This is a bloggity post about bloggers and blogging. I don’t know why I’m weighing in, I usually don’t. The more I thought about this issue and how it comes up in blogland from time to time (but especially in this conference season), the more I realized that, of course, it’s also a life-ity lifelike post about living. Skip at will, see you on the back side.
I’ve written posts that I love to which no one responded.
I’ve read posts that I love and failed to respond.
I’ve seen projects come together on line and wished with all my heart that I’d been included.
I’ve asked to be included in projects that I am thrilled every day to be a part of.
I’ve had panel proposals for conferences rejected.
I’ve failed to propose really good ideas for fear of being rejected.
I’ve been taken off of a “big” blogger’s sidebar without explanation.
I realized I hadn’t carefully read the blog or commented in over a year.
I don’t even have a blogroll.
I’ve felt hurt that I wasn’t invited to a party.
I’ve held parties and been unable to invite everyone.
I unintentionally hurt a friend of ten years on facebook.
I’ve been unnecessarily unpleasant on twitter. Once. I regret it.
No amount of regret will change the fact that some people only know me through that behavior.
I’ve been unfollowed on twitter.
I’ve been really, really supportive on twitter and on my blog.
I try.
I’ve felt lonely at BlogHer.
I’ve felt incredibly included at BlogHer.
I’ve been sad at the lack of response to an email.
I’ve failed to respond to emails.
I’ve lost out on deepening friendships made online because I hate to talk on the phone.
I’ve lost touch with incredibly dear friends met all over the world because I hate to talk on the phone.
I hate to talk on the phone.
I’ve stopped commenting on a blog even though I read it every day.
I’ve lost track of bloggers I love because of a problem with their feed.
I’m lazy and computer issues irritate me.
I have limited time on-line.
I’ve wondered why someone has stopped commenting here or never responds to my comments.
I’ve lain awake at 3:00 a.m. worrying about the fact that I haven’t responded to comments.
I’ve lain awake at 3:00 a.m. worrying about the fact that I probably ought to worry about playing with my children instead of blogging.
I play with my children, okay, quit judging me.
I’ve been the mom at Kindergarten pick up that feels like all the other moms are friends and have playdates and carpool except for me.
I’ve been the mom at preschool who is friends with so many moms that she doesn’t get a chance to talk to everyone.
I’ve cried and lost sleep when someone hurt my feelings.
I’ve told myself that there is no doubt that someone else in the world has cried and lost sleep when I’ve hurt their feelings.
I’ve driven my husband almost to spousicide working out my hurt feelings. I’ve realized it’s mostly my own shit.
I’d never make someone feel that way on purpose.
I don’t think very many people in this world would make me feel that way on purpose.
I’ve picked up on someone else’s pain and been there for them.
I’ve failed to pick up on someone else’s pain.
I’ve felt angry and disappointed that someone failed to pick up on my pain.
I’ve yelled at people I love.
I’ve been yelled at and it feels crappy.
My neighbor has told me to fuck off.
I’m not in general a person at whom others swear. I didn’t sleep that night.
I’ve never told anyone to “fuck off.” To their face.
I’ve asked someone who is having trouble getting pregnant if they want any more kids.
I’ve been asked in the last two months if we’re going to have any more kids.
I don’t know, do you see what I see? I don’t think blogging is petty or “cliquey” or fraught with horrible, mean people. Blogging is relating to and interacting with people, which is really hard. Rewarding and joyful and hard. Bloggers are people. And people are complicated. People suck sometimes. I suck sometimes. The mantra that I try (and sometimes fail) to keep in my head is benefit of the doubt. Our entire legal system is based on it. Lives are spared or lost by it. We need to give ourselves – and others – the benefit of the doubt.
(Postscript: Snarky vent-bitching to your closest friends or husband completely excluded. Of course. Wasn’t that one of the ten commandments? Thou shalt be allowed two to three friends and one significant other for confidential snarky vent-bitching. Bolt of lightening.)
Isn't it good to remember those things. It certainly makes me feel better.
Well said.
