I’m putting things away every day, sprinkled liberally with little slivers of my heart.
Newborn onsies don’t fit Nate anymore. Newborn sleepers pull at his three-month-old shoulders, stretched too tight over his three-month-old toes. I am folding tiny clothes for storage in the nursery closet. I am folding memories of tiny newborns for storage here. But, first. First. I want to shake them out. Gaze at them, run my hand over them one more time.
The way they curl into your shoulder, harvest squash bottoms a perfect handful in your palm.
The way they root blindly for your nipple, mouths working, heads turned too far or not far enough.
The way they stretch back over your hand when their nickel-sized stomachs are full, arms behind their heads in a parody of a sated little old man, milk dribbling down their chins.
The rhythmic gulp when they find their stride and guzzle milk greedily.
Their deep, sudden sleep, head cranked back, mouth open, milk-drunk, lost in a comfort induced haze.
He’s beyond all that already. When he nurses, his eyes find mine, intelligent and questioning, he breaks the suction to smile delighted at my face and then claims his prize again with a self satisfied wiggle. He knows things now. He’s no blind kitten in my arms. He stretches his curious prairie dog neck over my shoulder to see the world when I hold him. He watches his brothers and sister with an avid, interested gaze. He’ll be running the race with them in no time, mimicking Cue’s signature phrase, “Mine coming. Mine coming. Age. Garreh. Mine coming.”
Babynater coos for my attention. I never noticed that with Gee or Cue. Is it because I was so novice, so fixed on doing things right that I missed the details? Or is it because I am so busy this time, this child must be creative, find ways to draw my eyes?
No one asks me now, oh, such a brand new one, when was he born? He’s not a novelty, not new, just a baby, a big, chubby baby. They focus on him, he demands his own time, shines his own light. He doesn’t like to be ignored. It’s a good trait for a fourth child, this quiet, joyful quest for attention.
I relish our quiet mornings together, Cue and Babynater and I. I roll, briefly each day, in the ease of being a mom to two. One toddler. One baby. We meet friends for coffee. We run errands. We have time and sufficient hands for silliness, for dallying to pet dogs or buy flowers at the market. Even as I love the freedom, I mourn it. It comes at the price of Ess and Gee’s babyhood. It’s a toll I’m forced to pay, so I might as well enjoy it.
I pull the last clean newborn sleepers and onsies from the laundry basket and hold them each a moment. Can it really be that on the day, maybe a week ago (okay, maybe ten days), when these were soiled and thrown carelessly into the corner hamper, that they fit him, if only barely. Not today. I hold them to him, hopeful. Maybe just one more time. They are laughably small.
Into the box. Into the closet. What else is there to do? Onward to three to six months and rolling and sleeping (a mother can hope) and holding up your head and grabbing. Onward into two and tantrums and sentences with correct pronouns and jumping and potty training. Onward four-year-olds, to preschool, to the playground on your own, to art class and talking back and friends that you choose, whose parents I don’t even know.
I’ll stop a moment to fold what you leave behind and store it carefully, like petals between the pages of a heavy book. I won’t even cry, much. After all, three-month-olds are pretty darn cute.
And two-year-olds aren’t half bad.
And fiercely independent preschoolers are break-your-heart beautiful.
Damn, those onesies are irresistible :)
Hey, no fair making me cry before I even finish my morning coffee!
I've still got all our baby stuff. I'm slowly being forced to accept that we'll never need it again, that it would be ridiculous to start all over at this point, but I still can't bring myself to give it all away. Not yet.
I always assumed we'd have three. Had I known that two would be the last, I'd have savored it all more.
I kept my son's preemie sized clothes and one of his preemie diapers. Every now and then I get them out and gaze in wonder at how small he was.
Gah. THANKS A LOT.
I love the teeny stuff. But it's such a flicker of time. SO SHORT. So brief.
sigh….
I have so many nieces and nephews that I don't get to keep much – it all goes to the youngers. I admit I have kept a few things though, the really special outfits I can't give away.
Sigh. This was lovely.
I saved a few articles of clothing from my boys. Some are ratty pajamas – but they remind me of early morning (or middle of the night) snuggles. I miss the days when they used their whole body to hug and hang on.
They do grow up so fast! You have a good looking bunch of kids!
