I didn’t think potty training could get any worse than Gee peeing on the baby or answering the door in my bra. Tempt fates much? I’m still recovering from a Messter Map incident of catastrophic proportions.
The recipe for disaster went like this. Saige pooped in the Elmo potty. She does it all the time. She’s a rock star. I wiped and put her back in the playroom. Between that moment and clean up, I got distracted, possibly by email but I’m not confessing to anything. I plead the fifth and insanity.
I may or may not, while I was possibly checking email, have forgotten about the baby for a few minutes, while perhaps, hypothetically speaking, leaving the gate open to the hall. Wherein resides the Elmo potty. A very few nanoseconds later, I heard a happy baby squeal, indicating a very happy baby. Only two things make Cue that happy. The Elmo potty and free access to dangerous electronics. My mind focused and my heart thumped. I high tailed it to the hall and found the baby joyfully climbing up the hardwood stairs. Phew!! Nothing more serious than imminent brain damage via totally preventable stair related accident.
As I scooped him up, I noticed, simultaneously, that he had a nasty odor and that there was mooshy bread scattered all over the hall floor.
My Brain: Mooshy bread???? Pourquoi mooshy bread??
Cue: Ah-ah-ah-ah aeeeeiiiii.
My Brain: Where did he get bread? Soggy from what?? His mouth? So much bread. He can’t reach the bread.
Cue: Nah! Gah! Nah! aeeeeeiiiii.
Me: (to Cue) Do you have a poopy diaper? What’s in your mouth? Are you eating brea…..
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT BREAD. TOILET PAPER. DIRTY URINE SOAKED TOILET PAPER WITH POOP ON IT!!! (Whispering in shame and horror: From the Elmo potty. Which I neglected to dump, post poop.)
No. No. No. Say it isn’t true. Please let me not have allowed my year old baby to eat dirty toilet paper and make paper mache projects with it across my hall floor.
I peeked gingerly into the Elmo potty. Empty.
Cue continued smiling unperturbed by eating dirty toilet paper. I dry heaved for several moments before I could get a hold of myself.
What to do? Dunk the baby in bleach? Probably not. Wash the baby’s mouth out with hand sanitizer? Again, probably not the best choice. In the end, I stripped him and washed him in soapy water, and then I washed the floor and then me. I gave him a bottle because there just had to be a nasty taste in his happy, little mouth. He ate dirty toilet paper. I thought about putting a little rum in the milk, for germ killing purposes only, but I restrained myself from giving rum to the baby. I didn’t restrain myself at all from giving it to me. Medicinal. Shock recovery.
For all my stress, he suffered zero ill effects as far as I can tell. Which teaches a valuable lesson. The expression EAT SHIT AND DIE. Not true. It should be revised to read: EAT SHIT AND WATCH YOUR MOTHER DIE. Of horror. The end.
So hysterical! I guess you’re the Marie Antoinette of the house, with the “let them eat bread”!
Or, let them eat poop. What doesn’t kill them (or me) makes us stronger.
Oh no. But babies are resiliant they eat lots and lots of “non-food” items and survive. The parents not so much.
That’s hysterical (because it’s you this time and not me)! Thanks for being YOU and letting us all feel so normal!
Pam
I am going to have to pick myself up off the floor because I have fallen over in hysterics and cannot get up. Must. come. up. for. air.
You kill me. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, and believe me, there has been plenty of poo at my house lately, but nothing like that. You win the prize. The prize that no one wants to win, but you win it anyway.
Honestly – I’ve heard about dogs doing that… Yikes – poor little baby. Even though he’s not bothered now, someday he’s going to HATE that story.
But I understand the guilt of unwittingly “facilitating” a situation like this. I once left Oiver alone for 10 minutes in nothing but a shirt while I put the twins to bed. The result was bad – but it didn’t involve EATING excrement.
You deserve another shot of rum or 20.
Not that I haven’t had my own poopie wall art… but I think I just vomited a little in my mouth…
I am so not a fan of the potty training stage. It often times makes me wonder if I really do want that third child. :)
I knew I shouldn’t have been eating chocolate eclaire ice cream from culvers and this story…
You poor thing.
So, we are trying to get Boopie ready to be potty trained. As we know, as mothers, we have no privacy in the bathroom anyway and I thought I’d make use of the time to teach her what Mommy does on the potty.
