First, I purchased the sun. Soon after, I began contemplating disposing of bodies.
The sun is a nightlight. It’s actually a sun/moon nightlight invented by a brilliant dad. It has a little alarm clock like timer on the back that you set so that the moon is on at night, glowing with a soft blue glow, and then, at whatever time you deem appropriate for wake up, or get out of bed, or commence noise pollution operations, you set the clock so that the bright yellow sun comes on.
Simple. Beautiful. Easily explained to two toddlers (Ess and Gee) who think that the entire world, which does emphatically include their mother, should get up whenever their little eyeballs pop open in the morning. And, you know, they rise with the sun, which has an irritating habit of making an earlier and earlier appearance throughout the summer.
We reviewed the new rules with care. I showed them the moon and the sun. I carefully explained that when the moon glowed blue, it was quiet time, and when the sun turned yellow (at 7:00 a.m.), they could talk, yell, read books. Morning.
I plugged the thing in the first night and the pretty blue moon glowed softly. Or terrifyingly. Whatever. Gee moaned for fifteen minutes before I caved. “No moon. No scary moon. No blue moon. No moon face.”
For the love. But, I have advanced degrees. I solved this problem. I set the moon to come on at 6:00 a.m., before they usually wake, and the sun to follow at 7:00 a.m. Brilliance.
It worked perfectly for about three days. Since then, for the last three months, mornings go something like this.
Gee: (somewhere between 5:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m., creeping into our door) I have to pee-pee.
Matt and I: Go.
Me: And then back in your bed until the sun comes on. Quietly.
I believe I’ve mentioned that he’s the slowest functioning organism currently alive on the planet. He drags his feet, he knocks around in the bathroom, he pees, he stands there and screws with the curtains.
Quiet. He’s still in there. I’m wide awake.
Me: Gee?
Gee: Yes, Momma?
Me: Go back to bed until the sun comes on.
Gee: Okay.
FLUSH! Patter, patter, patter.
I roll over, rearrange my seventeen pillows, lay my weary head down. Sleep creeps back over me, slowly.
ABCs. I hear the ABCs. Soft, but gaining volume.
Me: Ess, IS THE SUN ON?
Ess: No.
Me: Then, it’s quiet time, no talking, no singing, quiet time until the sun comes on.
Ess: Okay.
Quiet. Sleep coming.
Gee: Ess? Ess! I’m the kangaroo and you’re the tigger!!
Me: Gee, IS THE SUN ON?
Gee: No.
Me: Then It Is Quiet Time.
Cue: Gareh – sun on? No! No, Gareh!
Matt’s shoulders are shaking.
Me: What?
Matt: You’re kind of obsessed with the sun. Just a little.
Me: Your point?
Matt: It’s not like you’re sleeping, you’re just all worked up about them being quiet. You could just relax, they are in their rooms.
Me: Are you applying logic to this situation? Because, I could hurt you right now.
Gee: Momma? Can we sing?
Me: Is the sun on?
Gee: No.
Me: Then, Quiet! Time!
Me: (yell/whispering to Matt) I want to sleep. Just until 7:00 a.m. It’s not that hard. It’s a toddler level concept. Moon – NO TALKY. Sun – TALKY. They get it. They are baiting me.
Matt: You’re foaming at the mouth a little.
Me: (to Matt) All they have to do is be quiet until the sun turns yellow. They can get this… (yelled to my now chattering kids)… OMIGOD, IF I HEAR ANOTHER SOUND BEFORE THAT SUN COMES ON NEITHER OF YOU WILL EAT A COOKIE UNTIL YOU ARE FORTY… (to Matt) I don’t want to get up in the sixes. I want sevens. It’s not that much to ask. I’m not saying they have to sleep until ten. They don’t have to sleep at all, they just have to lay quietly in their beds for thirty minutes.
I flop down and roll over, pull the blankets up over my ears. For two minutes, it is blissfully quiet. I drift a little, start to sink, to dream.
