Clowning Around

Who could not love them, insomnia, pea-sized bladders, annoying whines, dirty diapers, brain melting sobs and all. I mean, look at how thrilled they are to be entertaining their mother.

It takes the baby about five seconds after attaching the clown nose before he remembers that he can also breathe through his mouth. He looks at me like, holy shit you pitiful excuse for a mother are you laughing whilst I cannot breathe? His hypothalamus or whatever that automatic brain thing is takes over and he draws a humongous breath while glaring accusingly in my direction. Before his wee brain is all duh, hey babycakes, breathe through the other hole in your face, he shakes his head back and forth kind of like when you put peanut butter in a dog’s mouth, or boots on a Labrador, or shoes on Cue after he’s gone barefoot in the tropics all winter. All of the above crack my ass up. A cruel streak a mile wide runs through my sense of humor.

I’m glad you find it so funny that I cannot breathe.

Whew! Thank god, my mother tried to kill me with a clown nose, but I have this other hole in my face that saved my life.

He’s fine, he’s so happy to be out of that pumpkin.

I called my mom and told her the clown nose/baby breathing story (choked it out actually around my helpless laughter) and she was horrified. “Stacey,” she gasped, “please do not tell the blog people that you think it’s funny when your baby can not breathe.”

“Mom! I don’t think it’s funny when he can’t breathe, I would be horrified if he couldn’t breathe. I think it’s funny that he can breathe and doesn’t know it.” Hello, important distinction. Besides, the blog people (cue spooky music) are fun, nonjudgy parents with a sense of humor. Right? I’ll show you…anyone want to share the funniest ever so slightly cruel thing you’ve ever done to your child?

(Help me out, blog people, my mom is quick with the I told you sos.)

68 Responses to Clowning Around
  1. Smart A$$ Mom
    October 28, 2009 | 3:46 pm

    Judge over laughing at a kid not breathing? I am still busy judging about not wearing shoes!

  2. Smart A$$ Mom
    October 28, 2009 | 3:49 pm

    I do find great comedic relief in your dialog when you imagined The Baby says 'Whilst' in his head. That is great! And I am sure there is some kind of very useful therapy you taught him in regards to breathing orally when needed.

  3. Marc and Kayan
    October 28, 2009 | 4:01 pm

    We put a sticker on our less than
    6m old that said "best before….*insert date*" and stuck her on a shelf in the fridge and took her picture (our hands just out of the shot). My husband also put her in the cat carrier around
    6m (not the big one, the small one the size of two shoe boxes) and took a pic of her crawling out with a goofy smile.

    I had to stop short of the pic of her at 4m in a roasting pan surrounded by veggies while in the oven (door open, c'mon now).

    Tell your mom the blog people do much worse to their kids and she should be happy that her grandbaby is *only* in a pumpkin.

  4. MommyGeekology
    October 28, 2009 | 4:13 pm

    I take pictures of my children when they are having temper tantrums. :)

  5. Tammy
    October 28, 2009 | 4:21 pm

    LOL, Loved this post! My youngest used to forget he could breathe out of his mouth when I would place a dry washcloth over his face playing peek-a-boo at 6m. Tell your mom to relax its not like you were putting a plastic bag over his head. Just watch one Episode of AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) and you will realize some parents do crazy things.

  6. growmyown
    October 28, 2009 | 4:34 pm

    I still remember the time my then 4-year-old, now post-30-year-old, son brought me, following his screams, out into the yard to find him hanging, feet mere inches off of the ground, from a tree branch. He was sure he was falling to his death and afraid to look down to find that all he needed was to let go of the branch. He thinks it is funny now too, finally.

  7. Anonymous
    October 28, 2009 | 4:45 pm

    I love the clown noses!

    And I tried to put our 2mos old into a pumpkin yesterday – sigh – not so much! so instead I got a pic with him beside the pumpkin.

    You keep inspiring me!

