Her Bad Mother and her friend Dave started a new internet game called The World According to Mom, Around the World in 80 Clicks. The idea is to travel around the world blog-hopping and read about what different mothers love about mothering. One of my favorite international bloggers, Robin, who lives a fascinating life in Israel and takes unbelievable photographs, tagged me for the game and, for once, I’m not too lazy and I actually wrote a post.
Six years ago, I didn’t want children and I would tell that fact to anyone who made the mistake of asking me why I didn’t have any. I won’t bore you with a long story. Eventually, I had ‘em and I learned that it’s not about wanting or not wanting, it’s a state of being.
Here are five things I didn’t know before I became a mother and the things I love to learn and learn to love along the way…
1) I didn’t realize how much it hurt to lose a child. It’s not that I didn’t care, or was oblivious to grief, but I didn’t know. In my short time as a mother, I’ve lost three pregnancies and our son’s adoption disrupted. Now, I know. I don’t love that we experienced this pain, but I love who I am as a result. I love that I am sensitive to the raw pain of miscarriage. I love that I have a new awareness for the grief of friends that can’t conceive. I love that I know, I really know, not to say “it wasn’t meant to be,” or “it will happen,” or “there must have been something wrong, you’re lucky” or “God has a plan,” and instead, to settle for a tight hug.
2) I didn’t realize how angry I could be at a child whom I love with all my heart. I guess strong emotions go together, with great love comes great angst and great fear and, for me, at times, great fury. I love that I have learned the true meaning of anger management through motherhood. I’ve learned to take a step back. I’ve learned to turn away. I’ve learned to lower my voice when people – small or large – are screaming at me. I’ve sat outside on my front porch and cried tears of helpless fury over my kids’ behavior. I love that I am better, (usually?), with customer service outrages and airline delays and atrocious drivers and life’s frustrations on all levels because of them. I love that I am being watched and that I want to model a more loving, calm approach to the world, without backing down when I’m right, because that is what I want to show them. (I even love that I often fail, miserably, and I take a deep breath, tell them mommy said “ducks suck” and try again the next day.)
3) I didn’t realize how much I would gain when I lost a little of myself. I didn’t want kids because I didn’t want to give up travel and time, time to write, to live, to eat out, to nap, to read, to be. I didn’t want to give up me. I have lost all of those things and I miss them. I love that I am still me and I’m a mother. I love that I’m happy right now and I accept this time for what it is, temporary, fleeting, unbelievably fun and unbelievably horrendous, often in the same day. I love that I haven’t forgotten who I am and that I know I will shine through again, when I’m done savoring this phase of my life.
4) I didn’t realize how many ways there are to be a mother. It all seemed so simple before it happened to me. I’m not just a mom to almost four kids, I’m also a bio mom and an adoptive mom. I’m a mom to lost babies. I’m a mom who has relinquished a child. I love my new awareness of how many ways there are to do this right. I love that I’m a potpourri kind of parent. I’m free to despise arts and crafts in all forms, leave my kids in cribs until they’re five, and still attend a free-play coop preschool. I’m also free to love many moms who feel differently on endless issues. We all love our children, it’s that simple. I love that I’ve learned to walk away from people who think their way is the only way, it’s made a huge difference in so many aspects of my life.
5) I didn’t realize I’d be able to weep uncontrollably at a computer finishing a little post like this. Because there really aren’t any words for this kind of love. I don’t get to travel the world right now, my backpack is tucked away in a dusty closet, but I love that I still get a few drops of Jupiter in my hair, every single day.
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This meme is supposed to travel the world and stay close to home. I think it should travel metaphorically too and visit moms who entered motherhood in many ways. Harvard to Homemaker is an amazing mom, through adoption and birth, in my neighborhood. I couldn’t live without her. Let’s see what she loves about mothering. Far away, I’ll travel to Alaska and ask Gayle at The White House and then to Guyana to visit Earnest Monkeys. Marinka, NYC mom to a blended family that we all know and love. If I can actually convince her to do it, her spin on this ought to be endlessly amusing, like everything she writes. Finally, Kym from I’m A Smart One is a mom to five who battled infertility and won and she’s a surrogate mom.
