Sip locusts

You know how your mom told you that you’d understand some day and you thought, no, no I won’t because you’re mean and I’m not going to be mean, so there? Because you were twelve and kind of horrid?

Well, when I was little, long, long ago in a kingdom far, far away … . No. Seriously. When I was a kid, my mom drank a diet soda almost every day and the musical pop of that can opening and that sweet, forbidden liquid fizzing into a glass of ice was like a homing call for my sisters and I. We’d crawl out of the woodwork and beg and whine and plead.

A siiiiiiiiippppppp? Just one siiiip? Pleeeaaaaasseeee? Moooooo-oooooom? Just one?

And she was all, no. Like it was nothing. Just no. Go away, even.

I thought my mom was mean. I still remember feeling, deep in my soul, how mean and selfish she was. She had that whole beautiful glass of fizzy pop all to herself – and not even just one – oooohhhh no, she could go and get another one out of the fridge any time she wanted – and she wouldn’t give us a teensy, weency, tiny, little sip.

Mean.

Mom. Here you go. You waited almost forty years, but here it is. Sit down. I was wrong and I now understand. I’m so sorry I judged you.

I like icy cold ice water. I like it crystal clear with an unsullied straw. My favorite is from Starbucks because it’s triple distilled and as clear as clear can be. But I swear on all that is holy and pure, the minute that green-aproned barista hands me the glass of icy cold goodness, it starts.

I dirsty.

No, I’m thirsty.

Momma, I’m thirsty.  No, me.  

I sip. I sip! I SIP!!

They’re like locusts. Viscous, water-hungry locusts who are incapable of taking a sip from a straw without back-blowing gag-inducing crumbs of everything they’ve eaten for the last three hours into it. Why is there always spittle that hangs between their nasty little lips and the straw? Why can’t they just drink with a constant upward pull, why must they snort shit back down?

Why can’t they drink from their own damn water bottles that I packed carefully so that I could keep my water separate and pure and unclouded by demonic backwash?

Why, mom? Why? Is my own glass of water too much to ask? The floaties. They ruin it. I’m so sorry for every drink I sullied.

And they’re sneaky. I looked away for like a second and one of them has darted in for the sip like a buzzard. You see Nate. I see a harbinger of clear water doom.

Oh, I know. Cute baby saying “cheeeeessse.” Look closely. I’ll make it very large for you. Uh huh. Snot. Also, granola bar, on his left cheek. BOTH OF WHICH ARE NOW IN MY WATER.

Ew. Dammit.

60 Responses to Sip locusts
  1. DysFUNctional Mom
    July 12, 2011 | 6:37 am

    See, I drink Diet Soda so my excuse is no, it's bad for you.
    (to which the little smart-asses reply, then why do YOU drink it?)
    Don't you wish there was a way to make it taste horrid to them?

  2. Jill
    July 12, 2011 | 6:57 am

    Gawd bless my mother – who was the only one I knew (way back then) who could handle drinking out of the SAME cup (with a straw) as my baby brother.

    To this day, I still gag.

    And REFUSE to let any of my kids drink out of my drink. Seriously. The end.

    Still serious…

  3. Jill
    July 12, 2011 | 6:59 am

    P.S. He IS utterly adorable. And for one itty bitty titty second, I MAY consider letting him drink out of my cup.

    P.S.S. Then I'd pull my head out of my ass and say, "HELL NO". And then I'd pinch his delicious cheeks.

  4. Kira
    July 12, 2011 | 8:30 am

    My sister and I had this exact conversation the other day! We now completely understand our mother not wanting to share her drink with us, and were amazed at how many other things we look at now and think "I get it now. Mom wasn't psycho after all!". She was just fed up with the locusts!

  5. Gayle
    July 12, 2011 | 9:31 am

    I just give them all their own fizzy soda. Or two. Or six. How ever many you want just don't drink out of mine and don't eat my ice. The ice I have in the freezer just for me. For my ice eating addiciton. God forbid their little filty hands reach in for some. The world comes to a screeching halt.

    My husband. The exact opposite..he shares everything. Drinks and food. He eats all their leftovers. So hard to fight his bad habits. HA!

