Garrett has been very closed about the night Matt fell. He’s very closed about his emotions in general, very hard to draw out, though I try so hard. He’ll be a tough study in junior high. He’s stoic, he tends to get mad if he’s pushed, he’s frustrating and infuriating and, and…
Exactly like his damn father. Which is how I would know, even if he didn’t let me peek through the chinks in his armor every now and then, that he has a huge, open, vulnerable heart.
He’s only three. He doesn’t like to go to the bathroom by himself. He wants me to sit – on the floor since the only other seat is occupied – and talk to him. He usually wants to discuss the finer points of the route the upcoming flush will take down to Nemo, but today he is serious and determined.
“When I get big,” he tells me, “and I’m the boss, I can sleep with Mommy every night.”
“You want to sleep in my bed? Like we did the night Daddy fell down.”
“Yes. Every night.”
Mmmmmm. That was a special night, bubs. We can’t do that every night. We all need to sleep in our own beds so we aren’t grumpy in the morning. Where would Daddy sleep if you slept in his spot? We slept together in Mommy’s bed because Daddy hurt his head and we were both a little bit scared,” I lean down so that I can see his face, studying the floor, “right?”
His eyes grow wide and animated. He has beautiful, light gray eyes. Eyes that are going to break someone’s heart someday. They already break mine.
“Were you a little bit scared?” he asks me.
“Yeah, I was. I was a little bit scared. Were you?”
“No. I was a lot scared.”
Cracks everywhere, a million tiny fissures. What can I do, there’s no protection in the world for these lessons. No wall high enough. No gate safe enough. Daddies fall down. Mommies get scared. The planets have to align themselves. The world has to spin on its axis with no help from us.
He’s only three.
“Well, that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. It was okay, right? The firemen came and helped us and Daddy is okay and you got to sleep in Mommy’s bed.”
“I was a lot scared, Momma.”
Me too, baby. Not so much for Daddy’s hard head, though. Mostly for my heart.
He’s learning that scary things can happen, and that Mommy and Daddy will be there for him. And that he feels better when he talks about it. He may be a bit closed off, but it’s SO important to keep trying to draw him out.
My oldest daughter is like that. And she *used* to tell me that she never wanted to grow up so that she could live here with me forever. She’s 9 now and I haven’t heard that for a while. Something tells me Garrett will be just fine, too.
You’re a wonderful mommy!
Oh, that sweet boy. I think you are so right that he is going to have a big heart…the “downside” of which is feeling too much but of course the “upsdide” of which is feeling too much. It might hurt sometimes, but I think it’s the best kind of heart to have.
You are so in tune with your kids!
Being a parent is so freaking terrifying. They should tell teenagers THAT in sex ed.
So sweet that he wants to sleep every night with you. Especially when you tell your future daughter in law that. I can just see the bonding already!
Now I’m scared! I know there will come a time when something happens to that will scare me and/or the kids…since there Dad is so old…but I hope they are adults before it happens.
You handled that so well!
The way I think about it is that they are learning these lessons in the way that Nature intended, under the guidance and love of nurturing parents. It really is an opportunity to talk about fear and how that feels physically and emotionally and how we handle our fear. Like ‘ I get a stomacheache when I am afraid and I feel like crying. When I talk to someone and get a hug I feel better. Sometimes I think about it later and I need another hug. ‘ Walking children through how emotions work makes them less scary.
Two Thanksgivings ago, my thirty-something husband came down with acute viral myopericarditis — basically it was similar to a heart attack, caused by a virus. I will never forget how scared I felt… but mostly I will never forget the look on my then-two-year-old daughter’s face when they started treating her daddy. Terrifying.
Parenting is the hardest thing, and the best.
Our son is exactly the same.
Very insightful post, my dear. It’s amazing what these kids will reveal to us – brain power wise, and otherwise – when they are hurting.
But everyone is okay at your house yes? I missed out what happened?
He’s a sweet child, your son. He’ll grow into a good man, with a kind and wonderful heart. I’m glad you and he have those lines of communication. That’s important.
He’s a sensitive little soul. I have one (at least one) like that. I just wish he could actually communicate like this. It’s so hard not to know what’s going on in there. I’m glad G has a few cracks so you can peek.
I really like Maggie May’s take on things. It sounds a lot healthier than my own “I’m going to wrap them in bubble wrap until they’re thirty and not let anything bad or scary get in” instincts…
Big hugs to both you and Gee.
