Today, I am performing a public service. It has been a crappy week and it’s only Wednesday, so sit back. Relax. Let me make you feel better about your parenting and life skills.
Top ten reasons no one should worry about their parenting while I’m on the planet.
#10 Garrett fell out of his crib, not once, not twice, but three times after he learned to pull up because I repeatedly failed to raise the side of the crib after I laid him in it. (Bonus point! That kind of crib is now completely recalled! Fabulous!)
#9 Nate has scooted down under the tray of his crappy, keep-it-in-the-car stroller and gotten his head stuck, not once, not twice, not three times, oh hell I have no idea how many times. I just carried on my way, casually shoving his head into the foam and extracting him below the tray whenever he failed to Houdini his way out of the damn thing. Guess what?! That stroller was just recalled. Because babies have suffocated themselves getting their heads stuck under the tray while their oblivious mother checks Kindergarten mailboxes for airplane art made with paper and approximately 500,000,000 staples. Fabulous! Also, we are responsible for the current worldwide staple shortage.
#8 I once noticed extremely excited shrieking from the basement during quiet time and I completely ignored it like I always do until I heard someone shriek excitedly, “kill it! kill it!” which alerted me that something possibly alive had entered the purview of my pack of toddlers. Upon hightailing it down there to save the poor, wretched creature, I found my three small children in a ring of death around a horrifically large and fairly poisonous male Hobo spider.
#7 Last week, I noticed an uncomfortable dampness on my Nate-carrying hip at the grocery store and I was supremely pissed off because I had just changed his diaper before I left for the grocery store and I still had two school pick ups to do and now we were both soaked in urine, thanks a lot crappy Costco diapers. Then, I peered down the back of his pants and the crappy Costco diapers were all, HA! this one’s on you, lady, you have to actually put a diaper back on the baby after taking the soiled diaper off if you want it to contain the urine.
#6 Walking my triple stroller down the boulevard one fine fall day, engaged in conversation with Elise – who is commonly at the center of my parenting troubles – I fully rammed Garrett’s head into the side view mirror of a parked car. Thankfully, it was the kind that gives for drivers that hit things, but still.
#5 Coming home from a Halloween party last year at 8:30 p.m., my four-year-old son asked his father, “what are all those twinkling things in the sky?” That’s right. I am so fanatic about bedtime that my four-year-old had never seen the stars.
#4 Quinn very nearly drowned in an icy puddle at the bottom of a slide two winters ago. He had just learned to walk and I chatted away – with Elise, of course – oblivious to his upside down in a freezing cold puddle status not four feet in front of me. NOTE: All water is dangerous, even icy, bottom-of-slide puddles.
#3 On a particularly bad, grumpy winter morning last year, I snarled so viciously at Garrett when he dropped the Starbucks latte that I had purchased for a friend on my way to our play date that he cried for the entire three hour play date.
#2 I have, on numerous occasions, eaten a special treat that I made the children save until after dinner and then found some trivial excuse to yank treats after dinner so that I had more time to procure another treat for the next day. I tell myself this heightens the anticipation for them.
#1 Driving to Christian Kindergarten the other morning, I swore under my breath at another driver. My daughter piped merrily from the seat behind me, “was he a dickwad, momma?” He was, but that is beside the point. Obviously.
There now. Don’t you feel better?
I love you. Seriously. I've done most of those things. Not the recalled stuff because well. My youngest barely slept in her crib and was moved to a (probably recalled but didn't break on my watch) playpen. But all the others? Yep, been there, done that.
could I love you even more than I did before? you're the bestest mommy out there.
I love you.
I love this.
And I'm glad I'm not the only one that does this kind of crap.
I do feel better. Not because I feel superior but because I don't feel alone.
On our recent trip to Boston, we had a severely long day that started at four a.m.
My two and a half year old typically sleeps until nine so obviously we were in for it.
She didn't sleep in the car on the hour long drive to the airport, she didn't sleep a single wink on the airplane. She didn't sleep on our way to the hotel from the airport.
Finally, at 11 pm Boston time we all settled down in our hotel room. (Oh, I didn't mention I shared a hotel room with my mom and dad! Fail.)
As soon as my dad's head hit the pillow, he started snoring. And I'm not talking gentle breaths of angelic sleep. I'm talking hungry grizzly bear roars.