One day, somehow I was distracted, and she managed to reach into the toilet after I got up (I believe I was doing a great demonstration of how to wipe properly and wash our hands) — but before I had flushed the toilet.
She pulled out the toilet paper. She put it in her mouth. I panicked. In fact, I believe that I stared in horror for a full five seconds before I started to yell “No! No! Cucky! Don’t do that! Stop! Spit it out! Oh no!”
Yeah.
Wanna start a club?
You are hilarious! I had no idea what to expect from that title! Bless your heart…I know I would have gone straight for the hard liquor as well. It is good to know that a little shit can’t hurt :) hehehe
Hey at least you will have a funny story to embarrass him with one day!
This reminds me of the twins’ naptime finger painting incident when they were about 1.5 years old. There was no paint in their nursery. There was no paper. There were no diapers on their butts, as they had taken them off. But there was poop. All. Over. The. Walls. “See, Mommy? Iss peetee! See peetee waahs?” Translation: “See, Mommy? It’s pretty. See pretty walls?” How proud they were.
Renee – They do have tough constitutions. Love your new picture!
Pam – So glad to be called normal. Most of the time, I feel like I live in the nutfarm.
Valerie – Does the prize come with an all expenses paid vacation to Jamaica and a nanny?
Kate – You should not encourage me to drink rum. So, I’m guessing a little poop art occurred at your house too?
Jill – It sucks. There must be a better way.
Wfb – Oh! Sorry. Should have given some kind of warning. Although, poop was in the title, so you were prepared.
iMommy – I’m not alone!! Yes. A club. The names we could dream up.
Ashley – I do plan to humiliate them all someday. It’s genetics. That picture of my husband and I in the last post? Blown up at my wedding reception. HUGE. Thanks, mom – love you!
It is OK anymommy…. I did see the title, but but when I got to the in the mouth part I realized what I was eating and it was chocolate with a bit of “bread”…. oh no!
too funny! Babies are strange, I don’t get why they put something that doesn’t smell good into their mouthes. I’m dry heaving now too! I dealt with poop eating once, so nasty
Just a few weeks ago, MiniMe came to me with a hand covered in brown and asked why there was mud all over the baby’s leg. The incident is now affectionately referred to around here as the “poop-splosion,” and after reading this I just thank my lucky stars that MiniMe frequently says (while I am changing a baby) “We don’t eat poop, Mommy.”
There are times when I think you’re hilarious, and then you go and pull a stunt like this! I am still laughing, and tears are running down my face — but I swear only because he’s fine! Any thoughts of abandoning the Elmo potty and starting in on a “regular” toilet?
I am SO glad I never discovered anything like that in my house or it wouldn’t have been dry heaves. You poor poor girl — I think you need another dose of medicine.
Oh my! I had to read this TWICE because of the tears blocking my vision!! I’m so sorry/horrified!!
Kym – Poop paintings seem to be a theme for toddlers. Maybe we could market them?
Wfb and Casey – Oh no, it appears I am making my guest gag. That is not a good quality in a hostess. And, Casey is pregnant. I should add a disclaimer.
Insta-mom – That is a good phrase. It bears repeating.
Michelle – She is actually using the regular potty most of the time. Except when I don’t want to help because I am distracted by the other children, or ahem, email.
Just think of the boost to his immune system surviving this will give him…
And mommy definitely better make that drink a double!
Ok – you are just sooo funny lately
Love the ending revision to the old saying
Ha, ha. Great ending.
When my now 3 year old was about 9 months old, I walked away from her for a few minutes when she was naked on the floor (I certainly wouldn’t have been checking my e-mail, for Pete’s sake. What kind of mother would do such a thing?!). When I returned, she was eating something and had something in her hand. Yep. Poop.
Big smile on her face. Until I took the poop away. She cried and as I was cleaning up she crawled over and found the poop again and took another bite.
When I told my mom about it, she freaked out and said I should go get her checked for e.coli. Um, yeah, it was gross, but I don’t think she had e.coli.
Stacey!
I am DYING of laughter here. What did I do before I had you to amuse me endlessly?!
Bleach, no. Rum, oh yes!
Oh. My. God.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for you!! (but, you know that I AM laughing, right?)
