As a parent, who doesn’t want to be more organized, more zen, more focused on what matters?
The recipe for success is simple. Get a dog. That’s right, a sweet, loving, endearing little friend that will be at your children’s side as they grow. He’ll train himself, I promise. You’ll reap the never-ending rewards of love and loyalty and sloppy wet slobber kisses.
But not just any dog. Get the biggest effing dog you can. Get a dog so big that people stop their cars to come up to your fence and feed him like the neighborhood pony. Make sure that full grown he can knock you down and pull baseboards out of your wall. Make him so big that your yard is a biological hazard zone of decomposing dog shit piles and your hard wood floors are so ruined that you just don’t care any more.
Finally, give up in absolute shock and frustration and pitch the dog out the front door every morning so that he can wallow in the mud-shit pit that used to be your front yard and revel in the carrots and sugar cubes that his adoring fans bring him. That is when he’s not barking at the very threatening, very scary trash can next door or begging to come in.
If you follow these steps carefully, you too can have a front door that looks like this.
And no one will ever, ever come to visit you because zombie werewolves from hell try to break into your house regularly.
Cardboard eating zombie werewolves from hell.
(Matt: Why do you let him DO that?
Me: Because he was quiet. I would let him gnaw on Nate if it kept him quiet for twenty minutes.
I wouldn’t. I’m just kidding. Well, maybe for ten minutes.)
Without visitors, when even the mailman and the UPS man shun you, your life will be quieter. Simpler. Serene.
Like mine.
Every day that I don’t kill Hampton Noodle is another day. BECAUSE HE’S BIGGER THAN I AM AND I CAN’T KILL HIM.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Seriously, whatever possessed you to get this dog? Did he eat the doorknob? What's happening there?
WOW…now, that's a door…how do you get in?
Is he going to get bigger?
Matt OWES you big time.
Oh my god Stacey. Remember when he was so tiny and all the kids kissed him and loved on him at school? Yeah.. I think your pony ate that puppy.
He reminds me of Pinkerton. I love me some Hampton Noodle.
Holy fuck. You need to get some bye bye doggie drugs and put them in the bickies. Honestly, I'm amazed you haven't divorced Matt. You can tell him I said that but don't give him my email address.
oh dear.
(giggle)
sorry.
Don't kill Hampton, kill Matt. It was his idea.
This pretty much cements my belief that if we ever get a dog (which: haaaa!!), it will be of the teeny-tiny purse dog variety. A Yorkie or something like that. Or really, any dog that doesn't have the muscle power to destroy my freaking house. Because, OMG.
You just made me laugh until I cried. Seriously. We got a pup a little before you did and he is such a handful. My fiance asks me the same kinds of questions when I report back that Porter is the reason for the holes in all of my jeans, he barked like a crazy man, ect. I just went back to work. He can't be trusted to be home alone because he would totally eat the whole house, walls and all. He is also a very spoiled doggie, so he goes to doggie daycare all day now. He comes homes sooo dirty, but so tired he sleeps all evening and even most of Saturday. I didnt think that was possible. I would rather not buy groceries than not send him to daycare. I think that he and Hampton Noodle together would be a perfect storm of puppy maddness. Sorry, that was more of a novel, than a comment :)
Shock and Awe.
Holy crap–after that, my kids are gonna have to settle for a pet rock.
Wow, isn't there a train he pull or something? Poor you, the only solace I can offer is one of my weekly awards which you can collect at my place.
This is a great post!
Oh holy hell. I thought you were exaggerating until I saw the picture of the front door. Now i think you're a saint.
Oh, honey. That door. That dog! It's a good thing you don't have any kids…oh, right. You have 17.
A picture is worth a million words. Holy stinky dog shit.
laughing at the 'shock and awe' comment
we have two large (not THAT large!) dogs. our garage door looks just like your front door. i get it!!!!
Couldn't you hire him out to a house demolition crew? At the least, it would keep him out of your hair during the day.
I don't know how you make it through the days.
Growing up we had some neighbors who had a great dane and their daughter (who was my age) would "walk" him every now and again and all you could see was her little head bobbing on the other side of his back. So funny.
This? Not so funny. That's one big pooch.
he's so cute!
we have three dogs. and four people. and one cat. in a two bedroom one bath.
we are stupid.
The real mircale is not the HN is alive, but that Matt is still alive. And married. To you. Still.
holy crap stacey.
Our big scary guard dog is scared of the wind, the heater and anything at all that goes bump in the night. I'm not sure about trash cans.
You must have patience in saintly proportions!
OMFG. That's all.
omfg. if you haven't read, or seen the movie, 'marley and me?' do so right now. you will relate…people really feed him? amazing
The woman who won't do crafts or let her children in the kitchen has an animal like that destroying the house? Hmmmm. You must really love Matt…A LOT…to allow this.