A cacophony of noise erupts from all sides, in stereo.
Ess: (blaring, like a fog horn of wakefulness) MOMMATHESUNISONMOMMATHESUNISON. THE SUN IS ON! THE SUN IS ON! (She will not be quiet again for twelve hours.)
Simultaneously, Gee patters to our door and throws it open. MOMMA! DADDY! THE SUN IS ON! IT’S TIME TO GETUP!!!
He is so joyful. It’s both amusing and horrifying.
Cue: SUN ON! SUN ON, MOMMA. UP! Up! Up! UP!
Matt convulses with mirth. “Um, darling, sunshine, light of my life? I think the sun might be on.”
Justifiable familiocide? Oh, I think so.
I will miss this time, I will miss this time, I will miss this time, I will miss this time…
*****************************************
The non-labor labor continues. I had an appointment this afternoon. The good news is, I am now 4 1/2 centimeters dilated with ‘bulging waters.’ I have no idea either, although I picture a huge water balloon with a baby’s hand in it waving around, protruding from…yeah, I know, we don’t want to go there do we?
The crazy news is, there is no news. My midwife stripped the ever loving heck out of my membranes, which means she rooted around a bit and tried to separate the amniotic sack from the cervix. She was thorough, I think she might have given the baby a pat on the ass while she was in there. It’s not a breech baby. That was hours ago now and there is not a lot happening. It appears AnyBaby is in there for the long haul.
So, on that note, it’s late. Good night all. I don’t want to hear a single word out of any of you until the SUN COMES ON. Am I clear?
delurking – hello, i've been reading for a while, how fun it must be so many little ones (i know that's easy for me to say, seein' as how i don't have so many little ones.)
oh, but the sun is on! it's been on for hours and hours! of course, my kids are a wee bit older than yours and our struggle now is more of the "you will get out of bed because it's indecent to sleep until noon" variety.
Oh yes… the early morning risers. I have 2 of those myself. Both my girls know they're not SUPPOSED to get out of their rooms until 7:00 am, though I always have someone come in and ask me if they can get out earlier. Where is that lock when you need it?
Thinking of you during your non-labor labor. Stripping membranes is no fun… did she at least buy you a drink before she felt you up?
I adore you.
That's all.
I feel your pain. Not your actual labor pain, as I am not currently 39 weeks pregnant, the "toddlers = roosters" pain.
We frequently sleep until noon.
Just said that to piss you off.
Yes. It is true.
Maybe if you set the sun for eights they'll wait until the sevens to start singing. Just a thought.
Thinking Baby! Baby! Baby! Maybe if we all chant together….
very very funny
Oh Lord. I am crying through my laughter over here! And it is only 4:51 am and the sun is NOT on.
Can I still talk?
Don't you love the hope that comes with a new baby, that though she may rob you of night time sleep, you think it might be possible to train THIS ONE to sleep later?
You are a riot……. and a Goddess of words…… also quite possibly a saint…. ( those kids though?? Gorgeous!!! makes my tubes want to rejuvenate themselves….. Gorgeous….) Good luck with the new blessing!! ( but please don't stay away from the blog too long…. I couldn't stand it!!
You just love to push the water uphill don't you.
Those kids are going to FREAK OUT when the baby cries during blue moon time.
The sun is on! The sun is one!
I wish I had had one of these contraptions for me when I was a kid. My remember my mother freaking out by me getting up. Now I've learned to quietly slink out of the room and not bother my husband. He needs his sleep.
7am is our rule too. Most mornings it is fine, but there are some mornings when one daughter sits in her open doorway singing. Those are the moments I entertain murderous thoughts too. ;)
I love this. And miss these years. I have the 19 and 15 year old who refuse to ever wake up!!
Good thing I have wieners that I can send in to do the job.
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!!! (aka wieners!)
Hallie
Hilarious! That baby is totally coming today… or tomorrow. Can I change my prediction? haha.
