First pregnancy: It hasn’t been too hard to adjust my diet. It’s for the baby. Who needs soft cheese, raw seafood or wine? I’ve switched to organic vegetables and I’m limiting my carbs. I have to watch my sugar!
Third pregnancy: Yes, I did order the Gorgonzola pizza with clams, the ahi appetizer and a glass of white wine and if you glance at my belly again I will cut you.
First pregnancy: Oh my god! I’m having contractions 20 minutes apart. Giggle. Let’s go! It’ time. Call everyone. Let me just glance lovingly at the Land of Nod nursery before we leave.
Third pregnancy: Matt, they are only 2.5 minutes apart. I’ll wait in the car, you see if that mothereffing infant seat is under the sleds in the garage. And shit. We need to borrow a crib mattress.
First baby: Bath time, then books and snuggles and bed.
Fourth baby: Mom! Can we take a bath? No. no. NO. I hate baths, baths are slow and wet. And you all had one like five days ago.
First baby: Oh, please don’t give him that cheerio whole, I break them in half. Choking hazard, you know.
Fourth baby: Amy: Nate has like ten grapes in his mouth. Stacey: Nate! Chew.
First baby: I try to make sure he only watches one instructional signing video a day. He likes the songs and I have to shower.
Fourth baby: Nate cries when the Star Wars theme song comes on. Isn’t that cute?
First baby: Well, he naps at 10:34 a.m. and 1:46 p.m. and eats at 8:00, 10:00, 12:00, 4:00 and 6:00. So, I’m not sure if we can make it.
Fourth baby: Nap? Oh I don’t know. Nate naps in the car sometimes. We will be there.
First baby: I brought grapes and bananas cut them into pieces the long way. I also brought strawberries cut into pieces the long way, but they are separate because I know some pediatricians recommend not trying strawberries until the second birthday.
Fourth baby: It’s my snack day?
First baby: I am going to cry if you won’t try this organic nature’s perfect be the best mom you can be $85.00 macaroni and cheese.
Four children: Come ON! It’s the kind you like with the yellow dye and the Star Wars Lego noodles. Eat it, curse you all, it was on sale at Winco and we have 200 boxes.
First baby: It’s important to validate their feelings. We try to acknowledge the emotion, even when we don’t like the behavior.
Yesterday: I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE SAD! YOU KNOW WHO’S SAD? ME! I’M SAD. BECAUSE I HAVE TO CLEAN UP ALL THAT SOGGY TOILET PAPER AND UNCLOG THE TOILET. THAT’S THE WHOLE IDEA OF TIME OUT – TO MAKE YOU SAD. TO MAKE YOU AS SAD AND MISERABLE AS I AM IF NOT MORE SAD. GO! SIT! ON! THE! STAIRS! AND PLEASE TRY TO BE AS SAD AS POSSIBLE. QUIETLY. WITHOUT INVOLVING ME IN ANY WAY.
Ahem.
And they wonder why personality traits depend on birth order. How about you … how have you changed?
This made my night. I think you're awesome. From first to fourth. I think I am gonna skip right to the "after" when I have my kids. Less pressure that way. I wonder what Hampton Noodle would be like if he was your first kid instead of your fifth? Organic dog treats and doggy massage appointments maybe ;)
Oh I absolutely loved this. I kind of related more of this from my family of origin where I was the eldest of seven children. My mother was really strict with the first 4 and then chilled out a bit with the last 3.
Me? I have 4 kids and started out when I was only just 20. (I had my first baby 8 days after my 20th birthday) I think I did some things in the reverse order – was a lot more conscientious about hygiene etc with my last, but also a lot more relaxed with other things – such as what the 4th one ate and watched on TV.
I certainly got some laughs from this post! Thanks for sharing.
This made me laugh and laugh. Then I read it to my husband, and he laughed too. But I also realized that I sure have changed from first to second. But in the other direction. I was very laissez-faire with my first. I was sure that it would all work out, I was confident. I was impatient. I was tired and trying to fit my child into my old pre-baby life (not very successfully). When my second baby was four months old, my friend's baby died. He was only ten days younger then my second baby. His unexpected death has shaken me to the core, and introduced fear into my mothering. I break those cheerios in half now, when I never did before, I cut that shit into tiny pieces, because I am so afraid of something happening. My house is a disaster, because I hold my baby and hold my baby and I am grateful and afraid.
Loved this, so funny! It was different for me, I only have one set of twins, so #1 & #2 were simultaneous. Too bad, because baby #3, if there were to have been one? Would have seriously benefited from my being mellowed and seasoned by those twins.
