“Hey mommy?”
I hate this driveway. I hate this driveway. “Hey mommy?”
“Just a minute, I’m trying to back into the street.”
It’s too narrow. I’m going to clip the gate. “Hey mommy?”
“FU-DGE.” No I’m through.
“Hey mommy?”
“Yes, Saige?”
“What’s in our lunch boxes?”
“Grapes and…” “Hey mommy?”
“Just a minute, Garrett. Carrots and a bagel and…” “Hey mommy?”
“…cheese. Yes, Garrett.”
“Do you know what “HEY MOMMY” the pumpkin is called in “HEY MOMMY?” music? “HEY MOMMY” NO! My turn.”
“IWANNATALKIWANNATALKIWANNATALK.”
“Quinn, Garrett’s turn. No, Garrett, what?”
“Titi.”
“What?”
“HEYMOMMAIWANNATALK.”
One block down. Lay Down Sally is on the radio. I like that song.
“Yes, Quinn.”
“Umumumumumumumumumumum.”
“HEY MOMMY?”
“NO MY TALKING!”
“Yes, Quinn. Quinn’s turn.”
“UMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUM. Hey momma?”
“Yes, Quinn.”
THESPIDERS!! IT’STHESPIDERS!!! THESPIDERHOUSE. MOMMA! LOOK! THESPIDERS! SPIDERS!SPIDERS!SPIDERS!
“Cool, wow look at that big green one.”
“I didn’t see it.”
“We’ll come back by on the way home.”
“I DIDN’T hey momma? SEE hey momma? NO! MY WANNA TALK.”
“Quinn, on the way home. Yes, Saige.”
“Is it Friday?”
“No, Thursday.”
“Oh, is it January?”
“No, October.”
“Oh HEY MOMMA? Is it Saturday tomorrow? HEY MOMMA.”
“Just a second. No, Friday.” “HEY MOMMY.”
“Oh, is HEY MOMMA it Tuesday HEY MOMMA after that?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe. Garrett’s turn.”
“But is it HEY MOMMY.”
“Garrett’s turn.”
Lay Down Sally over, flicking through stations, oh no, not that one, please no, they didn’t hear, please no.
“THE CHIPMUNK SONG. THE CHIPMUNK SONG!! GO BACK!! GO BACK!! THE CHIPMUNK SONG.”
Curse the chipmunks. Curse Katy Perry. Curses. And boils. And bat vomit.
Fine.
Ca-li-for-nia girls, they’re so UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING. Make it stop, my ears are bleeding.
My children are singing about melting someone’s popsicle on the way to Christian Kindergarten. This is why the should not let Jews into these programs.
“Ok. We have to turn it off in two minutes; we’re almost there and I don’t have enough brain cells left to waste them on the lyrics to this asininely catchy song.”
“Hey momma. Hey MOMMA? Hey momma?”
“Just a minute. Nate, you still alive back there?”
“Ah-ah-aaaaahhhhh.”
“He LIKES it. He’s DANCING.”
He totally is. Traitor.
“Ok. Off. Shhhhh. Listen. We’re almost there.”
“Hey momma?”
“Yes, Saige.”
“Can we take our buckles off?”
“Not until we’re in the parking lot. We’re still on the HEY MOMMA?”
“Yes, Garrett?”
“Can we take our buckles off?”
“No. We’re still on the road.”
“HEY MOMMA? Hey momma?”
“NOIWANNATALK. I WANNATALK. MYTURN. I WANNATALK.”
“Ok, alright. Relax. What, Quinn?”
“Umumumumumumumumumumum. Hey mommy?”
“NOIWANNATALK. Can we talk our buckles off?”
“NO! We’re still on the road, right? We’re sitting in contruction traffic because God hates me because I take my heathen popsicle melting children to his house for school.”
“Hey mommy?”
“No. Buckles on. Okay, now we are in the parking lot, you see? So you can take your buckles off, not you Quinn you are staying in the car with me.”
“I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL.”
“This is not your school.”
“I CAN’T GET MY BUCKLE! MY BUCKLE IS STUCK. THIS BUCKLE IS TOO HARD.”
“I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL. “
“Deep breath. Please find your nice voice to ask for help.”
“Our turn. Get ready. Hi! Good morning. I’m great thanks. Just shiny happy people holding hands in this car. Yes, Saige for Mrs. She—-’s Kindergarten. And Garrett. And if you wanted to take the howling three year old? Just kidding. Bye. Love you!! See you at pick up. Oh no, I’ll shut the door with the button. I can’t wait to shut the door.
