Well, hell. I thought I was going to write about BlogHer finally, but instead I’m writing about cake. NO. Not that cake.
Saige turned six today. She woke early, blaring with entitled excitement that was impossible to resist. She wanted her hair in a bun. She wanted enchiladas for dinner. She wanted – well, maybe, possibly, might there be SIX presents because she was SIX YEARS OLD?! She wanted the white rainbow cake she saw at the grocery store (thank all that is holy because we all witnessed what happened the last time I tried to play cake).
We bounced through the day fulfilling wishes. What parent doesn’t want to make such reasonable wishes come true? We played with friends and got ice cream and opened presents and brushed the hair of new little princess ponies. I groused at Matt about the strawberry cheesecake he procured before he left for work because what part of “white rainbow cake from cheap grocery store” sounded like weird adultish cake made out of cheese to you? But whatever, we’ll make do. I’ll make cheese fun. There are always sprinkles. I made enchiladas while they watched a new movie and served them outside on the picnic table as requested.
Leaving the enchilada and joy-filled children at the table for a moment, I pulled the cheesecake (? WTF, Matt) out of the fridge and placed six bright candles in the strawberry topping. I stepped out the door, the cake balanced on one hand, matches clutched in the other and my camera around my neck, to find Saige and Quinn waging a milk-spitting war that had already covered the table and their clothes. Milk dripped from the bun in Saige’s hair.
“But now you can’t have cake,” I said in such a stricken tone that they didn’t even protest. They just sat down in the puddle of milk on the picnic table bench.
I guess I’m a really strict mother. We have places in our house that are for children, where couches are for jumping and toys are left strewn and broken things left behind are quietly picked up and thrown away without recrimination. And we have places that are mine and where, for my sanity’s sake, everyone is expected to follow my rules. The table rules are non-negotiable. We sit properly. We ask nicely. We try one bite of everything. Anyone who spits, throws, deposits, mashes, hides or otherwise plays with food is DONE. It’s important. And that’s final.
So we lit the candles and sang happy birthday five times. (Nate really, really likes happy birthday.) Saige blew out the candles and made a wish, but she didn’t get a piece of cake. Garrett and Nate had cake and Saige and Quinn did not.
I know some parents will think that I was wrong. That it’s cruel. It’s possible that they are right. I don’t know. Is it more important that Saige has a beautiful memory of her sixth birthday or is it more important that I am consistent and rules are rules? Do we argue that children are children and they get excited and spit milk? Or do we argue that children need limits? That they must understand that no spitting doesn’t mean no spitting except on your birthday when I really want to give you cake?
We could argue parenting choices all day and we’d be missing the soft, sapling-green heart of it. If you cut away the bark to the wick, you would see me sitting at the table after bedtime under the champagne light of our dining room chandelier. There is a piece of cheesecake in front of me, but I’m crying too hard to eat it.
I don’t always want to be the one who ends the fun and says no cake. But I’m their parent. It’s important. And that’s final.
((This is so reflective, I find myself needing to say that we had a lovely day. And Saige and Quinn handled their consequences very respectfully. I was really proud. It just struck me as a moment in parenting.))
First, happy birthday to Saige! Second, I am so, So, SO impressed with you for being consistent with your rules. I am 99% sure I would have found a way to let her earn back her right to have birthday cake (even if it was the wrong cake…sheesh, Matt!). But even knowing that about myself, I would rather do it your way. Because the fact that they handled it gracefully proves to me the importance of the consistency. I'm going to remember it every. single. time I would rather give in. Thank you in advance for making me a better parent.
I agree with Jessica. I am that mom who would let it go and find a way for her to earn the cake back. I struggle every day with being consistent verses wanting to make her happy. You are such a great example for us all, even when it's a struggle and we don't know what the exact right answer is. But I think the fact that they handled their consequence with grace is a testament to the wonderful mother that you obviously are. Thank you for being you and giving us a glimpse into your life!
That would be really tough. I think you did the right thing. I'm usually strong but I might have cracked on that one. Which is NOT to say that you should have!
P.S. I misspoke when I said, "her right to have cake." It's not a right, it's a privilege, which was why she lost it. Meant to say, "her chance to have cake." Just felt the need to clarify that.
