Quinn choked on a carrot. He’s a crammer. I don’t know why I’ve been sent a crammer, but I suspect that some malign, capricious spirit of mischief and unpleasantness in the universe has taken a disliking to me because there is nothing – nothing! – that children can throw at their parents on a day-to-day basis that I fear more than choking. It approaches phobia level. It’s something about the fact that they can’t breathe and I am responsible for making them breathe again, post haste, before their lack of breath damages their little brains or worse, that, you know, frightens me a little.
He choked badly. Not the horrific, “I crammed my mouth so full I have now triggered my gag reflex and will hork my dinner back onto my plate and all over your table in a disgusting example of how nature protects toddlers from their own stupidity.” This was the real deal, the “I am not making a sound or gagging because I can’t get any air past whatever is in my esophagus, buggy-eyed choke.”
I hadn’t been watching him. I was in the room, I had even been sitting at the table eating and feeding Nate just moments before, but the puppy finished his dinner and Garrett wanted more water and Nate had used sweet potatoes and his body as a medium of baby expression in the performance art genre. I hadn’t been watching him and I hadn’t cut up his baby carrots because he likes them whole, oh my god, gnashing of teeth, thrashing of toddler torso, drama! despair! rejection of this pitiful, unacceptable, OFFENSIVE baby carrot that hath been CUT into PIECES by a KNIFE. The gall. The … HERE! HERE IS YOUR WHOLE BABY CARROT PLEASE TAKE NICE BITES DO NOT CRAM THE WHOLE THING IN YOUR MOUTH.
I teleported myself to his side of the table and yanked him up out of his chair except that he had fastened the buckle on his booster because that is what you do when you want to kill your mother with fear. You fasten yourself into a seat and then stop breathing so that she must undue a buckle with her trembling hands before she can throw you over her knee, face down, head slightly lower than your chest just like it says in the baby and toddler choking section of her don’t-let-your-children-die-on-your-watch book and pound you on the back.
If you really want her to lose her shit, after all of this, still don’t breathe. Which is exactly what he did. I hit him twice hard and nothing happened and I had this moment where time ceased to function properly and in about a second my brain saw the page, the exact page, the exact sentence where it says if it doesn’t work, call 911 so that they are on their way and then keep trying, while I simultaneously had a conversation with my panicked self. Now?! Call 911 NOW?! Or try again and then call?! I also whacked him twice more in the same second, I swear to you, while I was deciding.
He coughed up an entire baby carrot. The entire baby carrot, I suppose, that had been recently blocking his airway, pulled it out of his own mouth, turned his head to the side and said, “too much, momma, too much in my mouth.”
I set him in his chair and took my jellified appendages into the kitchen so that I could cry and eat a handful of m&ms. Everyone knows that a handful of m&ms cures everything and what? I want chocolate when I’m shaky. Standing in the doorway of the kitchen, popping clandestine candy into my mouth, watching them finish their dinners, another scene overlaid the quiet one before me. Same room, same kids, but with lights flashing in front of our house through the big front windows, lighting our dining room with an ominous circling red.
Someone will read this; I know it’s true; Someone will read this and think, what a terrible mother. She gives her toddler baby carrots? And then he chokes and she writes about it like it’s funny? It won’t surprise me when one of her kids [chokes to death] [substitute anything here/ drowns/falls/gets hit by a car/pulls something over on himself/breaks his neck in any number of clearly unnecessary ways preventable by the "perfect" every vigilant parent]. I know someone will because I get those emails. This is funny? You find this amusing?
No. I find it terrifying. I find it too much some days when my toddler has just choked or my stroller has just tipped over with my baby in it or my four year old has just fallen from the top of the slide. I find it too much. This place where I am. Too much responsibility. Too much room for error. So many places to go wrong. Too much to remember. Too much to attend. Too many places for attention to slip, so many permutations of fatal errors that one’s brain could seize up into an anxious ball and fail to ever move again.
Too much love. I have so much to lose.
I have so much to lose. So much joy. Such happiness. Endless fun. Days filled with laughter and tears and peanut butter and jelly and snuggles and stories and dancing and bedtimes. I am a great mother, a mother who plays with her kids, a mother who breastfeeds, a mother who is strict about bedtime, a mother who doesn’t do crafts, a mother who occasionally leaves her kids in the car, a mother who yells, a mother who has said to her kids, whether the New York Times thinks it is something to be mocked or not, “Find something to do for a while, I’m writing a blog post.”
