I know many of you will find this divulgence shocking: I am not the most patient mother that ever sat down to read a book with her Kindergarteners. When a note came home from school a while ago informing us that we would be starting homework assignments, I cringed in horror – homeschooler I am not – and then put it completely out of my mind and went back to sucking down my chai and telling my kids that they can come upstairs and do fun crafts with me just as soon as they finish picking up the basement toy room, which never happens. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
As promised, the damn folders came home. Red for Saige and green for Garrett. How organized. Inside each cheerful, colorful folder nestled a small book – a level one reader – and a sheet on which to mark each day of the week that I sat down with my small children, cuddled close under a blanket on the couch by the fire, and snuggled them while they learned the joy of reading and discovered their inner literary genius.
This isn’t so bad, I lied to myself, this will be fun. I should be reading with them. A good mother would enjoy reading with her children and watching them uncover the magic of the written word. Besides, I could hardly begin their twenty year (one can dream) foray into education by sniping about how boring homework is. FOR ME.
About Wednesday, I remembered the reading assignments in a panic and chirped happily in the van on the way home from school, “We get to read your books tonight. We get to do your homework. I want to sit and have you read the books to me.”
“NOOOOOOOOOO,” Garrett screeched from the rear seat, “BORING! I DON’T WANT TO! I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL TODAY.”
Well, it was hard to argue with that logic. It is boring and he had been at school all day, but we needed a positive attitude to set forth on our path to higher education.
“Oh, I’ll do it with you. It’ll be fun.” Come on, you brat, I never do that. Work with me here.
He whinged the whole way home and so I wisely started with Saige.
Her book was called, I LOVE MESS. Apt. I snuggled. There was even a blanket. We looked at the cover together.
“Can you read it?” I asked her.
“I.”
“Yes!” She could read! Hallelujah. Maybe this wouldn’t be so painful after all.
“Lllll.”
“Good.”
“I don’t know.”
Hmmmmmm. “Lllll-ooooo-vvvvvv.”
Blank look.
“Don’t you sound out at school?”
“Yes.”
“Lllllllllll uuuuuuuuu vvvvvvvv.” I demonstrated.
“Love.”
“Right. Great job.”
“I love paint.” No. “I love crayons?!” “No, we’re not guessing, Saige, we’re reading, you have to sound it out. I love mmmmm….” “I love MOMMY!” Sweet, but no. “I LOVE MICE! I LOVE MONSTERS!”
“Mmmmmmm eeeeeee?”
“I LOVE Meeeee …. MARBLES?”
No.
“I LOVE COLORING!”
Okay, that doesn’t even start with M, you’re not even trying here.
“I love mmmmmmeeeeeeeessssss. mmmeeesss.”
“I don’t know.”
I hate learning to read. How is this that difficult? What’s wrong with this child’s brain. It’s broken. Mine’s broken.
“I love m-e-ss.”
“I love mess!!”
“Yes, good reading!” If your first language is Nepali. What have you even been doing at Kindergarten for seven months. Why are we paying hundreds of dollars a month? Do you know how many chais that is? I might be able to endure this torture if I had another chai.
“Alright, let’s try the first page.”
“I. love.”
“Good reading!”
“MOMMY!!”
Sucking up is not doing it for me. “Mess.”
“MESS!!”
“Good. Reading?” Bring me the Great Dane, I think I could teach him to read faster than this.
Page two.
“I. love. COLORS!” no. “CRAYONS!” no. “RED!” NO!
Deep breath. “Sweetheart. What does that word start with?” And god get this damn blanket off me, I’m sweating.
“P.”
“What does p say? See we’re not guessing, we’re sounding out. I. love. Pa, pa-aaaa-nnnn???”
Blank, like an empty, illiterate child that lives with her parents until she’s forty.
“teh?”
“RIGHT!!!!!” Praise the lord. “P-aaaa-nnnn-ttttt.”
“PAINT!”
“Good. I love…”
“Color?!”
“Paint. I love paint. Okay good, get your brother.”
“There’s more pages?”
“Those are for tomorrow. GARRRETTTT!!!”
“I DON’T WANT TO IT’S BORING.”
YOU BET YOUR UNHAIRY LITTLE ASS IT IS AND IF I SUFFER EVERYONE SUFFERS. GET! OVER! HERE!