Happy birthday to Saige! I agree, cake is a privelege, not a right, even on birthdays. Once you let them see a chink in your armour, they know its there and will find it again and again!
Also, when did Hampton get so big?! He looks huge in that picture, even next to Matt.
As I join you in crying I can only think of those trips to the park when Ess was learning the rules and you had had had to be soooooo consistent…
Those days are over. It worked. She "gets it". And you are free. Consider THAT girl understanding 'no cake'! You, Ms. C. Are al wild frickin raging success! Happy birthday indeed. Happy birthday.
I guess since you wrote it you are open to comments that disagree with you. You went way too far in my opinion–too much need on your part to hang on to consistency, too much need to exert your will. Your tears seem to indicate you know this on some level. Kids get over excited on their birthday, it was a picnic table. Have them clean it up and apologize and move on. My advice (even though yuo didn't ask for it) is to relax a bit, no bit so into maintaining "control". Yeah kids need consistency but you are not going to have a riot on your hand if you show you are human and can bend a bit. Parenting gets harder in some ways as kids get older and unbendable rules can lead to real rebellion.
Lisa K.
I agree with Lisa K., and she says it beautifully.
Happy Birthday Saige!
Is it possible she'd seen the cake, knew it wasn't the rainbow cake, and went for it? :)
You do the best you can, you make the choices you think are right and that's it. That's all any of get to do. You don't need to apologize for setting rules.
(I'm always the parent who would give in, find a way to make it "right". Is that good or bad? Who knows? One of mine's grown and awesome, one's on her way there and awesome, two it's way too early to tell but it's looking good. Honestly, I think it's all a great deal of luck.)
You're on the front lines. You know your children best. Only you can say if they need cake or consequences on any given day. But it sucks to be the baddie. I think children have a lot of friends and peers to say 'hey, have the cake', but a parent's job is different. We're the ones who sometimes have to say 'no cake'. My mom once made me return a Christmas present because it was something I asked my friend to buy me after my mom said I couldn't have it. I'm sure marching me up the road on Christmas Day was utterly miserable and mortifying for her, but it was a priceless lesson for me. (And when my friend's mom learned what we'd pulled, my friend was busted too.)
You are right. Right. Right. Right. I would give in, find a way to give them cake and that's why I have disasters at dinner. A friend told me recently (and lovingly) that I feel too sorry for them when they screw up. At first I defended myself (I FEEL for them, of course but they have consequences) but I realized I let my pity at their inability to follow the rules overrule my rational brain. I thought I was a strict mom — and I am, except when I'm not. :(
Good job!! Be glad he didn't get the rainbow cake :) — that would've made it even harder . . .
When you say horse-dog, you aren't lying! That dog is huuuuggggeeee!
Still a beautiful picture, I was just struck by the thought that you are crazy for inviting a pony to your day…until I realized that was your dog.
And I would do the same thing you did, no matter how hard it was. Kids need consistency and good parenting.
happy birthday to your lovely girl.
i love that you pose these questions, these dilemmas. i think in the end i'd probably have done differently, though i agree with you fully about limits, just seem to find myself finding ways – as someone else said – for them to earn back privileges these days. unless someone else is hurt/endangered, whether in feelings or body. that seems to be my limit for consequences, these days. but it is an emerging, evolving thing, not one i claim to understand. i end up wondering, like you do, often through tears. and in the end i think little of it harms…they come to learn the boundaries of US, and so long as we are willing to own that us, and the boundaries we set are not cruel ones, hell…what are families but life preparation?
:)
My gut reaction is that it was too harsh; I am saying this being the control freak with my own kids when it comes to expectations and consistancy ( but I could never deny birthday cake on a birthday unless they were in a coma, lol). At the same time, however, I only know you and your kids through your blog, and this is but a tiny slice of you, of them. AND, just because I would not deny cake on a birthday does not mean that it is not okay for someone else to do so. Your kids know you and you know them and the fact that they didn't protest says a lot.