    Mich

  8. Sprite's Keeper
    October 28, 2009 | 5:09 pm

    I make her say "Sleeping Doody" for the entertainment of others. She knows how to say Beauty, but refuses to correct herself when describing the Princess who can't keep her hands to herself. I do this A LOT.

  9. Annabelle
    October 28, 2009 | 5:19 pm

    I too am loving that babynater channels Shakespear! ;)

    ps – all mom's are like that.

    Just not US! ;) bhahahah

  10. ~Laura
    October 28, 2009 | 5:45 pm

    I would tell you, but I'm laughing so hard at the term "the blog people"!

  11. Shell
    October 28, 2009 | 5:55 pm

    That is hilarious!

    When my oldest was about 10 months old, he climbed into a diaper box and you could just see his eyes and nose sticking out of the hole in the side(where you hold the box). I briefly shut the top and took a pic. He's Jack, so it was a pic of Jack in the box.

  12. feefifoto
    October 28, 2009 | 6:05 pm

    When my son was about two I considered dressing him in girls' clothes just to see how he would look. I would have done it if I'd had access to any girls' clothes, but alas! I did, however, reach for the camera instead of a towel the day he tried a mouthful of shaving cream. Great picture — I may use it for his Bar Mitzvah invitations.

  13. Heather
    October 28, 2009 | 6:11 pm

    While your post made me laugh out loud I do have to point out that your mom sort of does have a point. Until 4 – 6 months babies are obligate nose breathers, meaning they don't actually know how to breathe out of their mouths. It's an acquired skill.

    I guess in a way you're helping him to excel. Making him acquire the skill a bit more quickly. LOL

  14. Pollyanna
    October 28, 2009 | 6:15 pm

    I call my youngest "Stinkles", which is short for "Stinky Handles", which came from the fact that she had the WORST smelling poop (I swear something died in her diaper on a regular basis) and she was almost always dressed her in overalls so we could catch her by the straps (aka handles) when she tried to run from us at diaper changing time. (Nice run-on sentance, huh?) We also call her a "capuchin monkey" because her mischievousness reminds us of Dexter in "A Night At The Museum". Wow, she's going to have a complex someday. I suppose I should start putting money into a therapy savings account.

  15. Bridget
    October 28, 2009 | 6:17 pm

    When my oldest(now 4) was learning to talk, he couldn't say "frog". It came out "fuck". So…for Halloween we decided to dress him like a frog and then repeatedly ask him what he was going to be. "A fuck." It still makes me laugh. (Ok…so maybe that wasn't the best story to share with your mom, seeing as how it has the f-word and all.)

  16. Anna Marie
    October 28, 2009 | 6:19 pm

    Of COURSE it's funny. I sometimes think the only reason I had children was so they can entertain me! And do the dishes when they get a little older…

  17. Issas Crazy World
    October 28, 2009 | 6:34 pm

    I think it is hilarious. Truly.

    I am laughing at the comments in here too. I, for one have never done anything embarrassing to my kids. Mopes, not me. Not ever. *whistles and runs away quickly*

    Thought of you and babynater last night, when I was watching the great pumpkin Charlie Brown with the kids.

  18. Gayle
    October 28, 2009 | 6:34 pm

    I must be a saint because I couldn't think of anything. My 16-year old wanted to point out to you that I am cruel. Of course, he couldn't think of anything cruel I've done, but he said he'll get back to you when he does. He knows there's something…must be a repressed memory.

  19. aubrey
    October 28, 2009 | 6:41 pm

    We're with you. That was hilarious!

  20. itamot mom
    October 28, 2009 | 6:46 pm

    I know you honed these skills on Aunt D while Dad and I were out. You probably pulled Aunt H into the mix as well. I feel vindicated by the comment that babies are obligated nose breathers until they are six months old. However, I suppose it is never too early to learn a new life skill.

