There are stories all around us. The mailman who walks with a slight limp and stops for five minutes every day to throw the ball for Hampton. The dreadlocked barista at the Espresso Hut, tight and round with her first child. The man at Costco with metal arms who tells my kids he’s a pirate. The quiet woman with a spaniel who gives Hampton a treat every morning at 7:05 a.m. You don’t have to hear the actual words of the tales. You can find the paragraphs in heartbeats, the chapters in tears shed. It’s all there, written on reams and sheaves of minutes and seconds and hours.
It makes me furiously sad when “inta.ctivists” attack a grieving mother for decisions made in what became the final hours of her child’s life. It makes me nauseous when extreme anti-adoption advocates call me and parents that I know and love and cherish slave owners. It makes me cringe when we throw around words like bigot with casual confidence in our supreme rightness.
Stories ripped. Chapters slaughtered. Real lives consumed by the slash and burn tactics of a few. Their tales left charred and cold in the ashes of the bonfire of the book of life.
I used to think that giving soda pop to a baby was the poster move for bad parenting. What was to argue? I barely give my kids juice. I think the devil invented chocolate milk. Could you care any less about nutrition? About chemicals? About sugar and HFCS and useless, wasted calories?
Then, I met a mom. She’s young. She’s single. I’m her mentor, in theory, though I’m not sure I qualify for that title. I’ve learned more from her than I could ever have to teach. She works so hard. She works so hard at just making life work. She works long hours for money that barely provides their basic needs. She works at the relationship with her baby’s father. She works at learning to manage money and think ahead. She sometimes runs out of diapers between pay checks and she goes to the food bank where they will give you five diapers at a time. She works at staying above the chaos and drama of her family’s life. The 911 calls. The ER visits. She works at boundaries when the adults in her life have none. She works at staying honest when the adults in her life commit felonies.
Every Sunday, before we meet, she stops at McDonald’s and gets an extra large sweet tea. The super size that sells for $1.00. It’s her treat to herself and her daughter and she settles beside me at the indoor mall playground of the faded floor and gigantic rubber mushrooms and fills her daughter’s sippy cup with sugar-filled, caffeinated liquid. I watch the clear plastic behind the pink octopuses and fish turn deep brown and I smile at her.
You should see how her daughter runs into her arms. She’s a solid, square little thing with a booty to die for and wild curly hair. You should see how she smiles when her mom scoops her up and plants juicy raspberries on her chubby side, just above her hip. You should hear how she laughs.
I am ashamed to tell you that I have mocked parents at the state fair as they handed their kids soda pop. I have rolled my eyes. I have exchanged glances with Matt that spoke volumes of our prejudices and our perspective. But, if you saw us at the mall, sitting side by side on the grubby vinyl bench that rings the rubber mushroom forest. If you passed us as she poured her sippy cup and you rolled your eyes or you commented or you tweeted, I would take you the fu.ck down.
No. I wouldn’t. I have scrawny, pathetic little arms.
I would wrap my scrawny arms around you from behind and hug you as tightly as I could. I would kiss your cheek and put my hands gently on either side of your face and look deep into your eyes. I would lean close to your ear and I would whisper. Shhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let’s not tweet. Let’s not talk. Let’s just listen. I’ll help you and you help me. If we do it together, we can let go and we can hear them.
There are stories all around us.
You have a knack for making the hair stand up on the back of my neck and tears come to my eyes.
We cannot know all the stories therefore we should not judge… it's amazing how many experts there are among us. I'm glad you are seeing the other side and won't be rolling your eyes at the fair anymore. :)
Good grief, I should know by now to get a tissue before I read you. All your posts are so moving, so well-written, so annoyingly good…
Excuse me, now I have to go rethink spending so much time blogging about The Real Housewives….
Also – who on EARTH could possibly be opposed to adoption? What do they advocate instead? Do people really have so much time on their hands they can waste it like that? If they want to hate something, at least choose something that deserves it. Jeez. Color me boggled.
Perfect. oh. perfect for today. any day…but for this october afternoon.
Hey Deb, thanks. These are people with very extreme views, but there are a lot of big problems with adoption and there is a need for reform. Forced surrenders happen, dishonest baby brokers exist. It's not a perfect world. But, that is certainly not the case in every, or even most, adoption stories. Most agencies are ethical, most adoptive parents care deeply that the child they adopt truly needs a family and there are so many children that need families. I don't know if any issues are as simple as extremists would like to make them?
You made me tear up. Because I've judged the soda-giving moms, thinking there is just no reason for that. But, you're completely right. Everyone has a story. And we shouldn't judge.
You know, like that my 2 year old was just in a diaper when I dropped off his brothers at school today. No judging, please.