She looks very happy blowing out her candles, even though she knew at that point she wasn't having cake. It is okay! Perhaps if it had been the white rainbow cake…maybe then. But it was just cheesecake. What 6 year old wants cheesecake? ;)
I would have done the same thing you did. Some rules are just always rules & there is no next change, even if it is your birthday.
Now, had they asked ahead of time "We want to eat outside so we can have a food fight" and it was a birthday, then I would have agreed to that & provided mashed potatoes, spaghetti, whipped cream & jello.
But it would have been a plan, not just random misbehaving.
Sounds like you did the right thing…and there are always leftovers. Maybe she will have the privilege of eating cake today.
First off, what the heck Matt???
Secondly, we all do what we think/feel is right in the moment. Sometimes I put my foot down and immediately regret it. Sometimes I bend a little and immediately regret it. That's life.
A home with consistent rules is a safe place for kids. Sometimes rules can bend, but since your immediate reaction to the misbehavior was a heartbroken "but now you can't have cake" you know you did the right thing. And your tears just show how much the job of parenting means to you.
I have to say that I would not have taken away the cake – BUT, I would have regretted it later. I need to be more consistent with the rules (as I have a rule bender/breaker/pusher 5 year old) and I'm beginning to see the consequences of me always giving him a 2nd chance.
It will definitely make me feel like I'm NOT a mean mom the next time I dig my heels in about the rules because I know you did it. As always, your honesty is such a comfort to everyone who reads your blog.
I, too, have denied cake on a birthday for food spitting during dinner. I get it. And so does she.
I am impressed. I also would be in a puddle of tears later though. I often feel like the bad guy, like the one raining on everyone's fun parade. I despise this role at times.
I recently wrote a post about how it might be easier if I just didn't care. If I was perfectly at peace with not teaching them, guiding them to be the kind of people I think will make them happy, armed with the tools to be independent, kind, respectful and good. I had a whole list of things I would do, or not do if I only didn't care so much.
You love them. You care. This is what makes you take away cake on a birthday.
Maybe an slightly bigger piece the next day after good behavior has resumed will soothe any wounds over the event. :)
I admire your strength. The right thing is definitely not always the easiest!
OK. I kind of want to be you. I am so inconsistent with my children. It's horrible.
I lack the ability to create and maintain boundaries. This is a problem.
Wow….This is a hard one…There's being consisent and then there's being a tyrant….Only you and Matt know the struggles and limits of your children and what it would have meant for you to give in to the cake. I only hope that as they grow and make mistakes that you will allow them some leniency so that they gently learn the right path. I can only hope that your anal, OCD ways didn't play as much a part as the actual spitting incident itself.
Fine line between "kids will be kids" and following the rules. No one is right and no one is wrong, it's all a road we must face daily.
Leslie B.
I would have reprimanded my daughter but still given her the cake. I'm always trying to balance my need for rules, consistency, discipline in my home with my desire to indulge and spoil my kids and make up for all that I did not have as a child and my failings as a mother who works constantly outside of the home and who is still not married to their father. I know my issues. I applaud your strength and courage in bringing this moment to us for discourse and for in the end, sticking to your guns. They are your children and you know what's best. I never question that. Super glad Ess had a great sixth birthday with much celebration!
Happy Birthday Saige!!
We all certainly parent differently but one thing I know for sure is that she won't do that again especially on her birthday!
I'm pretty sure that if it had been the white rainbow cake that had been withheld – then you would have had issues. But it was funky adultish cake. Right? So Matt really did you a favor…..
What about delaying the consequence to the following day and going ahead with the birthday celebration? Sounds like maybe you could have found a middle ground but of course being a parent is hard and we thrust into a million different decison making situations a day–however the consequence seems a little harsh for the crime (especially letting the two others have cake in front of the birthday girl? Couldn't have you just delayed the whole thing?)
Consequences are important but so are the times when you tell them "I am going to pretend I didn't see that."
Hope Saige gets cake for breakfast this morning!
Nancy
You know, somehow I don't think it matters much if one parent gives the cake and another doesn't. We all have such different parenting styles. What matters is that both love the children, and that clearly you do.
