Are you starting to think that I’m making stuff up for blog posts? I swear to you this is an accurate account of the events that occurred in my living room two hours ago.
The phone rang and I had to search for the receiver. Gee sat enthroned on the Elmo potty for his post-lunch sit-in in front of PBS. Ess and the baby played. The caller was the pediatrician’s office wanting to reschedule appointments. It took a few minutes and I was distracted from the living room. Periodically, I covered the mouthpiece and said sweetly, “Keep pushing your penis down, baby, so the pee-pee goes in the potty.”
The smell in the living room, when I entered, hit me like a brick wall. The baby’s back was covered in yellow, smeary excrement. Massive baby diaper blowout. I picked him up and he immediately twisted and covered my shirt in his shit. Due to unbelievably poor planning on my part, the diaper bag remained in the stroller out front after our morning walk. I had to retrieve it while keeping hold of my poop-greased pig, ah, I mean baby. I got him onto the plastic mat, naked, and was working on wiping him down when Ess started to cry. She’d peed on the floor. Not her fault. Marathon potty-sitting boy had been monopolizing the Elmo potty for an hour. I hissed at her in my sternest I mean it voice, “Don’t move I’ll be right there.”
Looking back down at the baby, I realized that my hair, which I left down this morning, was dangling in the shit all over the front of my shirt. I managed to take my shirt off while holding down the baby and repeatedly admonishing my crying daughter to just stay where she was. Please, I beg you, child. Just don’t move. And, also, my son to please, please keep his penis pointed down, if he wouldn’t mind.
The baby was basically clean and into a new diaper.
The doorbell rang for the first time. The couch sat between me and the door and I couldn’t see who it was. Go away, I mentally projected. I put the baby to the side and started working on Ess.
The doorbell rang a second time. I got that panicky, crazy feeling of immediacy that the phone or door bell can sometimes create, even though you know that nothing bad will happen if you don’t answer the phone or door. You’re not obligated. The person can come back later.
Keeping the baby out of the mess with one hand, I finished cleaning up Ess.
The doorbell rang a third time.
I rose from the floor with all the wet, poop-covered clothes and wipes in one hand. Two teenagers, a boy and a girl, selling something, stood outside the door. I stomped to the door, which is made primarily of glass windows, and threw it open with sparks shooting out of my eyes. I held up one finger in their shocked faces and turned to the side to address my son. KEEP YOUR PENIS POINTED DOWN, PLEASE!
I turned back to the adolescent boy on my porch and said, fairly nicely, “Whatever it is, I don’t have time for it right now.” He nodded, mouth open, backing away from the door.
I closed the door. Gee smiled brightly at me. “My penis is down, Momma.” Excellent son. After disposing of the disgusting mess of clothes and wipes, I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. I took several deep breaths. I looked up into the mirror and beheld my frazzled face, my hair with poop on the ends, my bare shoulders and my lacy black bra. Oh. Right. No shirt.
And that, officer, is how I became a high school legend. The legend of the crazy lady on the corner who answers the door in her bra, holding poop, with her naked daughter and baby boy at her feet, while shouting at her other son to keep his penis down.
I’m so sorry, but I am laughing so hard I had to tell my son what was going on and the black dog came to see me because I was laughing to hard.
God Bless You!
motherhood.
ohmygosh I am practically on the floor in fits of laughter. You KNOW there will be hell to pay when the high school starts their annual fund raising in the fall and somehow EVERY teenage boy within driving distance has made their way to your front doorstep to see what color bra you happen to be wearing THAT day! ; )
(Do you REALLY have to tell boys to hold their penis down? My kid is never going to go for that. I might as well resign myself to yellow walls, clothes, and carpet. Lovely.)
ohmygosh! I am laughing so hard right now. being a mom is fun
I HAD to read this post out loud to my hubby!! Too funny…
hahaha, that was too hilarious!! we still have to tell our 4yr7month old boy child to point his penis down..we also had to make him sit to pee, otherwise before he was done he was pulling his pants up and well he just stunk like pee…we also make him wipe..can you tell we are a house full of women?? oh ya, he still soaks through pull ups at night..right through the jammies and all over the bed..EWW
OK, so I know it was not funny at the time, but this post was just what I needed this morning to put a little smile on my face and a little perspective about my own life…
LOL…that’s good..jumping in from AllMEdiocre…
Humble suggestion, and perhaps someone else already made it. And please note that I am an expecting parent, with no potty-training experience. This is just a hunch. Maybe you should get two potties, one for each kid? Your boy might like the feeling of his very own, special potty. You could even go out together and let him choose it (even if it winds up being the same model).
Thus the reason we blog… perhaps it saves our sanity to share with the world what we are experiencing and how frustrating (and funny) it all is!!! I keep checking for how things are going today!! Hope you are surviving!
Pam
OMG Stacey I’m sorry but I’m dying laughing here. I’m sorry they are giving you such a hard time with it.
I know, it’s okay, I died laughing telling my husband too.