So, upon hearing this snore..my head bounces up from my pillow and the words "No f****** way!" just fly out of my mouth.
My two and a half year old inquisitively says "No f****** way Mommy?"
And that's the story of her first swear word and also why I love reading this blog. We're all so incredibly human, it hurts.
/headdesk
OK when you are reading #6 please make sure you keep in mind that "thud." sound that happens when one solid object hits another, followed by cried (from G) and barely contained laughter (from me).
That DID make me feel better. Especially since as i was reading it, I was snapping at my kids saying "stop crying and go play with something while Mommy reads this!".
I love you. The Nate with no diaper one cracked me up.
I've done this and more, I'm sure. Although none of mine almost drowned at the end of a slide. So you win that one. ;) Can I share? Just a few?
1. I once yelled at my toddler for throwing a huge screaming fit, because I told her I was leaving her with her daddy for a bit, only to realize the next day that her sister had just opened a door into her head. She was screaming because of that. Yeah, that bruise lasted for weeks.
2. I don't buy my kids gifts when I go places. I find that it just makes me grouchy to feel like I have to do this. However all it really does is make me look like the assholy mom when everyone else is doing it.
3. I don't allow kid music in my house. Therefore my toddler's favorite song is Eminem's current single. The one about the wife beater.
I win at parenting too.
I sooooo hear this, I have a doozy of a story..I'll email you!
Now if only I was ballsy enough to share my worst parenting moments… Hell If only we all were!
It's official. I do love you and your blog. Now, when my two year old pops out with the F word when I am driving (as this developmental milestone is sure to occur any day now) I won't feel *quite* as bad.
so. been. there.
(((HUGSHUGSHUGS)))
&
wine.
p.s. all three of the cribs in our house have been recalled. F-CK THAT SHIT.
I don't know if I'd dare list mine, but it's nice knowing I'm not alone.
Is it totally stupid to say I had 4 kids in drop-sided cribs and they were fine–as long as you raise the side. ;)
Hope your week improves.
Yes, much – thanks! May I return the favor?
Wow. This is fantastic. My daughter is 11 months, so not quite repeating my words just yet … but I'm going to be in big trouble. I just know it. And, I'm thinking we'll be dealing with her scaling the sides of the crib pretty soon, too. Thanks for reminding us that we're all human.
Oh my dear, I just have the biggest crush on you.
If it makes you feel better, I eat my kids' treats all the damn time. I don't even come up with an excuse for it.
And I took my son to preschool yesterday without feeding him breakfast because I forgot to.
And #7 made me snort out loud.
Because I want you to know that you are far from alone I resemble more than half of these remarks. It's tough being a mom.
I am laughing out loud and thinking you aren't alone at the same time. Parenting wouldn't be fun without all these "shining" moments!
We've all forgotten a diaper or two over the years…
But the stars thing was so you, I absolutely cracked up.
GREAT post!! I do feel better as I always do after reading your posts. I have 4 kids 5 years apart (now they are 6.5, 5.5, 3 and 1.5 yrs) AND a dog but not a horse like you – we have a standard poodle – and I have had many of the same things happen to me but could never write about them in such an eloquent way – NEVER!! Thanks for taking the time to write. Oh and my kids are stunned when they see the dark sky and stars too – they are all in bed no later than 7pm and it used to be 6pm so you are not alone :-)!
Mission accomplished! I do feel better because now I know that I wasn't alone with all my mommy mistakes. And, thanks for the laughs!
I love how we share our bad moments with other parents, it just makes them love us more. (NO. REALLY. I LOVE IT.)
Here's a recent one of mine:
Dropping my kid off at (Christian) preschool (late, natch), I said dammit (IN THE HALLWAY) when I dropped book bag & a cardboard poster fell on my head. My two year old echoed it to the point that I kinda had to put my hand on his mouth. Then, I was so flustered that I took HIS coat off (instead of his brother's) and sent him into the classroom.
BONUS: We learned some more vocabulary on the ride home.
Okay some of these are from a few years ago.
So only TEN mistakes in a few years. I hate you. I could list 5,000.
I have a recalled crib and haven't fixed it.
I also have that recalled stroller and was annoyed I couldn't take it back. I don't use it as it is, just wanted a few babies r us bucks. Damn.