First baby: took pre-pregnancy clothes to the hospital to wear home. Sent husband back to get me something I could actually get more than an ankle in.
Fifth baby: took a tent to wear home.
First child: lots of Barney and feel good stuff.
Fifth child: can kick ass at Call of Duty at age four.
First child: graduates in 20 days and I cry thinking about it.
Fifth child: graduates in 13 years and I wish he'd hurry up already.
You are awesomely funny and such a great writer. This was a stellar idea and so much fun. I, literally, could go on for days!
Yes. To all of it. Off the top of my head, I would add:
First baby: Potty trained at age two. Fifth baby: Still occasionally pees pants during the day (almost 7). SRSLY.
First baby: Stressed about teaching her to read around age 4. Fifth baby: School is stressed because he is not a "strong reader" at the end of fifth grade. I am not ONE BIT concerned, as I am pretty sure he will grasp the concept before he leaves for college.
I. love. this. ]
People who stop at one or two children are truly missing out on the joy of motherhood–letting go!
I am friends with a mom of one three-year-old. She looks at me like I'm a degenerate parent, and I think, yeah. I parented my first just like you. And now I have the experience and the exhaustion to know that when the Cuddle Bear eats sticks and bird seed and that grass that smells like onions, all that's going to happen is she's going to have a really big poop.
This is great…having only had twins, I'm pretty sure I went through the first baby stage and the fourth baby stage with the same kids…you just get sick of the annoying crap! The Crazies are going to be freaking confused!!!
Oh, and I'm never going to tell them who was born first…keep them guessing.
Geez…it's like they're my own little science experiment.
I love this. I love you. You forgot to add cutting out caffeine during the first pregnancy and then needing an i.v drip full of Starbucks to get yourself through three o'clock without killing one of them!
Ha Ha! I wish I could say I had that difference spread over 4 children…Sadly mine happened over two and then morphed into a strange sense of "oh boy are you slow" over my sisters as they started having their babies. I actually laughed when #3 was horrified that her baby had rolled off the couch.
I can relate to every.single.one of your examples – and I only have 2 kids!
I was so hung up on doing everything "perfect" or by the book with my first son. And, he's great, but CLEARLY has his own mind, so I'm not so sure the homemade babyfood and no tv time made any sort of difference.
My second son is a laid-back, sweet-tempered doll baby who gets way dirtier than my oldest did, eats boxed foods, plays with age-inappropriate toys and enjoys a much more relaxed household.
I'm kind of afraid to see how much farther things will slide if I have a third!
Love it. Great laugh for my morning. The little one is getting fitted for a helmet this week (flat spot from sleeping in the same position for the first 5 months) and I think I would have FREAKED if it had been my first. Instead, i'm obsessing over the kick ass paint job i'm going to do to that bad boy :)
Lauren V
so funny! I cannot anawer this as I only have one, but now that he is offically into the terrible two's and we are thinking about baby number two, I can TOTALLY see this will be me!
When I'm at the park and one of my kids gets hurt, I glance over at the horrified, judgmental mommies, shrug and say, "It's OK. I have spares." Then I send one of the big kids to check on the little kid.
This is AWESOME! and so true! My fourth kid is much tougher than my first…
BWAHAHAHAHA. Yes, this. Although, admittedly, I was never super anal about my first. Except with the pregnancy stuff. The pregnancy stuff is so me.
Now the biggest thing is i keep forgetting well visits. With the first I was terrified because THE DOCTOR DOES NOT CHECK HIM ENOUGH!!! WHAT IF I SCREW HIM UP??? SHE NEEDS TO SEE HIM EVERY MONTH!!! Now it's more like WHY DO I HAVE TO BRING HIM IN??? HE'S FINE!!! I HAVE THINGS TO DOOOOO.
I brought #3 in for his 18 month well check last week and they were all, 'you realize you haven't been here since he was 6mo old, right?'
actually, no… i had no idea.
also… kid #1 – hospital bag was packed at 20 weeks. kid #3 – no hospital bag. asked hubs to bring me some clothes and when i tried to get dressed, i realized he brought me prepregnancy clothes. i think he did it on purpose bc he was pissed that i was totally unprepared.
I'm on baby number 2. I've definitely learned to be more flexible. Mostly I'm just grateful that baby number 2 isn't as hard as baby one 1. I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my mind if they came in the opposite order.
how about baby #1 the diaper bag contains more first aid items, baby products, food and clothing than the local wal-mart!?