My poor daughter has seen me injured, twice. Once was in her room, right in front of her, and I had blood literally spewing out of my head (do head wounds REALLY need to bleed so much?). The second time was when I hemorrhaged after giving birth to her sister and the fireman had to come and take me away, and she didn’t get to see me for 3 whole days while the doctors “fixed me up”. Those accidents effected her psyche in a very profound way – she learned that I was breakable, and that there was a chance I wasn’t always going to be around. She knows all about Humpty Dumpty.
My girl developed severe Separation Anxiety Disorder, but we got her some help and she’s better now – she still worries, but she doesn’t obsess over my safety anymore.
Me, I think I was in my teens before I finally realized my parents weren’t super human!
I find children’s thoughts very interesting. Their little minds are so simple and answers so matter of fact. Yet, our adult world and experiences lead us to more complex thoughts and anxieties on how to explain things and protect our most prized possessions. My heart aches a little as I read this post for the fear of the day I have to go through something similar with my children. You handled it so well and I only hope that when my day comes, I can do the same.
Sara J
Wow, it never ceases to amaze me the ‘adult’ way in which some children can speak.
I think that talk probably did him a world of good, knowing that it’s okay to be scared. Well done mommy!
*sigh* My elder son too. Just very closed with his emotions. Just hates anyone rattling him and takes it out by being aggressive. But with people he loves (like his baby brother), he’s just ready to to anything. I should know.. coz he’s like me.
What a sensitive and wonderful little boy.
While his eyes may break hearts, it sounds like his heart will rescue souls. What a sweetie. And what a great job you are doing by having these conversations.
I know that was scary for everyone involved and it seems your little boy is growing up quickly. I agree with Marinka- not so sure how your daughter in law will deal with the “family” bed but I am sure you will work it all out.
He is so lucky to have you, to be understood so deeply at such a young age. That’s how you know everything will be okay, even when it’s not.
Andy tells a story from when he was 11 and his dad died. He was far past a ‘bedtime routine’ yet his mom would sit on his bed at night and tell him about all the family members he had who loved him and would help him and protect him.
Sensitive boys become sensitive men with the help of caring mommies.
Poor thing. Sometimes it is so easy for me to “forget” that they are still so young and experience things on a much different level than we adults. Lots of snuggles for Gee.
I cry every time a piece of their security blanket falls off. My kids have endured entirely too much, and now they know they’re survivors. That’s the upside I guess.
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body” (Elizabeth Stone)
When I was a kid and went through the “realization that my parents might leave me” stage, I asked every day to be reassured that my mother wasn’t going to die. My mother, honest person that she is, couldn’t lie to me – I mean, she could get hit by a bus tomorrow! I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that, I’m going to have to lie.
The poor little guy. It’s wonderful that he’s so sensitive, but how hard on your mama heart.
This is such a hard lesson for little ones: that parents are vulnerable and that uncontrollable things can happen. My son and I were driving home one night a few months ago and had a bad blow out on the highway. My husband had to come to pick us up because the spare tire was already in use on the car — which meant that he had to get our daughter out of bed where she’d just been tucked in, and pile into the car to come after us. “Are they scared?” she asked him, while they were driving. “I don’t think they are scared,” my husband told her. “They aren’t hurt. Just stuck.” “Well,” she replied, “Mama’s not scared. But Brother IS scared.”
In fact, she was right. He WAS scared. We had to talk about the incident for several days afterwards. These things can be heart-breaking. But they are also good moments for kids to work through important things.
And what does it say about me that my first thought on reading his opening line was “Hello, Oedipus”?!
I can only imagine how terrifying that experience would have been for you, Stacey, much less a little guy. I’ve been utterly terrified since I had a kid because I realize how impossible it is to control anything. I don’t know how to reconcile it sometimes but I try to communicate about it (with other adults). I think the key here is to just keep talking to your son. Help him to work it through by encouraging him to consider it sometimes. It’s tough at this age though, and given his tendency to self-protect with quietness.
I can tell you are doing a great job. You two can help each other to process the experience.
It hurts the most when we realize that we cannot protect our children from pain, fear, or tragedy. Talking about it and confirming everyone’s love for each other is all we really CAN do…
I totally understand the cracks you have…
I am so glad you were on that floor and witnessed that crack.
i have a child, Jayden that is sounds like Garrett. I have no idea what is going in his heart or head. I pray for those cracks constantly. I am searching for them often. Motherhood is an adventure.
What a sweetheart. No, we can’t protect them from the world, but we can show them how to deal with it by example, and you are a wonderful example to follow. He’ll be well-prepared.