Because when it is all too much. Too much to bear. Too much to remember. Too much to hold onto to. Too much to process alone. Too beautiful. Too scary. I set it down in writing and sometimes, someone out there says, I’ve been there too. In the writing of it, in the sharing, I do see the humor. I see the humanity. I see that it is one moment; one mistake; one success; one misstep out of a million moments and mistakes and successes and missteps and even if it had ended another way, with flashing lights and terror and grief, it doesn’t make me bad. Or you bad. It doesn’t make someone “wrong” and someone else “right.”
It’s just life and life can be too much.
M&M? Leave the blue ones, they’re my favorites.
Oh my goodness. I've been there, Andrew somehow sucked a piece of pear out of my hand when he was 5 months old. I will forever and ever and ever be grateful for those infant CPR classes…
Hug 'em a little tighter tonight, and whisper a prayer of thanks through those blue candy-stained lips. :)
My third child choked on peanut M&Ms when she was two. She put two in her mouth instead of one, because she saw ME put two in my (much bigger) mouth. I DIDN'T know what to do, but turning her upside down and pounding her back seemed the only option (I found out later that it was the right thing to do), so that's what I did. The M&Ms did finally pop out, but not before her lips turned blue. To this day, it is still the most terrifying thing ever and I am forever scarred by it and one of my children choking remains the thing which I most fear.
OMG – this is SO stressful. I am so happy it all worked out alright. Seems like you were incredibly functional under the circumstances. My kid learned the term "choking hazard" at the age of 2. Still now, I tell her to stop moving around when she eats "crunchy item x". She's all, like, "Yes I know, Mummy, it's a choking hazard."
I had my first choker when I was babysitting. I was 15 and in charge of triplets, then 1. (There was another sitter as well, and also a 5 year old.) One of the little ones decided to inhale a rock while we were outside playing. Scariest thing ever. While I threw a little one over my legs to slap the unknown object out of her tiny mouth the other sitter grabbed the phone (within arms reach) and was ready to dial 911 as the rock was expelled.
I thought I was going to die of heart failure at 15. Of course the toddler was back playing with her toys in minutes like it was no big thing.
I'm glad everything worked out for the Good. These things happen, to vigilant and good parents, every day. Kids cram. They don't get that a whole carrot in their esophagus will kill them. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I, too, have a crammer and it is good for about 20 new gray hairs a week. It's far and away my number one day to day worry. My heart is pounding just thinking about it!
So glad things turned out all right. You know of course, that I completely relate to this, as I think most moms will. My question is, why is it too much for moms and dads don't seem to take any of this on? It's not because I'm the one home with them, it's definitely bigger than that, but I do not understand it. Sometimes I find myself wishing he would worry more so I could worry less, but in my heart of hearts I know nothing would really make me worry less.
Again, thankful for the happy ending. You can have all the blues, I like the greens. Shut up. ;)
Terrifying. And one of the reasons I really, really need to take a cpr/first aid course. Would probably make more sense that constantly, constantly berating my boys for leaving small toys about the house for the baby to stuff into her mouth and choke.
shudder
I'm glad Quinn is ok … I think it scares us more than it does them… perhaps a good thing.
I'm so glad Quinn is ok. And having M&Ms in the kitchen after such an event is entirely reasonable.
And I'm never lett my kids have carrots again.
Something similar happened with Anne once. I remember sending up this very elegantly worded prayer, along the lines of "Nooooooooooo!" and then she spit it out and time resumed.
And I only had one to deal with….
Oh My God – what a horrifying moment. I'm so glad he is ok – and you? You will be ok in a few days. Keep eating those M&Ms.
Oh dear god i could barely breathe just reading this!! Has your heart rate returned to normal yet?
I remember one morning I plopped my (until that moment) immobile baby in the middle of my enormous queen sized bed while I… used the facilities about 7 feet away. And then, as if in slow motion, I see her headed head-first for the floor and couldn't stop her. After some screaming, she was fine of course, but I'd been scarred for life.
you can have the blue ones, they're my least favorite.
About two or so weeks ago Jonathan choked on a piece of apple. For the same reason. Screaming, melting, puddles of horribleness if the pieces are too small. So, I give in.
It was the most horrible moment.
All I could think of as it was happening (and as somehow I was functioning on automode, bending him over, smacking his back and screaming [SCREAMING] "cough!!!") was that I was going to have to call Wes and tell him that his baby died (that I killed his baby) because I was not in the mood to listen to whining.
Thankfully *thankfully* I was in the room. Because I'm NOT always… dishes, laundry, impatience… all take me away from the room sometimes. But THIS time I was there.
