If you’ve followed my journey for any length of time you probably know that potty training and I are not friends. I loathe potty training. If you don’t believe me, take a trip back to June and July, 2008. The summer before Ess and Gee turned three, wherein I answered the door in my bra, let Cue eat dirty toilet paper, oh and let’s not forget when I had to fish a ripe turd out of a pool.
And, don’t try to tell me about the foolproof method that you used to potty train your eight-month-old in two hours using nothing but double sided tape and dental floss. Don’t bother leaving me comments about the awesome video or book or hypnotic potty training method that has brain washed and indoctrinated you into its potty training cult. I don’t believe you. I love you, and I still think you’re awesome, but you’re lying. Potty training stories are like fish stories. Complete. Crap.
I have four kids and a horse that lives inside my house. The only way to potty train something that young and stupid is to spend 99.99% of your days, for a week or more, with its dim-witted little ass hanging over the toilet, until, by a sheer dumb stroke of luck it drops a load in the correct location. And THEN, you can’t be all, omfg, finally, I was beginning to think you lacked a frontal lobe. No. You have to say – “YAY!! I’m so proud of you that I have forgotten that for last five days you managed to shit and pee on my floor in the .01% of the time that you weren’t sitting on the toilet because I have to, I don’t know, eat? drink water? Let’s get you a chocolate treat for your amazing ability to soil whatever location your ass happens to be above.”
POTTY TRAINING, thoust other name is HELL. With inferno-like, pee-smeared floors.
I adore diapers and I see absolutely no reason to rush children out of them. What is the big hurry? They catch the poop and pee and hold it until one is ready to deal with it. That is a beautiful thing.
So. Cue turned three a month or two ago. Who’s counting? Shut up. I had no intention of potty training him despite the fact that he directs his diaper changes like he’s freaking Gershwin. Then, we went to his three year well baby check-up. I really like our new pediatrician. She is no nonsense and knowledgeable and her corn rows kick ass and one of these visits, when she is not squashing me like an insignificant bug with her eyes for my inadequate parenting, I am going to ask her where she has her hair done or if she does it herself.
We were mid-visit and she ran efficiently through a long list of questions about Cue’s development, speech, hearing, eating, physical abilities, etc., etc. I was nailing the answers, if I do say so myself. What’s that? Yes, yes, Cue’s well baby check up is all about affirmation of me as a parent. Why? Did you think it was about making sure he’s healthy or something?
“Is he potty training?” She asked me with her eyes fixed on the blue formatted screen before her.
“Nuh uh. Nope. Not really.” I gave a wide smile. Because, moving on, right? Who cares where the little darling puts his crap as long as I’m willing to wipe his butt. Which I am. Better his butt than my floor.
She turned briefly from her computer to survey me with Dr. Miranda Bailey-esque disdain.
“No,” I said in a small voice, “he’s not.”
“Does he show any interest in potty training?”
“Um, no, I don’t, not really, nope.” Abject, unending fascinating with the toilet doesn’t count, does it?
“Does he ask to use the potty?” All the time.
“No.” I met her eyes squarely. I could take the pressure.
“Does he know when he’s pooping or peeing and tell you?” Fully. Yes. With glee.
“Not that I’ve noticed.” Today.
“Is he interested in his older brother’s potty time?” Define interested. Likes to have his nose in the stream? Does that count?
“I mean no, I don’t really let him in there.” When I can stop him, which is never.
“Hmmmm. He should be showing some interest by now.” I started to sweat. I couldn’t sustain the lie, she was going to mark him as potty-delayed or something. I twitched a little when she raised her fingers as if to type something. But she turned back to me, placed her folded hands between her knees and leaned forward to convey the seriousness of the situation. “Developmentally, he should be potty training.”
AAARRRRGGGG. She pulled the “developmentally” card. At a well baby check up. I cracked like a thin-shelled egg.
“It’s me, okay, it’s me. He’s asked; I just don’t want to deal with it. I’m not ready.”
“He’s. Asked?”
“Uh huh.”
“What do you tell him?”
Oh god oh god oh god. The horror. “Go in your diaper?”
She turned her eyes slowly from the computer to my face and then back to the computer. I squirmed under the contempt in that gaze.
“I like diapers. I hate potty training. It’s disgusting.”
Stop talking.
“I hate to stop what I’m doing and clean up accidents or go to some gross public restroom.”
Stop. Talking.