I am not looking forward to that day. I am not sure if this new baby will be our last or if we will go for a third but I know that when the time comes for me to pack away those little clothes for the last time….I too will be packing away a little piece of me. Beautiful post.
You started off my morning with a good cry!
Great post. I'm feeling this too, with little Miles, who is striding towards one with reckless abandon. He won't be a baby for much longer. I'm not ready.
how many men did you indirectly piss off with this post, because hundreds of wives are going to nuzzle up and suggest, "Just one more?"
The smallness is so precious!
Oh, and the way Ess is standing in that picture reminds me of your maternity photos – so cute!
Oh, they are pretty darn cute. All of them. I saved a few teeny things from both but happily carted the rest of that crap out of my house. Every time I'm in a store and see a preemie or newborn onesie though… it gets me every time.
Aww, it makes me so sad. I miss my babies and they're long grown. At least 3-6 months is pretty special too. :-) and 2…and 4…and 6…and 9…and even 17 and 25. You get the picture. Still special, but definitely not the same.
Beautiful post! Thanks for saying it so well. My daughter is 3 and a half months, born June 8, and it is so truly amazing how fast the time goes. She is baby #1 though so I hope I'll have the opportunity to pull out those tiny little clothes again. :)
Lisa – Michigan
When my oldest was six months old, I cried almost daily about how fast she was growing and changing. And then my aunt, who was visiting, said the wisest thing, "Each stage is wonderful. Enjoy each and every one." It was a good reminder to stay in the moment instead of mourning what had passed. And while I definitely miss the newborn phase and the infant phase, I sure am enjoying the scooter-pie phase my last baby is in.
Sob. That was beautiful.
I just went through Bunny's old clothes in preparation to give them away. I held each outfit, trying to remember her in it. She wore this in China when she got her medical exam. She wore this the first time we went to visit Daddy at work . . . and then I dissolved into tears.
They grow so fast. And now I'm crying again.
My two year old, "reading" over my shoulder, has decided he wants to be Batman now.
Also, your lovely reflections gave me brief pangs. Insane baby longing pangs. I'm pretty sure if I announced a fifth was on the way my teenager would move to another state. Sigh.
Your children are beautiful.
Nate is probably at the stage now that the Tongginator was at when we met her. That's why it's one of my favorite stages.
Great post!
Holy cow, baby boy is getting so BIG. All the kids look great.
Miss you!
XOXO
Beautiful…such an honest account of exactly how it goes.
I still have crates filled with newborn clothes. The fact that I'm so far removed from that time when they could be used means the crates really need to leave my house, but I still, honestly, don't feel prepared to open them and go through them. Just thinking about it makes me feel weepy!
This post was beautiful, and those four treasures pictured? Even more so!
that was so beautiful. touching. i loved it.
"…harvest squash bottoms a perfect handful in your palm."
Only you could think of something so perfect. I miss those days.
And now you've gone and done it … I'm off to ovulate and make Baby # 3.
Be back later!
God, my ovaries hurt now.
Beautifully written! I am at the longing-for-grandchildren stage of life, but you made my arms ache to hold a baby again, now!
I would give anything to have Olivia and Lucas newborn again (my favorite time). When they were I was so busy driving/helping/caring for five of their old siblings that I missed it. Really truly missed it. It's quite possible they spent the first 1-2 years of life locked in a carseat going to hockey practice. I'm glad you are savoring the moments. I wish I would have.
this was just lovely. my "babies" are so old – and i love how you reasure these moments
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Oops. I was trying to type in the credit (Robert Frost, of course, "Nothing Gold Can Stay") when it posted. Maybe because I'd pressed "tab".
Anyway, the newborn time is the most delicious of baby-ness; the little animal noises, the grave expressions…I can go on.
Such a precious, perishable time.
Misty-eyed…
Since my second baby was born when I was nearly 45, I knew it would be the last experience of newborns. So I was nostalgic nearly the entire time.
I teared up reading this, holding my month old baby who still gets milk drunk :)
Thank you for reminding me to enjoy it.
Oh my god he's so big. They're so big. How did they go so, so big?
Geeklet is racing towards a year old – October 29th! – and I'm so confused because WHERE did the year go?
Sigh.
