The other night, Cue was in a foul mood. Even after the full bedtime routine with bottle, story and rocking, he cried when I put him in his crib instead of snuggling his head against the bumper, tucking his little hands under him with a sigh and going to sleep. I was in a hurry and so I didn’t stand and sing and pat his butt as I sometimes do when he’s restless and cranky. I wanted to meet a girlfriend at a restaurant for dessert and I hadn’t had a single moment of quiet time to myself for hours. I left him to cry a little, thinking he was probably tired and would be asleep in moments.
He cried for a while, but rather than settling down, he worked himself up into a little baby frenzy of anger and unhappiness. His cries went over the edge of unhappy to melodramatic fury. I trudged back up the stairs, picked his sweaty little ball of hysteria up and sat down grudgingly in the rocking chair. As we rocked, he lay quietly against my chest, but he was tense and alert.
I was silently irate. My mental list spun out of control. I wanted to finish cleaning the kitchen. I had emails to read. I had blogs I wanted to catch up on. I’ve been meaning to vacuum the stairs to the basement for weeks. They haven’t been vacuumed in, well, a long time and Cue keeps eating cheerios off of them. There’s a bathroom in the basement that hasn’t seen a toilet brush in possibly months and I never read books any more and I’m not sure where my cell phone is and I have three years (three years?) of pictures of my children sitting on my hard drive unorganized and not in cute albums and I meant to call my sister this week and I didn’t and I really wanted to meet my friend tonight to talk about an awesome project that she and I are supposed to be working on except that I Never Ever Have Time To Even Look At The Damn Thing and I spend all day with my kids but sometimes I feel like I don’t really spend any time at all with them. I had this tight, uncomfortable feeling in my chest that I used to live with constantly when I was a lawyer who hated being a lawyer.
And then, I thought how about you just rock the baby for fifteen minutes. What one thing any where in that awesome mental list of shame will not wait fifteen more minutes. The inland Pacific NW is heaven this time of year. The light is gentle in the evenings and all the windows are open. There’s the kind of breeze that dances in the curtains in the novels that I never read any more. The baby’s weight on my chest was so soothing.
When I relaxed, he did too. He pressed his face into my neck and pumpkined (official term) his little bottom up into a ball below my shoulder like newborns do. All 22 pounds and 11 months of him cuddled into my shoulder like a tiny baby. He hiccuped a few more little heartbroken hiccup sobs and then sighed with contentment. There was no where he would rather be. My heart hurt in a whole new way because life doesn’t stop for any thing and time keeps on ticking into the future. I am a mother to babies right now, for this blink of my eyes and then I won’t be any more. They don’t pumpkin forever. Comforting is not always going to be this easy. Gee and Ess will lie their heads on my lap, but they are done with the little pumpkin bottom. For all I know, that will be the last time for Cue too. I sat and rocked him until he was completely asleep, savoring it.
I am a doer. I know that I’ll never be the kind of mother who is just with her kids, not easily. I spend a lot of my day trying to carve out a little time for myself. That’s okay. I’m not going to add that to my huge mental list of mothering deficiencies. It’s the way that I am. I have to be reminded and reminded to treasure, cherish, revel, breathe. To just be with them. Because just being under him in the rocking chair meant every thing to him. Clean bathrooms and organized pictures mean next to nothing.
LOVe the photos and you have adorable, adorable children.
Thanks for the memories of getting to sleep… it was a great way to start my morning..
Love and will steal “pumpkined”! Thanks for the reminder. Did you ever get the dessert?!
What a beautiful post. Just be. I need to remember that more often.
Thank you for the welcome the other day. I really like what I’ve seen of your blog today, I’ll definitely be back to read more.
excellent post. i really enjoy your blog – so glad i found you !!
You are so right! Right there with you trying to savor the season we are in! YOUR GONNA MISS THIS, rings in my ears again!! Thanks for showing me how to share my heart more openly! I took a step in that direction on my blog today. I mentioned you and stole your HSSH term! Hope that’s okay! Wish we could take a walk!
Hugs,
Pam
Please tell me you have an external hard drive to backup your unorganized pictures.
Seriously…$100…super easy…go here –
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16822136247
Who doesn’t relate to this?! And I love the picture of your three kids all in a row: Red hair, blond hair, black hair – so sweet.
ah, a lesson we all learn. some too late. you’ll be glad you had the realization early.
it’s good to make time for yourself, though. balance. (that’s my struggle.)
i love the picture of them all three looking into the…fountain? so cute!
Thanks for the wonderful reminder to enjoy the moments. It made me think of one of my favorite poems:
Babies Don’t Keep
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep
Maybe I’ll post this and link to your site…..
Wow. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but I definitely almost cried in my little cubicle here at work while reading your post instead of compiling a user guide for our CRM system…
Thanks for reminding me that sometimes, babies just need to be babies.