“You know, he’ll pee on my floors. I’ll have to clean that gross little Elmo potty. When Gee trained, Cue ate poopy toilet paper. It was a fiasco. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
STOP TALKING.
“Diapers are so convenient. Don’t make me do it, I hate it so much, oh please, please.”
I might have been wrapped around her legs at this point.
“So, developmentally though,” she tapped the form on her screen, “he’s ready. He’s asking. There’s nothing wrong with the child.”
“Right.”
She turned pointedly back to her computer again. “I’m just going to mark here that he is appropriately interested in potty training for his developmental stage.” She emphasized the he to accent the point that I clearly was not meeting the developmental standards for a mother my age.
“Okay.” I laughed feebly. “I’m sure he’ll be potty trained the next time we see you.”
“At his four year check up?”
“Yes.”
All I have to say is that never have I ever been more glad that well baby checks are only once a year after two years old. He’ll totally be potty trained before I see her again.
I think.
Oh my god I rarely laugh out loud like I just did reading the end of this.
And Selma Hayak said in an interview that her daughter was showing signs of wanting to potty train but she was ignoring them because she dreads the idea of having to drag her daughter into disgusting public bathrooms. So even the rich and famous agree with you!
LOL …
Should I mention the friend who brought toilet covers and plastic things so she could take her child into a public bathroom ?
It was like a well orchestrated rocket lift-off, getting the landing pad prepared and the business done and the baby butt wiped and covered again.
I was soooo lucky, it was summer, he was about 2 and we had a beach house. He never wore a diaper during the day ..
Only toilet train in the summer :)
PS- would it make you feel any better that her grown son sees a shrink twice a week to discuss his phobias due to the potty training he went through ?
Just a thought ~
I am absolutely laughing my ass off.
And I need you to know that my first thought was, thank god it's not just me. Because I'm not even considering potty training Harrison until next summer. No way, no how. Despite the fact that he's verbal and half his day care class is being potty trained right now. NOPE!!!!
i love this. T was almost all the way potty trained – pretty much she was – and then she started being afraid of pooping in the potty. been down that road before and it took me two years to get off it. so I slapped diapers back on her butt, declared her "not ready," and now I tell her to go in her diaper until she's ready to do it all.
glad to hear your baby's right on track though :)
Oh my goodness! The funniest thing I've read lately. Loved this!
My friend's son refused to poop in the potty (pullups only, please). When he got mad at her he would yell to a group of moms "I poop in a pull-up and play with guns!"
You have NO idea how much I feel you right now. Except my son is FOUR years old and could care less about having a 100% track record in the potty.
And, he's not developmentally delayed – he's just determined to drive me crazy!
Next time look her straight in the eye and say loudly and proudly "he's ready. I'm not."
I have never ever heard of any child ever in the history of the world who started school while still in diapers.
When you are ready chances are that Cue will have minimal accidents and his training will take a fraction of the time.
I remember the turd in the pool post, it was my first visit to your blog… I've stuck around ever since and not just for the poop stories.
I am cracking up!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you! So funny and honest and awesome!!!!
UGH! I am going through this with my 3 yo. I HATE IT. It's so nasty and dirty.
When I told the Ped. he still likes to poop in his diaper he gave me a bunch of suggestions that I followed up with, "he's smart. he'll do it when he's ready." THE END.
This made me laugh hard, thanks. ;p
I am in this hell now. As long as I bribe him with M&Ms and a sticker *and* let him go pantsless he is fine. If anything changes all bets are off. Sigh.
Laughing out loud, alone at my computer with the windows open, neighbors must think I'm crazy, tears running down my face, my head nodding, yes, yes, that's me, those are my excuses/reasons too…omg, must reschedule her 3 year checkup now.
Laughing out loud, alone at my computer with the windows open, neighbors must think I'm crazy, tears running down my face, my head nodding, yes, yes, that's me, those are my excuses/reasons too…omg, must reschedule her 3 year checkup now.
I hate potty training with the burning fire of a thousand suns.
Hate. It.
I'm thirty-freaking-nine years old and still getting my foot peed on several times a week. 2010 is going to be the year of Complete Bathroom Independance if it kills me. Can. Not. Take. It. Anymore.