Monkey’s mom – I’ve had many suggestions that I just take him straight to standing up and aiming at cheerios to avoid the penis down problem. But, it takes him so long to go that when I’m alone with all of them I just can’t be in the bathroom that long! If they are sitting, yeah, you have to remind them.
Nadia – we won’t try at night for ages. I put them in diapers right after dinner!
Vanna – I do need a second potty. You’re totally right. This is so silly, but my husband and I had this minimize the plastic pact before we had kids. We try not to have to buy two of everything! And then I read an article in the NY Times Mag last weekend about the Garbage Patch. It’s an area the size of Texas in the Pacific Ocean that is covered in floating plastic. Situational ethics though – I’m not sure I can maintain my minimal plastic stance in the face of the mess in my living room!!!! Lol.
LOL
adolescent boy sings – stacey the mom has got it goin’ on…
There are worse things to be known for…….
;o)
This post was so great!!! I remember so many days like this when I was babysitting for two babies (while having a baby and two toddlers of my own). Things are much less hectic around here now (mostly) with two older kids and a 4 yo. Oh, thanks for the laugh, and the trip down memory lane. I think my fave part was when you said you got those anxious feelings about the phone/doorbell. I understand completely! (Add a dog barking like mad whenever the doorbell rings, and it’s 10 x worse)
Hmm…now I know what I can do to get rid of solicitors! LOL!
BTW, thanks for visiting my gasoline rant haiku today :)
I can’t stop the laughing, but I know you are having oh so much fun with this.
At least he kept it down!
i really don’t want to laugh at your misfortunes…but that is just real life, isn’t it??
and on a side note…i’m so glad i had girls…because during the potty training phase, i would be laughing to hard if i had to tell someone to keep their stuff down.
don’t worry…i give you full permission to laugh at me for too much girly stuff in the teen years.
Silver lining — Gee stayed on the potty with his penis down. Yay!
The rest of it totally cracked me up. It’s amazing how everything seems to happen at the same time. You poor dear!
And not to push myself on you at all, but have you thought about getting a second potty or teaching them to sit on the “normal” potty for the times when they know they need to go and there’s someone else on the Elmo? I’m off to go check out that map….
That’s so hilarious and TRUE! I had 4 kids under 6yrs old at one time (they’re now 5 kids under 8yrs) and those things are the norm around here AND……………”How do you do it?” Well duh, that’s how–you just do it…..and clean up the poop!
Dia
I’m dying here. This is too funny. I’m really not an anti-social person. The exact opposite, really. But sometimes I feel like hanging a sign on my front door that says “go away” and leaving it up for the next 18 years.
Funny, funny, funny! I’m just beginning the potty training process with my 2 y/o daughter (only child). I can NOT even imagine attempting this with more than one child AND a baby. There should be some sort of mothering award out there for you and moms like you.
Found you through Penny Carnival and I’m adding you to my bookmarks right now. Anyone who can make me laugh this hard AND feel incredible empathy deserves a revisit! :-)
Happy potty training!
http://psychmamma.wordpress.com
LOL!!!! That is so funny! Well, to read, I’m sure you weren’t laughing at the time ;-)
That is awesome. At least you were wearing a black lacy bra…they might as well have gotten something good to look at, right??
Oh, and thanks for this post, because you just saved me from having to write anything witty today. I’ll just be linking here.
Ryan – I put that song on for the kids’ today. It will never be the same for me now.
Dys – True, but I’m not exactly all that, so I doubt they are saying nice things. Ah well.
All – Again, thanks for seeing the humor with me! It’s still not fun to clean up poop and pee in your underwear, but at least I know I can share later.
Great story! With no kids I don’t have experience with them and personal elimination moments, but this is a classic.
That is great! I don’t think you could make that up!
And now I know exactly what I am going to do next time the Missionaries come to my door! LOL!
Okay, you win. My recent potty training adventures don’t hold a candle to yours.
If he was a normal teenage boy, he never saw beyond the black bra…and you used the word ‘penis’.
LMAO!!! This is priceless! You must submit this to a women’s magazine! Incredibly funny! I just read it to my 17 yr old daughter, for birth control purposes! LOL! Keep up the good work Mommy! Hugs, Lisa
haha, this is the perfect description of motherhood and my life, only you have the guts to write it down;). i think our kiddos are around the same age, how funny. i feel your pain!!!!!:)
Oh my goodness! Too funny! And don't worry I believe you.
so you've made me laugh hysterically yet again. I had to read it to my husband and for once he actually laughed out loud too!
This is a classic!
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#1. I'm pretty sure the comment above me is spam. Might wanna delete it or face some seriously odd google searches.
#2. LAUGHING SO HARD I CHOKED ON MY WINE.
Thank you so much. After today, I needed some laughs about other people's kid's crap.
This one makes me laugh so hard everytime I read it. I'm pretty sure my daughter's gonna have to potty train herself though.
This was awesome to read.
You are epic!