  6. Anonymous
    July 12, 2011 | 10:37 am

    My kids ask why I always take a big sip of my drink before I give them a sip (usually towards the end of the drink anyway). Um, because once you touch it, I would have to be seriously thirsty to ever sip from it again, gross ones. Thats why.

    Stephanie

  7. Michelle
    July 12, 2011 | 11:27 am

    I love your blog. I love how you can take the everyday ordinary occurrences of motherhood, put your spin on them, and make me laugh out loud and want to share your story with everyone I know.

    My daughter always wants what I am drinking…sometimes I tell her it's a grown-up drink, even when it's not. Of course, she'll grow up thinking I'm a drunkard but hey…that's the price I pay for having clean drinks!

  8. Varda
    July 12, 2011 | 11:53 am

    I love this. Can so relate. Eeeew.

    My son Ethan? A coffee locust. Yes coffee. And he's 9. (OK, not even, but he'll be 9 at the end of July so I have to start thinking of him that way so I don't blubber all over him on his birthday, being SO not my baby and all.)

    It started out with me, like a fool, letting him have one sip, once… thinking: stinking picky eater that he is he'll hate the taste and that will be the end of it. Fool. He LOVED it. (face palm)

    So now every time he is around when I'm drinking coffee – especially iced coffee? He wants a sip. He begs, whines, wheedles and pleads for a sip. Damn locust.

    And you know how nicely the other mommies at Starbucks look at me when I occasionally let him have one, right?

  9. mssharealot
    July 12, 2011 | 12:27 pm

    My youngest always asks "why do you drink Dr. Pepper if it is bad for you?" because that is the "official" reason they can't share my drink. And yes, I remember thinking my mom was horrid. She's now one of my best friends. One day we'll be friends with our kids too (or that's the hope that keeps me going, along with the caffiene…)

  10. jen
    July 12, 2011 | 12:55 pm

    finners is incapable of taking a drink of my icy cold water without jamming his grimy little hand into it to fish out icecubes.
    makes me ill when there are floating remnants.

  11. Robyn
    July 12, 2011 | 1:12 pm

    You are SO right!

    It pains me to say that I definitely understand some of my mother's (seemingly, then) inane decisions now that I have kids.

    And, I distinctly remember my mother's bagel ALWAYS tasting better than mine – even when they were exactly the same. Must be a child's love that makes mommy's better.

  12. AmazingGreis
    July 12, 2011 | 1:23 pm

    Love this!!

  13. Kerrie
    July 12, 2011 | 1:27 pm

    My mom used to hide Nutty Bars, just for herself, and I thought, no! I'd never do such a hideous, selfish thing. You can just buy more? Why would you do that.

    And now, 25 years and four kids later, I'm like, NO! You can't have a bite! Get away, you evil flock of vultures!

    And yes. I do actually say it. Occasionally.

  14. Anonymous
    July 12, 2011 | 1:38 pm

    We would be friends. I love your honesty. I LOVE my children and would lay down my life but, OMG, stay away from my water bottle. stay.away. I tell them they aren't allowed to have water bottles because it doesn't have flouride and their teeth will rot and they will have to get shots and the dentist will DRILL their teeth with a power drill . . . yes, I know, what will I do when they have a cavity and I have to convince them it won't be that bad . . . cross that bridge when I get to it . . .

  15. Erin
    July 12, 2011 | 2:08 pm

    I could have written this myself. Just yesterday, I said in frustration to Shane, WHY DO THEY ALWAYS WANT MY DRINK, ALWAYS? I love my water ice cold and perfect, too, and inevitably before I can enjoy it, little hands are slurping it, backwashing in it, fishing out ice cubes with their sticky fingers. I never get to finish a glass of water.

  16. Christy
    July 12, 2011 | 2:21 pm

    Oh my – another post that hits the nail on the head exactly! I can't even consider touching a drink again after the 3 year old has his "sip". Sip – ha! Watching all of those various floating particles swirling around in the liquid afterward – ugh!!!

  17. Allyson
    July 12, 2011 | 2:26 pm

    I can't leave my iced tea unattended or Peyton comes swooping in and sullies it. I feel your pain. I am that mom, too.