My husband came home one day complaining about a bad day at work. I fixed him with a steely glare and said, "did anyone at your job pee on your foot today? twice? No? Well, then I WIN"
lol-My son is 3yrs and 3 months and I feel exactly the same way. hehehe
I figure eventually his older (now almost 6) yrs old brother will teach him…or maybe right before his 4 yr old appt…maybe
let me know how it goes!
Jennfier
I've failed at potty-training, in a spectacular fashion, 6 times. 6. Try to catch up.
Trying to potty-train a toddler when he/she has a mobile younger sibling is really a disgusting nightmare. Also? I managed to make it 18 years into parenting before I had to let a kid poop in a restaurant bathroom. And, even then, it wasn't pretty.
i'm so not going to tell you about my almost eight month old.
SO funny!! I agree with a Broad – only potty train in the summer. A naked baby in the backyard is the only way to go! lol
At least now the appointment's over, you can relax for a while!
I with you all the way. Bathroom accidents, blood, loose teeth and snotty noses are just not up my alley.
I think it's time to tell/remind Matt that you did the first 2 the next two are his. And since he's a guy I'm sure he could have it looked after in a long weekend!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Omg, you had me laughing out loud! I love it!
Forget the doc, your kid, your time, your job to clean up the pee on the floor, your schedule :-D
This was the best thing I have ever read. After the constant. daily.struggle that potty training my 3 year old has bee, i'm soooo there with you. She still doesn't go consistently. She has chosen the potty as the hill she is going to die on. I'm over it. Fine. Pee in your pull up forever. At least I don't have to clean it up off the floor. *sigh*
BWHAHAHAHA…I feel the same way. That's why Andrew was 3 yrs 3 months when he PT'd and Hannah still hasn't. Hannah probably would, but since Chris stays home with her (and he is too lazy to do it), it ain't happening.
I laughed out loud. Thanks for that!
I feel you pain!!! It's half the reason I didn't have another kid :-) Oh, poor you. I'm giving you the best potty vibes I can manage.
Oh, I hate judgmental people like that. So he asked. Big deal. I bet he also asked for food and water and the human touch.
okay, this was great, i laughed so hard. i am right there with you on the potty training front, hate it, hate it, hate it. i stall every time until there is no real choice because they have basically made the decision for me. although i have never trained a girl, i have trained 4 stubborn little boys and it was no walk in the park…EVER!! just keep doing what you're doing..
oh. oh oh OH OH OH. i HATE potty training. loath it. despise it.
my boys were 4 when they trained — immediately preceding their 4th birthdays. i tried like crazy with my first kid — starting at 2. put my self through 18 months of hell. gave up sometime when he was three and right before he turned 4 I told him it was over and we were trained in a couple of days.
with my second kid i just waited until he was almost four (with some half hearted attempts here and there) it took him about two days.
really i don't care who judges me or how. i hated the whole freaking thing and am glad i never do it again.
I just totally snorted. I'm half-assing my 2-year-olds potty training, myself, and can totally appreciate your sentiment on both fronts, because I grew up with Great Danes. I feel you.
You rock!!
:) I completely understand.
So I have this magic wand, and when I wave it, my kids are potty trained. POOF! You wanna borrow it?
I HATE potty training. Thank God my pediatrician said not to even attempt with boys until they are 3. Because potty training is enough to drive me to massive quantities of alcohol.
You are a rockstar mom! "complete crap" I love it! And, yes, he will be trained by the four year old visit (it can be delayed, those vaccines are for between ages 4-6: you have time!!!)
HAHAHAHA. we don't rush potty training around here either. Casey was three and a half before we did anything and i expect jonathan will be about the same. as much as i hate man-poo diapers, the idea of potty accidents is SO MUCH WORSE.
thankfully our ped is totally laid back and couldn't care less when we potty train. her motto is 'don't push it'. AAAAAmen.
Ohhhhhh! I could hug you. I feel the same way. My first son was a piece of cake to potty train – he was in underwear by the time he was two. So I thought my second son would be just as easy. But OH MY GOD was I wrong. He's two and a half and only sometimes goes in the toilet, and only then, at my (reluctant) urging. I think he could be trained faster, if only I'd buckle down and do it, but diapers are ever-so-much more convenient.
I just hope he's potty trained before, like, his freshman year.
My little girl was easy. The boys…. oh the boys. I'm still trying to get them to pee in the toilet instead of all over it.