Beautifully written. And thank you- for making me think twice.
I used to judge too. Sometimes I can't help myself from doing it now. I try really hard not too now.
One thing I've learned this past year? We all do the best we can. Sometimes, a lot of times even, it just won't be up to other peoples standards. Doesn't mean that little girl, or my kids won't end up amazing adults.
I've done things this year that I wouldn't normally do. I can't apologize for that. I shouldn't have too. I've done the best I could, given what I had in the moment. Perfect, nah? But what's perfection really?
Even before this year, I did things that other parents wouldn't do. Things like buying my kids vanilla steamed milk at Starbucks, which has gotten me shit from other moms. Shrug. Life happens. We all make choices.
Sometimes I am uncomfortable reading about myself – being of the judgy type. But I'm learning that the bit of squirmy feeling means that I am feeling convicted and that I should pay attention and learn something. Thank you.
@Shell Ha! None from me.
I just want to add that I'm not really talking about "judging" here – although I know I talk about that a lot. I still judge it wrong to give kids soda. I roll my internal eyes ;-) I don't think it's the best parenting choice in the whole world, but knowing someone's story and how hard they try and how much they love makes a huge difference.
Holy crap. You are so right. I'm getting better about not making decisions about people based on stuff like that. Better–but I still have work to do. Thank you.
God-if only the world could learn this type of tolerance and acceptance. Then, I would truly be proud to be bringing my children up in it.
You're making me tear up at work again. Knock it off.
Yes, listening to the story makes all the difference. I used to say that I don't really like People, but there are people that I like. Now I just think that most People are people I don't know yet.
(Of course, there ARE some People that aren't worth getting to know.)
Thanks for the reminder. I can't even begin to remember all the things I said I would NEVER do when I had a baby, starting with no pacifier which she got when she was six hours old. And as she gets older I see myself doing things that made me roll my eyes in my childless days. It's so easy to be sure we know what's right, but what we need to know is that we just don't know anything at all until we live the experience.
Beautiful, my dear. And I might add that it's worthwhile to remember that there are times when we should be slightly less judgmental towards ourselves.
And that. my dear. is why we love you so very much. judgmental asses and all.
thank you.
beautiful. thank you
Thank you. You know how you relate to a person in a story. I feel a bit torn… because I am both of these. Not long ago, I was a professional women, busting tail, watching other parents, thinking, I'll never to that and I must do this. NOW… I'm the single unemployed mom, hitting the food pantries, busting tail to stay above board financially, joyfully, and building those boundaries you spoke of when family not only has no idea of what they are- but doesn't respect them anyway. Wow. That's a blog post in itself. sorry. Thank you for sharing and helping. It's mom's like you, cutting the path and showing us your hindsight that helps make choices a bit easier– or at least make them with the best information.
I LOVE you. Seriously, I come here at midnight thirty knowing I need to go to bed but I "just want to read this one post…" and you completely wrap me around every word. Absolutely beautiful post that says a LOT about the person you are, Stacey.
I hope and pray people remember I have a story too when I publicly display less than stellar parenting practices ~sometimes~ it is about survival…mine…or maybe theirs (my kids)… we all have a story!
Love this post. Love.
You have a wonderful way with words and a great story to tell. Thanks!
I try my hardest not to judge. Thank you for this nudge. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yes, yes, yes!!!! Thank you for this amazing post, worded soo beautifully. I hope we all pause and take note!
(((Hugs)))
Thanks for the reminder. Always.
Today, as I sobbed hysterically through a scene that was not sad in a movie, I hope the people staring around me could know I have a story.
We truly just never know, do we?
I'm sorry people judge and hurt. If I ever heard anyone so those things about you I would take them the fuck down. And I would.
I love you. That's all. No it's not, one more thing, you are my favorite writer and I wish you lived next door to me!
"inta.ctivists"? What are those?!
And, yes, everyone has a story. Believe me, during a recent rough point in our family's life, I prayed that people who saw me tearing up in public for no apparent reason would understand that sometimes people are just going through a lot.
Compassion – we all need compassion.
You? Are amazing.
great reminder. my views on life and parenting have changed SO much since having kids… and i expect they will continue to evolve. i hate that i jump to judgy conclusions in my mind so often… thanks again for setting us straight :-)
Stacey, this is amazing writing. This is the reason I love reading you. Thank you.