Laughed pretty hard at hitting you kids head on the rear view mirror. My son covers his head each time I put him into the car seat because I knocked his head on the frame of the car one too many times. Oops!
Tonight at dinner, I told the boys there is ice cream in the house should they deign to actually eat. As soon as the words were coming out of my mouth, I wanted to weep and take it all back because, while, yes, dammit, EAT YOUR PEAS, I just wanted all that ice cream to myself. Perhaps at once. Maybe stretched out over a few days. Either way, I get the treat thing!
#5! BAHAHAHAHA! My youngest, who is in bed at promptly 6:30 EVERY night, actually gets nervous when we go out after dark. She keeps asking me to turn on the lights!
I've got a great one for you……My youngest (do you notice a pattern here?), dislocated her arm at the school yard…which I did not know at the time. When I said, "It's time to go," she exploded into tears. I was pissed that she was throwing such a fit. So I grabbed her arm and held it all the way home. It happened to be the arm that was dislocated. Which explains why she cried during the whole walk. I, too, am a craptastic mother.
I feel better. But only because my kids know what stars are. They've seen Sarah Jessica Parker several times.
Definitely more normal. B/c OMG do I do some things that people could call me a bad mama for. Oh well, my kids are okay.
Much better Thank-You! (as I ignore my crying 2.5 yr old daughter so I can catch up with blogs.) Just a minute!!!…..
If by better you mean that my sides now hurt from laughing, yes….
And bedtime? That's not a bad thing. I'm about to go scare a child I can hear in the bathroom getting a drink after bedtime. Again.
I love you.
That is all.
Love it! I nodded and giggled and sympathized through all your scenarios.
And to commiserate even more, I'll share one of mine from about 22 minutes ago:
- Got so frustrated with my 7 yr old for yelling at me (while she was in the bathroom getting out of the tub, she yelled at me to hand her a towel since it was, of course, 2 feet away). As she yelled, I was putting her brother to bed (and, um, in another ROOM). He was exhausted from his own tantrum because, and I'll paraphrase, "Damn it, mom, why can't 4 year old boys play with matches?" As he screamed and I tried to leave his room and close the door to show how much I loved his behavior, I clocked him in the face with the door. That really helped.)
Where was I? Oh yeah. So when I finally got to my daughter I was irate. I recently gave up yelling, and apparently I reinstated it today. With colors. As I yelled at my daughter, I actually said, "your DAMN towel".
Classy. Bravo me.
shit. there's a staple shortage?
i need to fix a curtain. now what am i going to do?
My kid now knows to yell back: "mommy! Shuush! You're making me sad!"
Can't imagine where he got THAT from.
i do feel better, because you make life the way it is OK. and we all SAY that it is, and it's ok not to be perfect, but it's a whole other BALLGAME to talk about what we really mean. thank you for making me laugh and sigh in recognition.
Yes, thank you, may I have another??
Thanks for sharing these! I have many of my own, but they don't seem as funny. xo
tears of laughter, you will never, ever know how much I needed to read exactly this tonight.
Thank you.
I would feel better but I let my youngest fall off the deck not once or twice but NO three times, THIS WEEK. I also just let them eat canned fruit cocktail for dinner ( what it's fruit, right). I would say more but I'm afraid people in uniforms with nice foster homes waiting might show up at my door.
I do feel better now. Thanks! I needed that after this day.
I shudder to think what would be on my list, other than my 23 month old son ripping apart the linen closet saying, "A towel, a towel, Jesus Christ I need a towel!"
So.Much.Better. :-)
xoxo
And… my Wednesday consisted of both URINE and VOMIT on my first grade classroom floor ~ and the vomit ~ it hit the floor while the custodian was at lunch. MY LUCKY DAY!
I love this post!!!! I only have one can't imagine the harm that could be done with more. For whatever reason my almost 4 year old will correct anyone who says "stupid and "hate" but for some reaosn has nver repeated or even taken notice to curse words….. until last week. I have to say I had nothing to do with it, it was my husband but I do want to laugh pretty hard when she said"what's a little bastard daddy?" nice real nice.
Lady – at least your kid has a crib. At 17 months, I opted to keep mine in the pack n play… until he's ready for a big boy bed. I'm lazy that way. :)
It has been a bad week… but it got better reading your list. Thanks for the honesty and the peek at what's to come. (How are those cheap Costco diapers, when you put them on the baby?)