  21. Birdie3008
    October 28, 2009 | 6:51 pm

    I had my children convinced that the sun streaming into the living room window was a beam from aliens and if they stepped in it they would be taken away by the aliens. They were so scared to walk anywhere near it. I did eventually tell them the truth.

  22. the mama bird diaries
    October 28, 2009 | 6:54 pm

    I love those clown nose pictures. He got the idea of breathing eventually. No biggie. :)

  23. Amber
    October 28, 2009 | 7:00 pm

    I put my kid in a pumpkin once…I also squeeze lemons into their mouths at every restaurant and then laugh hysterically over and over again until my mother forces me to stop torturing them. I learned over the weekend that lemons have tons of nutrients, so i'm actually helping them…

  24. Anonymous
    October 28, 2009 | 7:22 pm

    Please if you can't laugh at parenthood then you really shouldn't be one now should you?
    I'm horrible at laughing at my kids when they fall after doing something really stupid – like jumping off the coffee table when I've told them a million times not to do that then they do some fantastic kind of leap and fall right off – of course I know they are fine but I'm laughing because I didn't know somebody could bend that way…

  25. Erin
    October 28, 2009 | 7:39 pm

    I have been known to laugh at my kid when she's in the middle of a tantrum, especially the really good sobby/gulpy/hiccup-y ones. I also dressed my 2-year-old up in her monkey costume (this year's Halloween costume) and put her in the trunk of my husband's car and took pictures of our "Trunk Monkey". Laughing hysterically the whole time, of course. And then, there are the blackmail pictures. I have a bunch of nudie baby pictures that will be prominently displayed when the girls are old enough (read:35) to date.

  26. Headless Mom
    October 28, 2009 | 7:56 pm

    Bridget's is the best…we used to make our kids say stuff like that, too. Yep, you're not alone in doing stuff like this to your kids. Better now than when they're tweens or teens!

  27. Sandra & Steve
    October 28, 2009 | 7:56 pm

    Hysterical. All of it. Since we're sharing, my husband proudly decorated for Halloween this year. We walked our 2yr old out, after safely admiring the pretty lights, we pushed her to walk up to the door, knowing full well that the fake gravestone would crack with thunder, split open, revealing the howling skeleton inside. I promise, we were truly surprised when she didn't laugh with us. Have you ever seen a cat climb a person, yeah, she did that. Child was not amused. We're putting that one in the memory book.

  28. Sandra & Steve
    October 28, 2009 | 7:56 pm

    Hysterical. All of it. Since we're sharing, my husband proudly decorated for Halloween this year. We walked our 2yr old out, after safely admiring the pretty lights, we pushed her to walk up to the door, knowing full well that the fake gravestone would crack with thunder, split open, revealing the howling skeleton inside. I promise, we were truly surprised when she didn't laugh with us. Have you ever seen a cat climb a person, yeah, she did that. Child was not amused. We're putting that one in the memory book.

  29. butwhymommy
    October 28, 2009 | 7:58 pm

    The picture is worth it. So cute.

    I am loving the stories in the comments. Makes me wish I had done some of these to Bunny. But at least I'll have a chance with Lion ;)

  30. Manic Mommy
    October 28, 2009 | 8:10 pm

    Please direct your mom here: http://shesjustanothermanicmommy.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-to-really-expect-part-2.html
    The story of when Mr and Mrs BRAND NEW PARENTS brought their seven-week-old to the emergency room at 5:00 in the morning because he had a stuffy nose.

    Not judging at all. Just proud you knew what we clearly did not.

  31. Manic Mommy
    October 28, 2009 | 8:13 pm

    Both my boys crawled backward before forward. I have pictures of each of them trapped under the couch with just their heads sticking out.

  32. hokgardner
    October 28, 2009 | 8:16 pm

    I think the one of all four with clown noses should be your christmas card.

    And just this morning I put Lily's "Dorothy" wig on Campbell and took his picture while laughing hysterically.

