So this was a fun week, glad that’s over, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
All three kids were sick all freaking week long. I feel like nauseous road kill and the entire island’s internet seemed to go down on Monday, for permanents. Don’t laugh, I think that last one is what did me in. Since Marinka and I are having a bloggy best friend love fest this week, I am going to copy her week in review.
Monday. Take Ess and Gee to preschool even though I absolutely know they are coming down with Cue’s horrific cold and should not go. I am so completely that mother. I’m sorry universe and all other mothers. But, come on, that’s where they picked up this tropical plague. Curse our defunct internet connection during Cue’s nap time. Worry about how I would post on Wednesday for our bloggy exchange. Attempt time change math. Give up and nap myself.
Tuesday. All kids have to stay home. The horror. Still stressing about getting guest post scheduled for Wednesday. Matt unsympathetic. Gives me sarcastic shit along the lines of ‘oh no, your blog post won’t post, what will you do, how will the blog world survive??’ Consider poison, but discard because someone else must take whiny, snotty, coughing children away from me. Take all kids to local coffee shop with excellent internet connection and somehow schedule post while feeding them oatmeal raisin cookies. Two glasses are broken in the completion of this project. We leave quickly in disgrace and probably cannot return. Ever. But, really that was the coffee girl’s fault. Why did she bring us glass glasses of water?
Wednesday. I can’t remember. I’ve blocked it. All kids still sick. Apartment is a disgusting petry dish of germiness. Am descending into madness, intermittently barking ‘COVER YOUR MOUTHS’ at kids and sometimes the walls. After bedtime, I drive to an Exxon with wireless to check that I executed my post exchange mission. I did. That was fun, briefly.
Thursday. Matt’s birthday. Needs to be carved from history and exterminated. He doesn’t need to be thirty-six anyway. I vomit twice before eight in the morning. Take Ess and Gee to preschool despite clear signs that I should not do so, with eye on the prize of putting Cue down for a six-hour nap and wallowing in my misery on the couch. Horrible call. It’s Christmas program practice day.
“Excuse me? It’s what?”
“We need you to drive them to the resort where we are holding the program tonight.”
“They won’t be attending the program tonight.”
Shocked, surely you are the most uncaring mother in the universe look. “Well, everyone has to go to the practice today.”
“I really can’t drive them. I might die.”
“You didn’t help with the driving for the last field trip.”
I know! Because on preschool days, I don’t want them in my car! ? Seriously? These lovely, energetic, Seventh Day Adventist ladies are under the misimpression that my children are attending their preschool so that they will learn something. Their letters or colors, Christ’s life on earth. Wrong. I am Jewish. I like twinkle lights and Santa and pagan trees decorated with lights on the darkest day of the year as much as the next person, but my children attend this preschool for one reason and one reason only: When they are at preschool, they are not with me. I am not with them. We are not with each other.
This purpose is completely subverted if I must drop them at preschool at 8:30 a.m., pick them up at 9:30 a.m., drive them to their Christmas program practice, sit around for ninety minutes while they pretend to be sheep, poorly, come back at 11:00 a.m. and drive them back to preschool for four hours when I have to pick them up again. On time. Because it’s an early out day.
Um, bah humbug, a pox on Christmas and its ridiculous programs. And anyway, there were like forty three and four-year-olds. It sucked. I watched the whole practice because, tell me, what the hell else I was going to do. No wait, I endured the entire practice while entertaining Cue. During his nap time. I’ve never seen anything like this before, but is this typical? Forty toddlers on risers, picking their noses and chewing on their shirts (mine) and crying and holding their various private parts while a lovely energetic teacher reads a simplistic nativity tale and they occasionally are supposed to stomp their feet, or say ‘baby Jesus’ or sing something. Wearing sheep ears. In theory, except that those sheep ears were anywhere but on their heads. I can tell you where I wanted to put them.