  18. Hezra
    July 12, 2011 | 3:06 pm

    So funny your drink of choice is simply clean water and you can't even have that. My poor dear friend. And oh my gosh the boy is seriously cute. Even WITH snot and crumblies. But yeah, I would prefer my own drink too. and btw, what was your mom's response??? ;-)

  19. Holly Taylor
    July 12, 2011 | 3:22 pm

    I am always yelling at my kids to get out of my stuff. They have lost my diamond earrings, spilled drinks all over my books, and left my shoes out in the rain. I completely get my mother now wanting boundaries on HER stuff.

    Thanks for the comment the other day, that was a nice surprise!

  20. She Looks Like a Mom
    July 12, 2011 | 3:24 pm

    I learned R-baby had figured out how to drink from a straw when I was pushing her in the cart at Target, holding my green tea frappuccino (with a shot of raspberry on top). She started freaking out, wanting to have it. I gave it to her thinking she just wanted to see the pretty colors, but she started sucking it down! Girl finished my frappuccino! I have to be all stealthy when I order my drinks now, making sure she can't see them from her stroller, or going through the drive thru since her carseat is still rear-facing. It was so much easier to feed my Starbucks addiction back when she didn't know how to use a straw!

  21. K
    July 12, 2011 | 3:28 pm

    This post just reminded me of all the times in my childhood I begged my mom for a bite, a taste, a sip of whatever she had… It always looked better than what I had in front of me. And now I see why, because my children are doing the same thing!

  22. Enjoli
    July 12, 2011 | 4:38 pm

    I just had this same conversation (yours is much more descriptive and funny, of course) with the mister at a pizzeria this weekend. He shared my beloved Pellegrino bottle with our two preschoolers and then asked why I was ordering a new one. "Ahem, do you see the pizza crust crumbs all over their lips? I don't want that crap in my precious fizzy water. Duh." Thanks for being on one accord with me.

  23. Issas Crazy World
    July 12, 2011 | 4:40 pm

    I hate to share my drink, but I do it anyway.

    Right now, I'm in love with the Camelback water bottles. I have my very own…but they have special, twice as expensive ones with effing butterflies and cars on them…so they leave mine alone.

  24. kendrasue
    July 12, 2011 | 4:51 pm

    I am with you on the Starbucks water. It. is. delicious.

  25. The Beaver Bunch
    July 12, 2011 | 5:11 pm

    I heard of a woman once who, nomatter what she was drinking, she drank it from a coffee cup.

    Chocolate milk? Coffee cup.

    Soda? Coffee cup.

    Water purified to perfection? Coffee cup.

    Her kids hated coffee. My kids LOVE coffee. Stupid trick never works for me.

    I made the mistake and bought one of those clear, take out looking but not really a take out, cups the other day. I've been wanting one for a sweet forever. But my crazy kids think it's the coolest cup ever. And I have 5 little drink whores in my house so if I turn my back, BAM! it's gone.

    We tricked our oldest into thinking that anything except water is nasty. Wish we'd have stayed overprotective and ultra-cautious. Maybe now I'd be able to drink my non-water drinks in PEACE.

  26. Heather
    July 12, 2011 | 5:24 pm

    I can have two perfectly good cups of water in the living room. Mine, and his. Both filled and iced at the exact same time but it NEVER fails… he always wants to drink from MY cup. Yet when we go out and I suggest we share a water bottle the world ends. He wants HIS OWN!!

  27. MamaRobinJ
    July 12, 2011 | 5:29 pm

    Oh, ugh, I know!! My son does this to me all the time. I have a water bottle at all times and he always wants to drink from it. Sometimes mommy just wants her own water!

    I totally get it.

  28. Linn
    July 12, 2011 | 6:05 pm

    I completely see your point. When I was 8 mom had my little brother & 15 when she had my little sister so as the big sister I had to share everything so crumbs don't bother me but I am like you. Sometimes you just want something that is just yours. I usually hide out to enjoy my own treats.

  29. Linn
    July 12, 2011 | 6:06 pm

    Also, I laughed so much while I was reading.

  30. Mel
    July 12, 2011 | 6:38 pm

    As me dear old mother used to say, "I could be drinking buzzard pee and you kids would want a drink of it!" She's no longer here, but, if there is a heaven, she's up there laughing as my two year old spits her backwash into my Diet Coke. This whole subject makes me laugh!