The many journeys to motherhood – will you tell us more? What five things do you love about being a mother? Go see Her Bad Mother for the rules of the road and to link up to the larger project.
Awesome post. Wonderful insights. We are shaped by what we do, not by what we avoid. SO glad you finally decided to “do” motherhood. It clearly suits you.
I am bawling reading this. Beautiful post. I only got on for a moment…needing to find comfort in the words of others, because I’m very up in my head in this moment. I am very glad I choose to come here. (I’m in Los Angeles and am having trouble with the leaving of the baby. Will leave him tomorrow, but I’m having issues.)
I want to do this. I’ve love seeing what others have said. Hopefully I’ll remember it when I get home.
Being a mother, means leaving your baby for the first time. Hell leaving your four year old for the first time. It means crying at the thought of it and still doing it, knowing it’s good for all involved.
xo my friend. Talk to you soon.
What a great project! I can’t wait to follow along and see what’s said. I may even be brave enough to say something myself!
beautiful… just beautiful.
Andrea and Issa – Do a post! Anyone can play, the info is all over at Her Bad Mother.
Thank you for reading and for your generous, lovely words. I’ll see you in the morning.
Oh gosh, you are the sweetest real lady.
As always you are able to put into writing those feelings that I find too complex and sometimes too scary to verbalize for myself. And you do it with beauty and grace.
What I love about being a mom are all the things you say and so many more. Thank you for sharing. I too hope you can talk Marinka into participating :)
“I don’t get to travel the world right now, my backpack is tucked away in a dusty closet, but I love that I still get a few drops of Jupiter in my hair, every single day.”
Yes. God yes.
And when we do travel, with our kids, there are entire new dimensions that open up before our very eyes.
Thank you for including me. I will enjoy doing this….tomorrow or the next day. Right this minute I am tired. And I am loving that my five children are upstairs. And my 16-year old is graciously giving me a few moments peace. And I can drink a cold beer without interruption before I, too, go upstairs to bed. :)
I am also amazed how someone I love so much can make me so damn angry. Sometimes the frustration is overwhelming…and then they do something so darn loveable.
Your words flow beautifully off the page. You’ve expressed motherhood as it should be.
I love the post as always. You seem to tug at my heart and get me in a better mood after I read your lovely writing. I must say I’m a little disappointed. In #5 you could have a trivia question with the “drops of jupiter”……..for 5points name that band. I so would have gotten it (Train)!
Sara J
Such an emotional post! I have loved being a mother. It is the accomplishment I am most proud of. While my boys are almost grown, my job as their mother will never be over.
If I could have one wish I would wish every child were loved as much as you love your children.
I love “the potpourri parent”. I think you should write a parenting book and use that as a title. Not one a preachy how to book – I mean one about pretty much everything you’ve written right here. Why not? Or maybe you’re already doing that…
Great Post. I loved it because it sounds a lot like me! I was always a selfish person before I had children. I have days when my kids make me crazier than I ever thought I could imagine.
But would I change it? No way.
i love this post…..
I agree with all of your discoveries! I had two miscarriages myself, and i think perhaps this gave me a different perspective when Golden Boy came along and completed our family.
Now, where are my kids? I need some hugs…..
So timely. We’ve been talking a lot about not wishing our lives away, living in the moment, and all that.
My boys are growing older and away by the minute and won’t always be just mine.
I love that, although I wasn’t a very good mom for a child, it turns out I can still be an awesome mom to an adult child, and a kick-ass grandma.
I totally agree that we simply can’t understand fear and loss completely until we’ve had children. And it’s a lesson that is both terrible and miraculous, because it teaches us about how deeply we can love. It is amazing.
Thank you so much for this.
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Thank you so much.
Wait, you just got back from Saipan. You ARE still traveling, my dear!!
:)
“potpourri kind off parent”…love that! This is an awesome list…and you are a GREAT mom :)
Oh, what a gorgeous post! And I saw Bad Mother’s throw down about this – it’s a terrific idea. Can’t wait to see what the other bloggers come up with.