If any of us were perfect we wouldn't be able to stand eachother. We love you Stacey. Well done.
I could not agree with you more.
If there's something swirling in the blogosphere about this currently, I've missed it because I've been a little absent. But also because I've started to care a whole lot less about the snippy little parts of it.
The "She said/did what?!?" parts.
The parts where we forget that the other person likely has a story we know nothing, or next-to-nothing, about (like your recent post about that little girl whose behaviour was more understandable after learning about her home life) and we're not seeing the whole picture.
The parts where there will always be people, no matter the medium, who will get off on making someone else feel small or bad or just…less.
Perspective is key, and I have to ignore (or try to ignore) all that if I'm going to be a good friend to the people who give that same consideration back to me.
By the way, I love you enormously.
Been there done that… to just about everything you said!
What a great post! Loved it.
@BriannEm It is. And when you lay it all out like that, it ends up just feeling really human.
@sandra xo
@aubrey Aw, I love this space and the people who come here, truly.
@maura A completely mutual love, my dear, and yes we all forget in so many contexts.
@sandi Thanks, soulsister, and speaking of owing emails, I'm half done with mine to you ;-)
@christy Kisses and hugs, I had trouble hitting publish.
If I read your list again, I will start to cry.
You are so funny and encouraging and Human, that you make me smile, cry, understand things all the time.
I live in a world where I have no girlfriends. Only the husband and the dog.
I have no real friends here, they are all nice to us and kind but no more.
I bond with people easily but as easily someone can say the wrong thing , hurt me in some way, whether meant to or not, and they are cut out of my life surgically, coldly with no looking back.
My philosophy about that is that my life is getting shorter, my time is more valuable and I should be considered a treat, not a handy whipping boy or dullard who has no feelings …
so …
I try very hard to keep up with the world of blogging but no one told me how. I stumble along and read everyone and follow their ( your) examples.
But the truth is .. it is not a test and if you get something wrong one day or two, you should not feel like you failed and no one should hold it against you. Life is like that… most days you get it all right and some days nothing works.
So fekking what ?
You are a fabulous mom, wife and human being and I will sic my 11 year old gentle as a lamb dog on anyone who makes you feel less than that.
love you.
C
Its all so true and just life. Great to reminded of you can be on eachside of things.
Spousicide made me giggle, I hate talking on the phone and use the fact that up until last month we had no reception up on this mountain we live on as an excuse to not call people. I don't know what I'll do when people find out we magically have 3G all of a sudden. You, your emails, and your blog has really helped me these last 3 months, and I will always be grateful for that.
Thank you.
I've been reading your blog for a long time but haven't commented before. I'm just beginning the journey from a lurker to a blogger and am puzzled by these minefields. Thanks for mentioning "The Benefit of the Doubt".
is it lain or laid or was that not the purpose of this post?
I've been so fortunate, so super fortunate with the people that I've met through blogging, but I've also seen some things that are unseemly and people acting badly.
Overall, it's been an awesome experience and you were my very first blogging friend. Why didn't we get matching bracelets?!
@Marinka – I think because you were too embarrassed by my grammar?! I actually thought about our email exchange on possessives as I struggled with whether to look of "lain" and "laid" and then didn't.
LAZY. xo.
@queenmahin Blogging is a funny world with its own quirks, but mostly I've found it's just lovely people writing.
@amelia – xo. thank you.
@leah – It's easy to forget, but most of us have been on both sides. Unfortunately.
@aBroad – well hell, I'm going to email you. xo.
So…anyone? Is it laid? I'm changing it. Marinka knows these things.
Webster has both laid and lain. Completely unhelpful.
just for the record … if i don't comment on here … it's because i'm secretly reading at work at it won't let me click on through and then i get home and well … we all know what that's like.
and also just for the record … everytime you comment on my posts i feel so incredibly privilaged that you read it. so thank you …
excellent post! I think too often silence says things that never were meant. And in the end we're all human, taking it one day at a time. Thanks, love your blog.