Wow. Do I sound anti-Christmas? I totally am not. I love Christmas. Twinkle lights. Trees. Good will towards all. Giving. Love it. But, I discovered that I am VERY VERY anti-program involving-small-children-that-I-have-to-attend-and/or-be-involved-with-in-any-way. Programs should be reserved until children reach an age when they can stand still for fifteen minutes without touching themselves.
The torture finally ends and I drive them back to preschool. A five minute ride that involves this enlightening conversation.
Gee: Christmas is Jesus’ birthday.
Me: Who’s Jesus?
Gee: I don’t know.
Ess: He’s a reindeer.
Me: (well, that’s the best moment we’ve had all day, but….) No. He’s a man that lived a very long time ago.
Gee: His birthday is Christmas.
Me: His birthday is celebrated on Christmas Day. Historically, he was probably born in the spring.
Gee: Oh. And he’s a lamb.
Me: (day getting better and better) Sometimes, he’s called the lamb of God.
Gee: Oh. Why?
Me: Because a lot of people believe he’s the son of God, sent to earth.
Gee: Is he a reindeer? Reindeers fly to earth. Rudolph flies to earth.
Me: Yes, yes he is. Brother of Rudolph. Son of Donner. Or possibly Blitzen.
I drop my sick, snotty children off for the last four hours of Christian preschool.
Friday. Hmmmm. All kids with me all day after night of spiking fevers, making me feel like the mother of the century for taking them to preschool, I mean program practice, the day before. We snarl at each other all morning in our very small apartment. I give up and let them watch Rudolph, the red-nosed brother of Jesus, three times in a row all afternoon.
Saturday. Matt has to work. I have all three sick children all day long. Wait. Are you seeing a pattern here? But, we move into our friends’ gorgeous, many bedroomed house with lots of toys and excellent internet connection. They are candidates for sainthood. We are taking care of their dog while they are in Hawaii. Or maybe they just sensed my end-of-rope desperation.
Sunday. Seriously, evil week from hell, see ya.
That was merry and bright. I pledge to do one more post this week. A cheerful one. With thankfulness and Hanukkah and Christmas and Holiday spirit. Really. I think I can. As long as there are no programs with sheep-like toddlers involved.
LOL…on prancer, on dancer, on comet, on jesus. I’m sorry to hear about the plague that has descended upon your house. Hopefully Sunday will bring relief.
I am laughing so hard at your post!
I too thought that they invented preschool for separation of children from parent!!! :)
Please allow me to help you kick this week’s ass. It sucked.
LOL… is it bad that I’m really hoping that they tell that teacher their theory on the origins of Jesus? Because I think I’d pay money to see the look on her face ;)
I love your explanation of Jesus! And yes, having endured my first school holiday program this year, I wholeheartedly agree that children should not participate in such events until they are old enough to at least know the words to the song that they are to peform. Better luck next week for more peace and good health!
I wonder why kids never think to ask why we don’t eat birthday cake on the birthday of the Christ Child when they are first told that Dec 25th is the birth of Jesus. I would think they would make that connection, and hatch that one up quick. I mean kids are crazy about birthday cake.
It would be really easy to get out of making the birthday cake for Jesus. You could just tell them that people ran out of room for candles on his cake thousands of years ago, and so that’s why people put lights everywhere. Those are Jesus’ birthday candles. Then I would tell them to try and count all of them to see how old he is. That would keep them busy for the entire holiday, (but could potentially lead to other mathematic predicaments beyond their comprehension that you would then be forced to solve). And who wants to do math on Christmas…
Right?
Man I just went on a tangent. That was my attempt at cheering you up after a shitty week.
OH MY GOSH!!!
How the hell did you not just hop a plane and get the hell out of there?!
Pre-schoolers & practice & snot…oh my!!
You seriously need some Calgon to "take you awaaay!" (Wait, do they still make that stuff?)
Rudolph the red nosed brother of Jesus. Hi-freakin’-larious.