Baby #6 is LUCKY if we remember to grab a diaper on the way out the door :)
Baby#1 was exclusively nursed until age 1 and then was only given ORGANIC baby food until age 3.(can I just add in that this is my now 23 year old who has done MORE than his share experimenting with drugs…glad I paid the big bucks to keep chemicals out of his system)
Baby #6 has been known to have gatorade in his bottle and even (gasp) sweet tea..I know I KNOW it's awful but he was screaming..and it was hot…ya had to be there!
Baby #1 went 1/2 day to preschool so he could "socialize" and have friends
Baby #6 will go so I can socialize and have friends!
Baby #1 had HUGE birthday parties
once…we told baby #5 that it was a leap year and that he didn't have a birthday until the NEXT year. ROFL yes…doomed to hell for that I'm sure…..
This is so flippin funny! And the bath thing – you are so right. The only thing I like about winter is they need less of those. (This summer I might just hose them off outside, like the dog.)
Oh man. I remember when I thought I could parent my first born as if he weren't the first born. Now I just shake my head at my early idiocy.
What terrible parents we all are! ;) When we wouldn't let our youngest play select soccer last year, I told everyone who asked — and him — that we couldn't do it because he's a third child, so we clearly love him less.
Yeah, the other two are old enough now to leave at home for long stretches at a time, so we've taken the select soccer plunge.
As the mother of four sons, I completely relate!
If you were to follow me for a day, i bet you might be disturbed at how many times I say, "Where is the baby?".
So freaking funny! I love it! Only have 2 and was never that narotic, but totally get it.
I love this…thanks for the laugh…I needed it.
Spot on girl.
Is that strawberry thing true b/c i've been feeding my twins strawberries since 4 months?
LOVE THIS POST!!!!
I had younger siblings, (my little sister is 15 years younger than me) so it wasn't quite this bad but I do know with the twins I'm like "Please sit down and shut up you are making me want to drive off the bridge!!!! ARGGGGG!!!"
My friend just linked me to you and I have to say that I'm 20 weeks preggo with my fourth and just yesterday I had to explain that I didn't care if my son was sad because I yelled at him because it makes me sad that he doesn't listen to me. We didn't process this, we didn't take a time out. It's survival. Now I need to go and throw up. :)
This post was so funny! This was so me. I was afraid of everything the first time around. Arlington didn't even get a skinned knee until she was almost 2. And that was tragic. Her "beautiful skin!" Now – with 3? Please – I am lucky they are all alive.
I only have two, but I've let go of a lot of things. Life is sooooo much better :)
I was a nanny before I was a parent, so I freaked out with other people's kids and was a bit more mellow by the time I had my first. But when you start mellow with the first? By the fourth, people think you're nuts. Actual conversation with a friend: "You don't really lock him in his bedroom at night do you?" "Sure I do. I mean, I unlock it before I go to bed. So there's that."
This was great! I can echo so many of these things too. My admission: Baby #1 – cute little, brand name coordinated outfits worn one, sized perfectly.
Baby #3 – It's not that stained and his belly looks ADORBALE sticking out from the too small shirt!
Baby#1 – fruit and oatmeal for breakfast
Baby #2 – cereal bar for breakfast
Baby #3 – I haven't had coffee yet, leave me alone!
Thanks for the smiles this morning!
I can sum it up in three simple sayings for you.
1st: Oh darling, we don't do that do we?
2nd: Baby girl, mama said NO.
3rd: DUDE I SAID KNOCK IT THE HECK OFF NOW!!!!!
Ahem. Not just you friend. Not just you. I will also admit to giggling at new first time moms with their lofty ideas about child-rearing.
Were there in between stages for 2nd and 3rd kids? Cuz I'm pretty sure I went right to your 4th kid behavior with the 2nd kid. is that bad?
oh hells yes. i am copying part of this and pasting it to my FB. awesome job Stacey xo
I don't have any kids yet….but growing up I distinctly remember that any acticity counted as a bath. In fact, I think my Mom made it sounds like some really cool reward so we would do it…"Why don't you go outside and play in the sprinkler…then you don't have to take a bath! (said with glee)" :)
Baby #1: Diaper bag stocked and ready to go any time we leave the house.
Baby #4: Pull two-week old bottle crusted with Cheerio crumbs out of unemptied diaper bag. Notice that wipes were left open and have all dried up. Decide to toss a couple of diapers in the car and hope for the best–wet paper towels are as good as baby wipes, right?
Every bit of it, so true.
My partner laughs out loud at how much I've changed from my first to my third. With my first: Pacifier must be sterilized each time it hits the floor. With my third: I look at it closely, suck on it a few times and then back into the baby's mouth.