“No, honey, it will be fun, just two pages.” Hahahaha, because that’s all mommy can take.
Not so much with the snuggling, he just wallowed uncomfortably in my lap with his book in his hands, entitled, I DID IT.
“What’s the title?”
“I don’t know.”
???? I am raising children with the intelligence of golden retrievers. Dumb golden retrievers.
“I?”
“Right, good reading. D – i – d.”
“Did!”
“Excellent.”
“It!”
OMFG, BOY GENIUS.
“I did it. That’s the title. Okay, here we go. What’s this letter?”
“Bee.”
“What does bee say?”
‘Bah.”
We’ve achieved hunting terrier IQ here. I believe at least one of my children could be successfully trained to fetch dead rodents.
“Ba-ba-ttttt-ooonnnnn. Bu-ttt-ooonnnn.”
“Button!”
“Yes.” I pointed to the next three words. In a unpredictable plot twist, they were, I did it.
“I.” Yes! “Buttoned it!!”
Logical, but no. “I did it. Button. I did it.”
Page two.
“Zzzzzz-iiii-pppppp.”
“Zip!”
“Yes! Good reading!” Someone bring me a bacon treat, I need to reinforce repetition here.
“Zip. I?”
“Zipped it!!!!”
“No. I did it. Zip. I d – i – d it.” Are you sensing a theme here? Because I’m sensing a theme.
“S-n-a-p. SNNNN AAAA PPPPP.”
“Snap?”
“Right. I. Think? What’s that word?”
?????? There’s nothing in there. It’s like reading with a eager-to-please chipmunk.
“Da-da? i-i-i? d?” My brain cells are crying out in agony and jumping off of neuron cliffs. This is how Alzheimer’s begins.
“I snapped it?”
“Noooooo.”
“I DID IT????!!!”
“Yes. Fabulous. Okay, that was fun.”
“There’s more pages.”
“I’m done. We need to save some for tomorrow.”
********************************
Da-ddd-errrr-iiinnnn-kkkk. I drinked it. I love drunk.
Oh crap! you have traumatized me when I think of what is to come with my youngest. My older one will be less painful, but the younger one….crap. The plus side is that he will be gone consistently for half of the day, by the time I have to deal with it.
I am falling out of my chair laughing. This is just what I needed today, feeling a bit on the crabby side.
" I believe at least one of my children could be successfully trained to fetch dead rodents"
I love you.
C
Yes, the forced home reading can be painful. And some of the books have the interest level of dust. What I did last year with my son was read a lot of it to him and make him work for the odd work. It also helps immensely if you do a "picture walk" first (give them broad hints of some of the words).
But ultimately, you will probably need many more da-d-d-r-in-ks….
Good luck…
I feel for you, I really do.
This is so bad…but I send my kids to after care each day. I'd say they are there for an hour and 15 minutes. I love it, because they do their homework there. I mean, I need them to go, because I'm working…but still. I adore after care. ahem.
Lord save me from reading lessons. I have two more kids to go. My oldest started reading like a switch flipped, and we never had to do the sounding out torture. The second one, however. I was ready to drink by the end of each session.
Ah, the memories. Good luck and God bless and thank God it's you and not me because I honestly don't think I could go through that again.
And the flash cards. Shhh, I never, ever, did the flash cards. Or, as I call them, let's teach kids to hate reading cards.
My kids are awesome readers. It happens. Frankly, I think it's just a matter of waiting for it to kick in for them, and it will. Good luck.
I am DYING! You know what I'm doing right now? Sitting with my 2nd and 6th grader while they do homework.
I
HATE
IT
Yes, they are mildly independent, but the 6th grader needs help with math and the 2nd grader just needs help.
I
HATE
HOMEWORK
Oh no hahahaha. Sorry, but I do sympathize. I decided to teach my son to play the piano, since my father started teaching me at the same age. I've since discovered my patience is very, very thin. I will, in the near future, be looking for a professional teacher for him.
Yep, this about sums up teaching a new reader.
OMG Stacey – there are tears on my cheeks and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
This is so FRIGGING true and happens in our house every Tuesday and Thursday when 'Home Reading' comes home from my daughter's Kindergarten class.
Seriously. So funny. I need to go read it again.