I really enjoyed reading this post, since it was a nice reminder that life tends to even things out over time. I don't always take the time to comment when I should, especially on blogs like yours that have larger followings. I guess I think that mine won't be missed, but then I remember how thrilled I am to get comments.
Your posts are well-written and thoughtful, even (or especially!) when you are writing about your huge dog or your hatred of crafts.
@jen Well, just for the record, I read all of your posts (I read a lot of you religiously), but I am terrible for staying in my reader & not clicking through to comment. xo.
@smiling I agree, silence says many things we never, never intended.
@linda Ha! I haven't done a hated craft post in a while. It's funny that I do the same – I just read and don't comment on blogs that I feel have larger followings, I always think, oh they're buried in comments. I never thought of myself that way, but I read every single comment with excitement and glee, so I don't know why I wouldn't assume the same of others!
I feel like you just described me….and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Blogging, email and social networks are a tricky thing to navigate. Since I'm naturally very sarcastic I always (unsuccessfully usually) try to remember that without facial expression and tone of voice the written word leaves much more to interpretation!
It seems like this was brought on by something specific….about which I am clueless. I can't decide if I feel left out or not.
Last week I could not stop Snarky Deb from jumping into a political fracas online, and I think my passion was mistaken for rudeness. I was unfollowed on Twitter and taken off a blogroll, and even though I apologized, I still feel badly, like my words are floating around out there, offending people who don't even know me….
Plus also, I use too many commas.
This is a great post! Love it. :) And I hate to talk on the phone too.
Thank you. I've been sitting on an email from a friend who has really hurt my feelings because I'm afraid that if I reply to it, I'll hurt hers back. And because I want to hurt hers back because I'm hurt and angry, but if I do then I'll regret it.
But you are so right: I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Once I can do that, I'll write something that may make us both feel better. Or it won't, but at least then I can move on.
And thank the good Lord for giving me best friends and spouse for confidential vent-bitching. I don't know what I'd do without it.
Nearly everything on your list applies to me. Well, my neighbors have never told me to fuck off, but once an old roommate wrote "Last one, bitch" in a rent check to me. That was memorable.
I read tons of blogs that I never comment on, even when I really love the posts, just because I usually have a kid jumping on my back and haven't poured my coffee yet and I can't form a coherent thought. Which is dumb because I covet comments! Actually when you have commented on my blog, I have even thought, "Oh dear, someone FAMOUS read my blog and had something to say about it." LOL
I have stopped reading a blog that was very important to me because I cannot for the life of me get it to show up on my blogger dashboard…..and then I wonder why she never comments (or probably even reads) on my blog. DUH.
It's so easy to feel "left out" in blogland–and in life. It's nice to remember that we're all human and faulty and in this together.
You always say it so well. And no, it won't hurt my feelings if you don't respond to my comment :)
Oh, and there is nothing more excruciating than talking on the phone. oh, the humanity.
Such good reminders, thank you.
Yes. To all of this. Just yes.
Oh and I love you.
yes, absolutely.
i just typed a really long thing here, then deleted it. basically, i am really flaky with emails, phone calls, blog comments, facebook birthday wishes, twitter replies, evite responses, you name it. i generally don't open my computer until the kids are all in bed, and my gosh, there are so many blogs and facebook birthdays and evites. and i like everyone and i don't want to hurt any feelings. i am just fried.
@Sadie – Tone is so hard to convey in writing. I've seen it cause some painful misunderstandings.
@Deb – I love commas. Truly nothing specific. A few weeks ago there was a run of posts about blogging and hurt feelings and I thought about those a bit, plus a few instances over time where I've had my own feeling hurt and realized that I was being a bit sensitive, perhaps.
@Jessica – Good luck with that email. I rarely do it, but I always prefer my reaction to things like that when I wait to respond.
@thewonderfulhappens – It really is easy to feel left out and so hard to remember how often you are "let in." Memorable, that is exactly how I would describe the "eff you" incident. A memory I would prefer not to repeat!!
@swonderful – Fried. Yes. Sometimes, I lay on my couch and stare at reality TV instead. I'm productive like that.
Stacey, I can very much relate to this in blogging, and in daily life. Oh how I can relate.
