggled for over 10 years with unexplained infertility – we faced countless tests, procedures, failed IUI’s, 2 failed IVF’s and even 2 failed transfers of embryos to a gestational carrier. Most heartbreaking of all was the loss of 3 babies through miscarriage.
Nearly 7 years ago, my husband and I were blessed with a beautiful son through adoption. He is the light of my life and I love him with all my heart. And yet… and yet…. I mourn – for the pregnancies not completed, for my 3 babies, for the possibilities not realized, and even for the loss of my innocent belief that if I worked hard enough and did everything right, reality would match my dreams and plans. Letting go is so very hard. Hugs to you!
I’ve had three boys, and I always wanted to have four children – maybe try for a girl. After much pressure from DH and mom and OB, finally had a hysterectomy last year… It was the physically “right” thing to do for my children, but I still feel the ache for another child and the emptiness of my body. Tough depression to climb out of, and I work hard at it every day. My heart goes out to you, and it takes comfort that I’m not the only “crazy” woman out there desperately wishing for one more when others already think three is more than enough. xoxo
there should be a pinterest for words. i would pin this: From one perspective, life is all lost possibilities. They spread out beneath us, brittle and bone-like, and start to push us higher and higher until we can stand on a grassy burial mound our own making. The graveyard of roads not taken.
“grassy burial mound of our own making.” who says that? it’s gorgeous. gorgeous words. thank you for writing them, because that’s what it is. and that’s given me some perspective.
i Agree in somewhere had other plans and she’s here. In other words, I know what you feel in some way and I thank you for sharing this with us. Thanks for sharing!
Good Work ! I found this post on a day when I was feeling particularly lonely. Your words and all of the comments brought me much comfort, thanks !
Howdy! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your articles. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same topics? Many thanks!