Afterward, (well after he expelled a giant piece of apple and after he threw up all over me) he said 'oh, sorry mommy, I eat too much and make a mess.'
I'm glad you write. I feel overwhelmed too.
You've written many amazing posts…but this might be my favorite. xoxo
OMG I just had to call poison control last week bc my 9 month old ATE A DISHWASHER GEL TAB. Freaked me out.
And, yes, the responsibility of having their wonderful little life in my hands can get to me, but then when the time hits, I don't think. I just DO. Like you did. Glad all the kiddos are ok.
And I like green ones. Green peanut butter M&Ms. I'll join you with a bag.
OMG I just had to call poison control last week bc my 9 month old ATE A DISHWASHER GEL TAB. Freaked me out.
And, yes, the responsibility of having their wonderful little life in my hands can get to me, but then when the time hits, I don't think. I just DO. Like you did. Glad all the kiddos are ok.
And I like green ones. Green peanut butter M&Ms. I'll join you with a bag.
So scary. My daughter is almost 19 and I still remember the day she choked on pennies. I held her upside down and pounded until she threw up everything she'd eaten in her life (it seemed). "Three pennies, Mommy!" which we spotted in the mess so we both sat down and sobbed. It's such a scary moment.
I also had to reach down the throat of our dog to get a half-chewed rawhide strip, so there's that to worry about with Hampton Noodle now, too.
You did all the right things, right up and including the self-medication with M&Ms.
You said it so well. But you forgot the part where you need to call 911 and you think, "But no, what if I'm overreacting and I look stupid" Oh, just me? Pretty sure that does make me a bad mom…
I'm so glad Quinn is okay!
At least you moved. I am the one to scream "he's choking – do something – hurry -help" at my husband as I sit paralyzed in fear. God forbid one of them chokes when I am alone. What will I do? That whole no-breathing thing is the worst. Blood and broken bones I can handle…but dammit, breath!
Oh, and fire. Fire paralyzes me as well.
I think the humor is how Quinn just takes it all in stride with his matter-of-fact comment. Too cute.
yes, too, too much! so darn scary.
i am so thankful he is perfectly all right. i still carry around my 9th grade CPR booklet as some sort of talisman against having to take on this kind of responsibility. yikes.
Choking is one of my biggest fears. I have heard some horrific stories and it seems like even if you cut things into tiny pieces it can still happen, which horrifies me even more. I am so glad he is ok. What a scare!
Oh no. I'm so glad he's OK. And that you remembered what to do, and that it worked. Yes, so much to lose.
I have been there too. And I have a phobia of pretty much anything painful happening to children too. In fact my best friend's daughter calls small things "choking Hezras" because I am the one who is always worried about it, not her mama. I am a second generation worrier. My own parents would not let ME play with a tennis ball because they were afraid I would choke(I am not kidding you!!) I have gotten help. I just forbid ping pong balls and golf balls until the age of 4.
Just as I was thinking, "Stop explaining yourself, we KNOW you are a good mom, don't explain yourself!!!" you mention the bastard NY Times columnist. Yeah, kind of a crappy article, but screw her, we are moms to KIDS. Kids. It doesn't matter how perfect you are, or how intensely you watch them, things happen. Choking happens, falling happens, fits happen and we deal the best we know how and act out of love and OMG, kill us, sometimes we write about it so others can see that we aren't perfect but we sure as hell try and mistakes happen.
Soooo happy Nate is okay!!! Good work on your quick reactions. Sawyer is a crammer too. I hate it. He's choked several times but not the silent kind, just the kind where I cheer him on until he gags enough to barf and hide my fear and tell him it happens and it's okay. Damn cramming, it's not fun for the mommy!
Screw the ones who mock. I like the green M&M's.
xoxo
(Glad he's okay and glad you were there. You WERE there. And because you were there, he's still here.)
So glad he's ok!! My Bear did this as an infant. We called it "chipmonking" – the way he would put something in his cheek, his giant fat cheeks, and we didn't know it was there. One time, he'd grabbed a small piece of his older brother's scuba diver toy, it was in his cheek, I didn't know, and I laid him on the changing table. He made a chewing motion and before I could even look, he'd swallowed and it was stuck.
I freaked out. Pounding on him, it came up, slid back down before I could get my fingers on it, up and down again. Finally up, covered in blood.
I still can't stand to think about it.
You write so well, it's incredible. My son is sleeping and yet, I want to wake him up to make sure there is not a carrot in his mouth. That's how well you write! Thank you for being so honest.
Now, what do I owe you? Seriously. You are my new therapist.