I'm a lot more relaxed with my third. I actually tell people that they should have more than one or hell even three because it feels easier. I mean the struggles and demands are crazy and the circus noise is ridic, but I am easier.
I breathe easier, I laugh more, I cry less, I yell a bit (and they look like me as if I've lost my mind) I shrug my shoulders and say "Oh well. So much for that bedtime schedule. Let's watch some TV" more and I am less stressed.
I think a commenter before me put it best: It's about letting go.
Oh girl, the list goes on doesn't it? By the third child all bets are off. A lady offered to STERILIZE K's pacifier the other day after it fell on the floor at a restaurant. I put out my hand and after she gave it back to me I stuck it right back in mouth and said "Third child". We LIVE by the 5 second rule. he he.
Great post!! :D
I'm fainting from hunger on this stupidass diet, but still put off fixing lunch until I could read every word. That's how good you are, Stace. You could sell this stuff to a stand-up comic. I would say you could go on the road with it yourself, but you'd have to drag all those kids along. ;-)
Response to the question, "When are you due?"
1st child) "July 16th, but then they changed it to July 11th – which is our anniversary, isn't that just so wonderful???"
2nd child) "Second week in January."
3rd child) "Sometime in October?"
LOVE your blog, Stacey! You make me laugh! :)
Bahahaha! I only have 2 and noticed the big difference. My poor youngest – I'm more patient about some things because I don't have the energy to care but in general she gets second hand everything.
I read your blog all of the time and I have NEVER laughed so hard as I did at this post! I am at work…and my co-worker from the office next to mine had to come check on me because she thought I was choking to death. You made my day!
Awesomeness!
first baby: "did you get the extra diapers (like 3 packs worth) and organic package of biodegradable wipes and the three changes of color coordinating clothes i left on the bed and the stroller, extra blankets, playpen, moses basket, swing, bouncy seat, and bpa free toys from the dishwasher and the pacifiers (not that one, she doesn't like that one)and the burpy rags and the sun hat, knit cap and rain sheet cuz it might rain today…"
Third baby in three years – shit, wheres the baby!
1st Baby: I don't want my baby to use a pacifier. I will soothe him, gently, in my arms… for hours if necessary. He doesn't need a pacifier – plus it might ruin his teeth. And, mom, I don't mind him sucking his thumb. It looks so adorable!
4th Child: What do you mean you don't want a binky? Soothe yourself with the damn binky! Take it! Take it! I need my hands free! And, you! First kid! You're FOURTEEN dagumit! STOP! SUCKING! YOUR! DAMN! THUMB! ALREADY!
This is why the younger kids are more well rounded and the first ones typically neurotic…..Mine are the same. I laugh just thinking about that first one…21+ years ago! whoa. First baby boy I had adorable pjs and read him books and sang next to him in bed for bedtimes…..And this baby, the 4 yr old? He sleeps in whatever he's wearing, bc it's too much of a battle to get him into pj's and I'm so tired that I know that it doesn't matter a whit what they sleep in, as long as they GO TO SLEEP!
Yup, sounds about right. LOL
It is so sad how TRUE this is!! G is very much my first baby; "AHHHH!!! DON'T GIVE HER THE GRAPES!!!"
First baby: Must read every single pregnancy book. Prepare for the worst. Worry, worry, worry about labor. Pack a huge bag for the birth.
Second baby: Read a book? What for? Hospital bag? What for? I'm an amazing birthing effing machine and this dude is going to be born in my room.
Oh wow. I was nodding the entire time I read this! Great post! I remember when my sister didn't have any kids yet. She always looked at me like I was crazy.
First baby: Has an hour nap in the early morning and a 2 hour nap in the late after noon. Definitely don't let him sleep any where but in his crib for nap time. (DEFINITELY NOT THE CAR SEAT OR SWING!)
Third baby: Sleep when you can child… If you have to do it in the baby swing because you wake up any where else because your older brothers are so loud then so be it.
First baby: Here, let me wash your hands off with this wet washcloth.
Third baby: Go ahead and wipe your hands off on my pant leg. I need to do laundry anyway…
I loved this. Of course this has happened to me with only two children. I shudder to think how it would be with 4. "Oh your juggling knives. Just remember to put them back in the drawer when you are done."
I only have one child — I figured after 9 miscarriages, when I finally had Nick I wasn't going to push the envelope. So I admit I was a helicopter parent the first couple of years and then I realized I was so going to fuck him up. I just knew it. So I made this pretty cool therapy bucket and every time I traumatize him I give him a buck to throw in the bucket. So when he's 18 he has the dough to seek therapy:)
hahahahaha.