It looks like you are not alone! I am also with you on potty-training. My daughter wasn't so hard at 2.5, but I am dreading it with my son. He is not 3 yet, though so we have some time;-) If it will make you feel better, both of my kids still drink morning and evening milk from a bottle (and you have seen how old they are–gasp-shhh!) It is less mess and more comforting and I got tired of fighting my husband about it-I let him win on this ONE thing. I would never dream of telling our pedi though, and luckily it is easier to hide than a diaper.
I've endured Potty Training Hell….4 times. And EACH TIME, I spent a good 6 months wishing I could have the diapers back. Nothing's quite as fun as having a cart FULL of groceries, standing on line to pay, and hearing, "I gotta go potty."
One big reason I only have two children is that I didn't want to potty train anyone again.
Truda
Seeing how my 14 and 17-year olds still piss on the seat I would venture to say no boy is ever completely potty trained.
I'm guess Matt trained the horse?
Mine were both over three when they trained. I waited for them to be totally into it. I like diapers too.
I started too soon with my son and it backfired big time.
Just so you know for the 4 year visit….he needs to draw a fucking stick figure. That's the question that tripped me up this year.
Yes! Yes! YES! I only "trained" Gremlin when he started removing the diaper and peeing on the floor.
And of course well check-ups are totally about affirming us as mothers.
Oh my gosh! I laughed out loud at this post. Yes, potty training is disgusting and I'm still dealing with the potty – my son is attached to it. I have to hide it somewhere so I don't have to deal with the OMG big people sized poop!
My son is done (mostly) now I just have to get him on the big pot! Good luck!
LOL. Well I've posted before here about cloth diapers so I'll just pass along this thought: I was told they make training easier, ostensibly because with less absorbent diapers the kid is more motivated. I found that they do make training easier, but not for that reason: it was just training wasn't a huge deal here because I was already used to throwing bunches of pee-soaked wearable fabrics in the laundry …
Belly aching, tears streaming down my face laughing, and I needed it like you wouldn't believe.
And now I'm going to go click through those links because I'm fairly certain it was the answering-the-door-in-the-bra post that confirmed my love for you.
You. Rock.
I mean, we are through it and all – finally! But when I tried to train Pixie at 2.5 and she showed no interest? I was all sorts of psyched. Psyched! She was a few months away from four when we finally did it. And I have to say – she was so beyond ready it was a snap.
You have almost a whole year! Diapers are awesome.
I haven't personally been through the horrors of potty training, yet (baby due in 28 days), but I have witnesed it through my friends. And I think I just wet myself laughing so hard at this post.
Ok, I read the "don't try" warning and I will NOT try to apply my potty training toy your life! BUT seriously, fear of public restrooms? Hatred of cleaning out the elmo potty? You need to discover this thing:
http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=534860
You never have to touch the poo. It fits in your purse; no public bathrooms.
I have personally popped my kid on that thing at rush hour on the subway platform. (people can deal with it, they don't have to carry a kid with wet pants home) And did I mention? You never touch the poo. Good luck.
LOL!!! I was laughing so hard I almost peed MY pants at "don't try to tell me about the foolproof method that you used to potty train your eight-month-old in two hours using nothing but double sided tape and dental floss"……. YES! Finally someone says it! I am SURE that many kids potty train fast. Maybe even in two hours with no accidents ever. But MAN have I felt like an idiot for the number of accidents we have had when talking to those people. We did not potty train in a day, a week, or even a month. But we did get there!
My other favorite is "they aren't potty trained until they tell you they need to go instead of you reminding them". If it avoids an accident and the poop/pee goes IN the potty – who the hell cares how it got there??? All that matters is I did not have to clean it up! :)
OH.MY.STARS. That was the funnies things I've read in a sweet forever.
Only because TODAY…
My 2 year old, WHO INSISTS ON PEEING IN THE POTTY despite my demands of "Go in your DIAPERRRRRRRRRRR, that's why it's taped to your butt!"
The 2 year old sat naked in his booster seat, accident free all day, eating lunch. I step out of the room to talk to my hubs on the phone, I re-enter the room to him MIXING HIS CRAP WITH HIS FOOD AND EATING IT.
I'm with you. Let's form our own, "Wear diapers until you can change them yourself" club. You be prez, I'll be vice. We'll tackle well visits together. We've got a year to prepare.
The single WORST job a mother goes through in all of parenting.
Rock on sister!
After our emails the other day, I realized that I think I first started reading here when you were potty training the first time and answered the door in your bra. As I recall, there was a diagram accompanying.