I hope you’re all feeling better. Or at least the little ones. For you, I hope the m/s releases her gut-clenching vise soon.
Happy early Hanukkah. I hope it gets better…FAST!
I totally agree about Christmas programs, BTW. And, judging by my little guy at 8 they’re not old enough to have stopped the picking their noses on the risers during the Christmas program already.
I totally get you.
I hope Matt has Sunday off to help you with the kids, they can watch football with him.
P.S. I wouldn’t talk loudly about Christmas programs since I live with a music teacher!!
OMG, was that week twenty days long or something? You poor thing. Your kids crack me up.
Oh my goodness. What a week! I hope now that you are in a better place…you will have a better week!
Hang in there!
OMG. I want to hug you. I thought I had a bad week, but you totally trumped me. I am so very sorry to be laughing at your misery right now.
Christmas programs be damned. I adore Christmas, but the preschool programs — not so much.
What a crappy week!! I’m so sorry you’re all sick. Sounds like a fabulous adventure in the tropics… :(
FYI, they learn a lot more in preschool than you think. Evan still comes home, over 2 years after his only exposure to Christianity in preschool, talking about “Jesis and God and he made heaven and the devil made hell.” He literally took it VERBATIM. Which, you know, scares me a bit as I really believe something MUCH looser than any printed book…
Just a note to watch for the indoctrination process beginning young…
Are you trying to tell me that Jesus isn’t a reindeer?!
LOL the jesus discussion was hysterical! And, I am SO sorry about the damn sickness. Those bastard germs are everywhere!
No wonder Jesus asked “Who is my mother? Who is my brother?” Family relationships like this would leave you wondering.
I m so sorry you had a bad week. Here’s hoping things go better now!
I have the same silly notions about preschool. I am paying good money to get my kids taken off my hands so please don’t expect me to hang around the classroom. Unless you are going to pay me. I also have been known to send them to school with moderately contagious diseases.
I love the Jesus conversation. I have a Buddhist friend who sent her son to a very good catholic preschool. He kept coming home with decorated crosses and she would say brightly “oh! the letter T! (again!)”
Why oh WHY do preschool teachers do this to the children they’re supposed to care about? I think it’s some sort of evil plan to get back at all of us. By “us” I mean we mothers who drop our kids off at preschool knowing full well that they are contagious bags of germs with holes in them.
“Buh Bye!” we squeel as we hightail it out of the parking lot. “See you at 3:00! Oh…(this part is muttered under our breaths) my cell phone is a little sketchy today. You probably won’t be able to reach me. BYE!!!!!”
So they put on a Christmas program, and the score evens.
I am laughing and simultaneously empathizing. That must have sucked. Totally agree with you on the purpose of daycare/preschool–anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wish I could afford it right now and get some relief. Hope this week is better.
Man, what a nightmare! Morning sickness alone could throw you over the edge, but add the internet collapse and it’s torture. Hilarious post, even if it came at a hideous personal cost :-)
In my experience, all preschoolers:
a. pick their noses
b. grab their crotches
c. look around
d. play with props
e. cry/wave to their parents
f. forget the words
at any presentation, pageant, or procession.
There’s also the one kid who sings so loudly and so clearly that all the other parents crack up. That child is mine. Hysterical.
Merry Festivus!
I am so happy that there is another mom out there who does not appreciate a Christmas program…like I don’t have enough other things to do in my life than sit around and watch kids sing songs that I hate to get stuck in my head!
You are my new best friend.
(hope everyone is feeling better)
Thank all the gods that these things don’t last.
I’m going to tell my daughter when she asks that Jesus is a reindeer just to see the looks on any ultra religious family members’ faces when she passes the gem along.
Here’s to a better week
I don’t think I have ever been that funny while healthy, let alone while sick and pregnant with sick children under my care. I hope that you all feel better, and that Jesus the reindeer doesn’t bring any more germs to your house.