Happy (belated) birthday to Saige. You know, it's funny, but I'd of let her have cake anyway. I'm a huge hard ass…but on birthdays I give in. Because well, birthdays make them insane people anyway. But? I support you in not. I mean really, I've done a lot of things that make people say I'm too strict.
Maybe tonight she can earn a piece of cake? I think since it's her cake she should at least get a piece, even if it's a day or two later.
I don't know what I would have done in your place, but I do know that as a teacher, I can't thank you enough for setting real boundaries for your kids.
Oh, she'll definitely get cake today. We talked about that right away. And I asked her before we went ahead with the candles and singing. She wanted to do it.
I understand the need for flexibility and letting things slide and I always appreciate that perspective. I do feel that in this case it was either you spit milk everywhere and your meal is over OR I'm going to pretend I didn't see that because it's your birthday. I'm not sure I like what delayed consequences or earning back a privilege in the moment teaches. I'd have to think about it a bit more.
As always, I so much appreciate the kind discussions of parenting that happen here.
@Bon and @ladyjennie I agree that I'm not sure it matters so much in the end … in terms of the question of what is "right" to do as a parent. But then I hit a wall, because if that's the case, why not let them eat the cake? So hard.
I would have done the exact same thing! And you know what, now if I have to I won't even feel guilty! It was still a great birthday!
I had to read your post twice before I could comment. It IS a moment in parenting. What stands out to me is the duality of the context. The first obvious context is the special birthday moment, not just any dinner night, the heartache of the excitement of the day ending with the finale ruined. Ouch, I'd being crying too. Except that's where the second part of the context comes in…in your family life, the normal everyday consequences to misbehavior at dinner were expected, accepted, respected and I'm making an assumption here, did not result in tears by your daughter or the specialness of the day being ruined. Had it been the new rule you put into place last week with this being your first enforcement, well, that would have been cruel. But as a normal part of your family life, your children get it.
Will this always work for you? Can you be too unbending without eventually undoing the good thereby forcing rebellion? I absolutely do not know. Do I believe you believe as a parent you have to do the hard things for the sake of your children, that it’s a burden you shoulder for their future development? Yes, without any doubt. I believe that too. It's a burden all of us struggle with, the balancing act of what works not only for our family life, for our children to grow them into the thoughtful, caring adults who will have a happy life because they were raised with love to have certain values. We each take our own path to get there.
Right now, my path is not consistent. I have never liked rules, routines, seeing my children cry. I would say that I'm learning that they need all of those things to some extent, but I’m still sorting through how I want to apply them in a mix that will work for our family. I know I'm still a sucker for the more than occasional exception and my kids know it too! I’m ok with that. We're in transition right now, and I'm learning a lot on the fly. We have two daughters, one almost 4 with us since she was an infant and one 8 with us less than 5 months. Posts like this one make me think. I like the idea that there are places (physically & emotionally) where kids will be kids and other places where the rules must be followed. That’s what I’m taking away from your post today and thank you. Will I still make exceptions? Probably yes, but that’s part of who I am that I want my children to share. There are moral issues you do not question, but rules?, some are made to be broken. Just like with writing, first you have to learn the rules before you start to break them for creativity’s sake. Fun being a parent, isn’t it? I love it. ;0)
Ah, it can be so hard to follow our own rules. Good for you. They will thank you for it.
Following through on my own rules is one of the HARDEST parts of being a parent. And one of the BEST ways to show my kids what love looks like.
Good job, Mama.
So true to know there is often not a clear cut answer. I feel your guilt and have been there. So hard to know.
Then I remember they really are growing up knowing how much I love them no matter what.
oh wow, this is such a good post!!! i absolutely think you did the right thing. i think we hear the term "mommy guilt" all the time and this is a perfect definition of what mommy guilt is – you want to give in and make the kids happy all the time, but you cannot because you have a responsibility to grow these kids into people that behave and act appropriately. i love that you stuck to your guns and followed your rules. and the fact that your kids did not even give you any grief about it, speaks volumes to how wonderful a parent you are!
sounds like you had the perfect day! thanks for sharing with us. once again, your post is something that will stick with me for a while.