What a gift you have, Stacey, for being able to share moments like these so honestly, without sounding preachy or like you have answers to all life’s questions. Thanks for being so open with your feelings.
My heart is breaking reading that! Little kids just rip at your heart sometimes. What a sweety.
Have him keep talking. that is good. You are doing great!
Sniff, sniff. That had me tearing up a bit. I am glad you were there for him to talk to. Its hard to learn that parents are human.
What a great momma you are! Garrett is going to grow up to be strong and resilient because you give him the safety he needs to feel things and talk about his feelings. While it breaks our mommy-hearts, never facing challenge would be far worse in the long-term. I wanna scoop him up and hug him! How blessed you are to have such a sweet, thoughtful, articulate boy!
Oh the poor guy. Having to hold that all in is so hard on him. I hope that he learns someday to let it out and share. How heartbreaking to hear him say that he was scared though!
life is scary. what a sweet child.
Good for you for telling him you were ALOT scared.
I know what you mean.
I just want to protect my son from everything..and unfortunately you can not.
Ohhh…how precious…and heart breaking. I would of been crying, and then they would have had to learn that Mommies cry too! My 5 yr old said to me the other day that she never has seen me cry, and asked if I did…I thought that was funny because I cry all the time!! Apparently not in front of her!
Sweet boy.
Wish it was easier to protect them from scary things, but in the end, that’s not the right thing, either. And that breaks my heart, too.
(My son tells me that after college, he wants to move back home.)
It never ceases to amaze me how insightful and honest children are. How courageous to just say right out how scared he was, there is no sugar coating with them.
After the fire in our building last month, we are still having these types of conversations and it breaks my heart each time to see her earnest face explaining that the firemen are there to help us.
To know that we are not going through these things alone is such a gift.
Oh Stacey, he’s just amazing. Trying to be a little man already. Sleep in your bed….love it.
My Bailey is like that. Strong, stoic, but the sweetest heart in the world. It’s hard to watch them grow and struggle. But that’s what we’re here for, to be there for them, when they are scared and not scared.
I came back to this post because I’m worried I came across as ‘preachy’. I love your blog and your person that is conveyed and would never want to sound as if I”m ‘preaching’. I have really strong feelings about helping kids with fear because my childhood was so terrifying, and so I hope that didn’t make me sound…different than I meant to.
XO
Maggie – not at all. I really appreciated the language you suggested. I tried to think of a way to keep the conversation going at the time and I was disappointed that I couldn’t. Next time, I will describe how fear (or another emotion) feels to me, that is so smart. Thanks!
Man, I dread situations like that where I’m not able to shelter my kids the way I want to. I’m sorry you guys had to go through that. I know that having parents who are there and actually talk to him about it vs hiding it will help him get through it.
Oh you’re such a good mommy. I would’ve hugged him and said, “I was scared too and being scared is ok and can you please do a mercy flush because pee eww.”
Wonderful to capture those glimpses, what a special little boy & mommy!
that was an amazing conversation. They learn so many lessons as they grow- and we don’t realize how much we teach them in all that we do….
it’s harder than i ever thought it would be.
Nice post – parenting and life in general is very scarry indeed.
we hit a cow on our country road at night and we were all ok – but my daughter was terrified to ride in the car at night for a long time!
what a sweet boy. sounds muck like my jay. i have learned that he needs to be talked through, walked through, each and every emotion. my words comfort him.
he is going to have a huge heart. i have TWO DAUGHTERS for him. just saying.
I’m so sorry you had to have that conversation. I know, it must be hard.
I have a friend whose husband just passed away from cancer. Her kids are 7 and 6. I can’t imagine the conversations she had with her kids.
I think it’s easier for me, as an adult, to think, “I’ll just take it to the next level and say, ‘if something happened to daddy we would still be okay and I would take care of you. I promise.’” But, really, no kid needs to think about things like that. It’s times like those when my adult head tells me that it’s easy to understand but I know a child’s mind would never get it.
Love this sweet post.
Meggan
This totally made me think of my Noah.
And now I cry…
How honest and sweet.
Well, I can’t really say anything that the rest of your awesome commenters have already said. I’m also of the thought that rationalizing and explaining things to children is the best approach. They’re little adults, and can usually process things as long as you are delicate about explaining.
Kudos on being a great mommy.
That’s so good that he talked to you about how he was feeling, and you listened and heard him.
You rock Anymommy!
That’s so tough. When I read the post about that night, I thought to myself that it must be tough for a kid to see something like that. So glad he opened up to you!
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