This lovely post reminds me of a Woodie Guthrie song, "My Peace." Here's the lyrics (they're short):
My peace my peace is all I’ve got that I can give to you
My peace is all I ever had that’s all I ever knew
I give my peace to green and black and red and white and blue
My peace my peace is all I’ve got that I can give to you
My peace, my peace is all I’ve got and all I've ever known
My peace is worth a thousand times more than anything I own
I pass my peace around and about ‘cross hands of every hue;
I guess my peace is justa ‘bout all I’ve got to give to you
being a hospice nurse for years and years has taught me again, and again, not to judge. lord knows..i was a single, unmarried mum with my firstborn..that taught me a thing or two too.. noone knows the depth of sorrow others are going through. and if iced tea with sugar is a treat? then so be it. lord…once a week? not an issue. a woman once approached me in a department store when my firstborn was 6 months old. she was all.."would you consider entering into a competition for the 'blind society' (this was in australia) for a mother/dtr pic?" people would have to vote, and yadda yadda. when she found out i was a single mom? whoa…she backed right off and was all..sorry..can't do this. yeah. I know from judgement. your post is awesome tracey.
oh, Stacey. You're good. So, so good.
love.this.post- thank you for reminding us that first and foremost, we are all moms just trying to make it through.
Thank you once eagain, dearling,for starting my day with tears and a smile… at the same time.
I don't know how you do it !
I tend to facillate between hating people and liking them in general. But I so agree with that feeling of Look at me and I will take you down ..
When I had just had my baby boy, we were finally able to Go Out. We went to dinner in a family restaurant and my husbands friends met us … a nice couple, no kids, no clue.
My infant son started to cry , he was not a fussy baby, I bounced him, rocked him , gave him his bottle, nothing worked, he cried as if he were heartbroken.
Everyone in the restaurant was glaring at me.
I took him to the ladies room to change him, his little bottom was covered in blisters. I would scream too.
I wrapped him up, walked through the restaurant with him screaming at the top of his tiny lungs and glared back at everyone who met my eye, I stood by the table and said in a clear voice, We have to go, the baby needs a doctor. A lot of people looked away.
From that day on, I always said I did not give a sh*t what other people thought about me and my ways of mothering ( I was 22) .. and I also gave he and his sister coca cola :)
* he was allergic to milk … he outgrew it *
It would have been so wonderful to have a friend like you in those days.
Wow. So perfect and needed.
That is so beautifully written. This is my first time to your blog, but it sure won't be the last. I'm in awe.
How old is her baby? I have a gigantic box of size 3 Huggies that I will send her if she can use them! It's a long story how I got them, but I can't use them and I don't know anyone with a baby who wears that size diapers. I know that's not what this post is about, but I've been wanting to find someone who really *needs* diapers and your post and her story have touched my heart. Email me if I can help.
Perfectly said and a wonderful reminder. Thank you.
What a beautifully written post! Thank you for the reminder to stop and appreciate that we never know what other people are going through. Appearances rarely tell the whole story!
I'm glad for her to have a friend like you and glad for you to being able to admit that we all make mistakes in judgments.
So so true, well said lady. Everyone deserves to do what's best for them. I had huge issues with disposable diapers and non-breastfeeding moms because I knew how much money it saved. If you're poor, why wouldn't you do these things? Then I realized that resources are abundant for me, a low-mid class white girl with a mortgage and a paid-in-full car. It's right for me, but maybe not for you. And this is not what defines us, it is what makes us whole. We are a sum of the part, a bit of the equation, a moment in the circle.
Now, when I see a mom, any mom, looking as tired and crabby as I do, I give the slight smile and head nod, the glance that shares in the joy and hole that motherhood can be. No judgements, no details, just a shared effort in the end result.
You are a beautiful writer, thanks for sharing your story.
I gasped as I read this. I put up my hand to my husband as he tried to draw my attention away. I said, "just a minute; it's my friend, Stacey."
Beautiful. I am proud to know you.
Every person has a story….and thanks to bloggers like yourself, I'm learning to listen. I'm learning that all is not as it seems. I'm learning, blog post by blog post, to not judge any book by it's cover. I'm learning that the destination might be the same, but there are 100,000,000 different ways to get there. Because of this, I'm proud to call myself a blogger.
It is so easy to get caught up in the minutiae that we forget to look at the big picture. Like the iced tea, for example. We get the big, bad, caffeinated iced tea log stuck in our eyeballs instead of filling up on the boundless love. And that's the tragedy here… because those big logs are so easy to get hung up on when we should be navigating the bigger picture.
Beautifully thoughtful post that encompassed so much real world life.
You've come to some very wise conclusions for someone so young.
I have to laugh at how superior I thought I was so many times! 6 children and 30 years later I have learned time and time again that there usually is more to any story, that everyone has "stuff" to deal with. No judgment necessary.
This was amazing! :0)
Your words always stir my heart.
xo
You are so fabulous. This just made day.
I don't think I understand anti-adoption activists. At all.
you, however, I totally get. You are amazing
God, I've missed you. I have to stop doing so much shit I don't have time for the good stuff. Six weeks till the quarter is over….