I also HATE the phone.
I loathe the phone, and I love this list. Also, I love what you do here. Sometimes I put that sentiment out into the wind and hope it drifts your way when I'm unable to comment. You have a beautiful way with this.
I love your writing. You're just a human being, and that's beautiful.
YES.
I love this post. and hate the phone. and hate hurting feelings. and sometimes that makes me shallow because I don't say what I mean. it's just so hard to find a balance. thanks for sharing!
We all suck at times. And it's okay! Loved reading this.
Yes.yes.yes.yes. As it goes in Blog-land it goes in life too. *I always snicker when someone says 'confidential' or 'between you and me' because I really believe we all have 'someone' who we can trust and vent/bitch and share. Have a great day. BTW- I love when you throw me an e-mail… but I have NEVER lost sleep wondering why I haven't heard from you regarding a comment. So please – email when you can or feel moved – but never lose sleep over me… sleep is too precious. :-)
Yes, yes, and hell yes! I'm sure we've all been guilty of this and more. Love this post.
Love this. And realized I've probably never commented on your blog! So here I am! Right now I'm doing very little online participation, even though I'm generally reading. just because I'm so unbelievably swamped with life.
Your neighbor said fu to you? Wow, now that's impressive. Would love to hear that story someday.
LAIN …
If you LAY the bottle down, it is Laid.
If You LIE down, it is LAIN..
besitos
Encore Encore MuthaCluckin Encore.
I can never tell you enough how I admire you and adore you. And how your intellect still intimidates me, but I'm working on it.
i love you more than you know.
and respect you ten times MORE.
What? YOU are ME??
So, very well said! (Also, I think it's lied.)
I want to have something really great to say, but as usual I don't. I am so inspired by your writing, it makes me want to let down some walls.
Lucia
I love this post. I don't blog but I (try to) keep up with (some) blogs. I ALWAYS love your posts (and you!) but have been terrible about commenting in the last several (ok, twelve-ish) months. (I also would never tell you to eff off so there's that).
xoxo
You reached inside my brain (and my heart) and spilled it all over your bloggy page. That is so rude.
I've been rude.
I'm unsure about this tit for tat thing, since it's obviously unintentional. Usually. But I did love your post. A whole lot.
I would like to print this and frame it and keep it right by me when I'm blogging. For real.
I identify with every single bit of it (except that I've never been to a conference, yet).
You really nailed it, and I appreciate the way you showed different view points. So much of our pain comes from totally unintentional slights, but it's hard to see that when you're hurting.
I love you.
The End.
xox
Without sounding cliche …
DITTO. and DOUBLE DITTO.
xx
This is a very well written post. We are all human. We err. We mess up. In the end, we all need each other. And sometimes we need each other most when we are feeling and/or acting the most unloveable.
I love this post.
Thank you for this post! I've been feeling many of these things lately, and it's nice to hear someone else say(type) them out loud! Very well said!
Blogging is dumb. We should all quit.
Well written. I'm there too. I should comment, I don't and I feel bad. Or, I don't comment because of 50 other commenters and I feel I would be lost in the noise.
I like you and your blog.
I hate phones. I am pretty sure I've lost friends over my refusal to answer a phone.
I've told plenty of people to fuck off. I'm definitely sure I've lost friends over that one.
We all suck at one time or another, the important thing is to recognize that and try not to suck as much in the future.
I love blogging. I love comments (as few as there are) and I love bloggers. I love reading and being read. I love my blogger friends. I hate that blogging sucks so much of my time that I should be doing other things. I'm at the point where I can't live without it, but wish I'd never done it.
I always read your blog first when there are new posts. You are the best!
LOVE this post. It's perfect.
I completely agree.
When it comes to blogging you can't take much personally. I read blogs, but I can't always comment. Or something real life takes over and I can't blog at all for 3 days. We're all just doing the best we can do.
What a fantastic list…i think we should all do this occasionally. I mean, i can't since i've lost my memory, but everybody else should.
love this!