I feel like our relationship has come full circle. Especially now that we will be potty training simultaneously. Assuming I don't put it off until they're 16.
Hahhahahhahaha! I'm the opposite, I think changing diapers is GROSS. I can't wait to hang his little butt over the toilet. But Xander has shown zero interest, probably because he rarely sees anybody his age using the toilet. Also because I keep suggesting it, and he deliberately ignores anything I suggest.
haahahahahahahh!!! i'm gonna wet my computer chair right here and now. that's toooo hilarious. i'm an international kindergarten teacher and i have one of your TWIN sisters as a mother of one of my students. he's almost FOUR. and his mama can spend hours and has spent hours going on and on and on and on about EXACTLY to change his damn diaper.
i finally put my foot down and started his toilet training WITH the help of ALL my co-workers, school principal included. he's been perfect ever since. so while you worry that he will have regular accidents IMAGINE just briefly that he can't be bothered with needing you to clean up after him…..
good luck mama
Hilarious! I couldn't agree with you more on the potty training thing. It's from hell. Although… I wonder if it will be better for you this time around. I have twins and the first time was awful with them. As you know, it's extremely difficult to train two at one time. This time, you just have him. It should go better. It did for me with my third. Although, I made her wait until baseball and soccer seasons were over and our summer driving vacation was finished until I was willing to attempt to train her! Basically, she had to be begging to go… Sad, I know.
BAHAHAHA! This almost made me pee myself! I am so with you! Diapers are great!! I always say no kid goes off to college in diapers. They all eventually figure the potty out!
Thanks so much for starting my workday with a chuckle. My daughter is almost 2.5 and I'm not pushing her either. If she goes on the pot, she goes. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Oh well. Great laugh. Thanks.
I am sorry you have Dr. Judgy McJudgerson for a pediatrician. You should just get all literary on her ass and tell her that potty training is the fifth circle of hell according to Dante. It's not true, of course. But it should be. And besides, she probably won't know it's not true.
I love you!!! That is all!
At least you're choosing it. Cupcake is 4 and she isn't potty trained yet, because I managed to fuck it all up. FUN.
Its those "squashing me like an insignificant bug with her eyes for my inadequate parenting" Dr. visits that also make me rejoice when they turn two and I don't have to live at the pediatrician's office anymore.
You made me laugh so hard. I love your honesty. Can I tell you a secret? I hated potty training so much that I enrolled my child at Kindercare (GASP- I KNOW RIGHT?) and PAID them 25 dollars a pay period because they had their own potty training program.
I can tell you in 6 short weeks my child was potty trained totally. Best 150 clams I ever spent, and I don't care if I am looked at as a bad mother because I let someone else potty train him.
This post is hilarious. Potty training really is a nightmare. My only problem with diapers is the cost.
Izzy potty trained at two, and I had to clean quite a few pairs of shitty underwear. Porgie potty trained at four, and I never once had to wash her shitty underwear. Take it from me, just wait until he is four.
Ok, I just went back and read your bra-door-answering and tp-poop eating stories. I don't BLAME you for hating potty training. I hate it too and I don't even have that many reasons. I would gladly send my kids to college in diapers if I could….
Ha! Thanks for writing that. It's so damn true.
Now that my little guy is potty-trained (sort of) we have to carry his potty with us everywhere and it totally sucks. On a 7 hour flight, I had to put his potty on the floor just outside of the bathroom and let him pee in it there because he was afraid of the bathroom. I thought the flight attendant was going to kick us off the plane.
Loved the description of directing the diaper changes…ha!
Ok, boys are hard. HARD. Both my boys fought me tooth and nail. Justin was "trained" at around 4 and Evan at around 3.5 I use that term loosely, though.
Corinne made a believer of all of the potty training tales of yore. She trained herself by 18 months – 2 years or so. I fought it. I did. She couldn't be ready!! CRAZY. Diapers were much easier….
No way. Having a kid FULLY trained rocks. TRAINING sucks. I understand your pain. I truly do. But if he's ready and asking, do you really want to squash the possible window you may have that he WANTS to do it?
I'm soooooooooo glad I'm past potty training.
I'm a terrible parent, I let the daycare provider do most of the potty training. Unfortunately, that's you in this case. Bummer.
Wish I had words of advice or comfort, but potty training sucks butt. Literally.