I’ve been trapped at home all week with 3 sick kids. But I got out of the holiday program when my toddler threw up all over the library. Whee
I do love you… it became crystal clear when you wrote the sole purpose of Christian preschool is so that the children will be away from you. I’m looking for ANY school that will take mine during the evening bewitching hours.
Do I say Happy Hannukka (sp?) or get well?
Wishing you both… while you’re languishing in a beautiful Hawaiian house.
That week definitely sucked. Mine sucked, too, but you win.
::hugs:: It’s over!
Blogger just ate my whole damn comment. Damn.
The gist was… your exxon has internet? your friends let your whole family housesit? Awesome post. Feel better.
Something like that but far more witty.
I am cracking up! OMG, you taught me something new today. I had no idea that Jesus was the long lost brother of Rudolph. LOL
Happy Hanukkah – I loved participating in the lighting of the menorah as a child. What? I grew up with alot of Jewish friends.
Oy. I signed up the wee ones to do a Christmas pageant at church that requires NO practices. I’m seriously starting to regret that moment of optimism.
Bummer on your week, but if it makes you feel any better, highly entertaining ;) Fingers crossed that everyone feels better soon!
Ha, I feel your pain. We send my kid to a Jewish preschool and we’re not and they always want us to spend the entire time he’s there volunteering for some festival or another. I want those six hours a week to myself. Grrr. Hope you guys are all feeling better soon and enjoying the big house with the stable internet connection.
Oh, holy hell…you are so funny. I am so with you. School is not for me to hang out with a bunch of kids I don’t like (not mine, the other ones)…it is a place I send my children to have a break from them…them from me. If I freakin’ wanted to be with them 24/7 wouldn’t I home-school??? I am so sorry you have been sick. I would trade the mental torment I am going through for your sickness any day! (Wish I could elborate…maybe someday I’ll write about ex-wives from hell and you’ll understand). Get better soon my dear.
hysterical. That was just plain misery. And I feel ya….day 4 snowed in, iced in and now it is below 0 so I can’t send them out to sled.
ugh. you’ve got my sympathy…
Have mercy… what a week. Thank goodness it’s over. And that you could find the funny in it (or at least we can!). I hope the kiddies are feeling better…
People wonder why I haven’t bred. I blaim the X-mas pageant fear. ;0
Ooh so sorry sweetie. It sounds like torture, hopefully this week will be better.
Happy Hanaukkah.
My kid went to an Episcopalian pre-school that at least spared me from having to hang around during rehearsals and kept the whole religion factor out which I appreciated b/c I am Jewish too.
I agree, until a person is capable of not touching themselves for a whole ten minutes, then they should be banned from any kind of public performance that makes me have to show up and take them home early.
Love their interpretations of the whole holiday thing. Mine (age 5) came home telling me the Hannukah story, she was doing great – right up until she got to the part where King Antiochus turned all the Jews into statues!
Sending industrial strength feel better vibes to all of you, and wishing you a very happy Hannukah too. May all your jelly donuts be light and fluffy (and not like the cold oily bricks that they served at M’s party last week! Blech!)
if i ever have kids, i’m taking them to you to learn religion.
christmas recitals are ridiculous. nuts. i think it’s more for the music teachers than anything. you should have SEEN the music teacher at the recital i went to. if she could have turned the lights down and had the spotlight on her, she would have.
OMG. Poor,poor you. Morning sickness, 3 sick kids, and having to deal with the Seventh Day Adventist Ladies. (2 of mine went to SDA daycare – those women are nothing if not very ‘firm and directed.’ The description of the kids ‘practising’ at the resort had me laughing out loud :) Thank you for the smiles, even though you had an absolute shit week! Hope you’re feeling better, as are the young ‘uns.