Wfb, Feener and Kate – thanks!
Marinka and Pam – Copyright violations!! Call the internet police. Kidding. I’m flattered.
I did get dessert. Fried donut holes and chocolate sauce. Ended up being a good night all around.
Robin – Absolutely and your mini picture makes me happy and crave Starbucks all at the same time.
Merideth – The hard part is not feeling guilty when you take time for yourself and not feeling like you never get any time when you’re with them.
Psychmamma – I love it. I’ve never heard that one before.
Ryan – I do! I have one! Pats self on back. Now if only I would remember to actually back up the files to it.
love, internetgeniusmommy
Thanks for reminding me about what is important. As always.
I’ve had that exact same scenario so many times. Both of my boys can just somehow sense when I’m preoccupied or trying to multitask – even mentally and they have this need to test it. I guess they need to see if I’ll put them before all else. But you’re so right – they only snuggle for a little while.
*SNIFF*
Thanks for the awesome reminder of what’s important. I needed that.
I can remember having one of these moments with MiniMe. He was a colicy baby, and I just got so tired of the hours in the rocker. And then one day, I noticed that the hours were getting shorter, the snuggling less, and I wanted it back.
Today, with the house needing vacuumed, toilet needed scrubbed, laundry needing washed, and fussy babies from their shots this morning…I needed this post. How do you always come through at just the right moment?
What a great post. My kids are many years beyond that stage, so it took me back in time, and I’m glad you were able to cherish those moments.
They always seem to know when you have things to do. And even though experience tells you to take that 15 minutes… you just have too much to do. I so hear you there. I bet there are lots of mommies out there that have hard disks full of unorganized pictures! ;)
It is hard to remember to savor the moments with our kids. There is always something to do and it will still be there later but the kids aren’t young for ever. I need to remember that.
I’m a doer too…I have a hard time just relaxing and “being” with my daughter, 3 year old MK. Part of my “problem” is that she only, only, only wants me and that feels stifling sometimes! I need to keep reminding myself that someday, and probably soon, she won’t want me (and will think she doesn’t need me but HAH!) all of the time. So, since I’ll be sad when that day, fast approaching, comes that I will have some yummy snuggly memories to hold close.
Stacey, you are fab, by the way. I feel like you are me…but funnier, smarter, more well-traveled, and mom to more kids than I will ever be. So, thanks for putting into words so much of what we all need to read! : )
we have a nearly 5 year old that still pumpkin’s!
Thanks right back to you all. Your comments and stories remind me that it’s not just a blog entry to post and forget. I need to actually do it!
Insta-mom and Nissa – Good thing I have my family around to deflate my head daily. You are so sweet – thank you.
Nadia – Lucky!
Thanks for reminding me of that! I forget sometimes.
in training horses…someone once told me…
“if you act like you have 15 minutes, it will take all day. If you act like you have all day, it will probably take 15 minutes.”
i’ve always found this to be good advice with my kiddos too.
ding ding ding!
I remember the thoughts you had with Cue in the middle of the night or when I’m at work, but rarely when I’m with Mister Man or Little Miss and frustrated about something. Such a sweet picture!
I have a 7 week old – and I love that little handful of rump in my hand as I support her while she lays on my chest *sigh*
I’m going to soak it up just a bit more the next time….thanks for that…
*sniff* You got me with this. Your reminder to just be was exactly what I needed today.
You wrote about this so beautifully.
I’ve been a mom for over 8 years now, and 3 kids later, I almost never remember this, still. Even though I *know* it, I’m just not good at living it.
It’s a work in progress.
Great post.
Hi again – just wanted to let you know that I left something for you on my blog!
Oh this post makes me feel better about myself. Beautiful children as well!
I have moments like those…those hold on I have a list of things to cross off, but then almost ‘forced’ to ‘be’ with the kids and then the realization that that is exactly where I want to be there’s so much joy and peace at that moment for me..
great post, thanks!
Congrats to you ! Your kids are so cute!
I’m so there with you…I can get so frustrated by being needed by my babies too, but I try to remember to slow down. It’s not always easy.
What! No time to read? Poor thing. While cuddling your beautiful babies, listen to an Audio CD of fav book and inadvertantly home school the babies at the same time. Then you’ll feel like Super Mother and be guilt free.
What about those babies slings? Then baby can be carried around, you can clean the house and listen to a Audio Book thingy at the same time, plus something cooking in the slo cooker. Your halo will glow with self accomplishment. Yes, I know its impossible but we can dream of being uber organised.
My mother used to have her 2 year old grandson cleaning kitchen cupboards doors, he was so active. His mother said it was slavery, we just thought Grandma was clever.
TQ here again. And no, I’m not awake in the middle of the night – its 9 o’clock in the morning here.
Just had to send that wonderful poem off to the mother of a week old baby boy. Wish I had read that before. It warms the heart.
Thank you for sharing that.
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