Aaaaaaannnnnddddd Starbucks. Yes, I do love full day Kindergarten, thanks for asking. Sometimes silence is half the noise.
My children also sing about melting popsicles. I had to put a stop to them singing about disco sticks, though… :)
Please stop following so closely behind my vehicle with your camera crew. That's creepy.
In other news, there's an old, run down laundry mat on our way to church. For some God-only-knows reason it has some faded out fish painted on a sign. EVERY.FRIGGIN'.TIME. we pass by, and for the next 5 miles…
"Wook! Pish Mom, PISH!!!!! PIIIIIISSSSSSHHHHHHH! Mom! Pish!"
Yes I see the fish, Aaron.
"PIIIISHY MOMMY! PIIIIIIISHY."
So help me I'm painting that freaking sign. I don't care who sees me.
You totally earned your chai! Hope you enjoyed it and some semi-silence.
P.S. After only two years of parenthood, I loathe pretty much all children's music. Around here we call them "earworms" after humming or singing them all freaking day.
You know this one is a bit too familiar.
Add in, Mama, SISSY IS LOOKING AT ME WEIRD and you could be in my car each morning. Followed by NOBODY LOOK AT ANYONE!!!! MAMA, she's doing it again. Wahhhhhhhh.
Look out the window. Look at the floor. I don't care. STOP LOOKING AT HER ALREADY DAMMIT!
That dammit part? I swear to you always happens as I open the door. Then the most put together moms will be standing there chatting. Yep. Every dam time.
Umm… yeah, sounds eerily familiar.
Umm… yeah, sounds eerily familiar.
Dear Lord–I got a stress headache just reading that.
I'm so glad I only have to referee two voices in the back seat. . .
My 8 year old talks so much when we're in the care that reading of your time with yours makes me feel like I've got all of them wrapped up in my one! Also? He's taken a shine to Katy Perry's 'Teenage Dream' and hearing him sing about having someone put their hands on him in his skintight jeans makes me damn near run through red lights by accident!
Ok, what made me laugh is that in my head, I read every "Hey Mama" as if they were rapping it a la the Blackeyed Peas song. (Um, this one.)
I know, weird. But that's my brain for you.
Yep, yep and yep. I also scream at them to look out the damn window and not each other. Personally, I crank that music up and let them sing every vulgar phrase just to keep them from fighting.
Oh my good heavens….you have been in my car! In our case though, this scenario plays out on the way HOME from school every day. The littlest of my boys is in the car with me and is just bursting at the seams to tell his brothers everything he did that day. His brothers tumble into the car and start spewing at the mouth with all of the things they can't wait to tell me. It turns into a screaming match of "NO IT MYYYYYYY TURN TO TALK….BE QUIET BWUTHERS!!!!!!!!" Meanwhile, I'm just trying not to crash my minivan into the car in front of me because by this point my eardrums are bleeding from the shrieking coming from the back seat(s). In my case, the Starbucks run is replaced with a quick run through Sonic on the way home for a diet coke with vanilla. If only I could find a way to spike it with some rum*, my drive home would be infinitely better. Or at least then I wouldn't care who was talking!
*I jest. In no way do I condone drinking and driving!
Time to learn a new game…"Quiet Contest!" Works like a charm with my kindergarten girl, and it is a special car only game – even better! ;-)
My husband likes to listen to Kiss. So I have boys who like to sing about their "Love Gun." All together now…..EEEWWWWWW!!
Yeah, talk to me about how cell phones are too distracting. The only time I've ever caused an accident is when I rear ended (just a bump, thank God), someone when I turned around on an exit ramp to see what in the h*** my children were doing.
i'm so impressed that you turn the radio on. i've tried it a couple times and all they do is complain that they don't like my music.
My driveway is 120 feet of hell. No one is allowed to talk or there is no music on the way to school. I have hit, in no order my house, the stoop, the neighbors yard, the neighbors bush, my bush, a garbage can and almost took out a neighbor. I hate it. Give me parallel street parking any day!
i hate it when my kids notice and learn the lyrics to inappropriate songs. well, mostly. a little part of me giggles.
Will you hate me if I point out that I still have that conversation in my van and my kids are much older than yours are? Don't hate. It gives you wrinkles.
I've always dreamed of being an inventor so I can get rich and sit around eating bon~bons. Wanna invest in my idea?
So imagine a mini van that has a privacy screen ~ you know, like the limos ~ push a button and up it goes. The little screen would be sound proof ~ with one way glass… kids can't see me… but I can see them. That way if they choke I can help them… but I can also sneak into the box of cookies on the way home. Yep those same cookies that MIGHT ruin their dinner.