This is one of those moments where you have to just say “Well, at least I know what I’m posting about on the blog tonight!”
I love that you keep up dating that map of your house. You do know that NO ONE will want to visit or sit on your furniture now, right? :)
Ew, I thought it was bad that one of my dogs eats poop!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahaha! i officially love you.
i sent a link to everyone i know! (i’m laughing *with* you ;D)
You know he is going to HATE this story someday right? Ha! It’s funny, but NOT at the same time. You are definitely NOT helping me get fired up to begin potty training with J. I am soooo dreading every single aspect of the process. I commend you for retaining your sanity. And for not giving him rum or hand sanitizer.
Here’s hoping your weekend is poop-disaster free!
ok, eeeeeeeeeeeew! eew, eew, eew! My second daughter is a magnet for all things inappropriate as well, now because of you, I’ll be all over the potty saving myself from a similar experience.
I practically peed my computer chair – good one – that ranks right up there with N catching the poop and being happy about it…K
Megan – Another poop eater. I’m not alone!! I love blogging.
Robin and Nissa – Thank you for the rum support. It’s like I’m drinking with friends.
Tracey – I know! My sister has already refused to sleep on the couch that is located over one of the major sites.
Psychmamma – Good news is you have a girl. My daughter was easy!
K – hey girl! That is EXACTLY what I thought of when this happened. Except I think this was nastier.
OMG!! How awful! I so would have barfed! It’s amazing what babies can eat and not get sick! (while the parents are busy getting sick for them!).
At some point in the parenting continuium, most of us come to a point where “that much” poop is acceptable to exist on/near the children, don’t we? Or is it just me?
Lucy is a BIG fan of the ass scratching. Every time the diaper is changed, those little hands go down for a mosey about. Usually, fine, but when it’s especially dirty and she’s especially quick…things happen. And I’ve come to the point where a fairly thorough wipedown of the marauding fingers with a diaper wipe is about as far as I’m willing to go. I used to freak. Now I don’t…but should I be freaked that I don’t freak? Oh, motherhood.
Thank you so much for telling me these stories before I start potty training around here. Still, I think odds are 1 in 10 that the same thing will happen at my house, despite this warning!
the horror…it’s so – it’s just…speachless.
oh my goodness, you’re cracking me up with that diagram! hilarious!
How FUNNY! Girl, you’re going to be able to write a book by the time they’re all using the potty!
I watched that movie WAR of the WORLDS again the other night and that line at the end about the bacteria killing the aliens really struck me.. He’ll have a great immune system!
I’m sorry I’m laughing, but OMG, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week. And disgusting.
He’ll survive and probably get into a lot worse shit (pun intended) as he grows up. Just keep the rum nearby.
Well, now I know why kids just weren’t in the cards for me!
But on to more serious matters (to me):
1. PLEASE tell me the lovely map is an aggregate of incidents over time and NOT the destruction of this one day?
2. Your otherwise lovely map does not include the exact location of the Elmo potty. Once I could see again after reading the post the first time, I realize it’s in the hall, but still, for the sake of consistency… :-)
Something must be going around. I heard about kids eating crap three times this week.
Gross.
Funny.
Know that you are not alone.
Mam – Oh, the poop eating togetherness. Thank goodness.
Quart – Could you please start a blog before yours start eating poop, or at least borrow Meghan’s blog for the stories?!
Maura – It’s definitely an aggregate. I’ve been updating since the beginning of potty training a few months ago. The Elmo potty moves about, but generally it’s in the hall.
Corina – It does my heart good to know that. Really.
Poop or Bread?
My friend’s son once ate poop, not just poopy toilet paper, but actual POOP, out of the toilet.
Gah. Little kids can be weird.
Those 3 posts should not be read in sequence without proper protection (like, Poise). That was the best set of laughs I’ve had in a long time.
You are hilarious, woman!
You should add your encyclopaedic knowledge of “eat shit and (don’t) die” to Urban Dictionary.
Just so you know you’re not alone, the kids alerted me before bed that the toilet needs to be unplugged.
Oh my oh my oh my. WOW. Yeah, definitely time to hit the “medicine” after that one!
Most of us spend most of our years totally toilet trained.