All we can do is hang on for the ride, right? I just packed up a bunch of kid things. I'm debating whether to keep them or sell them. Can't decide, yet. :(
Oh I hate putting away the old clothes… the favorite clothes. The ones they should be able to wear JUST one more time (you don't want to see how short Little Miss's nightgown is on her right now).
But those kids? Man do you have some adorable kids, Stacey!
I am right there with you! Where is the balance between enjoying where they are, and morning what is gone, and if it is your last baby, is gone and not coming back? Apparently my answer is a basement full of stuff…
PS – for some reason my computer wouldn't let me log in – this is Elise:)
I know how you feel. I still have boxes and bins of my 7 year old twins baby clothes. Time really does move too fast. Cherish him while you can!
Crying.
Love him. Love them all. S, mine will be ONE on Friday. Make it stop.
I know just what you mean… My third and last son just about broke my heart when he grew out of his little onesies. And when he would smile at me while nursing. And when I packed up all the baby stuff before our move and had to make some really hard choices on what to keep and what to get give away. I ended up with one huge box of baby things that I just couldn't part with… way too much, but I just couldn't let those little outfits go. Thanks for reminding me of those joyful moments of his infancy.
You have such a gift for sharing the thoughts of your heart.
Thank you.
I felt much this same way…and still feel twinges as Baby D outgrows each size of clothes (admittedly more slowly than her siblings did). It's hard to let go knowing this is the last time I'll have a baby this age.
I'm embarrassed by the gigantic box of baby clothes that I'm "saving". Each little garment is a memory that I should be holding in my heart (not in plastic tubs from Target). I will NEVER have another baby, but I have some really strong nostalgia for that time.
I kept a few tiny items that I couldn't bear to part with. Everything else went to a mother and child charity. I gave them NINE boxes of maternity clothes! When it came time to pack up the baby clothes, I looked over each piece and felt the exact same things you're feeling. My little one is 2 already and there will be no more babies here. I'm glad that someone else will be using the clothes, but it's sad to me that none of MY babies will be using them again.
I do want to squish his little butt a bit. It's good you can appreciate the babies while they're still babies. Me? I'm storing pamphlets for colleges. Someday… Someday…
I don't know how I can mourn the passing moments when they bring me so much joy – it seems counterintuitive.
Its like each moment that goes by is one more moment closer to having yet another box of things that are too small stored away in a closet.
Your words capture this grief-joy perfectly.
Soooo — are ya all done?:)
They do grow up so fast! You have a good looking bunch of kids! Web hosting india
I love when they are 0.
But guess what- ALL the other ages? Irresistible as well……
you'll love the whole journey- good AND bad…..
xoxox
:( it is so sad to put those precious little clothes away! It's so funny to think about how swimming they are on them when you first bring them home. They just zip through those clothes!
sniff. it's crazy how it blows by you and you blink and know it's better later anyway but still can't believe that it will never come again.
he is beautiful. they are beautiful. and so are you.
amazing how long it takes to grow them… and how quickly they move out of each and every stage. babynater is delicious! so adorable – such a perfect little corner piece to complete your puzzle.
and his older siblings? clearly so beautiful and so proud…
You made me cry, you big jerk!
Yesterday I tried to put a newborn onesie on Tommy, and his knees were nearly pulled up to his chest because it was so short. I realized that I have to pack up the newborn clothes, and I'm not really ready!
This is a lovely post.
You made me remember all of that, the nursing, the newborn baby. How much I have longed to have as many as you!
How glad I am, too, sometimes, that it wasn't meant to be, that I can delight in every minute of the two I do have.
I can't bring myself to put away the baby-baby stuff. Can't.do.it.
But I am trying my damnedest to hold on to those little moments before they're gone.
You are KILLING me! My own newborn turns one month old tomorrow and the newborn-ness is falling off him like raindrops off a leaf. And because he's our last baby, I'm feeling melancholy. There is so much to look forward to, but oh, I'll miss these scrunched up, frog leg, newborn days.
I gave away our baby stuff as soon as the girls outgrew it. We weren't having other children, and needed the space. Sometimes, though, I find something that didn't make it into those bags and remember those days. It's both sad and sweet.
Isn't it bizarre how just as soon as your eyes water, mourning one stage of development passing, you find yourself turning and blinking back the same tears, yet this time they are of awe and amazement at what comes next. How wonderful it all is.
Love those photographs. . . . especially the last one.
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
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