  31. MommyNamedApril
    July 12, 2011 | 7:22 pm

    i, oh so literally, threw up into the sink a couple days ago because my water was sneak attacked by a snot nose, goldfish cracker, back-washing beast of a child. *sigh*

  32. Anna See
    July 12, 2011 | 7:26 pm

    Ick. I know. I know. Reminds me of my mom's Tab.

  33. Mama Cas
    July 12, 2011 | 8:12 pm

    I have only 2 rules in my house.

    #1 – Don't touch my drink. Ever. Ever ever ever. Kids are gross and I don't wish to partake of their grossness.

    #2 – Repeat rule #1.

  34. Roxanne
    July 12, 2011 | 8:30 pm

    FYI – Don't tell your child that drinking soda is bad for you.

    Every time you grab a soda, said child will start crying 'that's bad for you! you're going to DIE mama!'

    True story.

  35. Sandi
    July 12, 2011 | 9:02 pm

    I drink diet coke so I can't see what they backwash into it. Try it, anything brown will do.

  36. Jibberblog
    July 12, 2011 | 9:52 pm

    I think this applies to everything. I feel this way about my furniture. STOP rearranging all the couch cushions please. I feel this way about peeing alone. NO you may not come in, can I pee in peace, by myself, OMG fine I'm done. I share my drink occasionally, but typically I will just buy them their own so I don't have to share. I let them have soda/pop also, if it means I get to have my own without harrassment. Why is there no list of these things given out when you first bring baby home?

  37. thewonderfulhappens
    July 12, 2011 | 11:56 pm

    UGH–this is SO true! I can hardly bear to wash out my kids' water bottles with all the chunder in the bottom!!!

    My youngest son loves coffee (unsweetened even!) and Sprite–2 of my favorite drinks. Sometimes I give him a few sips just as a bonding experience because he is definitely relates sharing food to love. But a little part of me dies every time.

    Every time. {Sigh}

  38. Lisa L
    July 13, 2011 | 1:25 am

    A friend tells this disgusting story: when she and her sibs were little, their mom used to finish up their leftovers from their plates, including their glasses of milk. (The thought of which turns my stomach….the milk part.)One day the mom picked up her brother's breakfast milk, sucked it down and lo, there was a big ol' piece of egg white which made its way into her mouth! She quit doing the gastronomical clean-up immediately :)

  39. The Mommy Therapy
    July 13, 2011 | 2:03 am

    I left my Starbucks cup within toddler reach this morning and turned around to watch my 13 month old drinking the last of my chai tea. I felt actually angry.

    I definitely understand wanting to keep it to yourself. We've got to have something for our own!

  40. Pseudo
    July 13, 2011 | 2:49 am

    Awesome. I bet your mama loves this post.

  41. Mommy Mo
    July 13, 2011 | 2:51 am

    OMFG, this is hilarious and so true. I pack drinks for them, the exact same thing I am drinking- icy cold water- and they ALWAYS wants mine.

    Little fuckers.

  42. Sharon
    July 13, 2011 | 2:53 am

    Love the analogy of sip locusts! I have 3 of them. My father, lets mine drink from his, ugh, gag. Totally "get it!"

  43. Leah and Maya
    July 13, 2011 | 3:11 pm

    see so you are much much nicer then me, I WILL NOT drink after Maya, the thought of it makes me want to gag. I"m sure she's gotten better but the stuff that ends up back in your drink, just not happening. If hse runs out of water in the car and I have to give up mine, then I will make sure if I want a drink I take one then because i"m not drinking it later.

  44. Shell
    July 13, 2011 | 10:18 pm

    I just tell mine everything is a mommy drink. Which I'm sure they tell their teachers, who now think I start drinking before breakfast. I don't. I wait til lunch. ;)

  45. MommyTime
    July 14, 2011 | 1:08 am

    There is almost nothing I hate more than that soggy-crumbly disgusting backwash that ends up in my drink when they sip it. Maybe nails on a chalkboard. Or a$$hat colleagues. But only maybe.