Yep, still funny.
Wait till they have to use all their spelling words in sentences Every. Week. Five word sentences that each have to begin with a different word. Not so hard right? I hated 2nd grade homework when I worked at the group home.
You pretty much described trying to get my daughter to read a few years ago. I don't know how I'm not an alcoholic after that!
I promise it gets easier. It's the other subjects that get hard. Now that I've scared you, perhaps you should just focus on the present and the reading.
And for this, for this TRUTH, you deserve the biggest, heaviest, most shiny ass Mother of the Year Award. No, Mother of the effing decade.
God, I think I might love you more today than I love all three of my kids put together.
I'm still doing this with g-kids.
Just letting you know what the future looks like.
Until eternity.
I cringed and laughed a lot just now. It's truly painful and I could NEVER be a teacher. Ever. I have a 2nd grader who is dyslexic. Reading and writing is a PITA. She hates 2nd grade sentence writing and she doesn't even have to make the first word different thank God. (Amelia)
Are there pictures? We were told to have the child look at the picture first and then read the words on that page.
And tying shoes. They can drag those laces because I'm not chasing a rabbit around a tree for anyone.
Then there is the full-day of "in-school intervention" for the 18-year old Senior who refuses to take his hat off in school.
Or picking up a suspended 15-year old because he refused to take notes in math class and when asked to change seats said Fuck.
Or the two-hour battle to get the 11-year old to read. On her own. Because she knows how to and it is required even if she doesn't like it.
And the wrestling match to get the 4-year old in a bath at least once a month.
I think when my Kindergarten gets home I'll be glad to read with her. It's about the easiest thing I do all day.
Sandra,
You don't have to have a different first word?!!! Do you know what 2nd graders want to start their sentences with? Whoever was their favorite that day, (usually not me, the evil sentence staff) or 'I'. That's it. It is IMPOSSIBLE to start a sentence without it being 1 of those 2 things. I'm feeling really ripped off here.
Let me not be the bearer of bad news but it does NOT get better. It just gets more difficult. I HATE the reading part and I always have. I thought for sure there would be nothing in their years of school that I hated more than the reading, logs and charts and how many minutes and signatures and TORTURE. Then there was math! OMG I hate math. There are nothing like the slap in the face you have to give yourself when you can't figure out the 4th grade math. This is NOT the math I was taught. Sadly, there have been many a day my 4th grader has had to wait to do his math until my 6th grader got home to help him. Pathetic mom fail. Math is painful…just like reading. I don't know about you but I send them to school for someone else, someone who doesn't have to save their patience with them to deal with ever other detail in life, to teach them. the end!
the rudolph steiner people have a good take on reading. they don't even start teaching the kids until the second teeth come in – 7 or 8 years old. apparently second teeth = ready to learn to read. looking back, my two girls struggled with the written word till age 7.5 and then the light came on. my son was earlier.
Makes you kind of long for the days when they memorized their favorite books, read them right back to you, and had you picturing scholarships, huh?
DEAR SWEET JESUS! Thanks. Now I have a clear picture of what next year will be like for me with the twins! CRAP!!
That was painful. But I do feel better about picking out chapter books for my first grader and sending her to her room for thirty minutes for her nightly required reading. No doggie-jerky needed.
Fingers crossed for you.
I'm telling you – the first thing I thought when you had 4 kids is: that poor woman is going to be doing homework for the rest of her life! Eeeek. I have one and it almost does me in. And I LOATHED teaching her to read. It was one irritation after another. My kid just doesn't like to focus. Well, not that, she just doesn't like to work at anything she doesn't engage with i.e. anything challenging :-) Of course, here it is at 8:30 and she's painting a masterpiece in the kitchen. It's not math, but it may yet pay the bills.
Some of the kids I sit for like to read to me, you know, when they're just learning…I dread it because it makes the bed time story 20 minutes longer than it should be!!
I feel your pain!
I love you and your honesty. I always feel so guilty about dreading homework time with my 1st grader! She is such a great learner at school but then at home it is like pulling teeth. Just wait until you have spelling words to practice. I have almost walked right out of my house on those nights! :)
My oldest read like that. He was struggling his way through a book about "Mat" in which every sentence was about … Mat. As in, Mat had a hat, Mat sat. Mat had a cat.