Motherhood- it is the hardest job and the most rewarding job ever! The best and the worst all rolled into one. Thanks for sharing – great great post!
To be a mom is the ultimate journey!
Truly beautiful. I have felt many of the same ways about motherhood.
Wow…this one will be a fun one to do. I first read this post last night and I have been thinking about it almost non-stop since then. What do I love most about motherhood? What have I learned? There are so many layers to motherhood within my life…I’m going to spend some time really thinking this one through because I don’t want to half-ass the post. I’m really honored that I was one of your choices to write on this topic.
As always, beautiful, stunning writing on your part. I always have to let your words sink in and read them several times through. That’s definitely the mark of great writing. :)
Really beautiful. My feelings on motherhood are a bit complicated, I could never blog it, my mother would be very hurt, but I will say being a mother defines me. It’s really who I am. It’s who I’ve always wanted to be. My own mother was not very good at it. I think that’s why it’s been so important to me to be the kind of mother I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not a perfect mom, by any stretch, but I do think for the most part I’ve succeeded in my definition of what makes a good mom.
Thanks for the thought provoking post.
Absolutely beautiful, Sandi!
I swear, nearby, there’s water trickling peacefully and birds chirping. ;)
Very lovely post. This is one of the ones that really makes me want to stay home with the wee ones and savor the time with them when they’re young and cute and small….
lovely.
It’s so true, the things we miss but willingly give up just to have that love. With great love comes great pain, and only a Mother gets that.
wow. i LOVE this post. beautiful perspectives. wonderful lessons.
Great post. I’m surprised at how great a decision it was to venture into parenthood. 2 years ago, I didn’t want kids… Now, I’m like McDonalds, baby, I’m lovin’ it.
How sweet. What a beautiful post. There are so many things I finally understood after becoming a mother.
There are times when I read your posts that I feel completely out of my depth. This is one of those times. But it was lovely to read.
Beautiful post! You put a lot of my thoughts into words. But, honestly, your child will not stay put in their crib until they are 5. HEE HEE. They are going to get out and get you!!! Really did love your post!
I really can’t believe that you never wanted kids. You’re such a natural, great mom so I’m glad you came around! I smiled when I read the part about being so angry and still loving the kids, I experience that emotion daily. Those kids of yours are gorgeous, as always.
Your comments on this one are so incredible – I feel like I should put them into a list and post them. Things we love and things we’ve learned about being mothers…
SaraJ – you are totally right – five points!
“unbelievably fun and unbelievably horrendous, often in the same day”
pure genius.
oh the part about being more patient with pretty much everyone in every situation, really hit home with me. Motherhood really does change your perspective. Spot on you are with all of these
A beautiful post, as always. I love that I identify with the pain as well. The longing, the loss. I’ve lived it. I know it. And I know to shut up and hug.
Now, after years of thinking I SO wanted this moment, I’m off to join my daughter for a “tea party.” Snicker. As you are not an arts-and-crafts momma, I am not a tea party momma. But she’s worth it.
It’s amazing the things you give up to be a mom. Of course it’s worth it though. Think of how much less cleaning you’ll have to do once you get all your little helpers all trained.
That was just great..;D
Proud of you so much..;;D
Beautiful!!! Wonderful words. I don’t know how you find the time to write so beautifully with kids screaming in the background ;)
Beautiful Post. First time reader and I’m so glad to have stumbled across your blog.
I would say, as much as I loved the me that was before the kids, I love even more telling them what an asswipe I used to be. Y’know so they know they will become better also.
“I didn’t realize how angry I could be at a child whom I love with all my heart. I guess strong emotions go together, with great love comes great angst and great fear and, for me, at times, great fury.”
Very well said. I heart you, Any!!
Great post. I, too, did not want kids. Now here I am pregnant with number two. It is so amazing how different life can be as a mother. I have lost so much of who I was, and yet I feel like I have gained back so much more! Sometimes I hate motherhood, don’t get me wrong…but, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.