  33. anymommy
    October 28, 2009 | 8:19 pm

    You are all the best parents in the universe. Really, I mean that. And, clearly you are the best *blog people* any one has ever had the pleasure to blog with.

    @Heather you do realize my mom will be using the phrase "obligate nose breather" until one of us dies. Did you have to give her such scientific sounding fodder ;-)

  34. Anonymous
    October 28, 2009 | 8:26 pm

    Last halloween I bought a chili pepper costume for Kylie. I put her in it to see how it fit and it was very tight going on to say the least. As I forced the zipper closed and thought awwww……..she looks SO cute, she was thinking WTF mom? This is no chili pepper costume, it's a little baby straight jacket! I may or may not have burst out laughing right after she burst into tears and cried uncontrolably.
    Sara J

  35. just making my way
    October 28, 2009 | 8:56 pm

    When the Wonderboy was about a year oldmy brother and his wife came to visit with their four month old twins. Whenever I held one of the babies the WB would start wailing and throwing himself down on the floor. We thought it was hysterical.

    And are you telling me your Mom never did something like this to you? I think you should ask her that question!

  36. 3StinkyBoysAndMe
    October 28, 2009 | 11:24 pm

    "The blog people." That is so my mom too.

  37. Mama Cas
    October 29, 2009 | 1:53 am

    I taught my boys to sing:

    Old MacDonald had a farm
    E I E I O
    And on this farm he had some gas
    E I E I O
    With a fart fart here
    And a fart fart there

    You get the idea. Oh yeah…and instead of saying the word FART, we just made spitting noises that sounded like actual farts.

    I'm totally the most mature mother ever.

  38. michaela
    October 29, 2009 | 1:53 am

    Just incase you were curious, this seems to happen to all babies. Not that I tried it on my daughter, or the three year olds I nanny for. And then laughed.

  39. Hezra
    October 29, 2009 | 1:59 am

    Hee heeblog people" and they live on "the computer" lol. Well, I worked for weeks to crochet a sweet pale pink sweater, hat and bootie set for baby #2. Which I had deliberately NOT found out the gender. I had also made a nice white set, but the pink one was sweeter with ribbon roses. . . well, yes, so he was a boy. And I quickly packed that set for my sweet friend who knew she was having a girl, but not before trying it on him. I did it to check my gauge and the size. lol or that is what I told myself. Anyway, this 5 day old infant, somehow seemed to know he was dressed as a girl. We have the picture still with him screaming mouth huge, and looking NOT so cute, in an adorable one of a kind hand made sweater set. He is 9 and horrified I did that to him.

  40. Anna See
    October 29, 2009 | 2:29 am

    adorable pictures! i love the entertaining little things our kids do, or that we make them do. we need to get our entertainment when we can. i remember telling J to get into this big antique crock we had. well, he bent his knees and got stuck in it. for years he talked about when his mom made him get stuck in a "crock pot."

  41. Elle
    October 29, 2009 | 3:05 am

    us blog people get it !
    laughter is the best medicine, it is mandatory for keeping your sanity as a parent.

  42. EatPlayLove
    October 29, 2009 | 3:16 am

    too incredibly cute. Must acquire clown noses. Then laugh until they figure them out.

  43. DysFUNctional Mom
    October 29, 2009 | 7:01 am

    I can hardly contain my excitement that the work computer finally loaded your blog!! WOOHOO I hardly ever get to click out of my reader and actually VISIT you.
    Anyhoo, I would laugh my sick butt off if I saw the poor baby thinking he couldn't breathe! I imagine him thinking Stewie-like thoughts.

  44. Mommymel
    October 29, 2009 | 10:50 am

    I regularly let the twin girls dress up their brother. Poor kid always had a silly hat, Elton John-ishly huge purple polka dot glasses, and "something pretty" like a rainbow sticker. And I took pictures, to boot. Hubby's blaming me if he "comes out" or chooses "pimp" as his profession some day.