I blurted a big "ha" at the head-meets-mirror image. Do I enjoy childrens pain? Not sure if that's really it, but more that I've done the same kinds of things. I laughed then, too. I'm detecting a pattern. Bad parenting?
Nah…
You are in the club. I'm still PRESIDENT, mind you, but you are IN.
OMG!!! You crack me up!! And, thanks so much for introducing me to chai tea, now I'm hooked!!
This was totally something I needed to read today! Very horribly bad day, this made me feel better. I'm glad I'm not the only mom who has off moments. :)
okay this is awesome because it makes me feel way better, not about motherhood (yet), but about teaching eighth graders. Yesterday, I told a kid who was talking to move to the back of the room and then, when he told me he couldn't see, I told him he had lost that privilege. Lost the privilege?? To see in a classroom??? Geesh.
But, speaking of 8th graders and how awesome you are…last week I had to define the word empathy for them and I used your writing as my example. I told them about how I used to judge mothers who gave up adopted children and then about how I started to read your writing and was able to see things through your eyes and how I gained empathy. Now, I try not to judge anyone because that experience really affected me.
My 8th graders were mesmerized by the story and I think they really got empathy and how we can find it in literature and should use it in life. So, thank you.
You got me beat but only cause you have more littles. I'm guilty of at least 3 of these and i've only been a mom for 9 months. Oy. You crack me up. Obviously.
Thank you for this amazing list. I only have one child, who is now a teenager, but I recall locking him in a running vehicle not once, but twice before he was old enough to get himself out of his car seat. It was embarrassing to say the least when two fire engines and a police car show up to fix my bad parenting.
one morning following a bonfire the night before, stella was INSISTENT that she talk to boppa on the phone. i heard her go in her room and say, "boppa. they lied to me. you CAN swing at night."
stella and cora both fell off my bed. finn has yet to. notice i said "yet". it's bound to happen.
y'all forgot to mention that whole thing about boys climbing things. at an early age.
oh holy hell. i'm in trouble with this one.
Me, too. Me, too. Me, too. And, oh yeah, me too.
I feel better…. but don't .
When my children ( grown, alive and well ) were small and dependent on their parents.. I was driving along, they were in the back seat … a car on my left, decided to turn right and hit us. My son fell forward, hitting his head, my daughter was ok. He was 4 she was about 9 ..
I got out of the car, grabbed him, walked around the car and she started to get out of the car by herself.
Instead of being comforting and calm, I screamed at her to sit down and stay put.
I have hated myself for that, for all these years and will continue to.
When she needed comfort and mothering, I screamed at her.
Just last week, I nagged my two year old to finish her quesedilla before she could have anything else to eat. I only discovered that the tortillas were moldy when I went to make myself one.
It's a good thing kids are so tough.
HAHAHAHAHA! I love it!
Eileen
Http://www.givingherallshesgot.Wordpress.com
We're human. NO one is perfect. That is what I told myself when my preemie 2 month old scootched off the couch falling 2 feet face up or face down, who can remember. It was a nightmare at the time for both of us.
And when I clipped her toddler body into the stroller and her tummy skin got caught in the clip. Yeah, that one she STILL remembers.
Or when I was walking out of Chuck- E-Cheese (germ infested place I hate to this day) with my younger child in the backpack carrier, following the older child out the door, and the door slammed into the head of my younger child.
this is great!!
My son repeatedly was left to fall over the back of the couch…onto the tile floor…landing on his head.
Shining parenting moments? We've all got 'em.
I love you. That's all.
I love you! I have done most of these things. In fact if the FDA had a camera on my house, there would be a lot more recalls- or maybe they would just recall me? I think we are building stronger more resistant children. Our children will be able to take anything life throws at them!
I nodded all the way through this and wept a few bitter tears at #3 as I recalled driving away with my latté on the roof of the car a while back. My then four year old learned a naughty word that day.
Your awesome, and yes, it did make this 1st time mama who has screwed up at every possible moment feel better. Glad to know I'm not the only one :o) THANKS!!!
The slamming into the mirror made me crack up!!! Love that you admitted to half of this shit!
Great stories. Thanks for sharing especially #1. I will now share. I once woke to the sound of our toddler throwing up in bed. After checking him out I put him back in the puke bed. When the next round came my wife was none too pleased with my tactics.