That was the funniest thing I have ever read!!!!
When my son was two, he saw his boy cousin's neat Ninja Turtle underwear. He told me he wanted some, and I said "only boys who go in the potty can have something so wonderful".That was it…he was potty trained!My daughter, on the other hand, was getting ready to go to a pre-school which would only take potty-trained three and up. I tried everything with her, and no dice. My husband came home, after having been deployed to Somalia for nine months for a month's leave, and swore he'd have her "in big girl panties" before he had to go back. She defeated him.She was days from turning four when the most wonderful thing was put on the market…Pull-Ups. I was in love! She could go to school, finally!Do you know that wretch NEVER,EVER had an accident in them? She wore them until there were none that would fit her, and by then, she was starting the first grade! Did I feel like a failure? You bet! But that girl has never been anything less than a joyful, wonderful, smart human.She is now a junior in college, and has had a 4.0 GPA her entire university life, to date. My point is this; your son's body will tell him when it's time to be potty trained…or he'll be going into first grade.Whichever comes first!
I was sooooooo not worried about potty training my boy, who is only 22 months, by the way, and dreading when I have to potty train. And so what happens, he decides he wants to train EARLY. Dammit. I am not strong enough to resist his baby words asking for "poo poo" (meaning potty, in his case) and he's actually really good at it. Dammit. I homeschool, so that means juggling twin 4.5 year olds' endless questions, glitter throwing crafts, etc. etc. (imagine all your worst nightmares!), interspersed with demands every 20 minutes to "potty" from a not yet fully formed little person who should still be pooing in a diaper. Dammit. I guess I should be either grateful or stronger willed, but I am neither. Ok, maybe a little grateful to get training out of the way with this one, like ripping off a band aid.
You are hilarious.
I read some book when my son was an infant about how no matter what you do, they will potty train themselves sometime before they turn 4. So I stayed really casual. Three came and went, and his daycare was stressing that he was the oldest kid in the class that wasn't out of diapers. But I talked to some child developmental experts and they said to let it ride. So I did, and right around 8 months after he turned 3, he just started using the potty all on his own. It was so hard not be swayed by what other kids were doing, but he'll do it when he's ready with less emotional scarring for both of you.
this is absolutely awesome and I'm with you- potty training SUCKS.
My issue is that IT NEVER ENDS. I have a son who is 4y 3 mos and has been training for 2.5 years (!! overzealous daycare provider!). He still has poopy accidents all the time because he holds it in (I know some kids do it bec they are constipated and it hurts but that's not his problem). I'm so tired of cleaning poopy pants and trying to convince him to use the potty!
My daughter is 2.5 and she isn't that interested yet but I'm dreading it…you can't let a girl go on a bush at the playground…
GOOD LUCK!
Wow – you have a lot of comments on this…
I have no advice. I suck at potty training and never really pushed it. In fact, I didn't bother really "trying" (which would mean, beyond giving them a lollipop to enjoy while sitting on the potty seat and doing NOTHING) until they were three. BUT – that said, the reason I waited is that everyone I knew who worked on potty training before three had lots of accident stories. Everyone who waited, potty trained their kids over a weekend (sometimes with NO accidents).
Even with my late potty training – my kids still had their fair share of accidents. But it took far less time than it would have if I pushed it at two.
And I miss diapers all the time. Particularly when public-bathroom-obsessed George wants to use the bathroom in a restaurant and public-bathroom-phobic Oliver and Eleanor run for the front door. Always when I take them out alone. The only thing that makes me resist putting them all back in diapers is the memory of my 6 year old neighbor, Jonas coming over shortly after I got Oliver potty trained and got rid of the diaper pail on the first floor and saying, "hey Kate – your house doesn't stink anymore." Awesome.
I love this post. I've read it completely two times plus. It must be because misery loves company and I too, hate hate hate hate hate the fact that we have to give a cheer and a chocolate (or a single smartie in my cheap ass case)when the potty trainer finally makes a mind-body connection and "aims" for the toilet, all while we teeter for hours on the cold thin edge of the tub….