  45. Leah and Maya
    October 29, 2009 | 2:21 pm

    Oh I know i do plenty of funny things to my child but after reading everyone elses and laughing I just can't think at all!

  46. Renée aka Mekhismom
    October 29, 2009 | 7:48 pm

    I think this is hilarious. Hm,, what have I done to my child. Nothing comes to mind, perhaps I should do something tonight so I can report back!

  47. Anonymous
    October 29, 2009 | 8:48 pm

    My daughter has 'crazy beautiful, thick, gorgeous hair'. When she was about 2, she walked past the curly phone cord that was hanging on the wall. Her hair got completely tangled in the phone cord. Instead of helping her, I ran for the camera and got the BEST picture of her crying while trying to get her hair untangled. Too cute! I still laugh EVERY time I see it!

  48. Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog
    October 29, 2009 | 10:34 pm

    I am totally calling protective services on your ass.

    :)

    Let's see… I gave Evan a sip of beer when he begged to try it at age 3 or so, but I made him wait until I had the camera ready. It is a GREAT picture.

  49. Ann's Rants
    October 30, 2009 | 1:34 am

    I just love it because only a fourth time mom could be so chill.

    The first time around I would've sent a cautionary email to all my mom friends about the peril of clown noses.

    and for the record, one week I looked down at my ripped jeans and up at three ironed Kindergarten teacher outfits and, well, you know the rest…

  50. Boy Crazy (@claritychaos)
    October 30, 2009 | 2:12 am

    First of all, this is hilarious. But I have to say I popped over here led by your comment at HBM. Just wanted to thank you for the awesome points you made because they needed to be made and what you said really resonated with me. Just sayin.

  51. Heather
    October 30, 2009 | 2:39 am

    That is funny! You see, it is sort of funny and sort of sad the things that kids don't know. My daughter didn't know she wouldn't be awake for her tonsillectomy. At the time I was horrified she was so scared, but now it's kind of funny.

  52. Nanny Goats In Panties
    October 30, 2009 | 6:58 am

    OK, I thought this was funny and most people will "get it", but I'll bet you get the occasional weirdo, like I have, where you say something tongue-in-cheek and someone didn't get it and they just started in on you.

    This post cracked me up!

  53. MsPicketToYou
    October 30, 2009 | 7:26 am

    this made me all kinds of happy.

    nose and all.

  54. LazyCrazyMama
    October 30, 2009 | 2:24 pm

    Hilarious!!!

    Since his birth I have tried on my 4 year old son everything I have crocheted for my nieces (who were born within a couple months of him) and I take pictures!! ;) I recently tried on this really pretty ruffly hat that I made for someone who had a baby girl onto my new baby son ;) he screamed the whole time and I got some great pics! ;) I felt evil of course ;)

  55. Sissy
    October 30, 2009 | 3:11 pm

    now see, if that was me, I'd have tried to recreate it for video. what's your mom think about that?

  56. Babe in Babeland
    October 30, 2009 | 3:41 pm

    HILARIOUS! It has been wayyyy too long since I have been in the blogging world. I've taken a couple of weeks off for the wedding, which is finally over! Now it's time to dive back in. I'm trying to get caught up with my favorite bloggers!

    I'm sure I have many stories to tell if I think about it. The first one that comes to mind is Halloween. My baby was born AFTER Halloween last year (even though she was SUPPOSED to be born Oct. 30–a year ago today), and so someone had given us a costume. Even though we were well on our way to Thanksgiving, I put that damn costume on my child and snapped those photos because hey, the costume wouldn't fit her this year! She didn't particularly enjoy it, but well, I didn't particularly enjoy an extra two weeks of pregnancy because she wouldn't evacuate my womb!

  57. Elaine A.
    October 30, 2009 | 3:46 pm

    Those noses are so awesome.

    I always love the lemon wedge trick. Oh the faces they make!! HA HA HA!