HRH slipped in a puddle of dog water and broke his leg at 19 months.
Laughing my ass off. At least I know I'm not alone in competing for the parent-of-the-year award!!
Am laughing so hard that I now have to pee. So thanks for that!
Also? I have so many of these stories and I love hearing them from other parents. We call them "Parenting Magazine moments" – as in, they are coming to take your photo for the cover any moment!
Here's one: my 5 year old yelled out "G*d Dammit" during the new families night at our Catholic school – on the very crowded playground. Gah.
Marinka and Jill both just made me laugh.
Um, I also wanted to add…I've hit my son's head so many times on my car, while trying to get him into his car seat that he now says, MINE DO IT!!!! I let him too. Because yeah, I'd like him to save what little brain he has left.
…wishing blogger comments had a "like" button :) thanks all!!!
Oh you make me laugh so hard. And you're right, I do feel better. :) Thanks! ;)
I heart you!
I DO feel better. Thanks. Now, can you write a blog like this, oh, about once a week just to remind me that we are ALL in this together? I need reminders that I'm not the only one out there. . . .
Ah, what a great start to my day (w/ all kids at home due to teacher inservice day….and don't even get me started on why we pay private schools the big bucks so they can continue to have four day school weeks and teachers can have inservice days but not be at school, um, in-service….but I digress). YOu made me laugh out loud. I have many of those same type of mom fail moments, in fact 21 years worth…you'd think I'd get more skilled. But. No. This has been a banner week as well. So, thank you for the laugh! And btw: you are some great mom!
My 11 yr old still reminds me about the time I rolled up the car window on his little toddler fingers. I pray they forget lots of the other stuff.
I was laughing the whole way through this.
I needed this – thank you! So glad to know I'm not alone!
Oh thank you! thank you, my friend. you have made me laugh after a horribly exhausting day w four boys under 5…with my dear mother in law witnessing all the screaming, fighting, whining, "I don't want to eat THAT!" craziness that happens within our home. Love your blog. Thank you for lightening up my outlook just from reading your words tonight.
I know I'm comment 2 milliion… but seriously, the dickwad comment in the sweet voice from the backseat – man I love you! Never have used "that" word in front of my children, although Gia has the vocabulary of a freakin sailor! That is not one of them… I'll send her to aunt Stacey for that vocab lesson in the near future! xo
Ack, this actually does make me feel a lot better about my own fails. The first one being dropping a phone on my two-day old's head. What a way to start motherhood!
i love your confessions. the parenting landscape would be a little less hostile if we were all as honest about our failings.(because we all have them. daily.)
All of my parenting missteps are forever etched into my children's foreheads….as scars!
I feel better because I can't stop laughing! You are so much better at describing your parenting foibles than I could ever be!
My worst occured when my daughter was a few days old. I was giving her a bottle, and my son wanted a drink. He kept coming in and out of the babies' room jabbering about juice, and good juice, and yummy juice… A-HOLE MOMMY left an unfinished alcoholic lemonade beverage on her night table from the night before. He drank a quarter of a bottle before I figured out what was going on. And yes, he definately got buzzed. Mother of the century award here. Ignore the older child and induce early alchol dependency here. I cried and my husband didn't.
Dickwad. Oh, you bad girl.
heehee
My 2 yr old boy decided to debut his new vocabulary word at the lunch table of my friend's veddy proper mother. "Crap!" he announced. "I (sincerely believing I had heard wrong) asked "What?" "CRAP!" Me, still not able to believe he is saying this, asks yet again. I got the same answer. He is now 22 and the proper lady has dementia and is much nicer.
Ok. I've met you only once, and then very briefly. I officially love you now. This is the most reassuring mama thing I've read in a LONG time.
Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check and CHECK (only I said "dipshit"). I love you Stacey!
This does make me feel better…because now I know that it's completely okay to do the things that I do.
Thank you. If I were the type of girl to write LOL, I'd be doing that right now. But I'm not. So I didn't.
I love you so effing much.
I DO feel better, but mostly because now I know it does happen to everybody!
Good to know it happens to everyone!
When my 3 yr-old told my mother "don't touch my GD finger" (he didn't use initials), I worried that he might use the same expletive at the Baptist daycare. When he told my husband…okay, when he told me that "We shouldn't say GD-it because it makes Jesus really sad", I knew he had. [Sigh]