Amazing post..not sure how I found your blog, but I'm sticking around.
Beautiful….
Lovely. And true. So easy to judge before we know the stories.
I worked in a domestic violence shelter for years. I once had a client who was constantly writing in a thick notebook. She would furiously scribble away whenever she had free time. She told us she was re-writing the bible. She all looked at each other above her head with looks of "coo-coo" in our eyes. We talked about whether or not this spoke of an underlying mental health issue that we needed to address. After she had been with us for a few days and was more willing to talk, I sat down with her. I asked her some questions about her writing project. She told me she was re-writing the bible because her husband twisted scripture to justify beating her. She wanted to rewrite those passages that he would take out of context so that he couldn't use the bible to justify beating her anymore. Once I heard her story, I was ready to offer to type it for her.
(And on that note…I have yet again started a blog post in someone else's comments. LOL)
Amen my sister. Promise to keep telling these stories so we remember to acknowledge all those other stories?
When I had me first daughter 15 years ago, I was SO that judgemental parent. My daughter never wore dirty clothes, never ate (or drank) junk, always wore her shoes outside,always slept in her own bed, didn't have a pacifier, was potty-trained at two…blah..blah..blah. I know totally obnoxous, right? That was six kids ago. Now I know that what matters is that they are safe and fed and LOVED.
lyrically spoken as always.
Every judgemental thought I've ever had has come back to bite me in the tookus. "No pacifier for MY baby" — thumb sucker until age 7 1/2, "my cousins don't really have food allergies, they are SO over the top" — child with MULTIPLE, life-threatening food allergies, "why can't that mother control her child; if she just . . ." — well, I think you can see where this is leading . . .
Your writing is tremendous. LOVE it and your point of view.
I adore you.
Compassion, empathy, quickness to love, slow to judge…. as usual you tugged at my heart and made me think. It's a lovely one-two-combo, do keep them coming. Life is hard, it breaks some people, we SHOULD stick together even if its just giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Compassion, empathy, quickness to love, slow to judge…. as usual you tugged at my heart and made me think. It's a lovely one-two-combo, do keep them coming. Life is hard, it breaks some people, we SHOULD stick together even if its just giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Another great post. I think we can all benefit from this reminder from time to time – I know I need it. Thanks!
Thank you. I love you for this post.
I heart you.
Wow! That was beautiful!
So very beautiful!
It is such a reminder that the whole story of someone's life makes up the small moments that we get to see.
That whole story makes a difference. It opens up hearts to love. It speaks peace. It shows courage. It can bring sorrow or joy-or maybe both. The whole story is a powerful thing.
something in this reminded me of some conversations I had with our daughter's birth mom when she was pregnant. all the preconceived notions and judgments to which she was subject, from those who knew her plan or not. it was enlightening.
I ADORE this post.
This really resonates with me. I often get criticized for "making excuses for people." But I prefer call it "giving them the benefit of the doubt." You never know someone's story and would't you feel ashamed to find out how cruelly you misjudged them.
Wonderful.
yes that is exactly it. that is one of THE things to learn, and you've got it. YOU ROCK.
Yes. Exactly. That's what I think when I read your posts.
I think what I'm learning is that I can judge actions or behaviors in general like giving kids junk without judging the person or story behind it. To me that's the key to being both a thinking parent who is always trying to decide what's best for her kids and a compassionate person who knows that we are all so thoroughly human.
You are always great at making me want to be less judgy. Thank you for this.
So often after I read your blog, the only thing I find myself able to think is "wow, she is unbelievably wise." Thanks again for another great read!
You write it and my heart feels it.
I'm sure if I knew more people's stories that I would certainly judge less. Thanks for bringing that to the forefront of our minds.
Wow! Powerful!
I still do that sometimes, that judging, all the while knowing I am being judged for my own decisions. We are such a messy, complicated lot, us humans.
Loved the post.
this made me smile, and weep, and – thank you.
Gorgeous. Beautiful reminder.
Oh, wow. I honestly got chills when I got to the end. Beautiful, awesome, amazing reminder.
I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to hear you read this at BlogHer.
It is an amazing piece that brought tears to my eyes and a little hope to my heart. I wish I could have connected with you while in San Diego to tell you in person.
The world can be so judge-y and I'm guilty of it sometimes too [hanging my head in shame], but if we just stopped every once in a while, we could be so much better off! Thank you for your words.
I'm following you now. :)
Tonya
Letters For Lucas
@letters4lucas
I loved hearing you read this at BlogHer. It's just as beautiful now that I've read it again.
I had read some of your posts before, and I will definitely be coming back. Love your writing.
Hearing you read this at BlogHer touched my heart.
Incredible.
Thank you so much!