I've felt all of those, but mostly I feel pretty out of place. There aren't many dad-bloggers and those that are aren't as tight-knit as the moms appear to be. I'm relatively new so I'm still learning the in's and out's of the whole thing. Basically I feel like the freshman new to high school that doesn't quite fit in anywhere just yet. But I read and I comment and read some more anyway.
such is life, right? Well said. I read your blog almost everyday and I never comment.
No one ever comments on my blog except for my sister:)
I am so lucky to have those three friends and a significant other for the venting that you speak of- it is imperative!
And we love you – with all your complications and contradictions and adorable children who just happen to have foot fungus.
xo
Great post, friend!!
XOXO
Great post! I dropped out of the blogosphere for a while. We have had more illnesses this winter than I can handle, so I haven't commented in a while. I have checked in from time to time, and, as always, I love your blog. :)
This blog post matches your title perfectly.
Sometimes I feel like a stalker on blogs (certainly yours, sorry!).
Sometimes I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said or said better than I know how.
I feel left out but I also leave others out.
I like to say the serenity prayer even though I don't belong to AA.
Thanks for writing this all down!
Jennifer
LOVE this. :)
(and ironically I waited to comment until today though I read it yesterday because yesterday I was on my iPod reading off my reader and it's really annoying to comment on the iPod, takes to many clicks to get to the comment screen and then half the time it doesn't post when I do type it all out – lol)
I think where we sometimes go astray (whether it's blogging or just life in general) is in our expectations – of our friendships and what we're going to get out of them, what we expect when we send a blog post out into the universe. I have very few expectations – this is neither good nor bad, but it does help in the blogging world because although I love comments, I have no expectation that anyone other than my Mum is reading my words or looking at my photos. So when anyone does, it's a happy-dance bonus.
This is the best post I have ever read. I want to print it out and put it on my fridge. Nice work!!
This post made me feel very not alone.
Ditto. I've felt/done all of these things and I HAVE told someone to fuck off. She started it and it felt good.
I am one of those never-commenting but (almost) always reading folks. And I just had to come out of hiding to say this is very well said.
With my husband, friends and family I try to remind myself that they are people that love me and that, if my feelings were hurt, it was probably not intentional.
On the days where I can get this thought in my head prior to getting emotional, I can have a good discussion about what is bugging me and, it turns out, I'm right – they love me and the hurt wasn't intentional.
With all other people, I try to remind myself that these people are not my husbands, my friends or my family. This means that whether the hurt was intentional or not, I shouldn't care in the least as these are not people that are significant in my life.
That said, I only manage to pull off being rational about 10% of the time. The rest of the time my feelings get hurt.
I'm a work in progress.
Great post :) Bloggy-land is interesting….I always say I don't blog for comments…but really, I like comments. It hurts my feelings when people don't comment. That said, you left a comment on my blog once, I was super excited :) Then, because of issues in our foster care case, I went private…no more comments :( Thank you for such a thoughtful post.
Gosh, I feel so late to the party. You said it girl, as you often do.
first time i've read your blog and am so happy i found it.
as always, i heart you.
"Blogging is relating to and interacting with people, which is really hard."
Absolutely. So many of those words you wrote could have come out of my brain. Thank you for articulating this and, in doing so, relating to me.
Peace.
I just wanted to say that I read every post and I never comment. So many other people have such deep insightful things to say I feel I cannot add to the discussion. But you add to my life everyday I have something new to read.
Someone told you to "fuck off?" That's not nice, but suddenly makes me want to throw it out there…poor Husband.
This post is awesome. We all do all of these things…good and bad. We're human…it's that simple.
Stacey~
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.Uummmmmm… ditto. Oh, ditto on THAT! Ah, hell. Ditto the whole thing!
I know for myself there is just too much that I NEED to read. Notice I said "need". I feel like I need to read it all. By the time I've read it all I'm so emotionally spent, I don't have anything left to comment with. I comfort myself knowing that I am one more person spending energy and taking a moment to absorbe the words, emotions and stories. A witness. I often find myself discussing what I've read, later on.It's not much, but it's all I can contribute, most days.
