Of Lice and (Wo)Men

Would it be embarrassing if I told you that I almost peed my pants with excitement when Marinka said she would write a post for my blog? And then, I did pee my pants, laughing uncontrollably, when I read this post in my email. I’ve been stalking Marinka, in a very friendly way, from very early on in my blogging life. So read this, you might want to run to the bathroom first, and leave her a comment about how awesome she is. Then, run over to Motherhood in NYC because – (you won’t believe this) – she actually let me post over there too! Leave me a pity comment, I’m a little nervous to be playing with the big boys and girls.

PS to Marinka – I tried really hard with the synchronized posting thing, but it was fraught with difficulties. A restaurant. Three toddlers. Math. I’m in Chamarro Standard Time. You’re in Eastern Standard Time. My blog counts in Pacific Standard Time. Do we really need this many times on this planet?

**************************************

I am pretty sure that when Joe Biden said “It is patriotic to pay higher taxes,” he was in a middle of a conversation with my mother. Because she can make people say inane things. The other day, for example, I told her, in a high pitched voice, that it was an honor to get lice.

Mama, born and bred in the former Soviet Union, knows a lot about the way that things ought to be and she is happy to share that information, absolutely free of charge. When I told her that several of my son’s classmates had lice, she became extremely animated.

“I didn’t want to upset you,” she told me, “But a few weeks ago, your son had lice.”

If there is ever a phrase that will make your hair’s life flash before your eyes, it’s that one.
“What do you mean my son had lice? And what do you mean you didn’t want to upset me ?!” Apparently, the only phrase that I understood was “a few weeks ago.”

“I saw something white, so I cut off that piece of hair and brought it to your father, to look under microscope,” she explained. “But lice flew away, because he didn’t see anything.”

You know how doctors recommend doing kegels during pregnancy so that you don’t become incontinent once the baby is born? Well, I often practice mental kegels when talking to mama. It involves biting my tongue until I choke on my own blood so that I don’t scream “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?” This keeps me in her Will and subsequent codicils.

“If he has lice, he needs to be treated,” I explained.
“Oh, please. He just has to wash hair,” she looked at me carefully, “But, whatever happens, you must make sure that your daughter never gets lice. Because that is shame on whole family. Shame. Shame and filth. “
“I read that lice is more drawn to clean hair than dirty,” I offered.
“Yes,” she said, “you must be right. People who are too clean get lice. I don’t know why I never thought of that. Howard Hughes – covered with lice.”
“That’s what all the articles say,” I tell her.
“Oh please, every idiot in Russia knew that lice came from dirt. Here, everyone is so sensitive, nobody wants to traumatize child. It’s not your fault, they say. ‘Everyone gets lice’. Lice is pet and friend.”
“Yes, everyone in Soviet Russia is a genius. It’s amazing more people don’t want to move there!”
“I love this country,” she tells me. “But people have no common sense. I read article about saving money. Article says ‘bring lunch from home and don’t buy’. Why people need article? No common sense. Same with lice. You wash hair, you don’t get lice. Simple. I know it’s fashionable to be democrat now and blame society, but wash your children’s hair. No lice.”
And that’s when I lost it. “That makes no sense!” I shouted. “Everyone gets lice! It’s perfectly normal and healthy! It’s practically a rite of passage and an honor!”

“You never have lice! I’m sorry I deprive you of a happy childhood with lice. But be a guest of mine, have lice with your children!”

It really is a testament to my restraint that I didn’t scream “I think I will!!” Nor did I order a dozen eggs from Lice R Us.