And he's sounding it out, and sounding it out, and in about the fifth page he starts, sounding iy out… Mmmmm–aaa…
And his three year old sister yells "MAT! his name is MAT!
here's the thing about homework in kindergarten:
don't do it, but lie and say you did.
everyone wins.
I was going to say it gets better, but there are two more…
Your "inside your own head" comments so perfectly sum up how I feel with my little ones each and every reading lesson… it's hard, but it pays off, I promise. :) Love how you can perfectly sum up everything inside my own head, though. I always feel like I need a drink once school is over for the day, but I still somehow love it… crazy, Iknow.
I'm not a big fan of the enforced reading at home. I've read to Sweetpea every night since she was a baby, and even now that she actually knows how to read, I still read to her and she reads out loud only if she wants to. I want her to enjoy it….
I love you all, except for you wait for math people, you have me sucking my thumb and rocking in a corner.
@mosey I agree so emphatically. I do read to my children (I know it's hard to believe) every single day and we love it, but they are complex, interesting children's books (when they are not obsessed with spiderman) with full vocabularies and gorgeous syntax. Slogging through level one primers blows.
Dude, you nailed it. Even if the homework "reading" assignment was only half as excruciating as you depicted here, I'm hiring a nanny for homework. We won't be retiring anyway, or taking vacations, with all the summer school the future will be serving up….
My daughter is learning to read and I constantly forget to do her homework with her. I loved your line about sweating under the blanket! You are so funny.
ROFLMAO!!!! To the mommy of two 5 year olds also I am right there with you!! I think next time we try that here Mommy's going to take a shot of tequila.
ROFLMAO!!! As a mom to two 5 year olds I'm right there with you!! I thought I was the only one who got bored and annoyed at "reading" with my children! I say next time skip the chai and go straight for the tequila. ;)
Oh man, ever since becoming a parent (and reading lots of parenting blogs), I have seriously regretted almost every homework assignment I have ever sent home. I do say every year at Back to School Night to the parents: "You already passed fourth grade. Please let your children do their own homework." Every year they ignore me, but I try. If only that would work for kindergarteners. Chai tea: definitely not strong enough for beginning readers.
Well, it's nothing but painful, that's true. But the beauty is that they'll be torturing you with this sounding it out and guessing stuff, and then all of a sudden one day you'll hear in the back seat a murmur, "no turn on red … Mama? What does that sign say?" and you'll realize that the child in question just read the sign without any problems at all. VOILA! Reading! It's the the broken brain miraculously mends one day click! and there is comprehension. May you have patience and many drinks to get you to that point.
Dang. Bring me a martini. And you, too.
I am crying laughing at this. We have the same books coming home, and I have the same experience. It makes me stabby.
I am constantly thinking "You know your letters, why can't you freaking read already??"
I would be the worst homeschooler ever.
I am afraid you haven't seen anything yet! Actually homework is the strongest argument against having a lot of kids, as people here already mentioned. Learning to read is the least of it; and there is something truly magical about the moment it all finally clicks and each of your children becomes a reader.
At least you seem to keep your sense of humour, which is more than I can claim, most of the time.
OMFG – I am doing the same with my kindergartner. I have no patience either, and he knows it. I am royally screwed too. He also just guesses and he KNOWS how to sound out. Ugh. BUT, my kindergartner MUST WRITE 2 sentences and draw a picture of the damn story when he is done. Seriously? 3 words in a story and he has to come up with 2 sentences and draw a picture. I totally hate homework…
Holy shit…I'm so dead. I am NOT going to have the patience for this crap and I'm a teacher!!! Granted, I teach middle school, so they're kind of house broken by then, but stilllllll…
Best line: Blank, like an empty, illiterate child that lives with her parents until she's forty.
You make me laugh so much. I am laughing WITH you, not at you, of course.
Ah the memories. Just wait, you have algebra to look forward to(which I swear they start in 4th grade now) and the thing that almost drove me over the edge with my kids was doing a family tree in junior high. Oh the swearing and drinking. By me,not them.
OMG that was HILARIOUS. My daughter is three, and my husband is insistent that she needs to learn how to read. Like, yesterday. I mean, really? Because she's three… so anyway, she wanted to play school and knows her letter sounds, so I was doing words that end with "at" – you know, bat, cat, hat, mat…right. She read cat and I thought she was a genius!! Then we tried the others and she would tell me what all the sounds said, but wouldn't put them together. I was completely frustrated after about 2 minutes. Isn't that what teachers are for?!