First, LOVE the picture of everyone at the water's edge. Even Hamptom Noodle. Second, the smile on her face as she blows out the candles tells me that she feels just as happy as she should on her birthday. While your choice may not have been every parent's choice, it was consistent for your family and your kids know what to expect. That's a lot to give a kid. Even more than the presents and the enchiladas. We all go at this parenting thing differntly, but hopefully, like you, we all do it from a place of love.
I totally would have ignored the milk spitting and went on with the party, but then again, I have a kid who made bad choices, crashed a motorcycle, has a hole in his head and is expelled from school. Maybe he would have grown up and still made these bad choices, but maybe he makes them because I didn't withhold the cake.
If I could go back 18 years I'd be more consistent rather than worry about making everyone happy and maybe avoid the problems that plague me now. As parents it is natural to second guess our decisions. Maybe in 10 years she'll be some kind of control freak and you'll wish you had been more flexible.
Ultimately kids grow up and become who they were meant to be despite us…control of the here and now is for your sanity.
Wow – what a great group of readers you have. Very interesting responses! I can only share how I came to view rules as I raised my own sons.
It seems to me that rules governing behaviour (manners) are *arbitrary* according to household or culture. They are guidelines that ensure we show respect and tolerance for others. Children need to learn to respect their mother's rules, understand the arbitrary but important social nature of rules and then take that knowledge to the wider world. But rules are tools to get along; spitting milk on someone is not an ethical issue. IMO, rules serve people and can't be more important than people (I'm not speaking about 'laws' here).
Holidays and birthdays are by their nature a type of freedom from rules – slacking rules and breaking/inverting them make can help us learn why we have them in regular life. Who wants milk spit on their face and hair everyday?
I think the best birthdays are free from the normal order of things, and the child often gets to be 'king or queen for a day'. Your queen wanted to spit milk, and had the sense to do it outside. I hope Saige did not get the message that she was special, but not more special than your rules.
I believe tolerance and forgiveness are greater lessons than blind rule-following, because they speak to ethics. As others have said – if she transgressed against 'your' rules then perhaps you should let her earn your forgiveness. These aren't divine laws you're enforcing here -just household rules you've made up to help you stay sane during a crazy time. IMO, everyone needs a little wiggle room. I know parents get exhausted negotiating all the time, and it can be easier to bring the rule-hammer down – but negotiating with others so that everyone gets at least a bit of what they need is a huge skill that kids need to learn and see demonstrated.
I'm not sure if anything is really 'final' when it comes to mothering. The decision you made may not have ended. I agree with Lisa K. that inflexibility can meet with rebellion later, especially with suppressed feelings of injustice. Because this occurred on Saige's birthday, I'm pretty sure you have taught her a lesson she'll never forget – but I'm not sure you can control what she'll take away from this.
But in my experience kids are very forgiving. I think I'd get the requested cake and have a re-do. Cheesecake can be the bad luck birthday cake. Scapegoat the cake!
best,
Nicole
I so would have done it just like you did, but I would have had hubby giving me dirty looks and telling me later how mean I was :( Kudos to you for being consistent!!
Wonderful! A parent that follows through with consequences! Yay – I'm not the only mean mommy. Once year on Christmas Eve, my 5 yr old bit her cousin (unprovoked and for no "real" reason) and the next morning, Santa left her a note expressing his dislike of her actions. She could not open all of her Santa gifts that morning.She was sad but understood that she had done something wrong, hurt someone and had to face the consequences. And 2 years later, she still remembers it as a learning experience. Good for you!
Happy Birthday to your sweet girl!
Oh my God, I love you for this. My 2.5-year-old daughter has become increasingly manipulative lately, begging for alternatives to bend the rules in her favor and coming up with ways to try to test my patience. And I've been finding it hard not to just give in and make her happy. I'll remember this next time she tries to test me.
Happy birthday to your gorgeous girl! How is she already six?!
I honestly don't know if I would have offered up cake or consequences. I think spitting milk is a pretty serious offence, so I understand your choice.
I completely understand your tears, too. It's hard work being the one responsible for turning these small wild animals into civilized humans. You did the best you could and it felt awful. Sometimes the right thing feels awful and you have to do it anyway. I think you're doing a great job.
i think you are amazing – it is soooooo hard to do what you did – and i think you will reap the rewards of it some day. you will make a rule and your kids will know you mean business.
i bow at your greatness!