I slay myself sometimes.
Amy you are just an awesome mom and too cool for school. Are you all done or are you going to have another baby?
I thought it was just me!
To take it another generation, when my grandson was born, I pleaded for my first opportunity to keep him overnight, which didn't happen till he was almost two.
Now I have a standing rule that they have to be potty trained before they can stay over at Grandma's.
Which I never manage to keep because I'm such a sucker.
Loved this and shared with friends on facebook. Now we need one on comparing newlyweds to years later married with 4 kids.
Absolutely love it! I so needed this laugh tonight!
Ha! I loved this. And I think I must bew an over achiever b/c I advanced from first baby to fourth w/ just two babies!
My family thinks I'm nuts when I laugh so loud & hard by myself!
When our 4th wasn't walking til nearly 14 mos I was just pleased that I knew he was right where I left him. If that had happened with our 1st, I'd have been at Mayo Clinic!
Thank you for my laugh of the evening! I have to say I feel sorry for my number 1, I think I started as a mom to number 4 :-)
Shanna
I'm the middle normal child. Kinda guessing you might be the first child (read:OCD child). :-) lol
Howling with laughter. This is SPOT ON. It should be mandatory reading for all mothers. Well done!!
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I kept thinking I would have more so I kinda treated the first two okay. But I see now that I could have relaxed more with that second one. dammit..
I feel so validated now for totally breaking the cheerios in half for my first child. (I no longer do it for her now that she is eight)
Just is case you couldn't hear me tell you today while you were up to your ears in mini van, four children and a front seat passenger made of coats and lunches and hand-painted boxes, I thought this was an awesome post!
I can totally relate to this. Im the oldest out of my siblings, except with my other it was I got punished for every little goodnessforsaken thing, and the baby gets away with murder lol
Uh, yeah. There's probably a reason I only have ONE, because I skipped straight to the "fourth baby" parenting style. If I had a second child, it would become a serial killer for sure.
I am dying.
Seriously, tears are streaming down my face.
I so love this.
We're trying for our third and I can't wait to see just how lax I am with this next one.
It's really all about survival when you have more than one.
I'm off to Stumble your post! :)
I HEART YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So damn true.
You should have seen the ridiculous lists and instructions I left when I went to have #2, leaving #1 at home with my mom and sister. I mean, I even detailed exactly what snacks to feed number one and at what time. I look back on that now and laugh, of course.
This time, I'm pretty sure I'll leave absolutely no "instructions" and I'm certain I won't know what the word "schedule" means.
heh.
And once more I don't have time to read everyone's comments, but I'm sure I'll be echoing at least 25 of them when I say that you are brilliant and this made me laugh out loud. I only have two and I still related to a ton of this. I think the biggest way that I have changed is that I no longer enjoy hanging out with parents of one oh-so-perfect kid. They don't know half as much as they think they do, and they irritate me about ten times as much as they used to.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Very funny! Very true! They way I acted with my first son, it's a wonder people tolerated me, and no wonder he still acts like the chosen one! I wrote a post recently about how sickening (of course in hindsight), all that attachment parenting was!
HAAA. So totally true.
My first one is the only one with a baby book.
My first never missed one Dr. appt on the exact right date for five years.
My last three never go for well baby check ups and barely go for sick appointments because – it'll pass, right?!?!?!
Cake for breakfast for #7? Yes. If I can sleep while you eat cake. Yes.
HAAA. So totally true.
My first one is the only one with a baby book.
My first never missed one Dr. appt on the exact right date for five years.
My last three never go for well baby check ups and barely go for sick appointments because – it'll pass, right?!?!?!
Cake for breakfast for #7? Yes. If I can sleep while you eat cake. Yes.
This is awesome! Happy moms day.
OMG, you are ME!!! Here's the story I always tell about my kids dropping their pacifiers or whatever else was going in their mouths. #1 I would absolutely sterilize first before giving it back. #2 I would wash it with soap and water, and then give it back. #3 I wipe it with the bottom of my shirt and give it back.
Thank You!! Funniest and truest poss I have ever read!! I have 3 boys and it is all about survival. My parenting style has changed for the better I am less stressed about the little stuff! No matter how you raise them they become who they are going to be regardless. Why stress, look at our childhoods and we turned out fine….welll some of us did LOL! =) Great blog also. I am your newest follower! I am going to share this on my blogs and facebook etc.
You are an inspiration!!! Love it!!!!