  46. aBroad
    July 14, 2011 | 2:14 am

    Amazing how just reading this brought back deeply buried memories.
    Thanks, thanks a lot.
    Luckily, I have no small beggars sneaking drinks anymore …
    I take that back , it is not luck , I would love to have some small sloppy babies begging for a drink from my clear glass of water ..
    Send me a baby !
    Thank you. C

  47. aBroad
    July 14, 2011 | 2:15 am

    PS .. my mother was too young to have me so I grew up drinking Coke .. in my own glass.
    It's a wonder I didn't smoke too.

  48. Lauren V
    July 14, 2011 | 2:15 am

    Love it. My little one (9months) is just learning to use a straw and I come close to gagging just watching all of the floaters that shoot out of the bottom of his straw after every sip. I stir tiny star shaped pasta into a lot of his food for texture, so that is awesome. And I'm not even drinking it, I'm just watching him. I probably shouldn't be using clear cups…

    And the older one isn't allowed near my drinks. Totally get it.

    And yes, the starbucks water is the best :)

  49. Deidre
    July 14, 2011 | 2:26 am

    This post cracks me up and the comments, OMG! I cannot stand the thought of my kids drinking from my drink. Just reading about it makes me gag! I had no idea how universal it was.

  50. Vitale Family
    July 14, 2011 | 12:30 pm

    So funny…but in that way that is cruel and evil.

    Number one rule to live by but hard to enforce: We do not share cups, drinks, etc. Do NOT! Of course that bites me in the ass in times of desperation and a need for everyone to share a drink because there is only one.

  51. Willow
    July 14, 2011 | 4:56 pm

    Oh, Yes. This is one of my biggest mommy pet peeves (I have many). I LOVE ice cold water or seltzer and am constantly drinking it. My kids (especially my two year old) are obsessed with my drinks and will stop drinking whatever I have just given them so that they can have some of mine. It totally grosses me out. I know that they're my kids, and I will do anything for them, but kid backwash is disgusting. It never fails. They always get crumbs or spit in it, especially if there is no straw. Sometimes, I sneak into my back pantry, where I am out of sight, to drink my water in peace. Although, they seem to find me within a matter of seconds. It must be the sound of the ice clinking in the glass.

  52. Keely
    July 14, 2011 | 6:42 pm

    Haaaaaaaaaaa. I am totally the same. NO, goddamnit, you ate your own ice cream and half of your father's, you *can't* just have a lick. Ew.

  53. the mama bird diaries
    July 15, 2011 | 4:01 pm

    I hate ice. Can we still be friends? But I so get this. I just want to be able to drink or eat anything without having to share it. But then I think, aren't I supposed to be teaching them how to share?

  54. the mama bird diaries
    July 15, 2011 | 4:01 pm

    I forgot to add… He is SO CUTE!!!

  55. Holly
    July 15, 2011 | 10:49 pm

    Huh, I didn't even know you could get just water at Starbucks. And I wonder if caffeine molecules waft through the air from the coffee beans into the water. Hmm.

    Your boy is sooo cute!

  56. Katrina W.
    July 16, 2011 | 12:09 am

    Yes! Exactly.

    Love it. (The post, not my kids' floaters in my beverages.)

  57. Just Two Chicks
    July 19, 2011 | 5:35 pm

    Haha… at 13 my son still wants to drink after me. The question I always ask is… Are you sick? Are you sure? Let me feel your head…

    My 17 year old daughter thinks it's just gross to drink after people.. the same child, who at three, picked a cup up at a store and took a big drink before I could get to her.. I really did not want to look in that cup. I wanted to rush her to an emergency room for a stomach pump to get all the nasty stranger germs… she lived. :)

    I was able to teach my kindergartners that we do not share cups, but even then they would ask me for a drink of MY water… it looked so much more appealing in a water bottle, I guess, than what they had in their cute little sport cups.

    Cute little guy!

  58. Galit Breen
    July 24, 2011 | 3:23 am

    OMG.

    D-Y-I-N-G.

    That is all.

    XO

  59. Roxanne
    July 24, 2011 | 8:16 pm

    This post cracks me up and I'm with you on it.

    Can't stand the thought of drinking something after my daughter as gotten a hold of it. baby spit freaks me out and I can't handle it in my drinkstand the thought of drinking something after my daughter as gotten a hold of it. baby spit freaks me out and I can't handle it in my drinks

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