I was known as the "mean staff" at the group home, I ALWAYS followed the rules. But that's ok, because I was also known as the safe staff. They always knew what to expect, and that they could depend on me.
This is an interesting discussion. I am not a big fan of consistency for consistencies sake . I am also not so sure that the fact that she handled the cake ban graciously means the rules are working–it may just she jsut knew she was defeated and if she objected it would just lead to more restrictions–which I guess can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it.
Lots of interesting points raised but I disagree with comments regarding rules like yours making kids feel "safe". Yes, kids need to feel safe in their home, to know what is expected of them, to have a routine, to have order to their lives, to know their needs will be met, to learn responsibility, to feel safe physically and emotionally–but I think we would all agree withholding the cake or letting the milk spitting slide is not really about Saige feeling safe.
I teach my kids to sometimes let things go–if their little sister is over tired and pitching a fit sometimes the right thing to do as let her choose what's for desert even though she is being a brat. Or if my teenage son suffers a tough loss in a track meet maybe it is okay that we forget to remind him that it is his turn to take out the garbage and I encourage his younger brother to chip in and help out because he will need a favor some day as well.
I am sure you want your children to forgive, forget, and move on sometimes when their siblings touch their toy or annoy them. THat probably is a more important a lesson than the one about milk and we need to model that as well.
I think I am in the minority though because most responses seem to fall into the you did the right thing category.
Nancy
PS I am still in shock that your kids will even eat cheesecake!
I want to clarify – though I'm not sure if anyone will see this! – that I wasn't looking for accolades here. (Though, of course, you are all lovely.) Nor do I dismiss the disagreement. I read it seriously for nuggets that help me as a person and a parent.
On the other hand, I also don't think that those of you that strongly disagree are "right" to my "wrong." I don't believe for a second that very flexible, feelings-oriented, kids will be kids type parents will raise better, less rebellious, more balanced kids than I will raise. Nor do I believe that I will raise kids that won't get into trouble, make mistakes, screw up their lives, etc., etc. We'll all love them no matter what and that's what matters.
And yes @Gayle, I am saying, loud and clear, that I see the love in your family and SHIT HAPPENS. Don't blame yourself, just parent him where he is.
I do not think consistency trumps all and I don't think I'll parent the way I do now in five years. I have to say though that I disagree pretty strongly with Nicole. Rules are grounded in ethics. They are about how we live together treating each other with civility and dignity. Not spitting on anyone for any reason is a serious rule, not an arbitrary manner (like for instance, she didn't use her fork). I do not think special occasions are opportunities to disregard the rights of others not to be spit on or my right to have spit free table.
And I'm not sure Saige takes away a terribly unforgiving message in this particular instance. I didn't yell or shame her or cause a scene. I stated (almost unconsciously) our rule that spitting food means the meal is over. We talked about how sad that was and whether she wanted to continue or put the cake away for the next day. (I realize none of that was in my post, just typing away now.) So, I'm not concerned about teaching a lack of forgiveness. At least not in this instance, I make plenty of other mistakes for that.
I am taking much from this discussion. Thank you.
I just spent the last weekend with my family, including my cousins who are 2, 7 and 9 and all I can say is bravo. I wish that my aunt would enforce consequences with her kids because they have no manners. I love them and know my aunt is doing the best she can, but her kids are rude in public and walk all over her.
Birthdays are days like any other. As an adult, I can't speed or steal things and kids, likewise, shouldn't be able to break rules without consequences. Not having a piece of cake is far from the end of the world.
Wow Stacey. What a conversation starter this one was. Just wanted to let you know that I wish I was more like you. I'm the queen of second and third and sometimes forth chances and I can see that my kids have come to expect that. I'm trying hard to stick to my guns. I think that you did what is best for your family and Saige looks perfectly fine blowing her candles out. I don't see tears and unhappiness, I see a slight smile and a happy little girl. Good work mom.
What a lovely, thought provoking post.
It was a tough situation, and you did what was right for your family.
Ultimately, that is all that matters.