I can't even read about a choking incident without crying. "I have so much to lose." SO TRUE. It is too much sometimes.
I've got a crammer, too. He calls one of my friends "Sloooowly" because that's what she says to him every time she sees him eat.
This is so terrifying. My SIX YEAR OLD just choked like this a few weeks ago on a piece of Kix cereal. You know you would walk out of the room when your six year old was eating, right? I normally do all the time. It's not like he's a toddler. Thankfully, I was in the room–and it was completely terrifying. I'm talking no breath, look of utter panic on his face, mouth opened, no sound, scare-the-pants-off-me. I ran to the table, grabbed his hands and pulled them up over his head, and just as I went to pound on his back, he coughed it up. He was terrified too. I will never leave them alone with Kix again, I'll tell you.
I'm glad you guys were both okay. I know that shaking panic feeling with a toddler (from another incident even scarier than choking). I send hugs and love.
I am so relieved that he is okay. My big fear is cars. Every time anyone I love gets in one I don't breathe freely until they are back on safe ground. If my fiance is even a minute later than he said, I instantly imagine him on the side of the road. We have so much to lose. So so so much. It's terrifying to love so much. But so worth doing.
Scary! All of us moms have been there at least once. I'm glad he's ok. And thank God for chocolate.
Ugh, I feel sick from reading this. And we've had choking incidents too….with 4 kids who hasn't. Andrew is a crammer too. *sigh*
Oh my god, how terrifying. Thank goodness for happy endings, the alternatives are too horrible to contemplate.
I think the industrial size bag of m&m's might be in order.
Choking is scary. I obsess about it too. If I have to be in another room of the house, I just want my kids to make some noise so I know they're not choking because you can't make a sound while you're choking. And yet — this will make you feel better — my baby who just learned to crawl found a crayon of my older son's and started eating it. Nuthin like using a toothbrush on your baby's little teeth to scrape off orange crayon.
Anyone sitting in judgment hasn't walked in your shoes. Those of us who aren't superheros recognize the need to laugh instead of cry (sometimes both).
Why do we never count the times they don't choke or trip or bleed? Why are we our hardest critics?
Good job, Stace, averting disaster yet again. And prayers of thanks.
Beautiful honesty once again.
When child #3 was about 13 months old, I decided to paint the living room/dining room. I bought the paint, brought it home, and put it on the dining room floor. I thought it was safe because it's sealed up so tightly that you need a SCREWDRIVER to open it. Or a 13 month old girl. Whichever happens to be around. As we were sitting on the couch and watching tv, about 15 feet from said child and paint cans, she grabbed the small can of primer, dropped it on the floor (where the lid popped off), and immediately grabbed the lid to chew on it and ingest some of the paint. GAAAHHHH! After the cleanup and panic attack, she turned out to be fine. Us? Well, let's just say we quickly learned what this little girl was capable of and we haven't taken our eyes off of her ever since.
We've ALL been there…and the one's who say they haven't? They're LYING cuz they're afraid to admit to that they aren't perfect. None of us are.
I'm glad he's okay. And I'm totally impressed that you had a stash of M&Ms in the house for just such emergencies.
You have to make light of these moments some times, because they happen and the outcome was good. So thankful the outcome was good. My youngest is a gagger and a crammer, luckily nothing's gotten lodged, but we've had far too many of those spewed dinner moments.
I sometimes have that too much feeling too.
I guess the good thing is that we have mostly all had a child/choking experiance and although it scars us it doens't even seem to phase the child, go figure. I only have one, but 4 small ones, thats alot fo keep safe, I understand the stress you are taling about. (I don't want more then 2!!!!!)
I'm glad he is okay.
I love this post, so beautiful in its honesty. Sharing our truth is very important.
I think it was very well written. Sometimes you have to put a little funny spin on things, otherwise you will have another "holy shit, my son just choked on a carrot I'm going to vomit now" moment. And really, it needs to be written so other parents know that yes it can happen if you are sitting right there next to said crammer.
AND this a good argument for knowing child CPR.
I can't possibly add anything to what you have said. So so true, every heart-wrenching bit of it.
My daughter choked on macaroni & cheese. She just kept shoveling it in her mouth until it was too full. Scariest moment of my life.
Humor is a good stress reliever. Don't beat yourself over using it or for giving your toddler a whole carrot. We've all done something we regret later, but thankfully all is well. *hugs*
Amen.
You're right, it is so scary knowing all we have to know, remembering everything we have to remember, paying attention to everything — and living and functioning and enjoying and delighting all the while. I read some months ago a woman's recollection of why she and her husband made certain decisions when they had a young family; she said, "we were younger, and we didn't know how much we didn't know." Sometimes I long for those days when I didn't know just how much I don't know.