Bottom line? I love you, I read you religiously and you would be embarrassed to know how frequently I find you in my thoughts. Always surrounded in light, cradled in love, orbiting my heart. Sharing your burden.
So honored to say I know you and you are a small part of my life.
Long time reading, cherry-popping comment.
I agree with you and I agree with everybody else except that guy with the backpack. What on *earth* was he thinking?
That backpacking guy. He just likes to mess with your mind. Plus, his blog broke and it drove him certifiably insane the other day.
Great post!! i enjoy reading it,everybody been there in that situation..
just enjoy life to the fullest..
Oh, this post just makes me feel a little more sane right now.
New reader here. So glad I followed the link a fb friend posted. I'm not a blogger(yet) but I still got a lot out of this post. I think we all need a little reminder every now and then that we are all just human and most of us are truly doing the best that we can.
Yup. And oh, do I hate to talk on the phone, too!
Yep, yep, yep.
Well said.
Great post. Thank you!
What a great post! Sometimes it's hard to remember that there are people behind their words who probably feel just like we do. Love this!
I wanted to comment on this yesterday. But I can't remember if I did. So, I'm doing it now:
This is Awesome McAwsersome with awesome sauce on top. I LOVE this post.
I think you should add a poll on your side bar….I'm curious if most bloggers have issues with talking on the phone.
I'm terrified of being the outcast Mom at Kindergarten. I'm making my husband buy me an expensive purse so that people will like me.
I'm likely crazy.
I love you. That is all.
You wrote what I think and feel so much of the time. I'm not alone. Thank you.
Been there. Done that.
Will do it all, again.
Because we are just folks, at the end of the day. And we all have to walk through our days and our lives with "forgiveness" – mostly given, gratefully taken (hopefully), and salted with "benefit of the doubt." Without that, I don't see how anyone gets out of bed in the morning.
At least, I surely can't.
I just really really loved this. So that's what I'm going to say about it.
xo
I love this list, and so much of it pertains to "real-life" relationships too. I hate talking on the phone too… and even moreso in Spanish, though I love Spanish.
There are two verbs:
Lie (as in recline): lie–lay–lain (present, past, past participle)
and Lay (as in place something somewhere): Lay–laid–laid
I don't think many people, including myself, use them correctly in spoken contexts, and I am of the firm belief that it doesn't really matter–people speak how they speak, which is totally valid from a linguistic standpoint ;-) (plus a bunch of crackpots at some point just invented a bunch of English rules)
…and now I am wondering about the phrase "get laid"… should it be "get lain" ? ;-)
I had to laugh as I read this post. I am a self confessed Blog Whore – love reading blogs – and sometimes if moved will comment. Its so funny, because recently, its started to irk me that I KNOW that people are reading my blog – but I don't know who they are… why it irks me I have no idea, because I didn't start blogging with the intent of having an audience… yet now I want to know who is reading my blog. oh we are funny things us humans aren't we?
AH! Is that why you don't call me? Because you don't like to talk on the phone? Honestly, that makes me feel better. I'm glad you wrote it. Seriously.
Also, I rarely respond to comments on my blog. I usually go to someone else's blog and comment there as my "response." Does that make sense? I know that some people really like the response back, though…
Absolutely love it. Every word of it. Very well said!
Oh, this post is why I adore you. Well, one of the many reasons. B/c this is exactly it! It's hard to find a balance and find the time to do everything. Ha. Like that happens.
I can never find all the time I want to comment on all the blogs that I want to.
I feel left out and like I'm looked at like I'm in a clique at the same time.
Oh I love this post! I'm notorious for reading and not commenting, and then getting upset when people don't comment on my posts. Vicious cycle.
Oh I love this post! I'm notorious for reading and not commenting, and then getting upset when people don't comment on my posts. Vicious cycle.
Neighbor wars, snarky moms, winters that last too long, wanting more but eating, having, meaning less–ego trips and genuiness– all nueral pathways and nueral pathologies knock at the same dooor– surmounting, escaping, embracing, and accepting that human frailty is our humanity.