Why It’s Good to Enmesh Your Children
does it help to know you’re not alone? My now 2-year-old survived eating something even worse (trust me). And she’s done the same thing Cue has. Kids are tough. Mommies get tougher every day.
Very funny post!
OH. MAH. GAWD! You are too too funny! And thanks god, you’re the most honest mother-blogger I’ve come across yet!! I feel like you’re in my head! That was a HUGE belly laugh out loud. I’m so glad there are others out there (you!) who find some of the mommy experiences not quite all the bliss and joy some make it out to be! So glad I stumbled into your blog! Cheers!
Oh. mah. gah.
I would never let my kids eat dirty toilet paper.
*huff*
It’s bad enough I’ve allowed the knife-juggling.
(Stitches are for pussies.)
Here via Hey You Remember Me. Glad I came.
Don't feel bad, it happens a lot. I know two people off the top of my head who's kids have eaten poo… those made me laugh… but what really grosses me out is the story I heard about me. My dad was supposed to be watching me & fell asleep…. Uggh.
Please don’t psychoanalyze the reasons why THIS is the post that draws me out of lurkdom for a comment. Please, just don’t.
Hilarious. Beyond disgusting, of course, but utterly hilarious. Love that you debunked that whole Eat Shit and Die myth.
And yes, had there been a market for poop paintings (and let’s all say a silent thank-you to the universe that none exists, to the best of my blissfully ignorant knowledge), we might have had some… erm, contributions from the f5 household. I’m just saying.
You guys are doing my little heart good with these poop eating stories.
Laura – I have to admit I am curious to know what you’re little one ate. It doesn’t get much worse.
Liz – thanks and welcome. Yep, I’m a straight up kind of girl. I don’t always like the little darlings, but I mostly love them.
Maggie – Poop juggling would impress me.
Mama K – It’s amazing what we survive. So fess up, what did you eat?
Blech… They found me w/ my diaper off, playing in it… and yes I’d eaten poo… (and yes making faces here as I type that). I could kill my dad (if I was into that type of thing) for that… It’s one thing when you hear it about someone’s kid… but yourself :(
Gag, Hack, Ew. My sister and I are sitting in bed laughing and reading you together. Good times, when it is someone else’s kid who eats dirty TP.
XO Shan
Hee hee, glad I’m not the only one. I was babysitting twins and had one “discover” a treat from her diaper. I never told the mom- I came to the conclusion tat if I was her, I wouldn’t really want to know.
(BHJ sent me!)
That might put the raisin recycling program I participated in as a baby to shame. I’m sure you can guess but I ate a LOT of rainins. They frequently came out in my diaper. If I found them, I got seconds, per say. I can’t believe I tell perfect strangers this stuff :)
Oh good, it isn’t just my child. I was getting worried there, and loosing my patience with people who think their dog is a baby.
The worst part is when you ponder what is wrong with your child after a repeat visit to McPoopies for a potty burger.
I know this thread is old but can’t help myself. I found your blog while trying to find a way of getting my 2 year old to poop (overdid the potty encouragement and now she is retaining). Anyway, we have Bouvier that got the taste for what Maine hunters did in the woods (might not have been so gross if it were the bears), her breath was bad before but now it was intolerable. The solution was easy for us but I cannot recommend for humans, dogs love to bite at hosepipes gushing water and snowballs were also helpful (it was winter). Finally we left her outside in the snow until the odor had subsided sufficiently. I hear they do this to crying babies in Iceland but it might earn you a visit from child protective services anywhere else.
Если честно, случайно попал на этот форум, но похоже попал как раз туда, куда надо…
Ну перво наперво разрешите поприветствовать всех)
Никогда не думал, что жизнь меня заставит обратиться к кому-либо по каким либо жизненным вопросам, ибо всегда искренне был уверен, что человек по сути не такое глупое существо, что бы не суметь разобраться в себе и своих проблемах. Считал, что те, кто обращаются, им просто лень покопаться в себе. Видимо за это и поплатился. Вижу, что моих познаний уже далеко не хватает, что бы сложившуюся ситуацию хоть как то «разрулить»… Именно поэтому и обращаюсь…
Конечно понимаю, что в двух словах не рассказать всех обстоятельств, а тем более нюансов, но попробую хоть что то для начала:
Мне 29, будучи женатым, повстречал замужнюю, ну и как говориться завертелось, закружилось…
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