I laughed out loud (at work, mind you) at the M&Ms bit. Yesterday I was bathing my toddler while my 8-month-old slept in the middle of my bed. There were pillows on both sides of him. I heard him moving around so I told my toddler to play with her toys in the tub and I rushed to grab him from the bed. As I walked into my bedroom, he came crawling around the corner. My heart literally dropped. He had obviously fallen from the bed. But he had not cried, no tears, no nothing. Still today I try to imagine how he got from the bed to the floor without a bump, a tear, a cry…. I am with you in that the love, the fear is too much. But boy do we love these kids that we made…
We have all been there.. and anyone that says they haven't either doesn't have kids or is just plain lying. It is only by the grace of God that kids survive to adulthood.
I always feed my kids in the car. One day we were driving along, and Porgie started choking/gagging. I flipped the fuck out, stopped the car in the middle of the road, jumped out of my seat, and by the time I got her door open, she had already coughed up the food. My husband told me I endangered her more with my crazy driving, which is probably true. I was on a busy main road.
I had a mini-anxiety attack on your behalf while reading this. Oy.
You can keep the blue ones, I prefer the green M&M's.
what a great post – all of it, the story of course, but also the last part.
as a mother of older kids (over 20) i can tell you the worry never ends, in some ways it gets worse. and so does the guilt over not being "perfect".
but i really wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe I have a doppleganger somewhere out there in WA – the thing I fear above all else… anything else.. is choking. Up until he was about 2 I would cut up my toddlers food into the tiniest imaginable pieces (I would even break cheerios into quarters…really who does that). He's eating 'normal' pieces of food now – even yes carrots. But that insane choking fear has not subsided..not one bit.
Oh my! Choking is the scariest thing on earth. I'm glad all is well in the end.
And it is all too much at times.
In August 2008, my then almost 2 year old almost hung himself on the blind cord in his sister's room.
I didn't blog about it because I literally couldn't – I could not write about it – and I still can't :(
Safe to say – I totally understand…
So scary, and I am definitely one who gives my 2.5 year old whole baby carrots because he SEEMS to be biting responsibly… all the whole wondering when it's going to turn around and bite me in the ass. And I, too, keep the M&Ms in the kitchen for my own cramming.
I have so been there, and I'm so glad it's all over and well. xo
I feel this all the time.
Oscar choked on a piece of bread when he was seven months. He turned blue. I though my baby was dying, that I had killed him. My brother was at the house and after the first two wacks and nothing I looked at my brother and he said, "NO. Hit his back HARD." And I did the bread came out of his throat but he sucked it back in when he gasped for air and I had to do it again.
I've never been so terrified. I didn't let him eat bread again until he was over a year.
I'm glad he's okay.
And, I'm old enough to remember that there didn't used to be BLUE m&ms – they replaced tan in the 90s – so how can blue be your favorite?
It's like some nasty parental rite of passage that I could do without. I have been there too. Our daughter had been home from the hospital for 1 day when she stopped breathing from an air bubble she didn't burp up. I had to do CPR on my baby and my husband called 911. She was fine but I still to this day don't understand why we are put in these circumstances. Why we must pass that test. Ugh.
Nice work mom! You did just what you needed to do. We just to action when need be.
Yikes! Your choking episode w/ Quinn freaked me out so much that I recently pounded a throat-sized Werther's Original candy into smithereens for T. Here's some dust, kid. Mom's scared!
I have a dear friend who lost her 18 month old when he choked on a piece of popcorn he grabbed from his older brother. I was terrified of choking before, but I became positively nut-house worthy about it after that!!
But something like choking or falling or poisoning happens to everyone. (2/3 of mine have made me call poison control so far) We can't really be uber-vigilant all the time. Everyone has times when they cave in the name of non-whining or exhaustion or both.
You came through for your baby and he knows it. He'll remember it for awhile.
I totally appreciated this post. Not the choking part, but the realness and honesty of the great and shitty aspects of parenthood. My 15 month old freaks if someone eats an apple in front of him. But you give him some and he gags every time. But I still give him apples. Because the screaming hurts my brain. And apples are good for you. That's what parenting is about: giving in and praying it all turns out ok. Well, and all the unconditional love stuff.
I'm glad everything worked out, choking is so scary. And how do you eat m&ms in front of your kids without them eating all of them?!