Oh, Lord–not only are YOU hysterically funny, my dear girl, but every other comment made me laugh, too. My "baby" is now 22, but some memories never die. He was one of those "holders" who resisted pooing. I got a call from the school office one day when he was in 1st grade asking me to bring a change of clothes because he'd had an accident on the playground. I arrived at the office to be directed to the bathroom next door by a very pale and shaky secretary. I understood why when I opened the door to find poo everywhere except the light fixture. Massive amounts of hand soap and paper towels later, he was re-dressed (nobody, however, mentioned to bring shoes,too, so they were still a bit, shall we say…fragrant?)and ready to rejoin his class as if nothing had happened. Boys. My older daughter's worst training event involved my friend's child who took her back to the bathroom with her at a restaurant (Mexican, these details stick 37 years later) and lifted her waaaay up onto the "big potty". After several minutes I went back to check, only to find the Ladies room empty. Yes.She was next door, sitting in the urinal, in the middle of a very prolific dump. Pass the Clorox.
Eventually, they learn to take off their own damned piaper and just potty train themselves. Really. They do. Especially with older siblings. At -least- by the age of five, if not sooner!
Thank you. I thought it was just me. I WANT THEM TO WEAR DIAPERS FOR A LONG LONG TIME. UNTIL THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES (THEIR BUMS, THE TOILET, THE FLOOR, THEIR LAUNDRY, ETC.). Sorry, no more all-caps.
My adorable practically-perfect (ha ha) little almost-3-and-a-half-year-old actually stood today at the toilet. He had to go potty. And he was on the stool, ready. Except, he hadn't pulled his pants down. He was waiting for ME to do that, and he stood there and peed in his pants. And socks. And shoes. IN FRONT OF THE F-ING TOILET!!! He wanted me to do all the work, to get him ready. I'm still in awe over this.
i feel your pain. first born trained herself in two days aged 17 months. i kid you not. she was 'ready'…second born? in order to get into a montessori preschool at 27 months? he had to be potty trained. I bribed him with M&M's. He (being strong willed) resisted for about 8 hours..then the lure of chocolate was more than he could stand..he got the hang of it, and voila! montessori school here we come! third born? not so much. at age 3 was completely resistent to potty training. i finally resorted to the M@M thing… and … eventually it worked. i tried not to make a big deal of it.. but i felt for her. she just wasn't ready. but her daycare was. awkward. she's now in 3rd year of architecture and doing well, and has full control of her bowel and bladder :)
Here, here! I wrote an "I'm not ready" post about this same topic when told by an "expert" {seriously, potty experts??} that we should be starting the training as early as 18 months. No. freaking. way. Glad to know that with my guy at 26 months, I still have plenty of company in the Anti-Training Camp.
I almost peed on the floor myself reading this. God, I love this. I only have one child but she was ABSOLUTELY uninterested – knew what it was all about, just didn't care. My husband and I read everything we could get our hands on, and then he said one day,"you know, what all this advice has in common is the presupposition that the child WANTS TO PLEASE the parents." We gave up. A few months before her 5th birthday I (oh so casually) told her that when she turned 5, her body would tell her when she needed to go, and she would use the potty automatically.
And. It. Worked.
PS I kept seeing your tag on other blogs and reading it as "Anonymommy." Which would be awesome too.
I love it! Thanks for the laugh!
I have to, sheepishly, say that I was damned glad that the girl was basically potty trained at daycare. It was a huge blessing, because it might have broken me. I feel for you.
Best post ever!!! I just cleaned up pee off the floor (3 feet away from the bathroom) from my 3 year old daughter, for like.the millionth.time…Ugg!!!!!
oh shit, stacey. i love that you can honestly make me laugh out loud.
In an attempt to cheer you up, more money for chai lattes, and excellent blog inspiration!!!
i freaking love you! I am laughing hysterically right now because I completely AGREE!!!
My middle guy just turned 3 as well and why oh why do we have to push potty training??!! they won't go to college in diapers, right?!
hysterical – love it! (however, also think 3 is too old and to be honest harder to do at that age – but i'm NOT judging!)
I am laughing so hard right now, first because you are REALLY funny and second, because I have a give away going on for a potty training kit that I just posted on my blog TODAY. Please, you MUST come enter to win… ;P
I'm literally doubled over with laughter…
This is THE most hysterical post I have read in like forever.
OMGosh this is soooooooo totally me. Is it bad I hired my sister in law to potty train my youngest son? Is it even worse I am still to this day proud he was trained by 3 and a half (the earliest PT'd son I have)?
Is it even worse I LIED to my mother about son #2's potty training?
I am still laughing. I may be laughing for like forever….
i love you i love you i love you. ohmygod!!!!!