I am a bit shocked and dismayed that so many have felt like this was a forum to criticize your parenting. It was unkind and I hope you will continue to parent YOUR way.
i was thinking, not long ago, that every decision I make as a parent is a bad one.
And I was reminded by someone, of this wonderful truth.
There is a good and a bad to each and every decision. We simply must look for the good.
And I think that today- you should choose the good.
Saige is so beautiful. And I love seeing your family with your awesome horse.
But yeah, I would have caved and everyone would have gotten cake. Even the horse.
They may not have handled it so respectfully if you weren't really good at sticking to the rules. I have, and have had, such a hard time with that. Mine are teenagers now, and I'm ready to have another to try again! Well, maybe not, but if someone dropped one on our doorstep, I would certainly take it and run!
Happy Birthday to Saige!!! I'm sure she'll always remember how wonderful her 6th birthday was, and later in life, when they're all grown up, those two will look back reflectively, possibly in a YouTube video, and laugh about the milk spitting and how mom said no cake. ;)
I want to say NO NO NO – don't do it! Don't go there! But my heart is now in agreement with my head – discipline isn't easy. How would you tell Nate that it was ok for his brother and sister to break the rules today – but not tomorrow – just because the cake was dresses with candles?
You can't. At least not in a way he would understand.
Discipline isn't easy.
But then again – I'm the mom that stuck to her guns about missing an Easter Egg Hunt several years ago – if they refused to follow the rules. They didn't – and they didn't hunt. It broke my heart. But they lived. Heck, they've thrived. They're now 17 & 14 and know that rules are to be followed or expect consequences.
I wish there had been a way to "earn" the cake back. But in life, some things don't have a "do over" button.
Plus – it's cheesecake. The leftovers will be good tomorrow.
PS: I've had cheesecake for my birthday every year since I was SIX – and I'm now, er, um, well let's say I'm more than 6 times that. (But no strawberry topping for me!)
This may have been mentioned before (sorry, I didn't have time to read all the comments) but I'll say it anyway.
You have always been very conscious about giving Saige safe boundaries. From the time you told other parents to not hold her while she was learning you were mommy to the time you educated her teacher on institutionalized behaviors, you have established boundaries. Maybe Saige accepted the consequence so readily because she knew it was coming. Maybe that is exactly what she needs.
You're her mommy, you know her best.
Consistency is a really important way of teaching kids – you did good, even though it made you weep later.
Having just left a family gathering where I saw great-nieces (8, 5, and 4) for the first time, I applaud you. I want to send a link to your blog to the mothers and grandmother of these adorable, undisciplined and coddled girls, because they could learn so much from you. Consistency in discipline is everything. If you weaken, they will sense it, like sharks drawn to the faintest scent of blood. And then you are parental toast. Hang in there.
I have now spent the last two birthdays with a child in a house where birthdays trump discipline.
It is all I can do to not completely lose it with him by the end of the day. If it were up to me, he'd likely have no cake. As it is, I will call him out on the blatant disrespect, regardless of the day and last year his mom said "but it's his birthday".
Well, his birthday does not mean he gets to roll his eyes at me while using inappropriate language, or slam doors in his sister's and my faces. I'm sorry.
I'm impressed that you stuck with your consequence and I think it's great that you asked HER if she wanted to wait until tomorrow for cake/candles. It would have been a special day, even if a day late.
Good for you! Lucky kids! I would love to say I would have stuck to my rules, too, but I also have a voice in my head saying, "He's only little once. He won't need me to hold him soon. Soon he won't be here for everything birthday, and I want the beautiful memory of this." That's the voice I sometimes go with. But I also want to be consistent, so I try to do that, too. They are often mutually exclusive, unfortunately. So, good for you!
I remember my Mom always telling me that the discipline she was enforcing was always, harder on her than it was on me.
At the time I thought, "yeah, right!"
And while sometimes it doesn't hurt (when they've pitched a fit and tossing them gently in their bed and shutting the door feels SO FREAKING GOOD), a lot of times – especially as they get older – it does hurt.
It hurts to tell them they've lost a privilege that I was SO EXCITED to give them. Maybe that's a selfish perspective.