I don't know if you remember, but I posted about this situation when Corinne was about 8 or 9 months old. Except I DID have the flashing lights and 911 and firemen in my house and tears streaming down my face. And I am lucky that I still have my baby girl.
This made me cry and remember and count my blessings again. I am so glad you got that carrot out, Stace. Deep breaths, babe.
Take care.
Thank you for this post. I get so over confident with my Quinn that I forget how quickly it can change. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one and that this post helped to remind me.
I. Yeah. No words. I adore you. That is all.
too much. i totally get it. i've reached that too much hand me the m&ms stage too. way too many times to count.
but … i'll leave you the blue ones. they taste funny to me anyways. i'm a brown and green girl myself.
Oh, honey. I've been there. I've been there and the 911 calls have been made. From the look of things around these comments, many of us have been in this loop. It is truly the scariest, slowest rush of minutes there is. I'm so glad things were OK in the end. So glad. I also think you responded to this the way most of us think. I don't have any M&Ms around here, but there's half a bag of Reece's Pieces still in the house and I'm willing to share if you want.
:)
I have a mental block when it comes to remembering CPR steps. I've taken the class a million times (okay – three) and after a few months it all begins to fade… And I'm at sea when it comes to children's CPR. This terrifies me.
And I would never judge you for feeding your son baby carrots! I'd think you're a superstar for getting them to eat vegetables.
Such a beautiful post, I had tears in my eyes. Thank you.
Oh god, the terror. I remember when Payton got lost at the park – truly LOST. The horror.
I use humor the same way. It keeps the terror from swallowing me whole.
I'm so glad he is okay. And that you are okay. Hang in there. I remember those days. So scary. And they are still scary now with older kids – just different fears. Hang in there.
i am so afraid of choking too. and all three of mine had difficulty with swallowing properly. dunno why. i had to cut everything up into tiny pieces, but still the choking….omg. i actually know someone, irl, who's little girl died choking on a raw carrot. i simply cannot imagine living with that memory.
You ARE a great mother, and believe me, I wasn't hearing you laughing in this post– I heard the terror. I live your phobic life as well, but not just about choking, it's about everything. In my head I must bury my children once a week with all of the possibilities that I might fail at my job protecting them. I'll have to try the M&M's because whole chocolate bars are killing my figure.
I remember your post about choking on ice. And I was so glad to know I wasn't the only mother out there who is a choking phobic nut. Last night we had dinner at the 360 for my niece's birthday. And, I swear, every 10 seconds I was telling Jacob to "take small bites, SMALL BITES!" as he devoured the focaccia bread. I am terrified of the kids choking.
I buy grapes cause they like them, but I panic while they eat them. ha ha! I know, I'm a nut.
I never leave them alone for even 30 seconds when they are eating, I'm afraid they'll choke in the 5 seconds it takes to step outside and turn on the outside light.
If I wash dishes while they eat (my back is to them) and I don't hear them talking, I call out almost every 15 seconds, "you guys ok?".
I took CPR three times. I'm still scared. I don't trust myself. Whenever there's an even slight choking emergency I freak the f**k out!
I'm so glad Quinn is okay. You did a good job, mom.
I really need a don't-let-your-children-die-on-your-watch book. SERIOUSLY. You have to find humor or you will never leave the house and your children will eat mashed food for the rest of their lives wondering what those teeth things in their mouth are for.
I was babysitting a few kids at the pool and the 3 year old decided she needed to jump in before learning to swim instead of quietly playing on the stairs as she had been. I of course jump in, haul her out, and as I stand their in my dripping clothes, head between my knees to not pass out, she says; "I didn't almost drowned aunty Maya." Reasuring me.
I have nothing to say, except send me your address and I will mail a few pounds of M&M's because with this many people, you will need them.
God I hate that feeling.
(((HUGS)))
When Bitchy was little she playing with her barbie and the little barbie kitchen toys. She was trying to get the lid off the pot with her teeth and it flew back and wedged in her throat. I just HAPPENED TO BE walking through the living room a the time when it happened and saw her wide-eyed on the floor choking! I immediately grabbed her by the feet and yanked her upside down with a jerk. OUT flew the lid.
I will NEVER forget that as long as I live. If I hadn't been walking through …… shiver.
i don't like those people that will stop by and tell you you are a bad mom.please. that's the stupidest thing ever.
somehow my kids never choked on anything. i don't know how 'cuz i played fast and loose with a lot of those rules. i mean i was careful, i just wasn't perfect.
you saved him. i think that's incredible. hugs to you.
I'm with you on the fear of choking. So completely frightening. I'm so relieved Quinn is okay. I think you deserve a big bag of M&M's. Because you are a wonderful Mom who dealt with a very scary situation!