As the mother of a 5 year old who is learning to read and a 5 month old airedale puppy who is learning to, well, not jump and not bite and not eat underwear and not climb in the dishwasher, etc., I loved this!
Oh you WERE in my living room for the reading lesson! I thought we were being watched (but only because I felt there may be child abuse involved if I had to continue!) Obviously I am not cut out to be a kindergarten teacher – can you imagine the madness? OMG. saints – every one of them seriously.
Good Lord, I didn't realize how badly I needed the laugh you just gave me. Facing an ice storm coming our way, what could be worse than another damn storm to keep me cooped up in the house? Well, simple: being iced in with small children who are bored. Been there, done that.
I will say with my own, mercifully grown, children, the reading was simple. They both saw us doing it and DEMANDED to be let in on the secret. Self-starters. Then we got to math and I was immediately lost. Having someone take over who understands and can teach math is totally why I married an engineer. Though I can do without the "Honey, that's not MATH, that's just arithmatic." Whatever. Pass the drinkie.
OMG – i just posted this to my facebook profile – so funny! so well-written! so me as a young mom!! thanks for putting it in words – and good luck!
I love that Ironic says the books have the interest level of dust! Riot. Totally true.
In another oh-yeah-I-forgot-about-that-phase moment – just wait until they get to third grade and have to read. ALOUD. TO YOU. FOR THIRTY MINUTES. 5 DAYS A WEEK. Then you'll be glad for HN. Go read to the DOG, and you'll sign off on it!! Oy.
And another fav: when the teachers keep using the same books year after year and you're still hearing the same damn story for child number THREEEEEEE. Mind numbing.
Sorry. I'm done now.
Absolutely hysterical. I needed the laugh, i'm listening to my 8 yo take violin lessons…. yikes.
I'm right there with you. Except the note sent home said that we have to make her point to every word she reads. "Good reading honey but you forgot to point to the words. Now we have to start over. Remember to point this time."
"I don't wanna point momma. I can read without pointing."
"Yes sweetie you can 'read' without pointing. But Mrs. N wants you to point at the words."
"Pointing is silly momma."
Why exactly did I quit drinking forever?
So funny!! We're at the same place with J. Except she started proclaiming she never wants to read and hates reading. *sigh*
I ADORE Leap Frog movies on reading (Letter Factory, Word Factory, & something about silent "E") They made a huge difference in her ability to sound stuff out. They just seemed to help stuff "click"
Also instituted Quiet Reading Time every day. 20 min of no talking, sitting still, and reading books. Secret objective? Time of peace & quiet when I can read MY book. Bonus? She suddenly wants to read the words, not just look at pictures and subsequently works harder. Without me. On her own.
Hang in there, mama! xox
Oh dear. I love you. Have a drink.
Also, read it to them and have them repeat it. It counts as reading.
IT COUNTS.
Ha! Too funny.
I teach violin at the local conservatory, but I knew better than to give my own kids lessons. I found them their own teacher–who is not me. There is only so much the mother/daughter bond can bear.
We did Bob books. Cat sat on Mat. Mat sat on Cat. We'd sound out the first one and have to start ALL OVER on the second one. SAME WORDS. My oldest would look at the sky and then say "hmmmm. Sam?" sigh. Wait until you start on math and they look at the sky and guess answers . . . mwhaahaha. Long division. Spiked chai.
Freaking hilarious.
we're working on tracing the letters right now. got help us, someone's going to get a fracking pencil in the eye.
I thought that I was the only one who cringes every time that Borrow-A-Book bag appears in the backpack. I was so incredibly frustrated after doing a sequencing activity with my son that I skulked away convinced he had something wrong with the wiring in his brain. The worst part of it . . . I am a teacher. I guess that's why I always tell the parents to let me teach their kids.
This post is similar to one Carol wrote for http://4mothers1blog.wordpress.com.
Ha! I can only imagine…lol. I teach first grade. Honestly, I don't like sending homework, and, parents complain if I send it, and they complain double if I don't. Go figure! I do always get one kid who's like, "c-aaaa-t, c-aaaaaaaa-t, c-aa-t, SNAKE!!"