I want one of those nightlights! Our little cherub wakes up BEFORE SIX. Every damn day. Wah….
Maybe you've gone into labor since writing this post?! My fingers are crossed for it to be soooooon!!!!!
What a great idea for a night light. Sorry it's not working better. I think it's one of those things that's a great IDEA, not necessarily in practice with any kids.
I can't believe how for you're dilating. Hopefully it pays off in a reasonably quick, very easy labor.
Do yourself a great big favor and teach those kids to turn on PBS.
Do it. Now.
Go on. Do it.
Three of my four children are morning birds. Any chance I have of sleeping past seven is gone until they're out of the house.
Keeping my fingers crossed that baby comes soon!
I searched and searched for years for one of these little gizmos – something that would quietly indicate when the sun was on. In the end I fashioned one out of a nightlight and a timer. It didn't work either.
I think it took me six years to overcome my obsession with 7am. It's such a magical time, which to me now feels like a sleep-in.
I promise I will never be one of those parents who yells at their teenagers to get out of bed :-)
Now, that pregnancy of yours. Are you sure it is not a phantom pregnancy? Is taking a long time. We are impatient! And I want to know if I get to name Marinka's cat (that was the prize, wasn't it?)
Maybe the baby is waiting to make sure the sun is definitely on before coming out. Probably heard you asking if the sun is on and said "forget this, I'm staying right here until I'm sure!" :) Good luck! It's going to happen any day now and I'm super excited for you!
The sun is on here!
I was LMAO at this post. :)
For your sake hope this kids decides to make its appearance soon. Since there was not birth last night, I'm out of the pool, so you can labor anytime! Thinking good labor thoughts for your. HOpe it helps.
Oh man, I am cracking up.
You are doomed with Ess though. I started talking early and haven't stopped. and I'm 21 now. As my father says, I have never met a silence I couldn't fill.
Have you ever played "the quiet game" with her?
The 7s are completely justified.
I'm glad I'd been up a bit before I read this or I'd have peed the bed laughing!
You know the home method for inducing labor is quite successful and fun ;)
Hang in there!
Anne
My fave part of this whole "sunshine" thing is you and Matt's interaction. Sorry, but that man and you make me laugh!
I'm sorry your sunshine thing isn't working.
Good luck on getting SOME sleep in when the babe comes! BULGING WATERS could be a fun story at the grocery store!
If Matt finds this all so amusing, he is more than welcome to bring all three downstairs and feed and entertain them until the appropriate (sun on) hour of 7:00 am.
Why must they poke the sleeping bear?
I had to laugh out loud on this one. Loved it. Luckily, mine can turn on cartoons for themselves now, but that sun idea is brilliant.
LOL! I tried that with my 3 year old but it didn't work. She wakes up at the slightest hint of daylight (even with blackout curtains). In her world, real sun trumps fake nightlight sun.
You rock. Plain and simple. Don't hate me but it's 7:45 am and my house is uncharacteristicly quiet. Nothing stirring. Just me, my coffee and my iPod.
Oh gir!. This will really pass I promise. I say this as a mom of 5 with 5 kids at one time under the age of 7. My two youngest are 13 mos apart. They rise before the sun. But(and here is your nugget of hope my friend) now they are 4 and 5, they play happily until 9. QUIETLY!!! Thus far they have been doing this since the ages 3 and 4. They are allowed to play quietly, pee(quietly), and I usually have a box of granola bars and bottles of water. So technically, I don't even have to FEED them. My problem appears to be getting everyone to recognize the MOON IS FREAKIN ON– GO TO BED!, so maybe you could blog about that??? and where do I buy the moon? Or a piece of it?
Hang in there. Someday they'll be old enough to wake themselves up, get themselves ready, and walk themselves to school with their friends.
And then you'll cry.
I can almost hear the joyful cries announcing that the sun is on, I might even be able to put up with it myself because your description instilled a strong urge to go out and get one of them sun/moon dealies.