Thanks for the reality of the post. Sometimes it is too much and even just a little humor can make things seem just a little bit better. I have been enjoying your blog
My kids have choked, had broken bones and stitches, fallen from distances ON TO THEIR HEADS
all on my watch.
If I get on that bus I will go all the way past the guilt depot until I reach the horrible person overpass.
You know what happens there.
We do the best we can. Sometimes it isn't good enough because WE. ARE. HUMAN.
Yep. Moms too. Even the dedicate-our-lives-give-up-our-careers-to-stare-at-our-babies-all-day-long Moms.
We tune out or leave the room and Three has a mouth FULL of marbles. The toy antichrist that shouldn't even be allowed in this hemisphere.
I could go on and on. I relate. And how.
By the grace of God or luck or whatever you want to call it.
What an amazing post…you are such a fabulous writer…and a fabulous mother. He is fine and it is all because of you. Take care of yourself…send your address and I will get bags of blue M&Ms to you!
those who judge don't know anything about using humour as a coping mechanism.
I've been there, the Peanut choked on an apple just after her first birthday and I popped it out as well as everything she'd eaten for the previous week.
Most. Terrified. I. Have. Ever. Been.
We're still working on the "sit still while you are eating that" rule.
Hugs to you, I think you need one and a giant bag of M&Ms to go with
Oh my god, I have a crammer too. He's also a gagger. I've had to pound him on the back a lot but thankfully, so far, no close calls. He's going to be strapped into that booster seat until he's 12, though, because otherwise he runs off with his food and eats it while bouncing on the couch.
I'll never understand how other people DON'T use humor as a coping mechanism. If you can't laugh at those fears, you can only be paralyzed by them.
As the parent of a child who was extremely malnourished at the time of adoption, I know exactly what you mean when you say "a crammer." The Tongginator stuffed her mouth so full, every day for over a year, always while holding food in both hands. Teaching her to slow down… teaching her that healthy food would ALWAYS be available to her… it was one of my toughest challenges as a parent.
Once, the Tongginator choked on food after over-stuffing yet again. The Husband had to hang her upside-down by her ankles and bang on her chest four or five times before the food shot out. It. Was. Terrifying.
But you are right… it's life.
Um,OK,I have been giving my toddler baby carrots whole and thinking it was great because they are healthy. I don't know if he'd eat them cut up or not.
That said, I worry about choking a lot too (other than my apparent ignorance about the dangers of baby carrots).
I took a baby CPR and Choking class years ago, but not sure I'd have the presence of mind to do the right thing. I applaud your successful effort!! Dang, that must have been scary.
(((Hugs)))) girlie. I am so thankful that everything was okay.
What a great story. It is too much. love. responsibility. joy. fear.
so overwhelming and amazing- you wrote it so well.
I am terrified of giving my kids spaghetti for similar reasons. I know that I could get spaghetti out, but once the baby choked on some that was a tad too long, and my heart was racing and you're right, everything was jellified and I panicked and couldn't remember for a minute HOW dislodge it because she was a baby and not an adult.
But you're a wonderful mother and I am so glad that he's OK. Not everything is preventable. Sometimes I sit back and try to relax and realize that nothing really is.
How absolutely terrifying. It's amazing we are still standing at the end of the day, after going through experiences like that, isn't it? It is too much to handle! The fear, the worry – I was holding my breath the entire time reading this post. SO GLAD your little one is okay, and please do NOT blame yourself at all. xo
Oh, God, honey. Oh, I've been there and my heart just crumpled like tinfoil reading this yes, yes, I know and oh, God, I'm so sorry you had to go through this but so glad everything is okay. Love to you.
Oh, I can't believe this happened. I'm so glad it all worked out for good.
And, I can't believe you get people who send nasty emails. What's up with that? You are so genuine, so authentic, so sincere. We (your devoted readers) love your funny sweet sense of humor. We love that, when life throws you a curve ball, you can laugh about it instead of crumpling in a corner. And we love that you share it with us.
Stay authentic. Stay real. Stay you.
Read your last two posts. Heart stopped on the choking incident. Many thankful prayers that the carrot came up and out.
Keep you relfexes sharp. You are going to need them when they are teenagers.
Hello! I think we can all sympathize and have been there! Glad everything is okay! I'm visiting and now following you via Shell @ Things I Can't Say. Your blog is amazing!
Utterly fantastic post! Pleased to meet you, says this mother who once unwittingly left her sleeping toddler in a hot car for 45 minutes….