Rules are rules, and love is love. Beautifully handled.
{And happy birthday sweet Saige!}
XO
I applaud you for your consistency! I'm perfectly capable of being a hardass…most of the time. Sometimes I'm just too lazy, which undermines everything I do and probably makes me look erratic to my kid. I probably would have let him 'earn' it back as well.
I hate always having to be the rule-enforcer.
I totally relate to this post.
And I just read the two below it, and I just have to say AGAIN how much I admire your intellect and your articulation of an argument, your parenting and your storytelling.
Although like others of your readers, I probably would have caved, I am (as always) filled with admiration at how you parent. I consider myself "strict" compared to other families in our community, but I don't have the talent for rock solid consistency that you have.
Parenting is like religion and politics. When we start trying to convince each other of why our approach/beliefs are *right* we cease to be able to listen and support each other as women… friends. It's definitely complicated. Sounds like you did the *right* thing for you and your family, and your parenting decisions come from a well-thought-out, deep and loving place. Happy birthday to your sweet daughter. Sounds like a lovely day to me! xo
I am probably going to be super unpopular for saying this – and I apologize ahead of time.
I would have made it clear that spitting milk is not okay but I wouldn't have taken away her cake on her birthday.
As a parent I think it's important that while we are consistent and rules are rules we show growth as a parent by being flexible. And lady I love the way you raise your kids, don't misunderstand — they are lovely, you are lovely, and you love them so much I see that so clearly.
However, turning six is a day filled with excitement and sometimes six year olds are going to forget their manners and the food rules on their birthday. And for me I think I would have probably talked to my kids about how I get how excited they are about turning six and how much fun birthdays are but that doesn't take away from the fact they need to act like ladies and gentlemen — and now they are going to have to stop their fun and come help clean up the mess they created.
And then I would have served cake.
:) You know I adore you, I am sorry to disagree with you.
I don't know for sure I would have done the exact same thing–but it is possible.
This I do know (since my four kids range in age from 16-26): if you establish early that your rules are your rules you can be more flexible later when they're older and understanding and reason are a two-way street.
You did the right thing. She WILL NOT remember the detail of not eating the cake. She will remember that there was a cake and singing and candles. She won't remember the rest. But if she'd gotten the cake despite the behavior and the rules, she WOULD remember that for days, weeks, and her behavior would reflect it.
It's important for kids to know that rules and expectations do not disappear on certain days or at certain locations! Good Job!!!!!
I'm sorry to be late with Birthday wishes for Saige (the 16th is my birthday too!) but we're dealing with bed time issues with the Bean around here and my reading comes in fits and starts. Happy Birthday Saige; people born on August 16th are awesome and I'm not just saying that :)
We had a similar thing with The Peanut's birthday too, good for you for standing your ground and amazing of the kids to accept the consequences.
okay, i totally would have given her the cake. but that in NO WAY makes your decision wrong :-) i'm a strict parent, but a really big softie when it comes to birthdays. also, i'm a little more lenient on table rules when we're eating outdoors. heh. i've been known to start the food fight, so who am i to judge ;-)
kudos to the kids for handling consequenses well, and kudos to you for doing what you believe is right for them.
xo
Those moments in parenting can be so difficult, but so necessary. I often find myself, at the end of the day, questioning everything as I stare into my glass of wine. Parenting is hard, especially when it is done well.
I love it! I respect the mamas in my life so much who are able to be consistent even when it is so hard like this because they know that for their kids, it opens the door to a whole lot of trouble the next time!
Thanks for sharing this story – i have my own meal-time struggles with my kids – especially the boys and if you can be firm with birthday cake – i can be firm with peanut butter and jelly… Happy birthday Saige!
I have a totally different opinion on the matter but your kids aren’t my kids, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?
How is she SIX?!?! Happy Birthday, Saige! You are so beautiful and sound like a pretty awesome kid.
Also, Evan wants tiramisu for his birthday cake this year. Tiramisu and sushi. Yum.
[...] considered finding a way for her to earn it back, but I remembered a hard choice my friend Stacey wrote about a while back. It reminded me that sometimes parenting is about making the hard choice, even when it physically [...]