My Millie, after an hour outside, came in, left a runny shit on the carpet, stepped in it, ran all over the house leaving runny shit dog prints on everything including the couch. I want to kill her. I hate dogs. Anyone want three dogs? Or five kids? Or my husband? I think I'd like to live alone right now.
I'll get the wine and let's burn that door in the front yard. Sounds fun to me. Oh, wait, I'm a million miles away, but my friend Cristi who is in a town on the border of Idaho would love to. :)
That is SO funny I nearly peed my pants!
I mistakenly read this aloud to my husband moments after I told him that I want a Newfoundland puppy SOOO bad. Well, I guess I am not getting that puppy NOW!
Oh, your post made me laugh.
And I can SO relate!
Never. Nevernevernevernevernevernever. Never.
Omigod your door! I'm never having pets… We had several when I was growing up and they were all crazy. And it was our fault because we had no idea how to train dogs or own normal pets. I won't ruin another perfectly good animal. Or let one ruin my house. That's what my kids are for. They have taken my OCD tendencies down SEVERAL notches. A dog like yours might put me into a coma.
Holy crap…that is effing ridiculous!!!!
Every time Dog does something stupid around here or we have to pick up 12 million poopsicles, Husband and I look at each other and say, "never again…" and we mean it.
The only reason our door doesn't look like yours is that it is metal. The frame is similar but not as far up, and we have 3 dogs contributing to the ruin!
My daughter said that's the kind of horse/dog she needs for her trek across the country, instead of her little husky, but I don't think Hampton or she could carry enough dog food for him.
I'm not going to lie, I let him gnaw on the kid's toys because he was quiet and not trying to sit on my lap while he did it. However, he is a sweet dog that I do miss on occasion.
Grant
I'm sorry, but I had to laugh reading this, mostly because the image of you standing on the porch yelling, "Hampton Noodle!" tickles me to no end.
And I will never get a dog bigger than I am.
But think of all the wonderful blog fodder! Really, you should be thanking him!
I'll take that horse-dog any day over a rat-dog.
Well I guess and Up for you is that a big dog doens't live that long compared to a normal size dog. My 185 pound dog was awesome and didn't do all those naughty things, but my mom's dane cross does, he door looks like that, he also tore up some of the flooring and just goes crazy if you leave him inside, but of course you can't leave him outside because I live by you and its too cold since they don't ahve much hair, so either one person has to stay home with "the dog" or you take him in the car if you arne't goign to be gone too long, or you beg a neighbor to babysit him. I can tell you my dad is ready for him to be dead before next winter and he's only 3. Again 7-9 is about it for the big dogs.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Although might I suggest that you get him a saddle, and save yourself untold amounts of money teaching your children to ride by simply using him rather than a pony for their first few years? Also, you have my sympathy. Our dog once ate the legs of our kitchen table in irritation because we'd sprayed her down with flea spray — and she only weighed 80, so I can only imagine what Hampton Noodle is capable of eating…
I would totally kill him (and Matt). Just think, only a few more years until the kids can walk him, and clean up his shit, and remember to feed him, and…
I'm lying. They'll never do that.
Good lord…and he's just going to get bigger, isn't he?
Sorry, but he's adorable. Our BACK door looks like that from our two retrievers. There's no point in replacing it until we no longer have them and knowing me, once they die I'll go out and buy a puppy. : )
At least he only eats cardboard. I briefly considered posting a picture of the disaster area my dog made when she knocked over AND ATE THE CONTENTS of the diaper pail today, but I didn't want to gross anybody out.
Still. At least she's smaller than me, should I (finally) decide to murder her.
ohmygod. your door. is that seriously your door?
can you still keep people out with that door? i'm pretty sure people are scared to come in with a door like that because of what might possibly be behind it.
dude. your door.
Um, I don't suppose it would be helpful of me to suggest that the condition of the door, in particular, suggests that your dog needs a lot more exercise than he's getting? No? Do you have dog parks in your area? Might he be taken somewhere and allowed to run with other large dogs?
Our back door — well, it doesn't look like yours, but having one of our dogs leap up so he can look in the back window hasn't exactly done it any good. Rather than one 150 lb dog, we've got 2 75 lb dogs, so they do keep each other company and wear each other out, some (I also take them for long runs). Oh, and when we remodeled our house? Not directly relevant to these particular dogs of ours, but with years of dog experience under my belt I went ahead and had every floor that abuts an exterior door done with tile. It's not the dirt, it's the time when a desperate dogs decides he or she must. get. out. that I'll be grateful to have it.
Or you could invest in the jog-a-dog. I was going to invent this, but then I googled it and discovered someone already had. Another fortune ruined (or at least secured by someone other than me).
As you know, I have a large dog.
But he is part human so we don't have some of the same issues as you and Hampton Noodle.
Pup doesn't eat doors or boxes and we take him to a park, so there is none of that messy yard stuff going on.