I am so glad I'm not the only one with an internal monologue like that. I'm going to bookmark this post for a year and a half from now.
oh good I'm not alone! we started reading last week. I love the words "I" and "a" I read every other word and let them read "I" and "a" for 2wks. I wonder how we learned to read? I don't remember it.
THANK YOU for so eloquently articulating my past 6 months of first grade homework. You'd think the teachers would be a bit more sympathetic of parents who are thrilled their child is learning English.
Since I also have a kindergartener learning to read, I have to comment on this one… He's come a long way since August, but oh.my.god. There was a point where I thought neither of us would survive. Now he's reading, so I thought we were golden. Hard work over, right? Coasting the rest of Kindergarten? No. Last week he brought home a homework assignment for a BOOK REPORT. For a Kindergartener.
Pass the rum.
Heh! I love reading to my boys and once in a while have tried to get the preschooler to sound out words. It's hard work! It might be more fun if the early readers were about things that interested kids.
Add a glass of wine and the sound of me repeatedly hitting my forehead off the table and you have our Kindergarten homework.
Meanwhile, HRH is halfway through the 5th Harry Potter book. EVENTUALLY it does sink in.
sssss
ssss i-i-i-i-i-i nnnnn kkkkk
I dread real homework. Oliver doesn't have to do the homework the rest of his classmates do because of his special needs. They want him to focus 100% on developing language. So YEAH! But I think I'm supposed to be doing language-developing activities with him…Do DVDs count? They have lot of dialogue. What about Wii? There is lots of discussion (screaming/fighting) during Wii sports games. More mommy guilt…
I am a teacher (K-3 certified) and I HATE HATE HATE reading at home with my second grader. It is TORTURE!!! I enjoy reading his bed time story to him, but the homework part of the day when he is the one reading is just the worst. I almost always end up wanting to run away and hide. Or angry.
Reading this was just the best part of my day, I can already say! So hilarious! You are so funny, so honest.
How you have made me laugh, laugh, laugh…just what I needed, thank you!!
That was hilarious!
We are an American family in Europe and I LOVE the system here. They start reading at age 6-7 and pick it up quickly (in a matter of weeks). No struggles, no pain.
thank you for reinforcing the fact that I'm not the only one! Hilarious!
thank you for reinforcing the fact that I'm not the only one! Hilarious!
OH MY GOD. Completely hilarious!! Been there with my own, and you've given voice to my thoughts. It will get better. I hope.
"You bet your unhairy little ass" has got to be my new favorite phrase. My husband thanks you in advance for that one. ;)
hehehe Story of my LIFE! LOL I get SO stressed out! I have just started using http://www.headsprout.com with my 3 and 6 year olds and it's working WONDERFULLY with them. It's a little bit expensive, but it starts at the very basics and works up… teaches them to sound out and they are READING! It's an online, interactive program but it comes with tons of books and a chart for the kids to put a sticker on when they finish an episode. I know I sound like a commercial and I swear I don't work for them or anything! LOL I just have truly stopped pulling my hair out so badly since using this program! :) I found your blog when someone linked to your disruption post. Thanks so much for your honesty. It's SO needed in the adoption community.
hilarious! I know exactly how you feel:) the title of this post is what brought me over from rage against the minivan:)
Try "Teaching Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons" by Siegfried Engelmann. My opinion is that the school may or may not do a good job of teaching phonics and patterns and this book is awesome. Starts nice and slow and the lessons are super short at first. I used it with my five year old and she now gets reading, and we only made it to Lesson 45. Way better than the books she brings home from school. Funny post, good luck!
Actually… you might think me crazy, but this is exactly why I'm a fan of teaching kids to read much *earlier*. Slogging through those stupid "fat cat" stories as an 8-year-old? Torture. Reading a "fat cat" story of your very own, all by yourself, as a 2-year-old? Not so bad.
And since the traditional books you read a 2-year-old are repetitious and dull anyway, it doesn't hurt quite as much for mom either.
And – the poor kid doesn't have to even *remember* the hard work of learning to read. By the time their long-term memory "kicks in", they're reading Encyclopedia Brown and Choose Your Own Adventure. (That's all I can remember!)