  58. Alexicographer
    October 31, 2009 | 3:11 am

    Er, not to nit-pick, but I think if they had pee-sized bladders, that would be an improvement, no? I suspect that they have pea-sized bladders and (although I forget how we worked this proof out in geometry class) that pee > pea, resulting in, well, you know that part, I know you do.

    Oh, gosh, I'm trying to think and not coming up with much but I can tell you my 2 year old thinks he can play peek-a-boo by hiding behind a glass wall (e.g. in a shopping mall), which … yeah. It is actually phenomenally cute, on the one hand, but on the other, not so much brighter than forgetting about that other hole in the face and its usefulness.

    Um, this was not intentional but I did once when helping him jump off a rock into a coldish (not horribly so) swimming hole below a waterfall (we were both in the water, in swimsuits) let him go under (something he was accustomed to doing in the swimming pool … i.e., bob under, mom pulls you back up) and he then got REALLY COLD, poor tot with no body fat. And then I realized that besides the obvious fact that he had not realized how cold he would get, that when I thought he said he wanted to "go under" he had in fact, I think, said, "not go under." This being an age before which he used much in the way of complete sentences or, you know, grammar, and he's often kind of soft-spoken to boot. But, um, doh! I felt bad about that one, I really did. I do think he was trying specifically to tell me that while he was having fun jumping off and going in up to about his hips, he didn't want to go in further. And then I basically dunked him. Bad mother award, anyone?

  59. Keely
    October 31, 2009 | 1:48 pm

    The blog people. That does sound ominous and Hallowe'eny, doesn't it?

    The whole POINT of having children is so that they can entertain you. They get back at you by making you feel like a huge asshole on a regular basis, but they would do that anyway so you may as well take some enjoyment from it.

  60. Erin
    October 31, 2009 | 8:00 pm

    Well, this blog person is glad that you shared it because it is seriously funny.

  61. Levon
    November 1, 2009 | 2:44 am

    Seriously, i knew there was a name for that part of the brain that tells you to breath through the other hole in your face, but, all i know is that my youngest triple threat must not have that part of the brain. No lie, 17 months old, has a cold, and lays in bed holding her breath until she absolutely cant stand it anymore, then lets it come out of her mouth, repeatedly. Then she falls asleep and the part of her brain that she cant control takes over like "whew, thank god she fell asleep, she almost made us pass out"…

    I take pictures of my kids while i'm yelling at them to stop doing whatever i'm taking the picture of…No wonder they dont listen to me…

  62. famr_4evr
    November 1, 2009 | 12:01 pm

    I love this post!! How many times has my mom gone crazy over something that I didn't think was so wrong. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there. And yes, we are non-judgy!! We are actually looking out for each other! Patting each other on the back! Thanks for posting this.

  63. Shannon-
    November 1, 2009 | 7:41 pm

    You crack me up!

  64. AmazingGreis
    November 1, 2009 | 7:49 pm

    Love the clown noses! Too cute and I would have laughed along with you!!!

  65. Joe @ IrrationalDad
    November 2, 2009 | 2:00 am

    My son was sitting on my lap when I read this post earlier (I couldn't comment because he starts slapping the keyboard like it owes him money). He looked at the first picture and screamed out "BALL!!!!!" I didn't have the energy to explain clowns to a 16 month old baby/toddler, so I just said "yes, those kids have balls on their faces."

  66. Marinka
    November 2, 2009 | 2:21 pm

    Love these pictures!

  67. Casey
    November 2, 2009 | 3:14 pm

    It is kind of funny. As long as you step in before anyone turns blue.

    And OMG, I can't stand the cuteness.

  68. PletcherFamily
    November 3, 2009 | 1:49 am

    This post was so funny I shared it with everyone in my house tonight! I was cracking up!!! I love the noses. I need to get those for my kids.

    We put Arlington, our eldest, in a hamper when she was about his age and took tons of pictures while she sat in there. Our parents thought it was mean. It isn't like we closed the LID. :)

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