All the best in the pre-labour labour and the labour labour. Can't wait to hear how it all goes
Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me!!
They never had fake suns when I was a child so I used to stand in my crib screaming at my mom "UpSunUpMom" at the top of my lungs at 5 am when the actaul sun came up. Needless to say, my windows were covered with tinfoil and blantets shortly there after.
Haaa! Patted the baby on the ass …
That nightlight sounds too darn cute but I know my little boy would not follow it to save his life either.
(I'll be thinking labor thoughts so you'll go into labor soon.)
i am intrigued by this sun/moon light you speak of…where can one find this?
sleep is precious. even if it is just 15 minutes. it's the principle of the matter…men don't get that. :)
That is a hard one to learn, the sleeping until 7 thing.
I keep thinking, one day I will have a house full of teens and all they will want to do is sleep and I'll be bugging them to get up. Is assbackwards.
The babe will come. It will, when it's ready. Hopefully today. :)
And hey, Kirsten copied me. From last time. HA.
I'm going to go make my mom thank me for not being an early riser my whole life.
I'm sure my little girl would find the moon terrifying also. Of course, that would be a convenient excuse for her coming into the room every night at 3 a.m…
thank god only one of ours is an early riser, and he's pretty quiet. i'm so NOT an early riser.
We just boarded up her windows with cardboard and duck tape so she has no idea when the sun comes up, it's kind of working except my husband leaves for work around 6am most mornings…..IF she sleeps through that then at 6:25 every morning we hear "This is an important safety announcement from B.C. ferries and transport Canada. Ship personnel are trained to handle…………In the event of an emergency………" booming up from the ferry dock, IF she sleeps through that we're good till about 7:30.
Am cracking up about the sun. Tom would have given me a hard time about this, too, but for the Love of God, you deserve to be in the SEVENS not the SIXES.
Can't wait to hear the baby news@!!! And membrane stripping? Ugh. Been there.
When I could snag sleep, I used to dream of a day when my boys would be older and they'd sleep past 6 a.m.
That day finally arrived.
Now they get up at 6:15 a.m. EVERY DAY. So, yeah, that includes weekends. And I'd be ok with that, but no. Their eyelids must be connected to the roof of their mouths, because their mouths fly open along with their eyes and neither of them close again until hours and hours and hours later.
I've reviewed the options available. Alas, none of them are legal.
ok, the sun is on! So…..!!
I have an early riser (my 1 year old; 5.30 a.m.) and a late riser (my 5 year old; I can only wake him up if I say Curious George is on now!). Things are interesting at our house too!!!
Oh my god. You just described all of my mornings except I don't have the sun/moon nightlight. I would run right out and get it (It SOUNDS brilliant) but that would just give my kid another took to f with me over. Ugh. Sevens are reasonable, we've been dealing with fives for a few months now.
Your making me laugh again. This time, not at you. Not at you at all. Just relating a bit. :)
bulging waters! Oooh, how exciting!! I hope the moon stays on long enough for you to rest up for the big event. I don't know if familocide is a word, but I think I like it (I'll miss this stage, I'll miss this stage…).
Good luck and blessings to you if you take a baby break from the computer! :-)
Sadly, the sixes sound right sane to me at this point.
This is universal.
The exhausted angry Mom getting herself more and more worked up, while purportedly trying to sleep.
Me. daily.
you have a gift for making me feel human in my swearing and frustration. we too have a 7 am plan. ours too fails frequently, especially this godforsaken time of year when the stupid real sun seems to waken my children despite the DARKROOM blind in their room. i too mutter "i will miss this time i will miss this time" not so under my breath as i "escort" the screaming toddler back to bed whilst he awakens his baby sister. for the day, as 9 month olds cannot be reasoned with, i've discovered.
for the joy this post has given me, you deserve an utterly painless labour. soon.