I'm on to something. I just know it. Moms across the nation would pay top dollar ~
Well….my then 8 year old, now 10 year old came home from her dad's house that summer singing "My humps, my humps, my lovely lady bumps". I about wanted to crawl under my SEAT! This past summer? She figured out what those lovely lady bumps were. Niiice.
My two year old? She watches out for where we are, and when she notices that we're almost home–like THREE, long, slow, miles away–everyday–she starts screeching at the top of her lungs "we're hooooome!" Over, and over and over and…
And when my 10 year old doesn't do something my 2 year old want's her to do? What else but "Damnit Emily!" comes spewing from her sweet little face.
I think I might be going to hell…
Oh, yours does the I DIDN'T SEE IIIIITTTT! thing too? This is comforting.
I have a mini-debate with myself nearly any time I think of pointing out a truck, horse, or whathaveyou while on the road.
Is there enough time?! HORSE! LEFT! QUICKQUICKQUICK!
'because God hates me because I take my heathen popsicle melting children to his house for school'
Hahaha! I had no idea there were others out there living the same weird life as we are. So happy to have found your blog!!
I can.not.wait. for kindergarten!
I linked up to you in a post today! Hope you'll play along. :-)
http://www.mamamommymom.com/2010/10/ive-been-tagged.html
Just tonight, I nearly put my preschooler in timeout for injecting every two seconds every time I tried to tell my husband something serious.
But you win.
And? I just got the melting popsicle reference after all this time.
Wow, I just got a raging killer headache just reading all of that! So glad that you have all-day kindergarten to look forward to! XOXO
OMG you were in my car today!!!
omigod I love it!!! You are so great at depicting that scene that every momma knows and my kids also love the popsicle song and Lady Gaga. They keep asking me what a disco stick is and my answer is still "um, i don't know"
Laughing hysterically … along with my 3 Big Kids that I shared this with. Dear 21 y.o. old says, "That is a bit over the top." to which I replied, "Oh my! Brings back memories. Remember? I had you 5 darlings in 4 years. Yes. This was exactly what my van sounded like."
We took our first cross country road trip … with 9 of our kids … when our youngest were just 2 & 4. Crazy, I know.
I kind of miss all of the little ones … but, my 8, 9, 10, and 11 year old do keep me busy enough.
Laurel :)
It was cute when I'd look in the rearview and see my daughter waving her hand in the air to Single Ladies, but I knew I'd have to make a change when I started hearing "my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps."
yeah.
Ironic, isn't it, that we usually want them to listen VERY CAREFULLY. Maybe we need to come up with a catchier tune for "wipe your behind" and "wash your hands!"
My kids have big problems with missing something on the road. I have learned not to say "oh, we already passed it." Silence is golden in that instance.
See? Why do we even teach them how to talk??
I am not feeling well and the idea of having little munchkins around making a racket makes me want to run and hide. I forgot the noisy part of being a Mom :)
But then, I do remember how f*ing quiet it is when they are not there and you sit and wait til time to go pick them up and then one day, you don't go pick them up, you wait for them to visit you.
:)
I never really heard a lot of "hey mommy" .. mine was
… Moooom … mom mom mom mommmmmmmmmm..
I always threatened to change my name to Dad.
Am I weird that I can't wait till all of my kids can talk to me in the minivan like that? I'm weird, I know.
I'm with Tracey. 13, 15 & 9 sounds nearly the same. MomMomMomMomMom. I keep the radio off – hostages in seatbelts – perfect time for parenting chats, driving lessons, ethics, morality of not driving like a maniac.
Also, no unbuckling until I'm in PARK. I've got a Middle Schooler who thinks he's practicing to become the next Evil Keneval – door open, out on the roll. oy.
I just remembered the time we were driving home from school… brother and sister in back seat, 5 years apart, both sound like 2 year olds bitching and moaning back there, they got me so crazy, I ran a stop sign – I was so busy yelling at them.
I will always remember that day, how crazed they got me and how lucky we were that I didn't get us killed.
I am re-thinking having more children now LOL
Weirdly, we have the same conversation in my car though I have only one child. How is it possible?
Just add smacks and shrieks from the back seat and this sounds very familiar.
This is why I let my husband take the kiddo to school. HA!
I get plenty of it other times though…
You're awesome for documenting it!
I read this to my 2 teens the other night, and we laughed hysterically.
Now … my 17 year old son will call out to me during the day, "Hey mommy! Hey mommy! Hey mommy! .." Too funny!
Okay, I love this a lot. One thing I enjoy very much is putting them in the car and taking upwards of 30 seconds to make it to my door. The car doesn't muffle ALL the noise, but it does get most of it.