I miss the puppiness sometimes but as in children, dogs are really easier when they are grown up and settle down.
I hope you two make it that far :D
I just saw "Starship Troopers" again the other day and… well, I'm pretty sure that dog is bigger than most of the things Casper Van Dien was fighting.
OMG!! Did your dog seriously do that to your front door?
He's really curbed your curb appeal, hasn't he?
But he is adorable.
My dog does the same thing. He is the destroyer of all things.
Laughed out loud at "zombie werewolves from hell." Too funny!
OMG this made me feel so much better! My 10.5 yr old beautiful, most wonderful dig I ever had died last spring. and even though my husband is being treated for stage 4 netastatic prostate cancer i insisted that we get a puppy(and i work fulltime outside of the house) – DISASTER!! She is lovely and sweet and totally hellish! her only saving grace is that she is under 50 lbs., but as my friend tells me all the time, i am her (the dog's) bitch. she has destroyed well over $2500 worth of "stuff" (cell phones, etc.)
hang in there… and keep writing!
Sledge hammer while he's asleep? Just kidding. We have one of those biological hazard zones of decomposing dog shit too. I think I'm just going to move.
Almost every single bingle day I shout out "WHY DO WE HAVE A DOG???"
Then my husband reminds me that I wanted the dog in the first place.
And then I say "and I'm also the one who wanted to get rid of her first."
Of course, I would be sad if she was shipped away…for a while…but wow is she GROSS and big and hairy and smelly and she pukes too often.
Thank you for letting me get that out.
Damn…your door!!!
OMFG. This was so funny – I read this while my husband was sleeping next to me. I was making the craziest sounds trying not to burst out laughing. It made me laugh out loud the next day. I am so never getting a dog.
Thank you for posting this! I was laughing while reading, so my fiance had to read it for himself. He dreams about having a horse dog, but I am still coming up with excuses not to get one and winning! Now, he just saw the door! Your door! We might never get a horse dog. I just have to occasionally show that picture. So thank you, I owe you one ;).
Does he consider barking to be conversation? Does he wait until you bend over to do something (anything) to bound up and bark in your ear again and again and again? Cause if he doesn't, I have a dog that can only manage to do that to half the door, and I'll trade.
You made your bed, girly. Now you can't lie in it because you have a horse-dog. See what falling for floppy ears does to us? SAVE ME. The puppy is on the horizon. I can smell his doggy breath already…
Stacey, this post is priceless! However I want you to know that a friend in Uganda has a great dane that's now tethered at night – over the course of the last few months he's eaten several village goats and a pig. When Hampton Noodle starts dragging in members of the public you've got an even bigger problem……!
Seriously I laughed so freaking hard when I seen you door that i spit my cereal out! Yes that's gross but, hey that's tooo funny! Your dog is soooo cute & I bet he doesn't mean to work your nerves so thin :)
But that face. I hear you, sister, except that my problem child dog is about 1/3 the size of HN. But she's a pain in my ass, just the same, into EVERYTHING and worse than another toddler in the house. I'm so sorry.
Just reading this makes me see how calm and serene my life really is…compared to yours anyways!!
XOXO
I feel the same way about my goldendoodle (about 90 lbs.) and my door looks almost as bad – but on the INSIDE!!!!
And, my oldest son doesn't like him – thank goodness my 1 1/2 year old does. Someone needs to…
Ummmm, where the hell is the door knob?
the sight of that door makes me cry.
Is that really your door? Oh My GOD…
You probably hate to hear this, but he is super-cute. I'd probably stop my car and feed him if I lived in your neck of the woods. Plus, he has the best dog name ever. That's got to count for something, right???
The door….I'm speechless.
Wow.
When I was a kid, there were some people a few blocks away with a Great Dane (named Thor!) who occasionally got loose. A neighbor of ours pulled into his driveway in the middle of the night and was sure there was a horse in front of his garage. Nope, Thor.
hee hee. I always wanted a great dane…until some friends got a great dane puppy and his kennel looked like a human S&M cage and their carpets were shredded… and the yard? Yup, just as you described.
o my we are kindred canine spirits. I am a dog behaviorist and have 3 of my own. My home is no longer my sweet quaint lil cottage…its a glorified effin kennel. A yard full of shit..sure! Dogs are great except most have a very limited tolerance for boredom so they entertian themselves by consuming your home and other things you love and pay good money for. Next time..(should there be one)..get a Newfoundland. Far less destructive and require almost nil as far as regular exercise. I had a 120 pound 8month old Great Pyrenees for 4 months while I trained him. He Houdini'd his way out of his large enclosure ..got upstairs and totally ate Christmas. Everything….not a bow or ornie remained. Bastard.
Hilarious. We used to have that dog. Well, a different dog. But seriously the same dog. No one came to our apartment either.
LOL. Oh dear god. More tears. You are just hilarious. I need to go to bed, but I just can't stop reading!