Well, you seem to be making better progress than me! I only have 3 days to go, and at my last Dr's apt I was only 2cm dilated… :( and she also stripped the heck out of my membranes ;) But I did have that done about 3 times with baby B… grrr. Hoping for more dilation at my apt tomorrow!! My babies just love to hang out in the womb for too long! ;)
Wishing you lots of luck and an easy uneventful labor!! :) Can't wait to hear the news and see the new little one!
The moon is on right now, but I had to share anyway. Stop foaming at the mouth. Mayhap your anger at my moon comment will induce labor pains.
We have a digital clock in the Tongginator's room, with a red square outline around the hour. She can wake us up when that reads seven. Which seems atrociously early to some, but is actually fairly late when considering that the evil child rises by 6:02 every morning.
She now has a routine. By the time she wakes me up, she has already gone to the bathroom, selected her clothes for the day, gotten dressed, brushed her hair and made her bed. She's five.
It's 10:22 a whole day later. You're not going to come after me are you?
My girls have clocks that look like star-bursts and open faces. I hang a "Barrel of Monkeys" monkey on the hour my three-year-old is allowed to come out of her room. She understands the concept – I know because I ask her when she wanders out when it is clearly not time to do so, "Is the little finger pointing at the monkey?"
"No."
"Are you supposed to be out of your room right now?"
"No."
"Go back to your room until the finger is pointing at the monkey."
I'd tell you that we only have to do this at nap time and that my angel of a husband gets up with the kids on the weekends, but then you really would come after me regardless of whether the sun or the moon was out.
That moon/sun thing sounds cool. Of course, apparently it doesn't always work. :)
Good luck with labor!
"I think she might have given the baby a pat on the ass while she was in there. It's not a breech baby." LOL! Here's hoping labor comes soon for both of us. And that the kids learn the sun/moon thing….
Cannot. Stop. Laughing. I heard Mister Man talking in Little Miss's room at 6:01am the other day, and it was not pretty. Mommy no likey waking up before 7. 30. Or so. We have clocks in their rooms for that purpose, and it works about as well. Good luck with the sun. Really.
hahaha! i love it! i'm postponing having kids for 17 years, based on your story of mornings alone.
I had to laugh. When I try something and set my mind to it all logic flies out the window and I'm obesessed. The other day my kid said it was't time for bed because "the moon isn't here yet." God, I hate summer
Well, the sun is not on here yet but I am awake. I think we need to implement the moon and sun in my bedroom. Why does my husband think it is okay to enter the bedroom after I am asleep and commence to talking? Moon! Sleep time. He can fall asleep in seconds but once my sleep is interrupted I cannot go back to sleep. It is now hour 3 of moon time and I am still up. I hear birds chirping so the sun will be shining in aobut 45 minutes. JOY.
Anybaby? What are you doing darling? We are all anxiously awaiting your arrival!
I have high hopes that Tyler will be like his mom. She loves to sleep in. Please let him get that trait.
Loved this post, btw.
I have early risers too.When I am doing the coffee pot shufle and my girls are WIDE awake at 6:00 am I know my payback. I will never let them sleep past 7:00 am when they are teenagers.
I am so late in commenting here! AnyBaby is probably here already (fingers crossed for you!)
The sun story had me rolling. My boy is a super early riser. He is in the wroooonnnnnnnggg household!
Oh I have been there with the 7 am rule. Lucky for me we've hit it lately. Only because she doesn't fall asleep until 10, but that is a whole other issue.
Good luck with AnyBaby. Hopefully its soon, very soon (and pain free).
I hope that AnyBaby has made an appearance by now. :-)
Just stick the night light up there (okay, or NEAR there), with the SUN on…Gee and Ess will talk that baby the rest of the way out.
Think positive thoughts :)
You had me laughing through the whole post, especially at Gee crying about the scary moon. Poor kiddo.
I am laughing so hard I'm sure they could hear me down the street! Tears in my eyes… thanks for the laugh!
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