LMAO, I totally burned the batch of Christmas cookies I’d been baking while reading this post. But it was worth it! Feel better! (And my daughter was the insanely loud child at her program, and in several of the pictures she’s picking at her panties. :: sigh :: )
OMG Stacey you have definitely had a bad week. I hope this next one gets a little better. You had me dying laughing though with Jesus brother of Rudolph though!!
No one makes me laugh out loud like you do. Thanks for taking one for the team!
I hate to be the bah-humbag spoilsport here…and overall I am usually right there with you and appreciate your posts so much. But I am one of the league of parents who SO DON’T APPRECIATE those who bring their sick kids to school – and I will tell you why. In my case, I have a son who has severe allergies and asthma. This means (like hoards of other children…I’m sure one or two are in your children’s classroom) if they get that cold, instead of it clearing up in a week’s time, it will progress into a serious lung event. In my son’s case, he has been hospitalized twice since entering preschool with countless other emergency room visits and frightening nights sitting up with him watching him struggle to breathe. This is not a joke…nor is it a rant of a crazy germaphobe. Please understand that I understood that kids get sick. Some illness in their life is good in order to develop immunities. But they don’t have to be sick all of the time. Your child’s illness should not be a “gift” for every other family you know. All I ask of you parents who think nothing of sparing your day by bringing your contagious child to school is to PLEASE think again. For some kids it is more than just catching your kid’s cold or stomach flu. Also, don’t you know that other parents see your sick kid around their healthy kid and feel resentment towards you? I know so many people are on the “to hell with what others think of me” kick…but it’s really not about that. It’s about getting out of your own personal universe and caring for your community and those around you. Thanks for hearing me out.
Wow, that is not what I thought would piss someone off, given the whole, Jesus is a reindeer thing. (Which, was a joke, I am actually very respectful of all faiths, I know Jesus is a snowman. (aha,kidding))
It’s a fair point and a good reminder that there’s always another perspective. That must be really hard and scary and frustrating for you. I do think the tone is a little harsh, given that this post was meant to be funny and therefore is very exaggerated. The entire preschool actually had this bug, the snot and coughing all around at the pageant practice was outrageous.
But, you are right and in general I am pretty careful about the 24 hours from fever, no green snot rules. I guess I have to say that I disagree a bit on the colds. Or perhaps I am just more relaxed because I don’t have to worry about it as much. Kids have colds all freaking winter long. Keeping entire families home until they are all symptom free I just can’t get behind, even if my kids get sick, which they always do.
I know I'm late on the comment train here, but get over it.. it's been a LOONG holiday week for me with family and in-laws…. ANYWAY….
The fact that you are brutally honest as to the reason that your kids are in preschool makes me insanely happy that I've got you on my google reader subscription… I <3 it.
As I said…I appreciate your posts and see, clearly, the humor and intelligence in them. And generally, I’m a lighthearted soul. Really I am. I’m sorry if this came off as harsh – don’t mean it to be. It is honest. I guess what I’m responding to is that, for better or worse, people read your blog and are influenced by it. There are many parents out there who don’t keep their sick children home and, I believe, this kind of posting (that can be read literally) just fuels that fire. Yes, I guess I am now humorless about this subject because it has affected my family so, And in the position I am, I see it as a big problem…especially for children who, for whatever reasons, have low immunity. This is not AGAINST you in any way…I know it’s a new perspective for you…but I would be irresponsible not to bring it up. I will continue to enjoy your future postings…if you’ll have me. As a matter of fact, I’m trying to get my sister, who lives in Belgium, to start a blog and I sent her yours as an example of how good they can be.
Suzanne – I will always have you, with pleasure, and anyone who can present their views and perspectives so respectfully.
I have my own issues that push my buttons and on which I am humorless. I do hear you and I will think about this more carefully because you spoke up.
Loved this! I’m a Buddhist, and my daughter goes to a Christian church preschool, so I have some similar issues. Love how you handled yours!
Just found your blog through Motherhood in NYC. I’ll be back :)
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