Dear Lord, that was 10 years ago and I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about what might have happened.
OMFG, terror.
Didn't one (or more) of them choke on ice on the plane last year?
My fear is that I will drive into a lake or river or some other body of water and HOLY SHIT, how will I EVER unstrap them from their seats in time.
You are welcome.
Oh my my my my MY. I've been out of the blog loop for a few weeks and here's what I find on my return. So glad there was a happy ending to this story… my husband (sitting beside me at his computer) kept looking at me as I exclaimed ohmygod every few seconds while reading….
And I like the blue ones too. Can we share?
(p.s. and thank you for the bloggy love… you are a treasure…)
i know you closed your comments, but just had to say how much i love your writing, your honesty, your humor…i'm sorry you had trollesque commentators. you of all people don't deserve that! side note..a doc i work with just came back from doing advanced surgical wound care in haiti…there is so much help needed there. i wish i could go. my aussie cousin (who lives/works in switzerland) arrived in haiti today to start up a process to make sure that aid organizations remain fully accountable for their funding.
I let my toddler have baby carrots too. He likes them mostly because his older brother does.
I'm sorry you had that scary moment. Choking totally freaks me out too. And yes, sometimes it's just ALL too much…
I liked this post so much because I can relate to it SO MUCH.
It has been a while but I remember those days so clearly and while you made me laugh at the way you describe it .. you made me cry because I remember how frightening it is and how thankful you are when they are alright and how scary this whole mothering thing is.
Mine made it to adulthood. This truly amazes me sometimes and then I wish time had gone much slower because I want to do it all again. . there is nothing like it.
Enjoy.
I like the red M&M peanuts, thank you very much ~
I almost have the feeling that if your child has NOT choked on something, you're not being a good mother!!! Pretty much everyone has a story like yours, and it has absolutely nothing to do with inattentiveness. It's just part of living life.
Thank god all ended well!!!!
And yes, M & Ms…lots and lots!
This post was right on target – you are such an amazing mother – and comments made me feel so much better. Thank goodness Quinn is ok. I am still shaking…JUST TODAY my 15 month old choked on a chunk of watermelon, started gagging for breath and I tried to do the heimlich maneuver (I took 2 infant CPR classes and they said to do that after the baby is 12 months old). But it didn't work at all and thank goodness we are on vacation with my father-in-law (who used to be a paramedic) and said he was trained to do back thrusts up until 5 years old. It seemed like an eternity as he grabbed my son over his leg and started hitting his back. My son started throwing up like crazy, and finally the chuck came out. What if he wasn't with us? I just imagined my son turning limp and awful things flashed through my mind. I also just felt this overwhelming feeling of responsibility and that I will never be able to relax again until the kids are off and married. I have friends who have babies of the same age who are eating full chunks of food and I always feel like I am still behind the curve because of my fear of him choking and now I'm going to be even more obsessed and only puree!!!! It's all I can think about and the worst fear in my life. I do also feel like it had to happen at lease once – this mother test – but I totally freaked out and while normally a calm person was very disappointed in myself. I am terrified of being alone and it happening.
At least writing about it made me feel better. My husband is at a bachelor party so haven't told him what happened to worry him but had no once to talk to…Being a mom is experiencing the most joy…and fear…life has to offer.
I don't know how I ended up on this blog post today, but as I started reading and then reading the comments, I decided I needed to chime in. Reading it brought back quite a lot of memories. My second child choked on baby rice puffs at 10 months old. She was in her high chair and we thought she had fallen asleep as children do. We were going to let her rest, but my husband said she looked uncomfortable and wanted to move her a bit. That's when he saw she was blue. We have no idea how long it had been. I thought she was dead and that's what I screamed at the 911 operator. Since we live kind of rural it took the ambulance 21 minutes to get to our house. My husband tried everything. He couldn't do CPR because he worried her airway was blocked. Finally he pounded her back so hard that ball of sticky mush flew from her throat. Then after a moment of dreaded silence she gasped for air. It got worse though. She went into uncontrollable seizures. She was passed out but breathing when the paramedics arrived. One of the medics was so young, maybe 21, and he looked sick. I later found out he had a 10 month old girl at home. I bet he went home that night and hugged her good and tight. My baby went to the hospital and spent the night because they feared she had a lacerated liver from the pounding my husband gave her.
What a nightmare. she's now 7 and a perfectly normal girl. I now have a 22 month old crammer. I mean really, wasn't one enough?
Thanks for letting me write that here. I guess I needed to. I'm glad I found your blog. Your writing is lovely.